Every The Front Bottoms Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Tom Scarcella

You don’t see much press coverage of the Front Bottoms these days, and two of their later-stage albums got panned by those joyless fucks over at Pitchfork. So, you might think everyone has moved past the New Jersey sadboi duo, comprising lead singer Brian Sella and drummer Mat Uychich (who, unlike Pitchfork writers, are purveyors of joy). But catch them live, and it’s a totally different story. Legions of emotionally stunted fans such as myself are coming out in full force like it’s TFB’s 2014 glory days — a simpler time before some of America’s darkest developments (e.g., Modern Baseball breaking up). And these steadfast supporters are joyously screaming the whole catalog, from the self-released and surprisingly tight pre-label works, to the latest and sometimes even greatest jams. It’s time to get uncomfortable, because we’re ranking the Front Bottoms canon and starting at, well, the bottom.

6. Going Grey (2017)

Front Bottoms fans freely admit the music sucks, but they’re probably not joking about this particular record. Although “Going Grey” is a solid effort overall, its over-polished production and repetitive song structures are at odds with TFB’s usual scruffiness and dynamism. The cleaner vocals throughout often fall flat, since Brian’s singing is best when he embraces his complete inability to sing. However, for all the online bitching, this album is replete with the group’s signature wry charms, and many of the tracks have become setlist staples. You can bet that the people who still make angry posts about “Going Grey” on Reddit are also singing along to every word of those songs at shows.

Play It Again: “Ocean” (or “Oh, Shawn” if you pronounce it in the dickhead, Tom DeLonge-esque way that Brian does).
Skip It: “Bae”

Honorable Mention: Theresa (2022)

“Theresa” is the third entry in the beloved “Grandma Series” of EPs, where the boys release studio versions of select songs from their pre-label albums (which, get the fuck out of here, we are not ranking), and each one is named after the band’s grandmothers. This is the weakest of those EPs so far, but it still slaps harder than our grandmas slapped our parents growing up. Putting this fantastic record so low hurts me more than it hurts you, but the other two Grandma EPs have six tracks apiece, including one new song for both, while “Theresa” doesn’t have a cool new bonus song. Grandmas shouldn’t skimp on cookies or EP tracks — that’s a slappable offense.

5. You Are Who You Hang Out With (2023)

Here we have the Front Butts’ latest dropping — er, album drop. As always, the band shifts their style up without sacrificing the impressionistic storytelling and unpretentious vulnerability that made them darlings of the fourth-wave emo era (whatever the fuck that is). Brian dials up the Auto-Tune past 11 to “DANGER: T-PAIN” levels at times here, including in the jarring opening track “Emotional,” which foreshadows both the bold innovations and old comforts that await. This is their weirdest release, and though it’s not their absolute strongest, it proves they can keep things fresh and freaky. But even in their more eclectic incarnation today, these Jersey boys are still making some of the best Midwest emo music.

Play It Again: “Paris” might be their most experimental tune to date, although it still has that traditional TFB blend of transcendence and stupidity.
Skip It: This is such a focused record that it really has no skips. And to take a cue from the album’s main theme, don’t hang out with people who make you skip too many tracks.

Honorable Mention: Ann (2018)

Reader, I am not even looking up the years for all these releases, even the piddly little EPs, because “TFB facts” takes up room in my brain over things like “mom’s birth year.” Is that sad? I hope it is sad, and I hope you like sad, because sad is what you’re getting with this deliciously dreary Grandma EP, which offers hazy reimaginings of among their best pre-label songs. “Ann” is notable for its distinct stylistic departure, with its washed-out, almost shoegaze atmosphere that seemed to signal an exciting new direction for the band, except that they never bothered to try it again.

 

4. In Sickness & in Flames (2020)

During those desperate early COVID days, Front Bottoms fans were starving for new music. A fuckin’ Christian rock album would have sufficed (though one can easily imagine Brian talk-singing some shit like “I’m a communion wafer, that you dropped on the floor last summer…turns out we both need JEeeeSus”). Thankfully, the boys made an exceptional, godless record that somehow pleased everybody (except people with actual good taste in music). “In Sickness” showcased the band’s heightened sophistication both sonically and lyrically, including profundities such as “Yeah I know that I look like a jerk, like a jerk” repeated literally 16 times in one song. Ultimately, TFB proved they could successfully bring their sound into a more mature phase, at least to the extent possible for a group who based their name on a British euphemism for “vagina.”

Play It Again: “Leaf Pile”
Skip It: Skip all those goddamn weird interludes.

3. Back on Top (2015)

Depending on who you ask, “Back on Top” either falls under “classic” Front Bottoms territory, or it’s the point where they sold out by graduating past “New Jersey basement band” status. But c’mon, Brian was about 26 when making this record, so he was probably losing his parents’ health insurance while being in a motorcycle gang, eschewing the concept of jobs, and having a self-destructive meltdown (that is, if we take his lyrics here at face value, which we should). So, you can’t get mad at Brian (aka Steven) for selling out, especially since the result was this wonderfully boisterous album that marked a more polished and expansive pivot for the band. Distinguished by an irresistible buoyancy, plus many of their catchiest hooks and most memorable TFB-isms, “Back on Top” is something you can enjoy while dancing, sobbing, fucking, and/or cruising down the Garden State Parkway. We’d call it a classic.

Play It Again: “West Virginia”
Skip It: “2YL”

Honorable Mention: Rose (2014)

And now we have an undisputed classic, because this is when only 0.001% of people had still ever heard of the Front Bottoms, versus the intolerable 0.0013% after they signed to Fueled by Ramen. It’s also universally beloved because every song on this sprightly EP, the first in the Grandma Series, is just so damn good (you could even say “so cool” or “SO punk.”). Maybe it’s just the obsessive fanbase, but it’s amazing how TFB’s EPs are just as popular as their main offerings, often even more so. “Rose” is a folk punk masterwork that has stood the test of time — unlike grandmas, who time will always beat in the end.

2. Talon of the Hawk (2013)

Look, roughly half the fanbase thinks this should be first, while the other half would put self-titled (or the “Noodle Monster” YouTube video). Ranking this at number two was indeed a tough choice, but make no mistake — this album fucks. Brian and Mat channel their folk punk and emo roots into a louder, more anthemic mode, revealing their ambition to be a Band That Matters. With high-flying tracks like the superlatively popular “Twin Sized Mattress,” you can tell they’re swinging for the fences on this one (albeit in a kind of Little League fashion, given the niche domain of music we’re dealing with here). “Talon” perhaps best exemplifies the contradictions and contrasting qualities that drive TFB’s magnetism: upbeat misery, abject goofiness mixed with gut-wrenching sincerity, and a broad narrative scope that appeals to youths and adults alike. It’s OK to be a fan of theirs over 30…right?

Play It Again: It’s funny you should ask.
Skip It: “Lone Star” is a dope song, but you can skip it if you don’t feel like thinking about abortion (and how it probably costs so much more than $437 now, thanks to inflation).

1. Self-Titled (2011)

TFB’s true strength lies in their intimacy. Their music feels like late-night conversations with friends, especially when they’re about the crossroads we face in love, work, school, or deciding whether to take another edible. This special quality is conveyed most intensely in the band’s self-titled studio debut. They had yet to transcend their Jersey confines, but that hunger and rawness underpins the album’s potency. And like a good edible, its deceitfully simple surface masks its potential to completely fuck you up. Uncomplicated acoustic arrangements and poorly played trumpets might not sound great on paper, and it definitely doesn’t sound good in reality…for most. But for certain sad souls who can hear the record’s genius hidden in dog-whistle frequencies, this hallowed soundtrack of woundedness penetrates the deepest recesses of our silly little hearts.

Play It Again: Keep playing those voicemails from your ex that you’ve kept for years; this way, you can cry extra hard when you listen to the whole album on repeat.
Skip It: Don’t skip a single track — unless there are people around, in which case you should skip the whole thing before they ask you to “please turn this shit off.”

Insurance Mascots Ranked by How Quickly They’d Pull the Plug on Their Comatose Spouse

Posted on by Eric Schwartz

For the past two decades, you haven’t been able to turn on the TV without seeing an insurance mascot during a commercial break. Whether it’s a smartass reptile or an overly enthusiastic woman with a lipstick problem, these iconic characters have become a staple of advertising.

But while everyone loves the hilarious antics of these goofballs, do we really know what they’re like once the cameras turn off? Let’s take a look at the value the most popular insurance mascots place on the sanctity of life – specifically when it comes to their own spouse.

15. Mayhem – NA

Contrary to how he’s represented in the media, Mayhem is actually a caring husband who loves his wife deeply and would be pretty bummed to see her in a coma. Mayhem would spend as much time as he could reading to his wife, going through old photos, and talking about the good times they shared together. This rough ‘n’ tumble mascot wouldn’t pull the plug on his comatose wife at all, letting her reach a natural conclusion instead.

14. Allstate Guy – NA

You know that guy on your block who just goes back inside his house after witnessing a hit and run? That pretty much sums up the original Allstate guy. This smooth-talking staple of insurance advertising has a simple mantra: mind your damn business. That’s why when his wife falls comatose, he’ll simply let it be and keep doing his thing, like the cool cat he is.

13. Progressive Flo – 1 Month

Everyone’s favorite bright-eyed and bushy-tailed neighborhood girl has actually been thinking about taking a human life for a while – but given her stature in the media, she obviously has to play it cool. After a well-crafted PR campaign where she somberly talks about the benefits of Progressive life insurance, Flo will have an ’oopsie-daisies’ and pull that plug so hard it snaps.

12. Erin Esurance – 3 Weeks

Everyone remembers Erin Esurance, right? The Esurance special agent mascot from the early 2000s who was taken off air because teenagers on 4chan kept making really weird art of her? Well, she settled down following her departure from the public eye, but found herself missing the adrenaline rush of covert insurance operations. She’ll find it very hard to resist pulling that plug and making a daring escape in the middle of the night.

11. Aflac Duck – 2 Weeks

If you know anything about ducks it’s that they’re some of nature’s most loyal creatures. But in the insurance game, tough business decisions have to be made. Within two weeks, the Aflac Duck is pulling the plug and cashing that life insurance check.

10. Professor Burke – 1 Week

Despite his put-together demeanor, Professor Burke has actually been cheating on his wife with a rotating cast of sex workers since they’ve been married. He’ll probably see this situation as the perfect opportunity to avoid a messy divorce and move to Thailand for a fresh start.

9. Snoopy (Metlife Insurance) – 3 Days

Snoopy has proven time and time again that he really doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself (and maybe that stupid bird-for-brains he hangs around). He’d pull the plug as soon as it becomes a minor inconvenience that disrupts his napping schedule.

8. Geico Caveman – 1 Day

Since that Gecko entered the picture, the Caveman has spent his free time browsing “soy-based medicine” recipes and talking about George Soros a lot online. He’d insist that life support actually weakens the body’s immune system and pull the plug while blaming the doctor’s “toxic chakras and shit”.

7. Jake from State Farm (Original) – 8 Hours

Lying behind Jake’s signature khakis is an insatiable thirst to take part in human suffering. Ever since Cool Jake got to go to the Kids’ Choice Awards, this one has struggled with intrusive thoughts of sadism. That’s why he plans to edge himself by slowly pulling the plug in and out of the wall until completion.

6. LiMu Emu – 4 Hours

This suave newcomer to the insurance scene believes in beauty through chaos. He wants to watch the world burn and always has some kerosene tucked away in his emu pouch. He’ll pull the plug without hesitation, but could be delayed because he doesn’t have hands.

5. Doug – 4 Hours

Doug has no spine and blindly follows where LiMu Emu leads. LiMu Emu could walk this guy around hot pavement on a leash and he’d kiss his clawed feet. As the old saying goes, “If LiMu Emu pulls the plug, the next to follow is Mister Doug”.

4. Geico Gecko – 2 Hours

The Gecko doesn’t have bad intentions. However, this is a creature who loves his naughty little games. After the first few days, Gecko might think he can get a few laughs by pretending to pull the plug. Unfortunately, the plug will likely get stuck to his webbed fingers and slip out of the outlet in a freak accident of sorts. He won’t be very pleased with this outcome, but he also won’t have a grieving period of more than a few weeks before he’s back to his usual yapping about bundling home and auto.

3. Jake From State Farm (Current) – 90 Minutes

When someone blows up as quickly as the new Jake From State Farm, they begin to lose patience in other areas of life. After just over an hour of sitting on his phone in the ICU, Jake will want to get on with his life so he can start dating a WNBA star or something.

2. Progressive Jamie – 30 Minutes

While Flo’s newest sidekick isn’t as death-obsessed as she is, that doesn’t mean the plug isn’t coming out. Jamie’s a young guy who isn’t done living out the wild years of his youth, and this party animal would much rather be doing poppers behind T.J. Maxx than sitting in a boring hospital. He’ll make sure this whole ordeal is over before the molly kicks in.

1. The General – 10 Minutes

The General doesn’t quite view the value of life the same since that summer in Cambodia. Pulling the plug on his wife of 50 years would come just as naturally as chewing gum for this seasoned mascot.

Study Finds 9,000 Bottles of Red Wine a Year Wasted on Rug Commercials

Posted on by Brisa Sylvestre

AMHERST, Mass. — A new study conducted by the University Of Massachusetts found that roughly 9,000 bottles of perfectly good wine are wasted on rug commercials annually, sparking heated discussions amongst Zinfindal enthusiasts nationwide.

“When I first came up with the figure I was stumped,” said Dr. Andy O’Riley, who uncovered the finding after watching countless hours of rug cleaner infomercials while on the job. “Thousands of bottles are dumped by actors in these commercials including Merlots, Cabernets, Sherries, the list really goes on. Typically, the actor walks into a room with a firm grasp on a glass of red wine only to have it fly out of their hand and land on a white carpet, where the stain then begins to set into the fibers, until the actor pulls out a bottle of rug cleaner from thin air, and magically lifts the red wine stain from the carpet.”

Lead study consultant Doug Elliott was less than amused with the findings.

“What’s wrong with these people? 9,000 bottles! What are you kidding me? We could be drinking that down at Pete’s Tavern!” said Elliott as he began to mash his own grapes in case the global supply of red wine ran out. “Not once did I see a cheap box of wine like Franzia being used. I vow never to use a product from the rug cleaner industry. I mean for fucksakes, they might as well have been using liquid gold. It’s always the good stuff. They don’t even attempt to breathe in the aromas before dumping the stuff!”

Expert rug commercial wine spiller Sheila Jenkins weighed in on the shocking study findings.

“I’ve been professionally dumping wine onto carpets for decades. Anything other than a red just doesn’t sell the rug cleaner. When people see the spill in action, they can’t help themselves. It triggers some type of primal desire to remove the stain out of the carpet,” said Jenkins as she uncorked a bottle of French Merlot to pour onto a white shag rug. “I consider myself an artist of this craft and I only use the best products available to me, I refuse to use anything less than $29.99 a bottle.”

At press time, Elliott was seen driving a forklift to “save” the supply of red wine bottles from a rug commercial’s shooting set.

Cult Classic? This Movie Sucks

Posted on by Dom Turek

As the self-appointed authority on all things film, I’d like to introduce you to a future cult classic so unnerving, so screwball and so utterly unwatchable, that it makes “Eraserhead” look like a Marvel movie.

Spoiler Alert: Liking this movie before it becomes popular will entitle you to lifelong bragging rights.

“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Revenge 2.5” hit Tubi months ago and the dime store critics can’t get enough. The controversial film has been called everything from “a piece of shit” to “a piece of crap,” with one naysayer going so far as to write, “I’d rather sit in the hotel cuck chair as my grandparents have tantric sex than watch this movie again.”

With reviews like this, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Revenge 2.5” is an absolute shoo-in for cult classic greatness. Just wait. In thirty or forty years this film will be as quotable as Austin Powers and as merchandisable as “The Gremlins.” In the year 2048, eBay bidding wars will break out over vintage Rudolph’s Revenge promotional tees, and you’ll be able to say to no one in particular, “I liked this movie before you did.”

Director, writer, producer, lighting specialist, sound engineer, gaffer, and lead actor for the movie, John Clauson, has the cult classic formula down to a science. He took a plot that could’ve been executed in 23 minutes and stretched it to a mind-boggling two hours and 24 minutes. Those complaining that the first 57 minutes of the movie are “so grainy it looks like you’re watching the movie through a sandstorm” merely have no appreciation for texture.

To those who say the dialogue is weak, I say your imagination is weak. To those who call the graphic slaughter of 26 actual reindeer “overkill,” I call it under-kill. To those who say throwing a random kung fu scene into the middle of the movie is “unnecessarily niche,” I say it’s a clear nod to the entropy of life.

If you thought the poop-eating scene in “Pink Flamingos” was a hard watch, just wait until the last 10 minutes of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Revenge 2.5.” It’s easily one of the most controversial scenes in modern cinema, or so I hear. I was unable to make it through the movie and left about halfway through.

Most Vomit-Inducing Cannibal Corpse Album Cover Yet Shows Image of Ordinary British Food

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Legendary death metal band Cannibal Corpse shocked fans and anyone with eyes recently with the revealing of their most horrific, disgusting and visceral album cover yet which features average, regularly prepared British cuisine, puke-stained camo short-clad sources report.

“I can get down with stuff like the corpse cunnilingus on the cover of ‘Tomb of the Mutilated’ or the grisly shit on the ‘Gallery of Suicide’ cover, but black pudding and jellied eels? No fucking way,” longtime Cannibal Corpse fan Patrick Yeung stated. “I’ll just say that the masters of death metal have truly outdone themselves, without even using any drawings of severed penises or rotting zombies and it’s that’s pretty impressive. I don’t think I’ll ever get the image of baked beans in soggy bread out of my brain ever again.”

Cannibal Corpse vocalist George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher knew it was time to take their reputation for being the world’s most gruesome band to the next level.

“The controversial covers of our previous 18 albums are basically Norman Rockwell paintings compared to the one on our new ‘Mushy Peas Massacre’ record,” Fisher explained while clutching an impossibly large amount of stuffed animals. “We decided that after 35 years, gore has been played out. So we thought about what makes people actually barf? After our last gig in England we had one bite of deviled kidneys and we knew this would gross out more people more than any amount of bloody cum ever could, and it’s working perfectly.”

Many death metal experts agree that this is just the next step in the evolution of the genre.

“Year after year, death metal bands constantly try to outdo the obscenities of their contemporaries, almost like that’s more important than the integrity of their music,” death metal historian Rachel Mills-Leech stated. “If you think the gross-out factor of disgusting English food is high, wait until you see the picture of Chris Barnes’ face Six Feet Under is using for their next cover. Excuse me, I think I’m going to be sick just imagining it.”

At press time, Cannibal Corpse claimed the infamous album cover has already placed them on many countries’ banned lists worldwide.

Every Muppet Ranked by How Well They Could Replace Biden

Posted on by Dan Rice

Since the 1970s, Jim Henson’s Muppets have achieved the near impossible—consistently providing four-quadrant entertainment the whole family can truly enjoy. Now we need them more than ever to accomplish an even more impossible task—saving American democracy.

Joe Biden’s debate performance was so bad Democrats wished he were on strings with someone else’s hand up his ass making him talk, or at the very least seem awake. It’s starting to seem that if we have any chance of stopping Trump and the fascist tide of Project 2025, the Democrats need a new candidate, and given the DNC’s fondness for puppets, a Muppet seems like the most likely prospect. They have brand recognition, people trust them, and unlike our current President, they can talk.

Any Muppet would be an improvement over either current candidate, but which anthropomorphic foam animal is best suited for the job? We’ve crunched the numbers and ranked them all by their viability as candidates, from better than Trump or Biden to much better than Trump or Biden.

28. Lew Zealand

He’s a foreigner, so he’s disqualified. If he could run he would crush it, but he can’t.

27. The Swedish Chef

The Swedish Chef is not an immigrant, he’s just incoherently drunk all the time. He’s no more intelligible than Biden but at least when he spews gibberish he does it with the sense of confidence and professionalism his years of functional alcohol abuse afford him.

26. Uncle Deadly

Almost a lateral move, the dude is old. He still has command of his faculties and he isn’t a Nazi, which makes him a better fit than both men currently competing for the job, but only by a little. In a year or two he’ll start sundowning like the rest of them.

25. Camilla the Chicken

Or like, any chicken really. People really hate Biden and Trump, honestly, we like her odds.

24. Floyd Pepper

Floyd zones out as much as Biden but at least when he comes to you get cool drug stories and not the same 4 talking points regurgitated from the napkin he’s been staring at all day.

23. Clifford

He’s amicable, high-energy, and racially ambiguous. Trump’s going to hit him hard on the “failure” of “Muppets Tonight” but with a respectable 7.7 on IMDB, he should be able to work through it.

22. Sam the Eagle

We all know Sam the Eagle is a rank-and-file conservative. You could argue that makes him the candidate most likely to win as he would draw both Democrats and Republicans on the fence about Trump, but at what cost? It would sort of be like voting for Vader over Palpatine.

21. Robin the Frog

Sure, he’s a child, but he’s been a child since the ’70s so legally we’re pretty sure he can run. Conservatives like to say they do what they do to protect the children of this country, let’s see them put their money where their mouth is and cross party lines to vote for this adorable frog kid.

20. Gonzo

Gonzo is a complicated guy for sure, and if elected his term will likely be cut short by scandal. You can’t keep skeletons like his in the closet forever, this guy’s done things that make the Stormy Daniel’s hush money cover-up look like taking a dollar out of Grandma’s purse. Still, if we can keep the lid on his deeply disturbing personal life for a few short months we’re in the clear.

19. Statler and Waldorf

Sure they’ve got the age problem, but these guys are still sharp. Trump relies heavily on insulting his opponents, let’s see him try to pull that shit with the pros.

Statler: “Did you hear Trump is out there calling us groomers?”
Waldorf: “Does that mean he’s not?”
Statler: “Of course not, the man smells like a McRib’s taint!”
Statler and Waldorf: “Oh ho ho ho ho!”

18. Gene

Okay, so he’s a confirmed cannibal, but he’s upfront about it and has never eaten a baby, which, according to our Uncle Mark (who hasn’t quite been the same since his car accident), makes Gene a more viable candidate than Joe Biden or Hilary Clinton combined.

17. Bobo the Bear

As a lifestyle influencer, Bobo already has a rabid, internet-literate fanbase ready to make “Bobo 2024” happen. As a bear, he projects some much-needed strength on the world stage.

16. Zoot

The sax thing worked for Clinton in ’92 and it can work for Zoot in 2024. We just need Arsenio Hall to have a talk show again and a good fixer to cover up his predatory sex life. Move over Kid Rock, there’s a new bucket hat-wearing musician riddled with STDs here to shake up Washington!

15. Crazy Harry

Yes, it’s a sad state of affairs, but we are at the point in this country where many Americans are saying “Let’s just put the guy named Crazy with all the dynamite in the White House and just see what happens.”

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Wanna Give the Supreme Court a Piece of Your Mind? Here’s How To Get a Job at One of the Most Luxurious Resorts in the World

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s getting more and more difficult to speak truth to power these days, especially when it comes to the judiciary branch of our federal government. With controversial recent decisions such as overturning Roe V. Wade, agreeing to self-police against the rampant corruption in their ranks, and granting presidents partial immunity to prosecution, it’s natural to want to give the Supreme Court justices a piece of your mind. Someone ought to tell these archaic bible thumbing hypocrites that they are civil servants who work FOR us, not creepy Eye’s Wide Shut-esque dictators. But how? The answer is to hit them where they live—on vacation.

In such infuriating times, it’s important to remember that your goal is to air your grievances to Kavanaugh, Alito, and Thomas’s smug, repugnant faces, not to some poor page who just wants to pad a resume. Unfortunately, there’s only one way to get face to face with these fuckers—positioning yourself to “serve” them. Here are some tips for getting a job at one of the world’s most elite vacation resorts, and then throwing that job away for one sweet cathartic outburst into the face of a monster.

Become a master masseuse

Years of study and work to master an occupation seems like a pretty big hoop to jump through just to voice your opinion to a government employee, but if American democracy worked you wouldn’t need to infiltrate a beach resort just to voice your opinion in the first place.

Witness a horrific crime perpetrated by a trust funder and say nothing

Discretion is the lifeblood of the high-end service industry. You need these assholes to think you’re willing to play ball. Remember, it’s for the greater good.

Learn to regulate your body temperature to become a more ideal human sushi plate

When you’ve worked in the criminal justice system as long as Clarence Thomas you know that sushi is best served on a naked human body of 99.4 degrees, not the standard 98.6. Through meditation, yoga, and breathing exercises you can learn to dial in your body’s core temperature making you a valuable asset in the industry.

Link your Fetlife to your LinkedIn profile and list “Exploitation” as one of your kinks

All vacation resorts need staff members who are okay with being surrounded by obnoxious amounts of wealth while working for next to nothing, but at the luxury-class level, complacency is not enough. They’re on the lookout for workers who NEED economic disparity to fulfill a complicated psycho-sexual urge. Sure, on paper, your job is just folding towels, but Judge Alito might want you to pretend to be his “nephew” for an hour and he certainly doesn’t want to be up-charged for it.

Get trafficked

It’s the most dangerous, least savory route to employment at a resort, but it’s your best shot at getting face time with Clarence Thomas at, shall we say, his most vulnerable.

Scientists No Longer Recommend Mental Health Walks Due to the Negative Effects of Seeing All the Houses You’ll Never Afford

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

STANFORD, Calif. — Researchers at Stanford University made a shocking discovery and no longer recommend taking mental health walks due to the high chance current renters will see houses that they’ll never be able to afford, multiple depressed sources confirmed.

“Yep, walking used to help. But our study revealed that these jaunts led to people realizing they will never afford their own home and will be stuck in the same one-bedroom apartment forever,” said lead researcher Megan Tumwater. “It’s something about how walks used to mean nature and fresh air, but now, when millennials see houses, they just burst into tears. We’re calling it ‘masochistic window shopping.’ The sad truth is that while depression rates have continued to climb, housing costs have gotten even higher. I’d comment more on the interconnectedness of these issues but the university supervisors have only hypothesized that ‘maybe if they weren’t so lazy they could afford a $100,000 down payment.’ My supervisors are all boomers who own multiple homes.”

Millennials, as well as some Gen Xers who fumbled the bag when they had a chance, are reacting to this news with mixed emotions.

“If you can believe it, I used to actually like seeing the pretty houses in my neighborhood. It was kind of aspirational,” said 34-year-old engineer Eric Del Rosso. “But now that it’s clear I’ll be stuck sleeping in shifts in a studio I share with five other people and three dogs for the rest of my life despite working 50 hours in a highly skilled trade, I just can’t stomach my little midday stroll. You can only see so many five-million dollar one-story homes while on your lunch break without it making you want to take a mental health nap in the fetal position.”

Well-being professionals are now scrambling to adjust best practices accordingly.

“One might try walking in circles in their apartment, though if the square footage is under 500 this may cause dizziness,” said Sandra Clark, a licensed clinical social worker with 1 million subscribers on YouTube. “In such cases, you might drive to a, ah, less desirable part of town for a walk. But even those may have houses you’ll never afford because the cheapest houses on the market are currently $800,000, so use discretion. Like and subscribe.”

With this groundbreaking discovery as a jumping-off point, researchers are now looking into the strange link between depression, having eyes, and merely existing in the world.

How to Support Your Friends as They Experiment With Wearing a Cowboy Hat

Posted on by Ian Steffé

It’s alarming. Your friend took a trip to Santa Fe after a grisly break up and the first thing you see when you’re catching up over drinks is a curl-brimmed 400-dollar Stetson on their heads. What happened? They’re not losing their hair. They were never really “hat guys” in the first place. And now with this thing on their heads, how are you supposed to keep it together? Follow our step-by-step guide and you will be able to make it through this with your friendship still intact.

Stay Kind and Calm

When you see this kind of behavior for the first time, it is important to maintain your composure. They’re trying out something new and they might already be a little insecure about it. You have to remember lines like “breaker breaker 1-9, we have an incel moseying up to a high top table” are just going to alienate them during a very vulnerable time. You need to be steady and calm, and you certainly can’t reference that they look like Johnny Depp choking down a margarita and practicing for the deposition. Just stay gentle, and help them come to their own conclusion that literally everyone is laughing at them.

What if They Don’t Want to Listen?

Despite your best efforts, your friend might become increasingly resistant to any advice, especially because this hat has somehow bred confidence. That extra squeeze of tension on their heads makes them cut off arguments and claim they know better automatically. Sometimes, they’re also too distracted. Maybe a flawed 4K transfer on a Criterion release has made them too hostile and violent for self-reflection. This can be a hard phase, but all is not lost unless these next factors come to fruition.

When to Seek Assistance

More than 2 of these symptoms are grounds for assistance from a healthcare professional.

  • Their playlists are heavy with Townes van Zandt, ‘90s Hip Hop, and anything else they heard being played in a farm-to-table restaurant.
  • Constantly showing you Kill Tony and One Bite Pizza Review videos.
  • Conspicuous copy of Bukowski’s poetry hanging out of their satchel.
  • Posts a staged picture of cigarettes and a typewriter on social media with a caption like “Hello old friend.”
  • Claims to have bought turquoise from the guy American Spirits based their logo on.

Helpful Literature

Not much has been produced academically, but their assumed ownership of copies of “Infinite Jest” or “People’s History of the United States” could be blunt enough for physical re-education without leaving a mark.

Metal Musicians Visiting Dead Friend in Cemetery Might as Well Take Band Photo While They’re There

Posted on by Cory Cousins

TRAVERSE CITY, Mich. — Members of the local death metal band Flesh Quilt figured it would be a wasted opportunity to not take a killer band pic while at the cemetery after visiting their recently deceased friend, confirmed sources who couldn’t argue with that logic.

“Look, I don’t see what the big deal is,” noted Flesh Quilt vocalist Broderick Landingham. “I don’t think it’s in bad taste to take some promo shots right after visiting our friend’s grave who recently died after a courageous battle with brain cancer. It’s just smart time management. Plus the setting is perfect; sad-looking cherubs on top of a mausoleum, crows perched atop gnarled oak trees, an old man crying on a bench. This place screams death metal band pic, maybe even an album cover!”

Cemetery groundskeeper Gordon McSwindlon shared a different opinion about the musicians taking pictures in such a somber place.

“Pests! That’s what I think about them,” exclaimed McSwindlon. “These devil-looking weirdos dressed all in black are harder to get rid of than a family of groundhogs. They’ll be doing these strange poses in front of tombstones, skipping around with candles, and sitting up in the trees looking very moody. Then they take pictures of the whole thing. I just don’t get it! I usually just spray them with bear mace and they scatter like cockroaches. This cemetery is infested with metal bands.”

The ghost of their deceased friend was heard disapproving of the band’s actions.

“Boo! Just kidding. Sorry,” mused the local cemetery ghost and former Flesh Quilt bassist Miranda Baxter. “Well I see that they’ve moved on very smoothly without me. I’ve only been dead for like a few weeks. Death isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s mostly boring. I mean, yes it’s pretty metal to fly around and scare people and stuff, but that gets old pretty quick. Did they even think to ask me to be in any of their precious band shots? No. I mean, I’m a literal ghost. Seems like a no-brainer. But that’s not new, since they never invited me to photoshoots when I was living.”

At press time, the members of Flesh Quilt felt it would be wise to take some backup photos while visiting the guitarist’s nephew at the local children’s hospital.