Highly Recruited High School Metalhead Considering Offers From Multiple Local Pizza Shops

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SAN ANTONIO — Local metalhead Spencer Leggieri is reportedly being scouted by multiple pizza shops across the city in hopes of securing his talent as a full-time employee after graduation, excited sources confirmed.

“The past few weeks have been overwhelming. Recruiters are calling me, sending me letters, and assistant managers are coming to my house to try to convince me to commit to working for them in the fall. And these aren’t just small pizza shops, we are talking big names like Tony’s, Tony’s II, Main Street Pies, and even St. Pizza,” said Leggieri. “The most important thing to me is the culture of the kitchen. I won’t be able to work in a place where people only play Slayer and Metallica. I need more than that, I need depth. I need to be surrounded by people who can make pizza while listening to metal that runs the gamut from Children of Bodom to Malevolent Creation. And this is the big leagues, I want them to show me obscure metal bands from the ‘80s that only released one demo tape before they all died driving drunk.”

Leggieri’s mother Aubrey is trying to gently push her son in the direction she sees as the most promising.

“I want the best for my son. He’s put in a lot of hard work growing out his hair, sprouting a terrible mustache, and layering his denim jacket with patches. And I hope he chooses Taste of Italy. His father worked there back in the ‘90s, and his brother worked there part-time. It’s our family legacy,” said Mrs. Leggieri. “Plus they have the best breadsticks out of everyone else in town. If Spencer is working there he will get to bring home some leftovers, and we get the friends and family discount. This is a life-changing opportunity and I’d hate to see him waste it.”

Retired pizza shop recruiter Dave “Grimey” Burdette warns that this decision should not be taken lightly.

“I’ve seen so many promising young pizza makers get a taste of the big time and burnout. There is so much more to the job than talking shit about every customer with your co-workers and getting so drunk after your shift you need your stomach pumped,” said Burdette. “These guys tend to forget it’s actually about the pizza. It’s about making a pie so good that most normal people will overlook how filthy the place is because they know the pizza is better than anything else in town.”

At press time, Leggieri was considering taking a gap year to study thrash history in the Bay Area.

Kanye West Interrupts Best Picture Winner On Stage at Oscars to Say “Triumph of the Will” One of the Best Films of All Time

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Controversial rapper Kanye West interrupted the Best Picture winner on stage at the Academy Awards to say the 1935 Nazi propaganda movie “Triumph of the Will” was one of the greatest films of all time, confirmed sources who all said “not again” in unison.

“I’m really happy for the winners and I’ll let them finish, but Leni Riefenstahl had one of the best movies of all time,” said West without breaking eye contact with Ralph Fiennes for some reason. “It’s 2025, so it’s time we finally recognize the filmmaking accomplishments from 90 years ago. Plus, this one wasn’t three and a half hours long like a certain movie called ‘The Brutalist.’ I’ve never even heard of half of the movies in this category, and I refuse to live in a country that acknowledges Timothée Chalamet as a human being. ‘The Substance’ was pretty dope though.”

Fans of West seemed to enjoy him getting air time.

“I’m more upset that he spoiled the ending of that film for those of us who hadn’t seen it yet,” said West fan James Winston. “This reminded me of the time Ye interrupted Taylor Swift cheering her boyfriend Travis Kelce at a Chiefs game while she was on the Jumbotron. Not to mention it’s also like the time he took the mic from T-Swift mid-concert to tell her fans that Beyoncé actually had a better career than her. Man, I just can’t get enough of that guy barging in on famous pop stars.”

Experts were quick to point to other live events that West infiltrated.

“Let’s just say, whenever there’s an award show, make sure you keep Kanye as far away from the venue as humanly possible,” said pop culture blogger Mandy Struve. “Last week at the SAG Awards he interrupted Kieran Culkin during his acceptance speech after winning best male actor in a supporting role to say that Edward Norton in ‘American History X’ gave one of the best acting performances of all time. Before that, he rushed the stage at the Grammy’s to interrupt Chappel Roan and announce that Skrewdriver was one of the best bands of all time. This man simply has no boundaries.”

At press time, West doubled down by rushing the stage yet again to announce that “The Birth of a Nation” was also one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of all time.

Parents of Oscar Winner for Best Short Film Still Asking if He “Makes His Little Movies”

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — Local parents Greg and Linda Dwyer reportedly continue to dismiss their son’s filmmaking career by referring to his critically-lauded work as “his little movies,” despite him winning an Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for “The Unturned Stone,” confirmed sources.

“Oh, he’s still doing that? I’m happy for him, but it’s not like he made a Marvel movie. I can’t find his movies on Netflix,” said the father of two, standing in a kitchen cluttered with unread rave reviews of his son’s film he had sent them. “All I am saying is that it is never too late to apply to law school and make his little movies on the side. I just don’t know how winning the Audience Award at the Toronto Film Festival is going to pay the electric bill.”

Their son, now Oscar-winning filmmaker, Alan Dwyer, immediately returned to his childhood home from the ceremony, where his mother expressed confusion over his continued pursuit of filmmaking instead of settling down.

“I walked through the front door holding a literal Academy Award—the most famous trophy in the world of filmmaking and my mom told me she texted my ex Rachel to let her know I was in town,’” Alan said from his childhood bedroom surrounded by posters of his favorite filmmakers. “My dad said, ‘Neat,’ and let me know the compliance office at his old company is hiring and that I need to start ‘pounding the pavement,’ whatever that means. I literally had drinks with Bong Joon-ho last night!”

Experts say this phenomenon is common among parents of artists, regardless of achievement.

“Many parents fundamentally struggle to recognize creative success unless it results in an easily explainable career and steady paycheck,” said Dr. Madeline Choi, a cinema psychologist at the UCLA film school. “They don’t view ‘Best Short Film’ as a legitimate Oscar because it isn’t something that is played 13 times a day on TBS or sold in a bargain bin at Walmart next to ‘The Hangover 3.’ If want your parents to notice you, you’ll have to try a little harder than making a brilliant 26-minute long cinematic short that captivates the world.”

At press time, Mr. and Mrs. Dwyer were seen explaining to a neighbor that their son “is still finding himself,” while asking if their daughter, a real estate agent, can help get Alan’s foot in the door.

5 Reasons Why I Think Alice in Chains Weren’t Singing About an Actual Rooster

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Alice in Chains has consistently been one of my favorite bands ever since I was growing up in the 90s. The metal-infused riffage of Jerry Cantrell mixed with the beautifully sonorous and haunting vocals of Layne Staley made them the stalwart in the Seattle grunge scene we’ve all come to know and love, and I often find myself revisiting their catalog with what feels like the perfect combination of nostalgia and genuine musical appreciation.

I’ve also prided myself on being somewhat of a literary enthusiast, and I enjoy applying the analytical skills I’ve honed through years of reading to song lyrics. As such, in revisiting one of Alice in Chains’ biggest hits “Rooster,” I’m beginning to think it’s not actually about the daily life of an average rooster, as we’ve all come to understand it.

Crazy, right? I thought so, too, but let me provide 5 arguments to back up my claim:

1. Roosters do not have sweat glands

According to Google AI, which I recognize as a consistently reliable and accurate source: “roosters do not sweat. Instead, they regulate their body temperature by panting and losing heat through their unfeathered skin.” Why then, is the opening line of the song “ain’t found a way to kill me yet, eyes burn with stingin’ sweat”? Granted, Google AI did not yet exist when these lyrics were written, but I can’t imagine one of my favorite bands could not be bothered with a trip to the library to ensure their song about a rooster’s daily farm life was accurate. Let’s play devil’s advocate and say that was the case, though. How, then, would we explain #2?

2. Roosters are incapable of carrying a machine gun

I didn’t even need to use Google AI for this one. Never in the history of the human race have we encountered documented evidence of a rooster holding a machine gun. This flies directly in the face of the lyric “walking tall, machine gun man.” Unless this song is written from the point of view of some opposable thumb-possessing, anthropomorphic rooster, which is absolutely ridiculous, I’m left thinking there must be some other meaning here.

3. Roosters are not permitted in the Army

That’s not to say that animals have never served in our nation’s armed forces. Carrier pigeons and horses have proved themselves invaluable in past conflicts, to say nothing of the famed Seargent Stubby, a Boston Terrier who served on the frontlines of World War I by warning of impending mustard gas attacks and comforting wounded soldiers. However, top military experts have yet to think of a non-ingestive purpose a rooster can have in defending the country. Hence, the “Army green” line of this tune is nonsensical if taken literally.

4. The lyrics contain no mention of crowing at dawn, protecting the flock, or fertilizing eggs

These activities are paramount in the daily life of a rooster, so any song with themes central to the species would have to make at least some allusion to them. Yet, as I sit here scouring these lyrics, I see nary a reference to any of them. Could it be that the band just temporarily forgot how a rooster spends its days as they were writing them? Possibly, but I’m hard-pressed to believe a temporary case of writer’s block could make it all the way to the studio. While this point is pretty damning, the last may be the final nail in the coffin for the “actual rooster” explanation.

5. The music video does not contain a single rooster

While I can see counterarguments made for any of the previous reasons, this last is simply too glaring to ignore. I analyzed every frame of the music video, and while there were numerous shots of a farm, and even some horses and cows, there was no rooster. I simply cannot fathom why the band would do this, unless there is some cryptic meaning to this song that I have yet to grasp.

There you have it. With this, I rest my case and leave it up to you, the reader, to draw your own conclusion. Do you agree or disagree with my take and, if the former, what do you think this song is actually about? Hopefully, one day we will be able to get to the bottom of this. In the meantime, I’m going to begin a similar analysis of the song “Angry Chair.”

Anthony Green Assures Bandmates He “Can Quit Anytime He Wants” After Getting Caught Forming Three More Supergroups

Posted on by Scott Murray

PHILADELPHIA — Singer Anthony Green, best known as the lead vocalist of Saosin, Circa Survive, The Sound of Animals Fighting, L.S. Dunes, and too many others, was reportedly caught forming three additional supergroups behind bandmates’ backs, despite telling them he can stop if needed, confirmed concerned sources.

“I don’t have a problem forming new bands, I can quit anytime I want,” said Green, half-sheepishly, while running his hand through his hair. “I’ve never been someone who can satisfy themself roughing out one, or two, demos alone in my basement. When I told the guys I wanted to see other dudes on the side, they seemed totally fine having a musical poly singer. Besides, I used to be way worse. In 2012, I binge-formed eight groups within a three month span. That was my rock bottom.”

Saosin guitarist Beau Burchell wasn’t too pleased when he discovered Green’s musical infidelity.

“There are only so many chances you can give the lead singer of your band,” said Burchell. “Just last week I flew out to see a guy I met on tour. We spent the whole weekend together in his studio making magic—But I’d never let that get back to the other guys! Anthony on the other hand is always on his phone texting other dudes right in front of us. It’s super rude. The other day I overheard him asking some guy how many layers he had on a vocal track, begging him to take some off. The guy clearly has a problem and probably needs an intervention at this point.”

Famed “Rock Doc” Zane Williams was all too familiar with interpersonal relationships within bands.

“When you’re successful, there’s always someone willing to enable you,” said Williams. “Too many times I’ve seen singers on the wrong side of 40 performing exclusively with artists half their age. It’s a slippery slope. This is why Mike Patton spent years in rehab to ween off of forming new bands. If you can’t curb this disease, it’ll be your downfall. Just look at Eric Clapton!”

At press time, bandmates were once again disappointed after they went through Green’s phone and discovered dozens of Instagram messages with him forming side projects with his followers.

Donald Trump Signs Executive Order Removing Everyone but Kid Vid From Burger King Kids Club

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump signed an executive order demanding Kid Vid be the sole member of the Burger King Kids Club, befuddled sources report.

“This will undo the damage caused by the Marxists and Radical Left thugs in the name of DEI,” Trump said while eating a Wendy’s Baconator. “Just last week a guy came up to me, a big, strong guy with tears in his eyes, asking me to do something about the discrimination fast food mascots are experiencing. These other members of the Burger King Kids Club were there solely because of the woke agenda of the Biden administration, and only by removing them can we truly claim that America is back. From now on, the decision to use a mascot will be based entirely on their ability to sell delicious cheeseburgers and Diet Cokes.”

Local 40-year-old and former member of Burger King Kids Club mailing list Tim Cassidy was absolutely shocked to hear of the President’s questionable actions.

“Is this club even still a thing?” Cassidy asked. “I had completely forgotten that even existed up until now. Honestly, I feel like there are more important things for President Trump to be worrying about. I’m pretty sure the war in Ukraine hasn’t ended yet, and prices at the grocery store are still pretty high. I don’t think ordering the white, blond guy to be the only remaining member of some defunct cartoon marketing campaign is going to address these issues.”

Constitutional expert LaTasha Miller provided her insight on the situation.

“To be perfectly frank, America is completely fucked at this point, so Trump might as well spend his efforts on this meaningless bullshit,” Miller said while throwing up her hands. “I would actually prefer he devote his time to things like this and renaming the Gulf of Mexico, because it’s less time he can spend causing irreparable harm to the Republic. Ever since he got elected, I’ve been saying the best possible scenario is him just playing golf on the taxpayer’s dime and occasionally making some idiot gesture on a culture war hot button so Fox News can relay it to the dipshits in his base. This one’s even more inane and absurd, because Burger King mascots definitely do not fall under the purview of the President.”

At press time, Trump was seen trying to determine whether Grimace was a minority after setting his sights on McDonaldland characters next.

Sad: Man Too Broke to Adequately Love Bomb Someone

Posted on by Dom Turek

With the rising costs of goods and women’s revitalized hatred of men, love bombing has become nearly impossible unless you’re a millionaire or one of those lucky guys who has a discernable jawline. Women these days have become so morally bankrupt that you basically need to be Brad Pitt to manipulate them in this day and age, and frankly, that’s sickening.

Local lovebomber Kevin Baldwin is experiencing this sad new phenomenon firsthand. “In the old days, you confessed your love to a girl on your second date, then showed up at her workplace unannounced with gifts you stole from Whole Foods, and she was yours. No questions asked.” Sadly, these methods no longer work and it’s becoming harder and harder for men to seduce women so they can eventually abuse and devalue them. Plus have you been to Whole Foods lately? It’s like a surveillance state in there.

From Paris to Maui to The Swiss Alps, there’s virtually no place Baldwin hasn’t promised to take his partners to with zero intention of ever following through. “It turns out empty promises just aren’t enough anymore.” Badlwin’s father would be rolling in his grave to see these entitled, vacation-obsessed women running amock. Back in his day all you had to do was lay your coat down over a dirty puddle or let someone skip you in the bread line, and bam! You were married that same day.”

Baldwin’s ability to sufficiently manipulate someone has suffered a series of setbacks as of late. After the world of online sports betting didn’t pan out to be as lucrative as previously thought, his mom removed him from the family phone plan and he found out he wasn’t an ideal candidate for hair plugs, it’s become difficult for him to isolate women from their community and convince them that they’re worthless.

Despite what every single one of his ex-girlfriends will tell you, he’s just a regular, well-adjusted guy who wants to love, spoil, and flatter his new partner into a submissive fugue state wherein she can be molded into a patchwork version of his mother, but that’s too much to ask for these days if you can’t cover the dinner bill. I guess fake nice guys finish last.

Sigur Rós NBA Halftime Show Leads to Scoreless Third Quarter

Posted on by Courtney Hill

LOS ANGELES — A halftime performance by Icelandic post-rock band Sigur Rós led to an unheard of scoreless third quarter between the Golden State Warriors and the Los Angeles Lakers, disoriented attendees reported.

“In 40 years of broadcasting I’ve never seen a halftime show kill the momentum of a basketball game quite like that,” legendary Lakers commentator Stu Lantz said of the ambient rock trio’s haunting performance. “By the time the last echo loop gave way to the start of the third quarter the once enthusiastic arena had become a frigid black void of eternal isolation. For the next twelve minutes, 20,000 lost souls looked on in silence as players wandered the court in a daze with seemingly no interest in playing the game at all. Ball movement was listless- even by regular season standards- with Steph Curry putting up the sole field goal attempt which arced well short of the rim. As time expired, Warriors power forward Draymond Green led a prayer in Old Norse for which he received a second technical and was promptly ejected from the game without protest.”

Veteran superstar LeBron James offered a player’s perspective on the effect Sigur Rós had on the atmosphere coming out of the locker room.

“Athletes feed off the energy of the crowd so we were immediately lulled into introspective oblivion,” James recalled with his head gently backlit by a halo of glowing frost. “As the superficial veil of ego disappeared, so did any concern for the game. Suddenly a half-court no-look ally-oop windmill dunk felt like a garish defilement of a quieter humility, so instead we took turns holding the mother orb whispering to her our most guarded secrets. Eventually we reentered our bodies and really lit it up in the 4th.”

Halftime coordinator, Stephanie Gill, offered some insight into what makes a successful show.

“The aim is to keep the crowd excited without upstaging the game itself,” Gill commented while in a tense bidding war over the lady who rides the giant unicycle and kicks bowls onto her head. “Obviously Sigur Rós took people on a deeper journey of the mind than perhaps a human cannonball would have, but I think the combination of collective rebirth and Dippin’ Dots made for an overall positive experience. Trust me, I’ve seen worse; Sufjan Stevens once opened the Stanley Cup and they had to push the whole series back a week so the competitive spirit could recover.”

At press time, Sigur Rós was spotted giving Joanna Newsom some pointers for her upcoming appearance at UFC 313.

Crust Punk Promises to Only Use Parents’ Credit Card for Essentials During Economic Blackout

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

PROVIDENCE, R.I — Local crust punk Phil “Sponge” Baker is planning on participating in today’s economic blackout by vowing to only use his parents’ credit card for essential purchases, itchy sources confirmed.

“Thankfully, I made sure to plan ahead. I filled up my car with gas and did a massive Whole Foods run last night. I installed a secret refrigerator in my closet so everything can be safely stored in there while I ride out the day. The timing of this blackout couldn’t be worse because my dad just gave me permission to buy a new guitar, and now I have to wait until Saturday,” said Baker while indulging in chocolate truffles. “But I guess that gives me more time to come up with the story I tell my roommates about how I shoplifted it from Guitar Center.”

Baker’s roommates all claim to know that he comes from wealth and use it to their advantage.

“When Phil started coming to shows he was the only kid who owned a Mercedes. That was the first clue. The second clue was when someone Googled him and found out his dad owns a private security firm that works with state prisons. The kid is loaded,” said Eddie Buchmann, a long time “friend” of Baker. “He’s the only guy we make pay rent, we told him all 12 of us pay $3,200 a month and he’s never once questioned it. And he buys all the groceries each week, he likes to make up cute little stories about how he stole everything and almost fought a security guard, but we know the truth.”

Sociologist Lisa Mason says the economic blackout could potentially be hard on crust punks funded by their parents.

“Roughly 75% of crusties are thought to have substantial trust funds. Hiding this fact from their closest friends takes time and money, and suddenly upending the capitalist structure of our society could forcibly reveal their secrets,” said Mason. “The best way for a rich crust punk to look legitimate is to call out other punks for being posers. On days like today we will see a lot of finger pointing and reputations could be ruined forever.”

At press time, Baker was relieved to find out the economic blackout had no effect on his parents paying for his cell phone, car insurance, health insurance, retirement plan, and improv classes.

Sapiosexual? My Partner Owns A New Yorker Tote

Posted on by Josh Baumgart

Look at me, I’ve matured. It’s not all about hair, or style, or talent, for me anymore. What really gets me hot and bothered these days is intellect. All my partner needs to do to get me in the mood is plop down her New Yorker tote on our credenza and it’s game time. She doesn’t even need to tell me about the books she just checked out of the library, the tote is enough for me.

You see, I’m something of an academic. I’m out here at this farmers market, putting heirloom tomatoes in her tote, desperately trying to conceal my erection, and people are seeing us and thinking “This a man who respects a woman’s intellect. She probably makes more than him. But not in a sad ‘he hasn’t got back on his feet and owns a gaming chair’ way.” Like a “She just makes more than him, what of it?” way. I guess I’m just a little deeper than the average guy.

I saw the signs of my atypical sexuality early on. It just didn’t feel right I clicked the “straight” category on Hinge, when I always order oat milk and I drive a Subaru. One day, I finally realized I had only been attracted to people based on their Letterboxd Top 4 and their proximity to my apartment. I knew I was different; more interesting; more mysterious. Finally, now that there’s a word for people like me, I don’t have to hide who am.

When you’re not a shallow person, like me, people notice. I’m seen as a person with an advanced sense of humor. I’m someone who understands Shouts and Murmurs, but smart enough to not actually laugh audibly at something. What I do instead is say ‘that’s funny’ out loud.

If there’s anything I love more than promotional merch, it’s promotional merch that makes people think I’m dating a doctor, or maybe a teacher, or maybe even a student. Someone who reads. Or at least, someone who aspires to read. People who know what “speculative fiction” means and don’t and steal olives from Whole Foods by putting them in their cargo shorts and praying the person at self-checkout doesn’t notice how wet their shorts are.

I’m a guy who dates someone who believes in print media. Me, a renaissance man, a bibliophile if you will, a true sapiosexual.