LOS ANGELES — Local Leo Andrew Allsop is distraught after discovering that astrological differences appear to be an active threat in his several-month relationship with…
My whole life, I just kept hearing, “You Geminis… I never know which one of you I’m gonna get! One minute you’re throwing the BBQ…
WILKES-BARRE, Pa. — Local woman Alicia Beacon discovered a major red flag during her first date with Tony Delough in his overwhelmingly vocal distaste for…
Astrology is pretty much the only thing on everyone’s mind nowadays. Unfortunately everyone kind of just gives in to the zodiac hand they’ve been dealt…
As a Capricorn, there are few things I can’t stand as much as Libras. They are emotionally detached, self-pitying pacifists. The stars have chosen to…
SAN FRANCISCO — Local man Geoff Kaplan was overly critical and harsh this afternoon while discussing astrology stereotypes with friends, sources close to the obvious…
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Remember, Aries: Mars rules your sign; it does not rule you. Cancel your preorder for those 30 Seconds to…
Aries (March 21 – April 19) This is the best week of the year to listen to your creative urges, Aries — try rolling your…
Aries (March 21 – April 19) There’s no faster way to an Aries’ heart than a well-timed compliment. You know it, and, unfortunately, so does…
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Aries, you can expect a much-needed break this week, when a months-long argument over who’s more punk finally reaches…
Aries (March 21-April 19) Don’t let judgement hold you back this week, Aries. Just because you’re 35 doesn’t mean you can’t go into Hot Topic…
Aries (March 21-April 19) Your leadership skills will be of use this week, Aries. Tell your frontman that you guys are playing the song you…
Aries (March 21-April 19) Due to newly implemented postal regulations, we cannot deliver your horoscope this week, Aries. Check for a slip in your mailbox…
Aries (March 21-April 19) Be careful with that dynamic, childlike energy of yours this week, Aries. As charming as that characteristic may be, when the…
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Some astrologists say Aries are confrontational, but we say that’s fucking bullshit. Someone needs to tell everyone what posers…