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Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Be careful with that dynamic, childlike energy of yours this week, Aries. As charming as that characteristic may be, when the shit hits the fan, you will still most definitely be tried as an adult. Stay home.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

This is your week to persevere, Taurus. Don’t give up on that Ikea bookshelf you’ve been trying to build for the past 4 hours. Take a breather… and a shot of whiskey. Or four. You deserve it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

It’s a good week for starting new projects, Gemini. Lay your summer playlist to rest and get an early start on fall — or just abandon the whole thing, and listen to that same Propagandhi album you’ve been listening to since high school. That song about how ska sucks is sure to remain just as hilarious as it was when you were 16.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You may be feeling down after the sun left your sign to enter Leo last week, Cancer. Adjust your perspective: if it feels like no one ever really loved you, it can only go up from here. Find an emo night nearby and release your frustration.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

You’ll be faced with some important questions this week, Leo. Table the discussion over whether that shady dude from that metal venue can borrow your gear, and invest your energy in the “wyd” text you’re sure to get around 2 a.m. at some point this weekend.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Don’t let life get you down this week, Virgo. You’ve been working the same coffee shop job for five years now, and maybe it’s time to find something new: like that other, newer coffee shop down the street.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

If you’re feeling down, Libra, try putting on some goth rock. Let The Cure be the cure for your soul. However, if that rash remains, please see a doctor for a literal cure. That green slime or whatever in the middle is looking pretty fucking grimy.   

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Assert your position as someone to be looked up to, Scorpio, by calling those kids 15 years your junior “posers” for liking a band you also like. Don’t they know you heard of them first?

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Have you ever noticed how punks and serial murderers both have a strong desire to lure people into their basements? Weird, huh? Anyway, have fun. Be sure to let at least one person know of any shows that you go to this week.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Big conflicts are in store for you this week, Cap. Your natural tendency toward order will be challenged as you rifle through all the shit you had to cram into garbage bags, thanks to what’s “probably not even” bedbugs. Invest in plastic bins.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

You may be considering changing up your look this week, Aquarius, and with Venus’ current placement, now is the time to do it. Just be careful to factor in all the extra summer showering and its effect on your hair color.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

The fish in you will be wanting to float around even more than usual this week, Pisces. Before you head out, though, please take care of the literal fish floating around in that bowl on the kitchen counter. Find a toilet… or invest in strong incense.

Article by Courtney BakaElizabeth Teets, Allison Mick, and Chloe Connaughton