Press "Enter" to skip to content

“Astrology Is Bullshit,” Reports Obvious Virgo

SAN FRANCISCO — Local man Geoff Kaplan was overly critical and harsh this afternoon while discussing astrology stereotypes with friends, sources close to the obvious Virgo confirmed.

“Astrology is bullshit — nobody actually believes in that,” said Kaplan, who friends describe as “the most Virgo Virgo to ever Virgo.” “People just post all that stuff on social media; it’s not like anybody is actually looking at star charts. If you look at all the traits they list on the astrology websites, they can be applied to anyone. They’re all just sheep, believing anything anyone tells them.”

Friends of Kaplan believe his criticisms of astrology, and tendency to be tough on those around him, only further prove he is undoubtedly a Virgo.

“He is the most detail-oriented person I have ever met: he has different photo albums on his phone, depending on which group chat he’s sending memes to. And don’t even get me started on the spreadsheets,” said longtime friend Andrea Pollard. “We tried planning a surprise party for one of my roomates a few years back, and when I decorated the cake, he called it ‘hideous’ and refused to eat it because it was gluten-free. And then he didn’t even come to the party! Dude is a Virgo, through and through.”

However, Kaplan again refuted claims that he is overly critical, judgemental, and detail-oriented — three traits commonly linked to his sun sign.

“Everyone I hang out with is just too sensitive. It isn’t my fault they still dress like it’s 2008 and go to emo-themed dance nights,” said Kaplan. “Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I’m finalizing my meal prepping for the week,” he added, turning to his spreadsheet crafted to monitor ingredients, calories and costs.

When pressed, an irritated Kaplan, whose LinkedIn profile lists him as “an incurable perfectionist,” doubled down on his criticisms of what he calls “junk science.”

“Long story short, the position of the stars when you were born has nothing to do with the kind of person you are. I love categorizing things, but you can’t just lump people into 12 simple categories like that,” said Kaplan. “God, what an INTJ thing for me to say.”