Aries (March 21 – April 19)
There’s no faster way to an Aries’ heart than a well-timed compliment. You know it, and, unfortunately, so does that weird stalker dude. His post-show compliments may sound sincere, but don’t be fooled — he has no idea what a “paradiddle” is. Stay alert.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Hunker down and relax this week, Taurus. The check your parents sent your landlord just cleared, so you have another good three weeks before you’ll need to get up and look for a job.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’ll be feeling very conflicted this month, Gemini, when landing on the wrong side of an argument, and your constant need for attention will come head-to-head. Stick to your Gemini ways, and just talk out of your ass and make it up as you go — most people already stopped paying attention weeks ago anyway.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It’s time to ask yourself about your karma this week, Cancer: some of your past deeds may catch up with you. Quit eating your co-workers lunches out of the break room fridge… if you want to come back as anything more than a sea louse in the next life.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Leo, you may view yourself as the King of the Jungle, but the Starbucks on 9th will always see you as the grown adult who pissed their pants in line last St. Patrick’s Day. Yes, everyone still remembers. Look into Depends for next year. No shame. It’s never too early to start planning.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Secrets will see the light of day this week, Virgo, when your mom makes a “happy birthday” post featuring a photo of you during your weirdly long “Greek mythology phase.” Laugh it off. Crying it off will only make things worse. We promise.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Mercury’s retrograde is officially over, but don’t expect the exes to stop crawling out of the woodwork anytime soon, Libra. Take a lesson from super-Libra ska person (we guess?) Gwen Stefani: don’t get back with your ex, turn your feelings into music, and make a career out of appropriating chola, Hindi, and Japanese culture in the name of fashion.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The outdoors is on your mind more than usual this week, Scorpio. Sorry about that final eviction notice… but sleeping in the woods is technically “camping,” right? Shift your perspective.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week, you’ll learn that everyone’s luck will eventually run out — even you, Sag. There are only so many times a person can get a tattoo in a punk house kitchen before something goes horribly awry. Invest in antibiotics. Like, now.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You’ll feel a creative lull this week, Capricorn, when a shitload of “die bitch” and “fucking ugly cunt” reviews flood your Twitter mentions. Don’t let it get you down — how could you have known everyone would be so upset over a strawberry lemonade Recipe for Summer blog post? The Internet is just a really passionate place that is always encouraging women to push themselves to “do better,” apparently. Happens to the best of us.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
If you didn’t go to Burning Man, don’t talk about what you would’ve done if you went… just do it now! You didn’t need to be in the middle of a desert to juggle flaming hula hoops while riding your unicycle naked last weekend. Why should this one be any different?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Get ready to change your entire life this week, Pisces, after reading somewhere that vitamin B12 will address all of your vegan health concerns: at the very least, they should give you enough energy to tackle the totally different life change you fixate on next week.