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I’m Choosing to Have a Premature Birth Because There’s No Way I’m Raising a Libra

As a Capricorn, there are few things I can’t stand as much as Libras. They are emotionally detached, self-pitying pacifists. The stars have chosen to make our personalities just not line up. When my doctor told me my next expecting child was due in Libra season, I panicked.

If my child grows up a Libra, that would entail an indecisive life. There’s no way I’m paying for multiple years of college just because they can’t decide on a major.

If I could, I’d keep my newest baby inside of me for an extra few weeks until they come out a Scorpio. A real one of course, none of that cusp bullshit. Scorpios and I have a long history of getting along. Supposedly you can’t keep babies from birthing that long, so I’ve decided to do the next best thing: give my child a premature birth.

My doctor advised against it, which is such a Taurus thing for her to say. However unlike a Libra, I actually fight for what I want, and that’s to avoid turning my child into one of those emotionally unavailable narcissists. I have since been looking into internet forums for any answers. The forums have given me great induced labor tips such as exercises, eating spicy foods, even just taking bumpy car rides in case it helps jostle them out.

This is my first baby, and I want nothing to go wrong. I love my baby and can’t think of a worse way to start out one’s life than knowing that you are fated to a “let’s get along with everybody” outlook. I only have a few months left before time’s up so I need to hurry.

If any of you readers have suggestions for how to rush a birth, please email me and let me know. We’re getting closer and closer to Libra season and all these dune buggy rides aren’t doing the trick.