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Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Remember, Aries: Mars rules your sign; it does not rule you. Cancel your preorder for those 30 Seconds to Mars tickets anytime — even the fictional Roman god of war knows you must have better things to do.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Improve your spiritual wellness this week, Taurus: try meditating inside the tour van, and just tell the rest of the band that part of your new self-care routine is not loading in equipment. Trust the process.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Expect to ask the important questions this week, Gemini. Did that door guy just give you a weird look? Did that asshole mean to bump into you in the pit? There’s no way of knowing for sure, so the only reasonable option is to go on a good, long tirade as loud as you can.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You might feel a little down this week, Cancer, when the ride to Fest you waited until the absolute last minute to ask for falls through. Check out a local show instead.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Leo, while your season is long over, you still have a whole heap of planets in your “I need attention” house. Steal the spotlight away from your Libra friends: the announcement of a new side project, or a new outbreak of bedbugs, will be sure to grab everyone’s attention!

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Discovery is all around you, Virgo. Try adding a Thai iced tea to the same thing you order from the same restaurant you always go to, every time you go out. You can thank us later.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are naturally drawn to luxury, Libra, and it’s about time you embraced it. Treat yourself to that extra Jäger bomb, steal yourself the nice kombucha from the co-op, and take one — heck, TWO! — showers this week. You deserve only the best!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Treat yourself to a little pleasure this week, Scorpio. Decline any and all help to load up your drums — just do it all yourself, and spend the rest of the ride home resenting everyone in your band for being “ungrateful as shit.” Gloating feels good, in its own way.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
For unpaired Sags, bear this in mind: you have to be the one before you meet the one — project that which you want in the world. Does your look say, “I’m looking for someone who likes to fuck to the Ramones,” or “I AM someone who likes to fuck to the Ramones?” Think about it.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
It’s a great week to find a partner as ambitious as you are, Capricorn. Start looking around that community college by your dad’s house. From what we see, you’re sure to find someone who will one day manage a Regal Cinemas, and seeing a $14 movie for free is essentially the same thing as making $14. That is a fact.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Ever the unique spirit, it’s important for Aquarians to let their freak flags fly. Try to remember, though — everyone may not be as receptive to conspiracy theories as you are… and a job interview might not be the best place to bring up the existence of lizard people. Wait until your first day, then lean in hard.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces, as one of the most creative of the zodiac, you share a sign with some incredibly inventive people: Kurt Cobain, Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, and, yes, even Osama Bin Laden. Like all of these people, you will someday rise to fame for your “out-of-the-box” thinking. But there are some seriously cautionary tales in that group, so plan accordingly.