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Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
This is the best week of the year to listen to your creative urges, Aries — try rolling your hair into some new looks with any of the 200 beer cans your boyfriend leaves around the apartment.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
No sign is more drawn to money than you, Taurus, and the numbers are looking good this week. We know a guy who knows a guy that’s Instagram friends with a guy who has a hook up in real estate. He’ll make your money back for you tenfold, at least! All he needs is $10K down, and not too many questions. DM for details.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’ll reach a fork in the road this week, Gemini, when your poor financial management leaves you to choose between buying lunch, or the Bikini Kill reissue. Weigh your priorities.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Commitment is your jam, Cancer, so when you say you’re a hesher, you need to go the full nine yards. This includes not understanding that metaphor at all, because metalheads and sports aren’t generally compatible — astrologically or otherwise.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This week is a good time to be around water, Leo, so find some tranquil waters into which to dip yourself. Just make sure to stay clear of the submerged washer and dryer set in the river behind your mom’s house. It is seriously bad news in there.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Expect things to come to a head between you and your roommates this week, Virgo, when a sad attempt to pass off the raccoon shitting all over your kitchen as an “exotic pet” will go awry. Shut the back door before you leave next time.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You can expect to piss off a few friends this week when you inevitably show up two hours after the scheduled start time for their show, Libra. Fortunately, you’ll still be 45 minutes early, so don’t stress — it’ll blow over fast.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Every day is a new opportunity to change your life… so how do you want to change your life today, Scorpio? We say consider acquiring a new enemy by tweeting “this scene used to be cool lol,” and targeting whomever takes offense first.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Crying in front of others is completely normal sometimes, Sag. But maybe don’t yell, “Sorry, I’m on my period, IS THAT A FUCKING CRIME?!” at your boss while you do it [save that stuff for the end of day email instead].

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Some will say that you’re cold, brooding, and stern — but the stars know that isn’t true, Cap! They know you’re really just trying to get that goth chick’s attention. Stay committed to the bit: she’ll notice your dark poetry sooner or later.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Make some time for cleansing rituals this week, Aquarius — like meditation. Or, picking up all the dog shit in the yard you definitely said you’d pick up when you brought this dog home. Or, juicing is good, too!

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your ruling planet of Neptune is part of the retrograde cavalcade of 2018, Pisces. Replace your usual excuses for missing the first week of school and forgetting about band practice with this astrological explanation, and just flake before anyone can call you on your bullshit. Play to your strengths.

Article by Courtney BakaElizabeth Teets, and Allison Mick.