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Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Don’t let judgement hold you back this week, Aries. Just because you’re 35 doesn’t mean you can’t go into Hot Topic to pick up some band shirts… it just means you shouldn’t. Trust yourself.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Rumi said, “Your task is not to seek love, but to seek and find the barriers in yourself that you have built against it.” But that sounds lame. So if you see someone you wanna bang, kick ‘em in the shins and give them a cruel nickname. They’ll know what’s up.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
It may be time to take on a new healthy habit. Gemini. You aren’t going to be this young forever. Switch to clear liquor; the results will be immediate.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Make time to take a trip down memory lane this week, Cancer. But be sure to keep the razor scissors out of reach once you get that Bright Eyes marathon started, however — we don’t know how it took you 10 years to grow those Pete Wentz bangs all the way out, but there’s no need to go reopening that can of worms now.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
It’s a good week for taking risks, Leo. Opt out of purchasing insurance on the rental van you’re using to move. You can find a ton of way cooler things to put that $11 toward anyway.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Late summer is a great time to help those less fortunate than you, Virgo, so instead of stuffing a dollar in the jar, be sure to hand that dollar to the crustie working the next Food Not Bombs meeting. That way you’ll know they saw that you selflessly left it, and isn’t that really the point of being charitable?

Libra (September 23-October 22)
An opportunity to open yourself up to love and learning will present itself, Libra. They’re cute, they’re smart, and they may even fill you in on a jailhouse burrito recipe they learned to make upstate. Be prepared. Stock up on Ramen.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Your trust issues will have you feeling secretive this week, Scorpio. Any good astrologer would encourage you to stop hiding your light and share your gifts with the world, so get that one-man Elton John/GG Allin mashup tribute side project out of the basement and at the next open mic. You can’t argue with the stars.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Explore the realm of new possibilities, Sag! Maybe it’s time you introduce a cool new catchphrase into your vocabulary. Don’t be worried when all of your friends tell you that it’s not cool to say “Godspeed” instead of “Goodbye” — you do you.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
All work and no play make Caps very dull. Get out there and try to be spontaneous… even if that’s just getting a chili verde burrito instead of a red bean from 7/11.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Look to something that will set you apart from the crowd, Aquarius. Consider taking the unpopular, yet probably correct, opinion on the latest scene beef that’s popped up, and get a real discussion started. Or just try blue eyeliner — that’s cute, too!

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
Don’t let the other signs make fun of you for being so sensitive, Pisces. You’re a kind, caring soul, and just because you’ve been blasting the same Smiths song on repeat all day doesn’t mean… Oh, God. Are you crying again? Please stop crying, Pisces. You’re in public.

Article by Courtney BakaElizabeth Teets, Allison Mick, and Chloe Connaughton