Aries (March 21-April 19)
Due to newly implemented postal regulations, we cannot deliver your horoscope this week, Aries. Check for a slip in your mailbox and pick up your destiny at your local post office.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Summer is heating up, Taurus, and it’s a great week for making love connections. Look to your fellow earth signs for a guaranteed match… or just do what you usually do and hook up with the first drummer you see the next time you get sloppy hammered.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Be conscious of your worth this week, Gemini. The five new credit cards you opened up with the hopes of buying plane tickets so your band could tour Europe won’t pay themselves off. Either get a job or pray extra hard that some rich relative you don’t know that well dies and leaves you with a little something, whatever’s more practical.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
If last month’s eclipse left you drained, don’t worry. Stay off the radar this month. And by radar, we mean Facebook. That shit is toxic, and no one needs to know that you might be one of 114 people “interested” in attending their show.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Strong as a lion, swift as a fox — this week is going to require all your strength, Leo. Use your various talents to avoid your stepmom’s calls until you have the money to pay her back.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgo, everyone always said you’d end up on one of those daytime courtroom TV shows. Unfortunately, you’ll be the defendant, and the judge will rule that you have to give your roommate his Wii U back. In the long run, though, he’s still the loser: he’s the one that bought a Wii U.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Let romance into your life this week, Libra. Make sure to “like” every picture from the past two weeks on your crushes’ Instagram… and definitely wait to do it until 3 a.m., so they know you’re down.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Back to school season is right around the corner, Scorpio. Look forward to new opportunities to show off new clothes, meet new people, and skip class immediately to go break bottles on that old wall by the train tracks.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Change is in the air, Sag, and it’s time to move on to the next things. Leap, and don’t hesitate. Quit your job at Red Robin — Denny’s is hiring for a shitload of positions!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Manage your time well this week, Capricorn. That red shit you’re about to spend countless weeks Googling? It’s ringworm. Just go to a doctor. Your parents keep you on their insurance for a reason.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You’ll want to isolate, but social events will be crucial for you this week, Aquarius. Try and make new friends at your local bar. Who knows? Maybe you’ll befriend that dominatrix-looking chick and find out that that’s your new thing now. You can always abandon it three weeks later — like that time you said you were gonna start waking up at 5 a.m. to go running, or like college.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Get with the times, Pisces. Calling in to radio stations to play songs for your crush is a very romantic gesture for someone living in 1997. Most people don’t even remember that the radio is still a thing. Start a podcast for them to ignore instead.