Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Some astrologists say Aries are confrontational, but we say that’s fucking bullshit. Someone needs to tell everyone what posers they are, and it’s not like that term is constantly thrown around in the scene all the fucking time for idiotic reasons, right?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Countless blessings are headed your way this week, Taurus, thanks to the nasty summer cold you caught last weekend after passing out in your wet swimsuit. Invest in tissues.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your birthday month is long over, Gemini. Put the focus back on you with a spoken word solo project so insanely bad people couldn’t look away if they tried.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It’s a good week for love, Cancer! Wipe those tears off your face, lace up your Docs, and go make out with any one of the dozens of punks who looks exactly like your ex. They’ll be wearing black jeans — can’t miss ‘em!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your bold quest for constant attention may get the better of you this week, Leo. Keep the faux lion’s mane if you must, but skip the Spencer’s Gifts codpiece for the show — we all remember how poorly it was received the last time.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Take some time to get your affairs in order, just in case things turn for a worse this week, Virgo. The stars may not be predicting tragedy at this time… but just imagine if that drag queen you drunkenly made your legal guardian were to actually have to call your parents in the event of an emergency. No one should need a stern talking-to from Bob and Carol. Think ahead.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This is the week to think about budgeting and resource allocation, Libra — let your phone charge to at least 20% before leaving the house.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’ll be feeling extra collected and mature this week, Scorpio. Skip the high school parties with free booze stolen from a parents’ liquor cabinet, and get yourself some Nighttrain to drink alone in the park — like those other old guys who aren’t allowed to drive anymore.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’re in good company, Sagittarius: Tom DeLonge shares your sign, as well as your good looks, musical ability, and access to former high-ranking government officials that have gifted you with confidential information regarding extraterrestrials. Lucky you!
Capricorn (December 22- January 19)
You are so skilled at negotiating, and can draw distant sides together quickly, Cap: crust punks and gutter punks alike will all play on the same bill this month, thanks to you. Just make sure you’re there to keep things cool when a fight starts over dumpster bread.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Take special care of your throat chakra this week by drinking lots of water and tea — while it won’t heal the bruise you got from getting clotheslined in the pit last weekend, some quiet contemplation over a nice chamomile will help you realize you’re too old for this shit.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
An opportunity to make a great first impression will present itself this week, Pisces. When meeting your girlfriend’s mom for the first time, do your best to refrain from calling her “dude.”
Article by Courtney Baka, Elizabeth Teets, Allison Mick, and Chloe Connaughton.