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Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Aries, you can expect a much-needed break this week, when a months-long argument over who’s more punk finally reaches its anticlimactic end after the other guy moves on with his actual life. Revel in the victory. It’s all you’ve got now.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If you love something, Taurus, let it go. But if you hate someone, never, ever, ever forget what they did, even though they apologized and you said it’s “fine.”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are the wordsmith of the zodiac, Gemini, and today is a great day to make sure all your other band members know that — your three-hour rock opera about the pet goose you had as a kid is going to be the band’s entire “deal” from now on, and anyone who doesn’t understand what an important piece of art “The Rise and Fall of Mr. Feathers” is to the history of hardcore music can just get the fuck out.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Yes, Cancer, we know you’re the “crab,” but please stop calling those things “little baby crabs.” They’re scabies, and there’s a string of one-night lovers who are very, very upset with you.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
It’s a great week to move forward with big changes, Leo. Quit your job, break up with your girlfriend, maybe shave your head… whatever you do, do it with no regrets! After all, it looks like you’ll have a strange urge to do the same thing right around this time next month, too. The stars are so weird like that!

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Happy birthday, Virgo, to the one sign who actually doesn’t want to make a big deal of their birthday… except Beyoncé, who made a whole-ass album about her birthday. Surprisingly, the cosmos says to follow her lead. It’s okay to be proud of yourself! Your time is far better spent being hard on your bassist, your girlfriend, your coworkers, your roommate, and your mailman instead of yourself. Make it happen.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Lay low this week, Libra. Opt for something, anything, other than a bra-top and open kimono at your new internship. Not only is this a professional office, but your dad works here… so just don’t make this weird, please.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Paired-up Scorpios can expect a romantic getaway this weekend, where things are sure to get hot and steamy. And, hopefully, next time your partner will find the extra couple dollars for a private room at the hostel. Certainly, your roommate Bjärki definitely would have appreciated it.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Sagittarians, be careful to avoid regrettable mistakes this week — a DIY haircut tutorial on YouTube will tempt you to “save a shitload of money on haircuts.” Stay away from your laptop from the hours of 12 a.m. and 6 a.m.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
The summer blues may be affecting you more than normal this month, Cappy. Take some time for self-care tailored to your specific sign: the Capricorn is some kind of water goat or some shit, right? So, we don’t know… take a nice bath while chewing on a tin can? Sure. Do that.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
“Hustle” is the word of the week for you, Aquarius! So get up, get some coffee, and get your ass to the library. If you don’t do your homework, you’re going to have to pay all of those parking tickets in full, so start looking for legal loopholes now.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Compromise is not in your vocabulary right now, Pisces. The Hideaway is your venue, and no other band can play there without your approval. Make sure they know you aren’t willing to settle — passive aggressively talk shit about them behind their back to everyone else.

Article by Courtney BakaElizabeth Teets, and Allison Mick.