CHICAGO 一 Local woman and record collector Sara Yousefi feels extremely relieved and happy that a random man has decided to gatekeep nu-metal, groaning sources…
BOSTON — Local woman Ava Rivera experienced what she believed to be a breakthrough last week after suffering her first panic attack about something realistically…
NEW YORK — Local woman Francisca Noguera asked her abusive partner of five months if he could extend his grooming habits to include his hygiene,…
OAK PARK, Ill. — Lexie Henriques courageously ignored a notification suggesting it may be “Time to close Instagram?,” nobly ignoring the setting she enabled to…
TAUNTON, Mass. — Local maniac and new mother Aidy Simmons is now apparently the foremost expert on health, safety, and almost every other topic now…
DES MOINES, Iowa — Local man Dale Harrison was admitted to the ICU at St. Mary’s Hospital last Thursday after discovering that the drummer of…
DURHAM, N.C. — Local graphic designer Kendra Thayer was relieved to wake up intact after an intense night of introducing herself to three complete strangers…
LANCASTER, N.H. — A local historian of punk rock recently unearthed incontrovertible evidence that GG Allin’s full name was actually Gilmore Girls Allin, sources who…
FALL RIVER, Mass. — A centuries-old apparition roaming the innards of an 1800’s New England heritage property “must be someone else’s friend,” reports every one…
CLARKSBURG, W. Va. — Hopeless romantic Stevie Knightson recently imploded his entire social life by profusely expressing his longtime admiration for pal Irene Debcott, ashamed…
PHILADELPHIA — Determined woman and job applicant Patricia O’Malley is creatively pursuing work that she’s technically overqualified to do by acting like a man who’s…
BLUEFIELD, W.V. — Local woman Erica Forster is currently on hour nine of watching 25 years’ worth of Blue’s Clues, following a viral video released…
I can’t believe that “sound guy” is still a socially acceptable thing to call someone. What year is this, 2004?! How can this scene even…
FOREST PARK, Ill. — Local woman in her mid-30s Laura McMann was carded again late yesterday evening when attempting to buy alcohol after her hormonal…
BILLINGS, Mont. — Childless freak by choice Shelby Van Camp recognized yesterday that the silver lining to the colossal shitshow that is life right now…