CHICAGO — Aging goth Ashe Montresor is barely managing to push through their daily 170-minute ritual of applying the appropriate makeup to make them look…
Oiright, oiright, oiright. You know what I love about the local scene? Every four years it completely refreshes. Kids graduate from high school and move…
SAINT PAUL, Minn. — 37-year-old punk Ronald “Buckets” Drearer grossly exaggerated how much alcohol he regularly consumes in order to seem cooler during a recent…
There are so many things to hate about this entitled millennial generation, but nothing scorches my sky more than their addiction to technology. These ungrateful…
FORT WAYNE, Ind. — A punk mom put pressure on her happily married 36-year-old daughter to get divorced before it’s too late, sources close to…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — 45-year-old salon owner Jessica Hunter slashed her laptop with barber shears in response to an “adult contemporary” playlist recommendation given to her…
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local activist and aging vegan Victor Gonzalez expressed his disappointment that the new generation of vegans have no interest in brutal videos…
What the fuck? How did I not get one double-take when I walked in here? What the hell happened to this scene? Okay, sure, maybe…
CHICAGO — Local nonagenarian Horace Miles finally settled on a design for what he would like his first tattoo to be after mulling it over…
GLEN BURNIE, Md. — Local punk Cris Martinson was recently honored by Forbes Magazine in their annual “30 People over 30 Who Need to Get…
FOREST PARK, Ill. — Local woman in her mid-30s Laura McMann was carded again late yesterday evening when attempting to buy alcohol after her hormonal…
TUCSON, Ariz. — 30-year-old Joann Kim suffered a three-day hangover after walking by the liquor aisle at her local grocery store, solemn sources confirmed. “I…
Let’s be real — age is just a number. What’s great is that it can be any number you want, depending on how much responsibility…
PEORIA, Ill. — Local 36-year-old Victoria Wilkins once again refused to admit to her parents that she completely regrets the Fall Out Boy tattoo she…
MADISON, Wis. — An audience at a local coffee house performance art event this past weekend was disappointed when the headliner, Indigo Starr, was unable…