SAN FRANCISCO — A select group of lucky fans backstage after an Anthrax show last night were ultimately disappointed to learn that Scott Ian’s goatee…
LOS ANGELES — Reality TV star and occasional musician Bret Michaels announced earlier today that he will be performing the 2007 season of his hit…
YPSILANTI, Mich. — Local man Toby Campbell was humiliated last night by accidentally wearing a thrash metal shirt to a doom metal show, according to…
One day, after black mass, a parishioner approached the high priest with a troubled look in his eyes. “High Master Abyzou, I sometimes feel that…
BERLIN — German Chancellor Angela Merkel signed a controversial bill into law today, no longer requiring the government-funded Gesetzliche Krankenversicherung insurance system to cover sex…
Mueller Plays Same Set During Encore
WASHINGTON — Robert Mueller frustrated fans and detractors alike by playing the exact same set during an encore performance in front of the House Judiciary…
Bell Witch Still Playing First Show of 2017 Tour
DENVER — Portland-based funeral/doom band Bell Witch are reportedly still playing the first show of their 2017 tour several years after their allotted 45-minute set,…
Colorblind Metal Fan Not Sure Which Baroness Album They Just Bought
SAN FRANCISCO — Local metalhead Eddie “Pitch Black” Keil is worried today that his color blindness may have led him to purchase the wrong Baroness…
Where Are They Now? the Cars From Heavy Metal Parking Lot
33 years after the release of the accidental Spinal Tap sequel, “Heavy Metal Parking Lot,” one of the most frequently asked questions has been: where…
Mike Portnoy’s Kit Technically Playing on Different Festival Stage Than Other Dream Theater Members
CHICAGO — Attendees of this year’s Prog-A-Thon Talent Metal Festival were confused to see Dream Theater drummer Mike Portnoy playing on a separate, much bigger…
Mayhem Cover Band Already Killed Each Other
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Mayhem cover band Freezing Moon were found dead only a day before they were supposed to headline a local black metal festival,…
Dokken Shirt to Headline Goodwill Donation Box
ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local metalhead Ron Stevens announced today that an old Dokken T-shirt will be headlining his upcoming Goodwill donation box, excited sources…
Metal Song Not Even Close to Being Over
DENVER — A song by local fantasy metal band Ölüm is reportedly not even close to being over, despite entering its sixth minute a few…
The Heartwarming Story of the Kids Who Put a Magic Top Hat on King Diamond and Brought Him to Life
Few people actually remember the fact that King Diamond was created after a group of local Danish children put a magic top hat they had…
ATLANTA — A flyer posted on the corkboard of Criminal Records announced that local metal band Fierce Fire is holding auditions for a new guitarist,…