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Germany’s Socialized Healthcare No Longer Covers Rammstein-Related Sex Injuries

BERLIN — German Chancellor Angela Merkel signed a controversial bill into law today, no longer requiring the government-funded Gesetzliche Krankenversicherung insurance system to cover sex injuries caused by listening to the German industrial gothic metal band Rammstein.

“Every time someone has to be treated for lacerations from a sex swing or over-dialiation of the urethra, Germany pays the bills, and we’ve found Rammstein is the leading inspiration for such calamities,” Merkel said at a press conference. “And frankly, our country is quickly going bankrupt as a result. German citizens will no longer foot the bill for scrotal distress or surgeries to reattach nipples stemming from repeated listens to ‘Sehnsucht.’”

The bill defines specific injuries known to occur in and around the Rammstein community — including, but not limited to, ballgag inhalation, collar burns, whip lesions, deep plug removal, and 56 other non-life-threatening injuries.

“This is a dark day for Germany,” Rammstein fan and professional submissive Dedric Becker told reporters while hanging by his foreskin from a chandelier. “If we cannot have our infections treated after a catastrophic golden shower incident while listening to the greatest band of all time, then what are we? Americans, that’s what!”

Rammstein frontman Till Lindemann released a statement shortly after the bill was passed expressing his frustration.

“I am so angry that I almost don’t even want to receive fellatio from a circus clown with a mouthful of broken glass,” he told fans in an email. “We as Germans need to rise up and demand that the government subsidize our freedom to listen to industrial EDM and get pegged on an electrified bed of nails.”

While a majority of the German population believe that whatever people do in the privacy of their own homes to whatever music they wish is their own business, most seem happy with the new restrictions on health care coverage.

“I myself love to play Rammstein’s ‘Mutter,’ have my husband put a saddle on me, and ride me around the backyard like a prize filly,” said Kreuzberg resident Lena Wagner after unzipping her leather mask. “But I don’t expect my neighbor to pay my chiropractor bill.”

Following the bill’s passage, several private sadomasochist insurance agencies have begun advertising in Berlin’s red light district, hoping to find potential clients en route to the hospital.