MINNEAPOLIS — A guitarist for local metal outfit Goat Theory was fired last week, forced to shave his beard and return it to the group…
LOS ANGELES — A flurry of legendary thrash bands returned to their original form today after guitarist Dave Mustaine signed a contract to rejoin Metallica…
It’s Not My Job to Explain the Intricacies of Doom Metal but After I Fix Your Muffler I Will
I am not standing here in the garage of a Pep Boys because it’s my job to inform you about why Doom Metal is the…
Scott Ian’s Goatee Kind of a Dick in Person
SAN FRANCISCO — A select group of lucky fans backstage after an Anthrax show last night were ultimately disappointed to learn that Scott Ian’s goatee…
LOS ANGELES — Reality TV star and occasional musician Bret Michaels announced earlier today that he will be performing the 2007 season of his hit…
YPSILANTI, Mich. — Local man Toby Campbell was humiliated last night by accidentally wearing a thrash metal shirt to a doom metal show, according to…
One day, after black mass, a parishioner approached the high priest with a troubled look in his eyes. “High Master Abyzou, I sometimes feel that…
BERLIN — German Chancellor Angela Merkel signed a controversial bill into law today, no longer requiring the government-funded Gesetzliche Krankenversicherung insurance system to cover sex…
Bell Witch Still Playing First Show of 2017 Tour
DENVER — Portland-based funeral/doom band Bell Witch are reportedly still playing the first show of their 2017 tour several years after their allotted 45-minute set,…
Colorblind Metal Fan Not Sure Which Baroness Album They Just Bought
SAN FRANCISCO — Local metalhead Eddie “Pitch Black” Keil is worried today that his color blindness may have led him to purchase the wrong Baroness…
Where Are They Now? the Cars From Heavy Metal Parking Lot
33 years after the release of the accidental Spinal Tap sequel, “Heavy Metal Parking Lot,” one of the most frequently asked questions has been: where…
Mayhem Cover Band Already Killed Each Other
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Mayhem cover band Freezing Moon were found dead only a day before they were supposed to headline a local black metal festival,…
Dokken Shirt to Headline Goodwill Donation Box
ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local metalhead Ron Stevens announced today that an old Dokken T-shirt will be headlining his upcoming Goodwill donation box, excited sources…
Metal Song Not Even Close to Being Over
DENVER — A song by local fantasy metal band Ölüm is reportedly not even close to being over, despite entering its sixth minute a few…
The Heartwarming Story of the Kids Who Put a Magic Top Hat on King Diamond and Brought Him to Life
Few people actually remember the fact that King Diamond was created after a group of local Danish children put a magic top hat they had…