LOS ANGELES — Local metalhead Layne Medema spoke with a representative from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention hotline for well over an hour…
NEW YORK — The Carfax Car Fox TV mascot shocked the world this past Monday as the latest to be diagnosed with the COVID-19 virus.…
HOUSTON — Confused guy and self-described “gym rat” Hunter Brooks habitually motioned today for a woman at a local Planet Fitness to remove her N95…
PORTLAND, Maine — Residents of local punk house the Fire Trap added more tap water today to the house’s already severely diluted bottle of Dr.…
SAN JOSE, Calif. — Popular OnlyFans model LilVickiXX posted a new video earlier today where she showed her ass, tits, and difficulty breathing, concerned sources…
CLEVELAND — Democratic presidential frontrunner Joe Biden stunned supporters today by soliciting foreign interference from Russian intelligence operatives to help him log in to his…
MINNEAPOLIS — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommended not attending a local house show tonight to limit the spread of Fighting in the…
BROOKLYN — Local roommate Will Sanders surprised his housemates yesterday when he finally bought toilet paper for the first time ever, somewhat relieved sources confirm.…
PHILADELPHIA — St. Patrick’s Day revelers at Rocco’s Lounge realized moments ago that the green beer they’re drinking is not a holiday gimmick, visibly unwell…
ATLANTA — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention issued a reminder today that no one would’ve attended a Thursday night show anyway at KTUB…
FITCHBURG, Mass. — 32-year-old hardcore kid Justin Phillips is driving the “snakes” out of his local scene just as the original Saint Patrick did hundreds…
LOS ANGELES — Rapper Chet Hanks, son of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, tested positive for “full-body dopeness” this morning following a video update on…
NEW YORK — Newly single and perfectly healthy man Dave Prost edited his Tinder bio yesterday, replacing his height with an up-to-date measurement of his…