TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Punk and self-described “downfall of the establishment” Garreth Wilkes announced today that he will send a vicious death threat to his sitting…
DETROIT — Joe Biden was seen pacing back and forth outside a local factory today, searching for the mother fucker he invited to “take this…
SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — Local frontman Spencer Wilt made an impassioned declaration to the Coronavirus “and other infectious diseases,” clarifying that highly contagious sicknesses of any…
WASHINGTON — The Democratic National Committee released a statement earlier this week urging all American citizens to exercise their right to vote for candidates and…
LUBBOCK, Texas — Psych-rock band Three Inch Teeth treated their drummer Mitchell Gauthier to a night on the town last night, doing all of his…
ATLANTA — Patrons of Leatherman’s Bluff Sex Emporium were cresfallen today upon learning that Dark Spectrum, the clubs monthly “anything goes” no-condoms-allowed orgy will be…
KANSAS CITY — Local slob Donna McKenny agitated her roommates again yesterday with her claim that the mounting piles of dirty clothing in their apartment…
LANSING, Mich. — Local 13-year-old Malcolm Woods’ attempt at drunken debauchery last night ended in disappointment after realizing the bottle of vodka he stole from…
DETROIT — Democratic frontrunner Joe Biden admitted he is considering current president Donald Trump as a potential running mate in his bid for the presidency…
PEORIA, Ill. — Legendary street punk band The Drain Cloggers’ re-release of their seminal 2000 album, “The Ship’s Sinking and We’re Stuck in the Bathroom,”…
NAZARETH, Pa. — Local teen Brian Miller found his father’s old stash of Playboys while snooping through the garage late last night and is now…
Last week my landlord informed me they’re raising the rent by 600 dollars. Even when you account for my monthly stipend, it means I’ll no…
KENT, Conn. — Local shoplifter and psychological mastermind Wendy “Sticky Fingers” Hartley reportedly bought a 35-cent pack of Big Red chewing gum yesterday to distract…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk Eddy “Rotgut” Lewiston made a panicked phone call to his parents to make sure his vast fortune was not affected…