HUNTINGTON, N.Y. — A punk show scheduled to happen in local teen Mike Lennox’s basement was canceled yesterday afternoon after his mom came home with a Hyundai Santa Fe full of groceries and household items, according to totally pissed off sources.
“Coronavirus? Hell no, I didn’t cancel because of Coronavirus,” explained the 18-year-old Lennox, whose band Gutterfucker was set to headline the show in his parents’ basement. “We canceled because my freaking mom bought an industrial-sized package of English muffins where the stage goes. This was supposed to be a DIY hardcore show, not a PTA Mother’s Day brunch!”
Michael’s mother Debra Lennox, who went on the shopping spree in preparation for possible quarantines or shortages, maintained a chipper attitude despite her son’s visible annoyance.
“If Mikey still wants to have a few of his little friends over, they can use the living room!” Mrs. Lennox stated while unpacking a two-year supply of couscous. “I’ll supervise and make sure there’s plenty of healthy social distancing going on. We can rent a movie or play Pictionary, and I have 18 pounds of trail mix for everyone!”
Indeed, concert venues across the country have shut down to prevent the spread of the Coronavirus.
“Even a small basement show is a horrible idea right now,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases. “The only thing more dangerous than a large crowd would be a sparsely attended gathering of dirty, sweaty punks slam-dancing to shitty music in an unventilated basement. In terms of social distancing, if you see someone in a Sick of it All hoodie, you should straight up run the fuck away.”
At press time, Mrs. Lennox was checking with her son if anyone in his band had a peanut allergy.