LOS ANGELES — Local barista Ashley Campos was dismayed to realize that she was ghosted by a skater exactly seven days after watching a jinxed…
MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — Local punk band Butcher Paper ostensibly only formed to garner attention by way of constant death threats and doxxing, music fans and…
WASHINGTON — A new commission on Socializing, Relationships & Dating released a 105-page report determining that a breakup still counts between two romantically involved parties,…
COMMACK, N.Y. — Local man who can’t seem to catch a break Josh Crabtree had a brief moment of celebration after paying off his student…
SEATTLE — A coalition of ‘90s doctors announced this morning that fully vaccinated individuals are safe to peruse each other’s overstuffed CD binders in a…
NEW YORK — Owner and lead investigator of the Blue Prints Detective Agency, Steve, sat down and wept in his shower for several hours after…
NEW YORK — Recent NYC transplant and lifelong Floridian Jerry Smithson announced to a group of friends that New York City is without a doubt…
BOTHELL, Wash. — Audio equipment giant Behringer excited consumers by releasing a new line of electric drum sets that comes pre-covered in dust, allergy-ridden sources…
WESTON, Conn. — Police supporter Derek Conroy is “pretty confident” that there is no over-policing problem in the United States because he has never seen…
CHICAGO — Local Tinder bot Jennifer, 29, whose existence centers on driving lonely men to fraudulent dating sites, organically stopped spamming anyone under six feet…
LOS ANGELES — Aging punk Mike Cruz was ordered by the Council of Punk Legitimacy to inform his neighbors that he is a registered poser…
NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Local man and dedicated Al’s Automotive supporter Brian Crespi was shocked and devastated to learn that the mechanic he sees regularly…
WASHINGTON — Prominent conservatives nationwide are beginning to inquire if they are still morally obligated to listen to Ariel Pink after the artist was spotted…
CHICAGO — Local man and self-proclaimed foodie Harry Blanks unhinged his jaw like a Burmese Python in order to take a bite of the coveted…
ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local punk and avid merch buyer Ben Riley officially crossed the line from human being to sentient merch booth with the…