DALLAS — Residents of the local punk house The Lincoln Memorial learned yesterday that the white noise machine they thought they’ve been using for the…
ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local sandwich artist Allison Kim’s spacious, work-issued polo shirt did little to block a well-known customer’s intense, sexually-charged leer, according to uncomfortable…
HANOVER, Pa. — Local Nazi, Kyle Rumbley, is unsure how to tell his family he voted for Joe Biden after Pennsylvania flipped blue, ultimately securing…
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local pop-punk group Dorm Room Philosophers reportedly fought over songwriting technique yesterday while recording their new album, accusing guitarist Trey Adams of…
SAN JOSE, Calif. — Quarantined suitor Gabe Dawson canceled his highly anticipated Zoom date with “hot barista Dylan” last night after spending 45 minutes as…
PARADISE VALLEY, Ariz. -— Former Vice President Dan Quayle has reportedly contracted the novel Coronavirus “COVIDE-19,” according to Quayle’s medical records. “Mr. Quayle checked in…
2020 has got to be the worst year for punk by far. Ant that’s saying a lot since it died in 1978, 1986, and a…
ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local gym rat Paul Deetz started his workout today with a full seven minutes of rest while the first track in…
WILMINGTON, Del. — Democrat Joe Biden’s Presidential acceptance speech was interrupted today by rapper-turned-presidential candidate Kanye West, who rushed the stage to deliver his own…
In my entire life, I have never breathed a sigh of relief quite like the one I enjoyed when I found out that the era…
MISSOULA, Mont. — Local man David Baker’s ever-growing rat tail has reached a length that “definitely soaks it in the toilet bowl when he sits…
PHILADELPHIA — Local band The Shit Kickers condemned their second place prize and disputed the accuracy of the applause-o-meter today at Battle of the Bands…
JASPER, Ark. — Local militia member Lance Hagan accidentally ate the three years’ worth of emergency rations while anxiously watching the election results, according to…