Andrew W.K. Tries to Convince Friends He Always Wore Pink Jeans After Laundry Mishap

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

LOS ANGELES — An errant red shirt in a recent laundry load led party-rock mainstay Andrew W.K. to attempt to convince those around him that he actually always wore fuschia-colored jeans, sources seeing through the lie confirmed.

“Not sure why everyone’s making such a huge deal about the pants I’ve always worn. It’s not like I’ve committed myself to a recognizable uniform that I’d look outlandish out of, so, again, really not front-page news that I’m wearing these pink jeans,” said a clearly trying to keep up appearances W.K., as his blushing face turned the same hue as his trousers. “Honestly, all these friends of mine saying that I’m always wearing white should really get their eyes checked, I’m worried for them, to tell you the truth. Or, maybe it’s the camera lenses that have photographed me over the years that have made them look that way? Any way you slice it, we can all agree: Andrew W.K. has always worn pink jeans, and white jeans have never been associated with him whatsoever. Now, where was I? Oh right, let’s party.”

Actor Kat Dennings, recently married to W.K., admits to feeling her betrothed’s secondhand embarrassment.

“Oh, it’s cringeworthy to watch your spouse squirm under such scrutiny, that’s for sure. I just don’t get why he’s so committed to the lie, the guy’s been wearing all white since before Y2K, just drop it!” said Dennings, as she watched her husband sullenly plunk away at a nearby piano. “He’s considering releasing a re-recording of ‘Don’t Stop Living In The Red’ as ‘Don’t Stop Living In The Pink’ to back up his claim, but I’m pretty sure the public will see right through it. His fans like to party, but they’re not morons. Plus, he looks good in that color, don’t you agree? ”

As to how and why a red shirt got into W.K.’s all-white laundry, the blame rests squarely on a rock star of a different stripe.

“Hell yeah, I tossed a red shirt of mine in there with his stuff,” said a brusque Jack White with a chuckle. “I’ve been feeling nostalgic for the days of the White Stripes and wanted to throw the old crimson on to re-live some memories, but that sucker stank. I probably hadn’t washed it since ‘De Stijl,’ and boy did the shirt ever ‘de stijnk,’ if you know what I’m sayin’! But, since all we famous rock stars use the same laundromat, it must have gotten switched up with Andrew’s. He should be thankful Slash’s hat didn’t end up in there, instead, you wanna talk about a nose-pincher! Hooo-eee! Welcome to the Jungle, inDEED!”

At press time, W.K.’s mood lifted considerably after he realized that an all-pink wardrobe would hide bloodstains far better than his previous attire.

Every Bad Religion Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Nigel Powers

Bad Religion rose to prominence in the ’80s through genre defining (and sometimes defying) work, then lost key members in the ’90s, leading to less than stellar output, and rose like a Phoenix in the 2000s with the returning member creating an unprecedented three guitar lineup in punk, alongside genre-defining work once again. Led by the indomitable spirit of Dr. “Human Thesaurus” Greg Graffin on lead vocals and shrewd businessman Brett Gurewitz as guitarist/co-songwriter, with assists from longtime bassist Jay Bentley, and a rotating door of some of the best guitarists and drummers in punk including living legend Brian Baker, this ever expanding group of Punk Rock raconteurs both helped define melodic punk, and have been stalwarts of the genre for longer than many bands and musicians typical lifespans.

So it’s only natural for someone looking for the good stuff in an expansive career to come to The Hard Times, arbiters of albums, for a definitive listing. So without further ado, Wacho!

17. The New America (2000)

Bad Religion’s 20th anniversary coronation was a rhubarb crown of raw mediocrity. Plagued with mid-tempo songs , and produced by Greg Graffin’s idol turned nemesis Todd Rundgren, Bad Religion entered the new millennium sounding like a band long past their prime, and even longtime fan Fat Mike hated this album. Only listen to it if you have a thing for masochistic punishment.

Play it Again: “Believe It” (well it paved the way for Brett to return, so you better “Believe It”)
Skip it (and for the Love of God burn with fire): “I Love My Computer”

16. No Substance (1998)

But even if you are into such masochistic punishment, you’d be better served by looking at the album cover for previous release “No Substance.” And there’s no substance indeed on this album, with uninspired songwriting and barely audible vocals, this album is more useful in cd form as a surface to snort shitty, stepped on coke off of, adding substance, but who buys cds anymore?

Play it Again: “No Substance”
Skip it: “Hear it” (we’d rather not either)

 

15. Age of Unreason (2019)

First album to feature fedora mummy/charisma vacuum Mike Dimkich replacing long time axeman Greg Hetson, and Jaime Miller replacing Brooks Wackerman when he got a pay raise via membership in a bigger band (Avenged Sevenfold). This album contains some rock-solid Bad Religion songs while breaking no new ground for the band as a whole, like a comfortable but too familiar long term relationship. Maybe the band should have joined the Navy after “True North” after all.

Play it Again: “My Sanity”
Skip it: “Lose Your Head”

14. The Dissent of Man (2010)

Written following the second coming of Brett, and their second holy trinity (“Process of Belief,” “Empire Strikes First,” and “New Maps of Hell”), to keep things fresh for the album, the band collectively agreed to use less big fancy school words,and instead settled on using clever wordplay and alliteration instead. Not classic quality, not shitshow, a nonchalant release that’s a notch above the rest, but faaarrrr from second (or even third of fourth best), thus begins the notation of mid-level “Bad Religion” releases.

Play It Again: “Meeting of the Minds”
Skip it: “Avalon”

13. Recipe For Hate (1993)

Home to mega single “American Jesus,” the fan favorite title track and soulful ballad “Struck a Nerve” (dat guitar solo, Greg Hetson you’re in rare form, chef’s kiss). The rest of the album is a mix of attempts to add variety to the Bad Religion formula, ranging from the catchy, slinky alternative rock of “All Good Soldiers” to the cold and lifeless “Kerosene” (keeps me warm my ass, I’d rather rely on global warming).

Play it again: “Struck a Nerve” and “Recipe for Hate”
Skip it: “Kerosene”

 

12. The Gray Race (1996)

The First Bad Religion release without the songwriting duo of Graffin/Gurewitz, and the first album with punk legend Brian Baker on guitar, this mostly solid selection of songs fooled both the band and the general public into thinking that the band would be just fine without Brett. And while the good songs on this album are pretty sweet, Greg Graffin was starting to noticeably drag without his songwriting partner, leading to this mixed bag of “Punk Rock Songs.”

Play It Again: “10 in 2010” (or 24 in 2024 if you wanted to feel old)
Skip it: “Victory”

11. Into the Unknown (1983)

Deciding to make a record that would piss off their fans (as was the style at the time), Bad Religion decided to make a space rock record, which was so derided at the time that it made Jay Bentley quit the band, and it’s the only album he doesn’t play on (he later rejoined when the band disowned the album). Existing as a legend for the longest time, since the band refused to repress, reissue or recognize this album until 2010, and it’s a shame, because this album rules. The black sheep of Bad Religion’s Discography, filled with bouncy synth’s, concept songs, and lyrics that look to the sky instead of the world around them, bringing listeners “Into the Unknown.” together.

Play It Again: “The Dichotomy”
Skip It: “Chasing the Wild Goose”

10. New Maps of Hell (2007)

This album features some live staples, the shortest song of their career in the aptly titled “52 Seconds,” and continued the general hot streak of 2000s Bad Religion. Plus “New Maps of Hell” ended up being a Nostrodomausly accurate description of post 2020s Earth. We’d say more about this record but we need to research them to discover if hell could be any worse, answering the age-old question for punks young and old once and for all.

Play It Again: “Heroes and Martyrs”
Skip it: “Murder”

 

9. Against the Grain (1990)

Some would say that it’s blasphemous to rank this part of the Bad Religion “Holy Trinity” (the other two being “Suffer” and “No Control”), but this is a Hard Times ranking of a band with a literal “crossbuster” for a logo, so a little blasphemy is par for the course. But hey it’s an album so good that the worst song on it became not only a minor radio hit, but a live staple, and virtually every song going through the live rotation at some point in time, and even features punk legend Keith Morris on backing vocals for one song, so not bad for the worst of holy trinity after all.

Play it Again: “Operation Rescue”
Skip it: “21st Century Digital Boy” (because you’ve heard it too many times before)

8. True North (2013)

Late Career Bad Religion once again showing you young whippersnappers how it’s done, adding yet another revolutionary album into an already legendary career. This album also served as the first to feature longtime guitarist/co-songwriter Brett Gurewitz on lead vocals for one track, to pretty rad results, and the last to feature longtime guitarist/hype man Greg Hetson, and drum Satan Brooks Wackerman, who left for more Satanic territory.

Play It Again: “True North” (but really the first half of this album has no skips)
Skip It: “Popular Consensus”

7. The Empire Strikes First (2004)

Hot off the release of “Process of Belief,” Bad Religion was firing on all cylinders. Fueled by the burgeoning anti-Iraq War movement, Bad Religion released yet another banger of a punk record that was not only instant classic, but genre pushing. Instrumental march intros, guest rappers (and they said “Into the Unknown” was weird, pffft), and riffs and solos that would make any NWOBHM fan cream their leather pants, this album proved that Bad Religion were a timeless punk band.

Play It Again: “Sinister Rouge”
Skip It: “Live Again (The Fall of Man)”

6. How Could Hell Be Any Worse (1982)

An album that’s older than most of our readers. It was written, recorded and released when the band was still in high school, Bad Religion’s debut was pure, raw hardcore goodness with a beautiful sense of melody, courtesy of a pubescent Greg Graffin’s more nasal delivery compared to future releases. Establishing the band’s sound and satirically cynical but equally brilliant take on the world around them, inspiring hundreds if not thousands of snot-nosed punks to do their best preacher impression to this day!

Play it Again: “We’re Only Gonna Die”
Skip it: “Sensory Overload” (we get frazzled too easily these days)

5. Stranger Than Fiction (1994)

Despite the title, this was not a mid 2000s Will Ferrell comedy, but Bad Religion’s (Gasp) major label debut, leading to many fans uttering the now antiquated cry of “sell out” accusations against the band. But within under 5 seconds, you not only realize how wrong they were, but that the band was sounding meaner and punker than ever, truly going “Against the Grain.” Unfortunately this would also be the last Bad Religion album of the 20th century to feature guitarist/co-songwriter Brett Gurewitz, as he left the band within a fortnight of its release to focus running the then-booming Epitaph record label, leaving an unfillable gap in the songwriting team.

Play it Again: “Incomplete” (RIP Wayne Kramer, who guests on this track)
Skip it: “21st Century Digital Boy” (they already recorded it once, so why would you listen again)

4. Generator (1992)

Released after the fall of the Berlin Wall and after the rise of grunge, this album saw Bad Religion march confidently into the ’90s with no small aid from powerhouse new guy on drums Bobby Schayer. Demonstrating that the band were more then one trick pony, “Generator” saw the band breaking new ground by slowing some their songs down and adding more varied songwriting, since they weren’t spring chickens, but fine roosters, worthy of the Fenix TX song. For Bad Religion, and the ’90s seemed like a time where humanity had a fertile plot and a party that would never stop…

Play It Again: “Atomic Garden”
Skip It: “Two Babies in the Dark”

3. The Process of Belief (2002)

…until tragedy struck on 9/11, and thus the world was once again steeped in turmoil. Fear, uncertainty and ennui ensued, but just as luck would have it, Bad Religion, once again not only blessed with a, pardon our pun, new power “Generator” drummer in young gun Brooks Wackerman, but the “Return of the King,” one year before its scheduled box office release when Brett Gurewitz returned to the band (if only a glorified studio guy). The combined reunion of the Lennon/McCartney of punk, mixed with a youngblood drummer sacrifice conjured one of the best Rock’n’Roll COMEBACKS of all time, leaving to an album full of some of the most poignant, energetic and straight up soulful songs of their career, and low key some of the best punk guitar work this side of Thrice’s “The Illusion of Safety”.

Play it Again: “Kyoto Now” and “Materialist”
Skip It: “Broken”

2. No Control (1989)

The kids these days with their Sum 41s, in my day we had Bad Religion’s “No Control,” an album that was both a full “Half Hour of Power” AND “All Killer No Filler.” Lightning fast all the way through with mid-tempo songs that the band was legally obliged to provide, lest they be sued if a fan “Suffered” a heart attack while listening. Fun fact this album has such raw adrenaline contained within, it directly led to decline of cocaine use into the ’90s, since buying this record is cheaper, and a renewable source of adrenaline.

Play it Again: We don’t want to, just, juuuusssstt one more time man!
Skip it: Upon further listening no, we won’t skip it

1. Suffer (1988)

This album dictated the shape of punk to come, before “the Shape of Punk to Come” (Refused) was released, back when punk was still punk. From the rip roaring “You Are the Government”, the Slacker anthem of “What Can You Do,” and the satanic sounding chant of the title track’s bridge (which becomes a different language with enough LSD) “Suffer” perfecting the blend of melodic and hardcore (resulting in melodic hardcore). Hell, they even innovated the one two three four count up to TEN on “Part 2 (The Numbers Game),” and bands for generations continue to generate songs that shoot for, but never reach the heights of this record!

Play it Again: “The Masses of Humanity” have always had to suffer, so yes.
Skip It: Since you’ve blown your mind, and thus chosen to resign, you gotta listen once again (checkmate punks).

Echoes of Windows 95 Boot-up Sound Reverberate as Archeologists Disturb Cursed Tomb of Vaporwave Musician

Posted on by Trevor Hazell

CINCINNATI – An expedition led by Cincinnati University’s Archeology Department recently uncovered what is believed to be the lost tomb of Vaporwave musician Annal0g夢の風景 in the basement of a suburban Mariemont home, and, as a result, potentially unleashed a curse upon the entire city.

“We believe the incredibly loud electronic sound we heard was caused by cracking the tomb’s seal and the rush of the air pressure stabilizing,” said Dr. Raymond Wethersby, head of the archeology department. “That’s what created the noise that eerily resembled the Windows 95 boot sound; there’s certainly no mummy’s curse. We mustn’t let fear-mongering distract from the true cultural impact of this discovery. Never before have we seen such a cultural mishmash of artifacts like this: marble statues dated to the Greek era alongside what we can only describe as ‘90s Taco Bell fixtures. It’s as if they were clinging to some semblance of a forgone era they themselves never even bore witness to, obsessed with the past. Sad, yet fascinating.”

A local anthropology student who wished to remain anonymous for their safety thinks that Dr. Wethersby’s no-nonsense scientific approach ignores the possibility of supernatural influence.

“As soon as we entered the sacred site, I could tell there was an ominous aura to the place,” said the student. “We happened upon the musician’s remains, buried alongside their ancestral instrument–a Macbook Pro with FL Studio. We actually came across a floppy disc containing a single file labeled ‘ミイラc u r s e d.wav.’ We played it and it really freaked me out. But to be totally honest, I’m not one hundred percent sure what we heard on that file was a curse. The whole thing was also overlaid with segments of George Michael’s ‘Careless Whisper’ slowed by like 50 bpm. It was a chill vibe for sure, though.”

Self-proclaimed Egyptologist Mark Dabrowski gave his expert insight into reported odd occurrences, such as illness amongst residents, that corresponded with the unearthing.

“Look, as a longtime expert on Egyptian culture and a lifelong Cleveland Browns fan, I know a curse when I see one,” said Dabrowski. “I’ve deciphered the ancient Japanese hieroglyphs that adorned the tomb. Yes, it was complete nonsense, as if the writer had no real knowledge of the language and used Google Translate to create a broken, grammatical mess just for the aesthetics. Nevertheless, this sounds like the work of an angry soul trapped in a 3D-rendered prison, seeking validation as a serious artist, not just a passing meme. No one is safe. We will all be haunted by the quiet whispers of the AOL ‘You’ve Got Mail!’ over some sampled song from ‘Ecco the Dolphin.’”

At press time, an investigation into the illness befalling the city was confirmed by the EPA to simply be the result of regular pollution levels of the Ohio River.

Ageism? Nobody at This Party Cares That I Saw Bane in a Basement in ‘98

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

I’m not a gatekeeper. Hardcore is for everybody. But I just casually dropped that I saw Bane in a basement in Allston back in ’98, and nobody said a damn thing.

What? Because I’m 42 I’m not “scene” enough? The fuck? Do these kids not get it? Bane. BANE. And not on some weak-ass reunion tour bullshit. This was before “It All Comes Down to This.” And it was early ’98, so it was just 7 inches at this point. No EP. Was Turnstile even born yet?

Respect your hardcore elders, ya fucks. I don’t care whose party this is, or how many times I’m told “This isn’t a party, this is an open-casket wake and we are calling the cops.” I’m gonna make sure that everyone knows the significance of me cornering Aaron Dalbec in a musty basement while I tell him about the band I want to start. Just because I’m 47, doesn’t mean I’m not down.

Are you ready for this? My buddy Tommy from Brockton, god rest his soul, was also there, and he was talking about how he wanted to do something important with his life, and I said, “Tommy, you should GIVE BLOOD.” Bedard was definitely within earshot, and then 3 years later they released which album? You’re welcome. I’m not looking for credit, but somebody should recognize me for what I did.

Meanwhile, everyone at this party keeps telling me I’m being “disruptive” and “nobody knows who you are. why are you here?” And “please leave this Stop & Shop immediately.” Can you believe this shit? You know there was an age when guys like me were looked upon with respect. You could say “Yeah I saw Bane back in the day” and people would respond “That’s awesome” and “Tell me more stories about how you saw bands that are now very popular, long before they became so popular.” But now that I’m 51, everybody’s looking at their phones and telling me “You can’t show up to an elementary school production of the ‘Pirates of Penzance’ if you don’t have a kid here.”

Speaking of which, kids these days are so fucking soft. In my day hardcore was all about welcoming anybody who cared about the music, regardless of where they came from or what they believed. But now it’s all about being “inclusive”, whatever the fuck that woke shit means.

What was I talking about? Right, seeing the Cro-Mags at CBGB’s in ’85. Hell of show.

Child Laborer at Fast Fashion Warehouse Can’t Keep Up with Metallica Partnerships

Posted on by Zac Lux

BANGLADESH — Representatives overseeing child employees of the most successful garment factory in the country reported the illegal laborers can’t keep up with the production of Metallica branded clothing.

“It’s just too much,” said 8-year-old Aijaz Biswas, one of the more senior members of the Child Laborer Division at H&M’s garment factory. “We have to cut and sew this stuff so fast that my hands feel like they are on fire. My shredded, bloody fingers aren’t the worst part of this job, they will heal. It’s the terrible art printed on all the shirts? It will stay with me for life. Talk about salt to the wound. My manager says if we can produce 75% more product this year then the band will send us a video message thanking us. But I don’t know who these guys are, and I wish they would stop touring so we can slow down a little.”

Members of Metallica don’t see a problem with utilizing child laborers to produce clothes emblazoned with their branding.

“I mean, come on,” said Kirk Hammett, lead singer and guitarist. “We’re giving these kids an opportunity. How sick is it that they get to work for the most kickass metal band ever to grace the earth? It’s great for their resumes, and think about it, by the time they reach a more appropriate age to work jobs on the business side of the music industry, they’ll already have decades of experience working for mother fucking Metallica, baby! Besides all that, there’s no way we can survive rocking all these stadiums without the financial catalyst of these crappy t-shirts sold at fast-fashion outlets to teenage girls. We would starve otherwise.”

According to high-level executives at various cheap fashion stores, the “Metallica Effect” is mutually beneficial in that it makes everyone but the child laborers boatloads of money.

“If Metallica didn’t exist, our company would have gone down the drain a long time ago,” said Daniel Ervér, President of multinational fast fashion clothing store H&M. “We aren’t the only ones who rely on Metallica to survive. Forever 21, Zara, Shein, I could go on and on. The relationship between fast fashion companies and Metallica is so symbiotic now, we need them to continuously crank out these sub-par albums, just as much as they need us to keep producing sub-par articles of clothing for them to sell at 100 times the cost of production in every mall in the West.”

At press time, Lars Ulrich was too busy drafting a lawsuit against someone who made NFTs slightly referencing their shirts to comment.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week That Beyoncé Forgot To Cover On ‘Cowboy Carter’

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

You read it right, we’re using a superstar album drop in the title of this one to shamelessly boost engagement. But admit it, you can only listen to that “Jolene” cover so many times in a row, though, so here are our humble suggestions for Ms. Yonce to consider for her next magnum opus.

St. Vincent “Flea (ft. Dave Grohl)”

Our close personal friend Annie Clark is at it again with another off-kilter fuzz-rock single, this time featuring our other close personal friend Dave Grohl. “Flea” pinballs between paranoid, mellow, and grungy effortlessly in only a way St. Vincent can pull off without falling into total chaos. We will be waiting outside her house for the full album with bated breath, and our tent is open to visitors for a small fee.

Snarls “Heavy Drinker”

Ohio’s own “Lover Girl” indie-rock sweethearts Snarls just recorded an album produced by Chris Walla, and “Heavy Drinker” is an extremely promising sneak peek of what’s to come. Dreamy, shimmering harmonies soar in this delightfully catchy ‘90s vibe-fest that would be right at home in an alternate universe where Alvvays did the soundtrack to “10 Things I Hate About You,” or a really good banned episode of “Daria.” Either way, we are tuned the fuck in.

Heading North “Toss/Turn”

Pittsburgh is known for odd shit like toilets in the basement with no walls around them and french fries on top of a wedge of iceberg lettuce masquerading as a salad. What they should be known for, however, is their impressive and varied local music scene, including pop-punk shitkickers Heading North. Their new single “Toss/Turn” contains gorgeous vocals over deeply hooky driving guitars reminiscent of Paramore’s best work. Play this one when staring out the car window while it rains, which, in Pittsburgh, is 99% of the year.

Castle Rat “Fresh Fur”

Have you ever looked at your collection of high fantasy softcore pornography and thought, “Man, I wish this Frank Frazetta painting turned into a band”? Then have we got the crew for you. Brooklyn’s self-proclaimed “medieval fantasy doom metal” group Castle Rat took the aesthetics and lore of the nerdiest ‘80s subcultures and infused them with some sort of Fu Manchu meets Ruby the Hatchet sexy magic. “Fresh Fur” is your soundtrack for the next time you need to climb a mountain made of skulls.

SeeYouSpaceCowboy…, Courtney LaPlante “To The Dance Floor For Shelter”

The internet keeps calling SeeYouSpaceCowboy… “sasscore” for some reason, and while we are way too fucking old to know what that means, we are definitely on board with whatever it is they’re doing these days. The first single off their forthcoming full-length “Coup de Grâce” featuring Courtney LaPlante is an intoxicating mix of mid-aughts emo theatricality, haunted house instrumentals, and brutally gritty screams. This should not work, and yet, we’re on listen number 15 in the last few hours.

Stand Still “Mysticism”

Long Island’s pop punk/emo outlet Stand Still has somehow managed to craft a stellar single that could frankly be a forgotten “Tell All Your Friends” B-side, complete with introspective lyrics, energetic drumming, and stellar syncopated riffs. We can almost see our old desktop computer’s Windows Media Player visualizer when we listen to “Mysticism,” and will gladly accept this type of auditory time travel in the future.

What? Six songs aren’t enough? Of course not, you greedy bastard. We figured you might be the ungrateful type, so we’ve put these and a whole bunch of other songs in a convenient and constantly updated playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

Cost of Living Too High? Here’s How I Bought a Gorilla Suit and Started Squatting at the Zoo

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Have you ever gone on Zillow to fantasize about your dream house? And then searched a cheaper area after you realized your dream house is too expensive? Oh look, there’s one you could maybe afford someday if you want to live in that Ohio town where the train derailed and poisoned the water. How about this one? Wait no, that’s an empty plot of land on a nuclear testing field. Maybe that one? Nope, that’s just a pop-up ad for the San Diego Zoo.

And you wonder, what are your options really? You work a stable full-time job and it’s still not enough to afford rent, let alone a house someday. And the primates in that ad looked really peaceful roaming on that spacious grassland.

Here are the steps I took to secure myself alternative housing while impersonating a zoo gorilla:

Step 1: Give Up

Accept that there really is no other option. You’ve tried looking up DIY tiny house tutorial videos. As a last resort, you’ve stared at the abandoned ice cream truck across the street and wondered if it could fit a mattress inside and how badly you’dd be injured trying to get the raccoons out of there. But let’s be real: you have no idea how to build anything, you don’t own a mattress, and those raccoons would use their tiny fists to beat you to a pulp. It’s clear what must be done.

Step 2: Buy a Gorilla Suit

A high-quality suit is a good investment here, but I imagine that isn’t an option for many of you. I was only able to afford a Party City gorilla suit. I’m hoping that I can make up for what the suit lacks with a very passionate acting performance. If that doesn’t cut it and I get caught, I’ll just say that the whole thing was a performance art piece to protest capitalism.

Step 3: Break Into a Zoo

The downside of residing near a major city is the absurdly high cost of living. But the plus side is that there are usually a few zoos in the area to choose from. Make sure you pick one that has a gorilla exhibit. It seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people screw this part up.

There are a few disadvantages to my new lifestyle: Harambe (no relation) won’t let me on the climbing apparatus during enrichment time. I accidentally used my AirPods, and a zookeeper saw. But instead of discovering that I’m a human, he assumed that gorillas are just evolving at a quicker rate. I think scientists are coming to study me, and I overheard that Jane Goodall might even be visiting on Thursday. And the worst part of all is that I still can’t figure out how to get that damn banana out of the puzzle feeder.

But it’s still a lot less stressful than my previous living arrangement.

Just do it. Go apeshit. Be free.

Nation Once Again Agrees That Easter Candy Made of Exact Same Ingredients as Regular Candy Tastes Better Due to Shape

Posted on by Peter Woods

BETHLEHEM, Pa. — Consumers across the nation broadly agreed that easter candy tastes better than regular candy despite being made of the same ingredients, sources experiencing a sugar coma confirmed.

“People are always surprised by this,’” said Juliette Chung of the National Institute for Dietary Trend Research. “But take Heath Bars as an example. Eating one is technically the closest experience we have to biting down on a mummy’s thumb that also has rocks in it. But if you imagine eating one in the shape of a rabbit, it actually sounds kind of appetizing. A Reese’s egg will hit much harder than a simple peasant Reese’s cup.”

While many journalists and national pundits have claimed that Easter candy is made of different ingredients, food scientists have disproved this theory.

“We’ve run every possible test on these candies we could think of,” said organic chemist Shauna Frye. “We’ve done every kind of spectral and chemical analysis available to the scientific community. There’s absolutely no difference. But when we tried a piece of Hershey’s special dark chocolate in the shape of an egg, our taste buds damn near gave us an orgasm. Basically, all we did was prove that our 26 billion dollar lab is useless and that we might as well burn the place down and start over.”

With this improvement in flavor scientifically proven, many have called on candy companies to produce Easter shaped candy all year. However, corporations have been reluctant.

“There’s a pretty serious danger in doing Easter shapes year-round,” said Lean Collins of Mars, Inc. “Environmental agencies have repeatedly told us that if our candy tasted that damn good all the time, our sales would skyrocket to the point of over-production and we could potentially deplete the world of all of its food resources within 15 months. So making our candy in shitty-tasting shapes is actually how we give back to the planet.”

In a joint statement, representatives have confirmed that Just Born Candy Company will only make peeps in the shape of chicks, and Cadbury will continue to make cream eggs to trick people into thinking they are eating something other than styrofoam and frosting jizz, respectively.

​​Aw Crap: I Thought I Said Something Normal but My Therapist Responded “Let’s Unpack That”

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

I’ve been seeing my therapist, Terry, for a few months now, and overall it’s fine. I go to his office and get to complain about my job. It’s a great way to blow off steam, and not saddle my girlfriend with all my work drama. But recently he’s been asking about my parents. All I said was “Every family screams at each other.” But Terry sat there for a second, cocked his head, and said “hmmm… let’s unpack that.” And now it’s a whole thing.

Look, I’m a modern man. I understand I don’t have it all figured out. But if I’m being honest therapy sometimes just feels like a whine-fest. I had a great childhood. But as soon as I say something like “if I smell alcohol on a man’s breath, I immediately think of my dad” Terry just responds with some overthinky, pschobabble like “It sounds like you never felt safe as a kid.” Which is pretty ridiculous. Because NOBODY feels safe as a kid, right? That’s part of being a kid. You know at any point you’ll do something wrong, and it’ll set your parents off. That’s just part of growing up.

My parents didn’t hit me, and that means they were good parents. That’s the metric everyone uses. But Terry will say something like, “A lack of physical violence doesn’t mean a surplus of love” because he clearly doesn’t understand my parents. They grew up at a different time. Things were hard for them. So encouraging their children in their pursuits isn’t something they had time for. All I ever needed from my parents was an occasional “good job,” a pat on the back, or an extra scoop of ice cream. And sure, I never got those things, but how else was I gonna learn that I was neither special nor important?

I appreciate that Terry is trying to help me, but he acts like my parents were abusive when I say something like “My dad has never said he loves me” or “My mom has clearly tried to sabotage every romantic relationship I’ve ever had.” I mean, he refers to my folks as “emotionally withholding”, and it’s like, did Terry just not have parents? Because that’s what parents do: they withhold emotions so that you do whatever they say in the hopes that they will express even the smallest bit of love or approval, so… oh fuck. Yeah, never mind, Terry’s right.

Punk Celebrates Easter by Painting Eggs Before Throwing Them at Police Station

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

AUSTIN — Local punk Kyle Burnett’s annual Easter egg painting tradition took an interesting turn after he drove to a nearby police station to throw them at the building, sources with egg on their faces confirmed.

“Painting eggs is just therapeutic for me,” Burnett said before tossing one into a law enforcement vehicle’s windshield. “I spend all of Good Friday listening to my favorite Christian bands to get into the spirit, which is nice because I get to revisit Underoath’s early work. Then I invite my friends over to draw band logos and other cool shit on the eggs before getting in the car on Easter morning to chuck ‘em at pigs. Feels good to get out there and celebrate since I had to give up vandalism for lent.”

Officer Mike Richards was not amused by Burnett’s actions and plans to press charges for attempted murder.

“Oh, he paints all the eggs?” Richards said while removing eggshell fragments from his uniform. “I wouldn’t know that since I only see them after they hit me in the goddamn crotch. Don’t laugh at me. Some of those things were hard-boiled. If I hadn’t worn my bulletproof vest, that kid could’ve killed me. Some of the other officers think I’m overreacting because we found a few shells with skulls painted on them, but they weren’t even Punisher skulls. Those would have been much more respectful.”

Youth pastor and self-described Jesus expert Clay Driscoll offered a surprisingly more positive interpretation of the incident.

“Say what you will about the vandalism, but Kyle painting colorful eggs for our boys in blue is totally in line with what Jesus says about loving your enemies,” Driscoll said after leading youth group. “He’s tossing Easter joy straight through their windows even though they have to work during the holiday. That kind of gesture is sure to get him into Heaven when the time comes. Hopefully not soon, but worst case scenario, he’s logged enough community service hours to get past the pearly gates.”

At press time, the cops began their annual Easter egg hunt by cleaning up broken eggshells around the station.