BETHLEHEM, Pa. — Consumers across the nation broadly agreed that easter candy tastes better than regular candy despite being made of the same ingredients, sources experiencing a sugar coma confirmed.
“People are always surprised by this,’” said Juliette Chung of the National Institute for Dietary Trend Research. “But take Heath Bars as an example. Eating one is technically the closest experience we have to biting down on a mummy’s thumb that also has rocks in it. But if you imagine eating one in the shape of a rabbit, it actually sounds kind of appetizing. A Reese’s egg will hit much harder than a simple peasant Reese’s cup.”
While many journalists and national pundits have claimed that Easter candy is made of different ingredients, food scientists have disproved this theory.
“We’ve run every possible test on these candies we could think of,” said organic chemist Shauna Frye. “We’ve done every kind of spectral and chemical analysis available to the scientific community. There’s absolutely no difference. But when we tried a piece of Hershey’s special dark chocolate in the shape of an egg, our taste buds damn near gave us an orgasm. Basically, all we did was prove that our 26 billion dollar lab is useless and that we might as well burn the place down and start over.”
With this improvement in flavor scientifically proven, many have called on candy companies to produce Easter shaped candy all year. However, corporations have been reluctant.
“There’s a pretty serious danger in doing Easter shapes year-round,” said Lean Collins of Mars, Inc. “Environmental agencies have repeatedly told us that if our candy tasted that damn good all the time, our sales would skyrocket to the point of over-production and we could potentially deplete the world of all of its food resources within 15 months. So making our candy in shitty-tasting shapes is actually how we give back to the planet.”
In a joint statement, representatives have confirmed that Just Born Candy Company will only make peeps in the shape of chicks, and Cadbury will continue to make cream eggs to trick people into thinking they are eating something other than styrofoam and frosting jizz, respectively.