CINCINNATI – An expedition led by Cincinnati University’s Archeology Department recently uncovered what is believed to be the lost tomb of Vaporwave musician Annal0g夢の風景 in the basement of a suburban Mariemont home, and, as a result, potentially unleashed a curse upon the entire city.
“We believe the incredibly loud electronic sound we heard was caused by cracking the tomb’s seal and the rush of the air pressure stabilizing,” said Dr. Raymond Wethersby, head of the archeology department. “That’s what created the noise that eerily resembled the Windows 95 boot sound; there’s certainly no mummy’s curse. We mustn’t let fear-mongering distract from the true cultural impact of this discovery. Never before have we seen such a cultural mishmash of artifacts like this: marble statues dated to the Greek era alongside what we can only describe as ‘90s Taco Bell fixtures. It’s as if they were clinging to some semblance of a forgone era they themselves never even bore witness to, obsessed with the past. Sad, yet fascinating.”
A local anthropology student who wished to remain anonymous for their safety thinks that Dr. Wethersby’s no-nonsense scientific approach ignores the possibility of supernatural influence.
“As soon as we entered the sacred site, I could tell there was an ominous aura to the place,” said the student. “We happened upon the musician’s remains, buried alongside their ancestral instrument–a Macbook Pro with FL Studio. We actually came across a floppy disc containing a single file labeled ‘ミイラc u r s e d.wav.’ We played it and it really freaked me out. But to be totally honest, I’m not one hundred percent sure what we heard on that file was a curse. The whole thing was also overlaid with segments of George Michael’s ‘Careless Whisper’ slowed by like 50 bpm. It was a chill vibe for sure, though.”
Self-proclaimed Egyptologist Mark Dabrowski gave his expert insight into reported odd occurrences, such as illness amongst residents, that corresponded with the unearthing.
“Look, as a longtime expert on Egyptian culture and a lifelong Cleveland Browns fan, I know a curse when I see one,” said Dabrowski. “I’ve deciphered the ancient Japanese hieroglyphs that adorned the tomb. Yes, it was complete nonsense, as if the writer had no real knowledge of the language and used Google Translate to create a broken, grammatical mess just for the aesthetics. Nevertheless, this sounds like the work of an angry soul trapped in a 3D-rendered prison, seeking validation as a serious artist, not just a passing meme. No one is safe. We will all be haunted by the quiet whispers of the AOL ‘You’ve Got Mail!’ over some sampled song from ‘Ecco the Dolphin.’”
At press time, an investigation into the illness befalling the city was confirmed by the EPA to simply be the result of regular pollution levels of the Ohio River.