Have you ever gone on Zillow to fantasize about your dream house? And then searched a cheaper area after you realized your dream house is too expensive? Oh look, there’s one you could maybe afford someday if you want to live in that Ohio town where the train derailed and poisoned the water. How about this one? Wait no, that’s an empty plot of land on a nuclear testing field. Maybe that one? Nope, that’s just a pop-up ad for the San Diego Zoo.
And you wonder, what are your options really? You work a stable full-time job and it’s still not enough to afford rent, let alone a house someday. And the primates in that ad looked really peaceful roaming on that spacious grassland.
Here are the steps I took to secure myself alternative housing while impersonating a zoo gorilla:
Step 1: Give Up
Accept that there really is no other option. You’ve tried looking up DIY tiny house tutorial videos. As a last resort, you’ve stared at the abandoned ice cream truck across the street and wondered if it could fit a mattress inside and how badly you’dd be injured trying to get the raccoons out of there. But let’s be real: you have no idea how to build anything, you don’t own a mattress, and those raccoons would use their tiny fists to beat you to a pulp. It’s clear what must be done.
Step 2: Buy a Gorilla Suit
A high-quality suit is a good investment here, but I imagine that isn’t an option for many of you. I was only able to afford a Party City gorilla suit. I’m hoping that I can make up for what the suit lacks with a very passionate acting performance. If that doesn’t cut it and I get caught, I’ll just say that the whole thing was a performance art piece to protest capitalism.
Step 3: Break Into a Zoo
The downside of residing near a major city is the absurdly high cost of living. But the plus side is that there are usually a few zoos in the area to choose from. Make sure you pick one that has a gorilla exhibit. It seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people screw this part up.
There are a few disadvantages to my new lifestyle: Harambe (no relation) won’t let me on the climbing apparatus during enrichment time. I accidentally used my AirPods, and a zookeeper saw. But instead of discovering that I’m a human, he assumed that gorillas are just evolving at a quicker rate. I think scientists are coming to study me, and I overheard that Jane Goodall might even be visiting on Thursday. And the worst part of all is that I still can’t figure out how to get that damn banana out of the puzzle feeder.
But it’s still a lot less stressful than my previous living arrangement.
Just do it. Go apeshit. Be free.