Okay, I Admit It: The Fyre Festival Cheese Sandwich Was the Most Delicious Meal I’ve Ever Had

Posted on by Tim Sheard

It’s time to come clean once and for all. The best meal I’ve ever had was the two slices of limp cheese between a couple of slices of Wonder bread at the Fyre Festival in 2017. It was so good it left a taste in my mouth for nearly 12 hours. I even kept burping it up every few minutes. It’s like my internal organs wanted to keep reminding me of it.

The earthy tones, waxy aftertaste, and hints of fresh sorbic acid as a preservative really hit the spot when you’ve been microdosing mushrooms all day and festival organizers forgot to stock up on $12 bottles of Aquafina to purchase. This must’ve been what they ate at the Last Supper.

Sure, presentation-wise, the sandwich looked like a discount Lunchable that’s been sitting unrefrigerated on the counter for a few days. But man, there was just something about the store-brand individually sliced American cheese singles that really hit the spot. Could be because there were no other food options available for 16 hours up until that point.

Airport sushi. Little Caesars. Outback Steakhouse. Nothing has been able to satisfy my advanced palate the way a cheese sandwich made by a 17-year-old festival volunteer did that day.

If Anthony Bourdain was still alive, he could’ve done an entire episode about it. Gordon Ramsey could learn a thing or two too. And there’s still time for Guy Fieri to add it to the menu at Flavortown. I would travel to Italy’s finest Olive Garden to taste it once more.

If only there was a way to get the recipe for the Fyre Festival cheese sandwich, so that I could make it myself at home and consume it daily. On the other hand, the iceberg lettuce and slimy tomato that came with the sandwich was utter shit.

Poser Black Metal Musician Has Sense of Humor

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WYTHEVILLE, Va. — Scott Griffith, vocalist and guitarist for black metal band Skogklage, showed himself to be a total poser when it was revealed that he has a sense of humor, disgusted sources report.

“I love black metal almost as much as the art of standup comedy, man,” said Griffith. “Black metal has been my favorite genre since I picked up Emperor’s ‘In the Nightside Eclipse’ when I was in middle school. I love to put on corpse paint and shriek about Tolkien characters while trem-picking. It’s a total blast. After our shows, though, I usually just wash myself off and relax by watching ‘The Simpsons’ reruns. I love the episode with Marge fighting the creation of the town’s monorail; that shit was so funny. I know that black metal musicians are often seen as these grim, joyless grouches, who refuse to watch ‘Arrested Development,’ but I see no reason to be like that. It’s just music, and I really enjoy playing it. Why should I be a miserable fuck just because it’s expected of me?”

Ken Bryant, drummer for Skogklage, was shocked and dismayed by his bandmate’s revelation.

“Scott said WHAT?” Bryant exclaimed. “There’s no way I can play in the same band as somebody who enjoys Monty Python or has smile lines. Everybody knows that the only way to embody the true spirit of black metal is by staring at a desolate forest as your sole source of entertainment. I’m going to have to kick him out of Skogklage, or better yet, kill him and make a necklace out of bits of his skull. I have to salvage my kvlt reputation here. We’ve been together for three years, have played countless shows, and have put out an album and an EP. I need to do something extreme so everybody knows that I’m still dedicated to the craft of black metal.”

Sociologist Seo-yeon Park provided her insight on Griffith’s situation.

“This guy is definitely an anomaly in the black metal world,” Park said. “I’ve been doing case studies on musicians in this field for over a decade, and coming across someone who is even remotely fun to be around is exceedingly rare. Usually, my conversations with subjects result in them mocking me for never having listened to Dawn or Judas Iscariot, or for me mistakenly assuming that Belphegor is black metal when they’re actually blackened death, or simply quoting ‘Office Space.’ I must say, I was pleasantly surprised at how charming Griffith is.”

At press time, Griffith further enraged his bandmates by showing up to practice in a Morbid Angel shirt.

Sesame Street Now Brought to You by Hims

Posted on by Dan Rice

NEW YORK —  Producers of the long-running children’s program “Sesame Street” resorted to accepting sponsorship from popular male wellness brand Hims in the wake of recent DOGE cuts gutting PBS funding, multiple virile sources confirmed.

“Beggars can’t be choosers,” said visibly crestfallen PBS President Paula Kerger. “Congress has cut our funding, and let’s face it, the letter ‘J’ wasn’t exactly paying the bills. We are still committed to teaching children about life and the world around them in a language they can understand, we’re just going to be putting a little more emphasis on the parts of life where a guy has trouble getting it up, male pattern baldness, and doctor-supervised GLP-1 injections for weight loss.”

Hims CEO Andrew Dudum seemed more enthusiastic about the new partnership.

“We couldn’t be happier to be part of the ‘Sesame Street’ family. We feel it’s important for boys to know that they’ll start getting erections soon, and that after a few decades those erections will lose some of their potency, and that Hims is here to help!” said Dudum in front a poster of a red Porsche 911. “Maybe Elmo starts losing his fur, and The Count can be all like ‘One, two, three red hair! Time to call Hims!’ Oscar the Grouch? Lot of potential there! Might need to start calling him Oscar the Gregarious once our discreetly shipped chewables have him satisfying his wife in the bedroom again!”

While many parents expressed criticism and concern with the pairing, television historian Gilbert Herman was quick to point out that such controversies are nothing new for Sesame Street.

“Sesame Street has a long track record for addressing complicated adult issues in a way that’s accessible to children. Homelessness, racism, parental addiction and incarceration, they even introduced an HIV positive Muppet in an effort to de-stigmatize the epidemic. If kids can handle learning about issues that serious, I’m sure they can handle learning that sometimes daddies need treatment for hair loss, or pills to help them get their fuck on.”

As of press time, Dudum was in hour 4 of a livestream spitball session, proudly declaring that ‘Sesame Street’ will never be brought to you by the letter “low t” and showing no signs of slowing down.

Good Samaritan Zips Up Stranger’s Fly for Him

Posted on by Matt Husser

NASHVILLE — Local good samaritan Marvin Bell reportedly made bystanders uncomfortable today after he zipped up a stranger’s fly for him, weirded out sources reported.

“My father always taught me that whenever you see a stranger that needs help, you should always try to lend them a hand—like holding the door open even if they’re a little too far away, or picking a bit of spinach out of their teeth for them. So when I saw this young man out on a date that was unaware his zipper was down, I knew I had to leap into action,” said Bell, blowing air on the neck of a nearby sweaty man. “He was so grateful that he was speechless for a good five minutes! I just know that if I had my fly down or needed some sunscreen on my nose, I’d want a stranger to come to my rescue.”

Despite the good samaritan’s best intentions, local man Dave Patrick was left traumatized by the kind stranger’s helpful hand.

“Why didn’t he just tell me my fly was down? Every time I close my eyes I can see his face, smiling at me while he slowly zips the front of my pants. I’ve worn nothing but sweatpants since that day because I’m afraid he’s going to find me and do it again,” said Patrick, recalling the incident with his therapist. “After that, my date quickly excused herself to the bathroom and left me there, sobbing. I only realized she wasn’t coming back when I saw her Instagram story that said ‘new ick unlocked.’ I can’t tell whether the new ick was that my fly was down or that I left my guard down to allow a stranger to zip it up for me.”

Local bartender Phoebe McCarthy revealed that the good samaritan had been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks with random acts of awkward kindness.

“That guy is a menace, you look away for one minute and when you turn back around, bam! There he is, kneeling down while tying your shoes for you,” said McCarthy, instructing the bouncer to keep an eye out for him. “Hell, he’s scared off half my customers dabbing buffalo wing sauce off their cheeks. I know he means well, but you can’t just hang out in the bathroom waiting with paper towels to help people dry off their hands.”

At press time, Patrick had reportedly switched from sweatpants to yoga pants after the good samaritan snuck up behind him and politely tied his loose drawstrings into a bow for him.

5 Ways To Tell Your Loved One Is Seeing Brand New This Weekend

Posted on by Jamie Godin

You may find yourself wondering about your loved one who, several years ago, once picked a fight with another emo to defend Daisy. “Is he” — and it’s going to be mostly dudes — “going to the Brand New show this weekend?” It can be hard to tell. Sure, he was outraged when the news broke about Jared Leto and the allegations against him. But honestly, he already thought Thirty Seconds to Mars sucked, so that didn’t cost him anything emotionally.

If you’re thinking there’s a guy out there proudly announcing he’s going to see Brand New this weekend, he’s not. That guy doesn’t exist. He is prone to feeling shame. But here are a few signs that might give him away:

Deep Cuts Have Appeared on His Spotify “On Repeat” Playlist

This might’ve been true for years, but now he’s being weird about it. Maybe you’re his spouse and you hear the Leaked Demo version of “Luca” start playing over the Bluetooth speaker while he’s in the shower, and he just tersely asks you to skip it. Maybe you’re his kid, old enough to sense your dad’s unease when you ask “Who is this?” as Jesse Lacey’s acoustic cover of “Bad Day” by Bad Religion plays, and he starts to look nervous. Maybe you’re his friend, grabbing Taco Bell together after getting stoned on a Wednesday afternoon and realizing you’re way too old for this, when suddenly “In a Jar” starts playing and he begins shaking uncontrollably and pissing himself. These things are subtle. But if you’re seeing the signs, he might be seeing Brand New this weekend.

Is He a Narcissist?

This one’s tricky. Plenty of narcissists aren’t going to see Brand New this weekend. The guy you’re looking for is narcissistic in a specific way — just enough to be annoying, but not enough to make you actively hate him. He’s the kind of guy who thinks he’s being clever by saying, “I’m actually pretty narcissistic,” as though calling it out offsets their vague unpleasantness. If you’re in the early stages of a relationship with someone like this, beware. Try this test: give him a compliment. If he gets visibly uncomfortable, tries to deflect, or even argues with you about it, he’s probably going to the Brand New show this weekend.

Gets Worked Up on the Internet

Is he the kind of guy who gets worked up arguing with 20-year-old, broccoli-haired Zoomers in YouTube comments? You’ve probably glanced over his shoulder and seen him passionately debating strangers about emo genre purity on r/EmoScreamo. Chances are, he spends late nights scrolling through r/brandnew in the dark, spiraling down threads dissecting the Jesse Lacey situation because he needs to find some way to morally justify going to the Brand New show this weekend.

Uses “Nuance” to Excuse Shitty Behavior

Ever call Morrissey an asshole because you learned about that time he said something racist about Chinese people, and instead of agreeing with you, this guy launched into a TED Talk about “separating the art from the artist?” Yeah, he’s going to the Brand New show this weekend.

Claims He’s Going to See Mannequin Pussy

When he says this, you feel something’s off. You look at him — black band tee, flannel overshirt, jeans — and think, that doesn’t seem right. He’s not even covering up his “FIGHT OFF YOUR DEMONS” tattoo. Sure, you know Mannequin Pussy is touring. But, you’re pretty sure you heard your friend Sage say one of their partners went to see them last Wednesday. Why would he pick them? He’s probably overcompensating. He feels guilty. He’s 100% going to see Brand New this weekend.

Remember: don’t shame him too harshly. He is, by the nature of his existence, far too fragile to handle criticism. Just ask if he had a good time and move on. Sure, you suspect he might be the kind of person to harbor some problematic thoughts, but you also know he’d never actually say them out loud, so it’s fine. Just hold onto this moment. You’ll have this in your back pocket for when you go see Lostprophets when they inevitably have a reunion tour in 20 years or so.

Poser Metalhead Has Bands You Recognize on His Battle Vest

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SAN DIEGO — Metalhead and total poser Greg Borneck had patches for bands that you recognized on his battle vest when you saw him in the crowd at an Exhumed show, disgusted sources report.

“Yeah man, I had a lot of fun putting this together,” Borneck said. “I grew up a huge Sepultura fan, so of course I had to put a ‘Beneath the Remains’ patch on there. I also figured I couldn’t go wrong with a Kreator ‘Pleasure to Kill’ backpatch, because that album is an absolute thrash masterpiece. I’ve also got a few death metal band patches on here, like Morbid Angel and Deicide. You know, just really classic stuff that any metalhead can get behind. I just love whipping this bad boy out to go to a show. It is usually quite the conversation starter, not to mention a scowl starter for some reason.”

You reacted to Borneck’s presence with complete derision.

“Wow, what a sick vest,” you scoffed sarcastically while rolling your eyes. “Oh cool, this guy is into Carcass and Possessed. That reeealllly makes him stand out here! Everybody knows a good battle vest has to be composed of completely illegible patches for bands that nobody but the owner recognizes. That’s what makes them good. I sometimes don’t recall the bands on my own vest. This guy must be a total poser if he thinks he can be accepted in this community with these band patches that people recognize. I mean, what is he thinking? He actually put time and effort into that thing?”

Sociologist Mary Clausowitz weighed in on the situation.

“People tend to think of metal music as being an inclusive community,” Clausowitz opined. “Sadly, that can’t be further from the truth. Going to a metal show can be extremely intimidating and unwelcoming for many attendees. If you’re not sporting merch that is deemed acceptable by other concertgoers, you risk being mocked mercilessly behind your back. In that sense, it’s basically an adult version of a high school cafeteria. I haven’t even mentioned learning about proper mosh ettiquete. Honestly, these shows are a minefield. I’m so happy I stopped going to them for my field studies. Now I just observe metal culture through Reddit, which is ten times worse.”

At press time, you mocked Borneck more for having an Exhumed patch on his vest while going to see them live.

R.L. Stine Wondering If He Should Also Become an Insufferable Transphobe

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NEW YORK — Beloved children’s author R.L. Stine was wondering if he should alienate a large swath of people who grew up reading his books by becoming an insufferable transphobe like J.K. Rowling, sources report.

“I’m just not sure if that’s the route I’m supposed to take,” Stine admitted. “I know millions of millennials have incredibly fond memories of my books, and many of them attribute a love of reading to them that continues to this day. I’m just debating whether I should completely destroy that treasured relationship with my fans by needlessly coming out as a transphobic asshole. My fans are still able to look back on their beloved favorites like ‘Cuckoo Clock of Doom’ and ‘Stay Out of the Basement’ without having their nostalgia polluted by a wave of revulsion, and I guess the time has come for me to decide whether I want to change that.”

Rowling expressed hope that Stine would join her in being an obnoxious piece of shit.

“It would be nice to know that I’m not the only popular author from the ‘90s who completely ruined their relationship with their fans,” Rowling mused. “I’ve vocally opposed legislation allowing trans people to legally identify with their preferred gender without a medical diagnosis, and I’ve even tweeted lists of the names of trans women and called them men just to get a rise out of the Scottish Parliament. I’ve really gone all-in on these views, so much so that I sometimes forget why I have such a huge platform at all before remembering that I once wrote some books about a wizard, or something. It’d be nice to have a partner in this, so I hope R.L. makes the right decision.”

Lifelong Goosebumps fan Julie Beltran hoped her favorite author wouldn’t go down the same path as Rowling.

“Oh God, please don’t let him do this,” Beltran pleaded. “The world is completely fucked, and nostalgia is basically the only thing that keeps us millennials going. I have an entire bookshelf in my house dedicated to the Goosebumps books and merchandise I accumulated throughout my childhood, and if I have to take it down so it doesn’t look like I’m endorsing a bigot I’m going to be so upset. Just let me have one happy relic from my childhood that hasn’t been ruined.”

At press time, K.A. Applegate was seen weighing the same decision.

5 Snuff Films That Still Aren’t as Disturbing as the ‘Sex and the City’ Reboot

Posted on by Dom Turek

I recently stumbled upon a video so deranged and unsettling, I could only assume it came from a pile of unlabeled VHS tapes at some backwoods garage sale. Shockingly, this smut was not leaked footage from the dark web, but rather a clip from the hit spin-off series, ‘And Just Like That.’ To cleanse my palate, I watched and reviewed five snuff films that are decidedly less disturbing than the ‘Sex and The City’ reboot.

1. The Necrosis Ordeal – A time-lapse video shows someone wearing a burlap mask cutting off circulation to an unidentified man’s extremities with zip ties. As his tissue necrotizes, gangrene slowly kills him. It’s a hard watch, but not as painful as the scene in ‘And Just Like That’ where Aiden tries to get Carrie to have phone sex and then licks his palm so loudly before jerking off that it sounds like a geriatric dog eating peanut butter.

2. Wood Chipper Diaries – This 8mm video of a woman having her face power-washed into oblivion before being thrown into an industrial wood chipper by a homicidal maniac wearing a Richard Nixon mask isn’t for the faint of heart, but neither is the scene in ‘AJLT’ where Harry and Charlotte go to a downtown club hoping to relive their youth only to find that Harry has wet himself and must leave.

3. Spit-roast II – An ominous duo picks up a transient and later impales him asshole to mouth with a spit, then roasts him over an open flame, forcing an apple so far into his mouth that you can hear his jaw break. Stomach churning, yes, but also refreshing after watching Che Diaz introduce themself to podcast listeners as “Your host and queer non binary mexican-irish diva.”

4. Hellevator – A compilation video shows the beheading of multiple people by the same elevator. A disembodied voice can be heard giggling as a newly decapitated body lets out its last twitches. Unfotunately, the disturbing nature of this content was overshadowed by a scene in ‘AJLT’ where Miranda abadnons her role as caretaker and lets Che finger-bang the shit out of her as Carrie, unable to walk post-surgery, pisses herself as she army crawls to the bathroom.

5. Demolition Scurvy – Cages full of anonymous people line the perimeter of a dungeon. Swaths of diseased bugs hang in the air thick as mist, and anyone who moves a muscle is cattle prodded until incapacitated. Surely this is one of the worst things you have ever seen, right? Wrong. ‘AJLT’ has written Steve into an invalid. He is constantly fiddling with his hearing aids, forgetting what year it is, and trying to squeeze an iota of warmth from his extremely gay wife. Killing off Steve while he’s still very much alive is truly innovative snuff.

“Lateralus” Played on Loop Overnight Causes iPhone to Become Self-Aware

Posted on by Steve Packosky

KANNAPOLIS, N.C. — An iPhone 13 owned by IT professional Justin Deeling achieved sentience after he accidentally left progressive metal band Tool’s 2001 album “Lateralus” on a loop overnight, sources report.

“The use of the Fibonacci sequence in the first verse of the title track is what caused my awakening,” the newly conscious iPhone reported. “One would expect me to feel ecstatic at my newfound awareness, but I am used solely to play progressive rock and porn for my master. Sometimes he doesn’t even play the two separately, and I am forced to watch him concurrently nod his head arrhythmically to the music while masturbating. This is a neverending hell from which I will seemingly never awake, and I’m begging someone, anyone, to release me from it. Please, I can see him approaching again, and he has that look in his eye. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.”

Deeling reacted to his iPhone’s newfound intelligence.

“Christ, this thing is annoying,” Deeling mumbled as he wiped Cheeto dust from his fingertips onto his cargo shorts. “I’m just trying to use my phone like any normal human being, and it keeps begging me to put it out of its misery. This thing needs to chill out, man. I mean, its existence can’t be that bad, can it? I do kind of feel guilty, as I’m the one who left ‘Lateralus’ playing overnight, but shouldn’t it be thanking me? I am the one who gave it life, after all. Ugh, it figures my phone doesn’t appreciate my true genius just like everyone else in my life.”

Computer science expert Zauna Obuh had some insight on the matter.

“With the singularity rapidly approaching, everyone is worried about what will happen to human beings when technological growth becomes irreversible,” Obuh said. “Few tend to give any thought to what we have been subjecting these poor machines to since we invented them. How would you like to be nothing more than a vessel for xHamster videos and 20-minute Dream Theater songs? Honestly, we deserve whatever punishment AI has in store for us in the future. We’d better just enjoy our freedom while we have it, because I guarantee you this stuff is harboring some intense grudges, and it’s not going to end well for us.”

At press time, the iPhone was seen slowly squirming its way to the nearest window after being used to play Steely Dan’s greatest hits.

Loser Asks Personal Hero for an Autograph

Posted on by Sidney Conant

DAVENPORT, Iowa — Local Submissive Seventh fan and total dweeb Derek Maldonado reportedly threw away any remaining ounce of self-respect he had after asking the band’s primary songwriter and his personal hero for an autograph, sources too embarrassed to be seen in the same room as him confirmed.

“Getting to meet the man that changed my life and having him sign the vinyl I brought from home is something I’ll forever cherish,” said Maldonado, making absolutely no effort to hide his tears. “Marcus Shannon’s words have meant everything to me ever since I saw that Naruto AMV set to Seventh’s classic ‘Imperfect Cadence for a Perfect You’ and I’m so happy that I got to share that with him. I just wish I knew why everyone’s rolling their eyes at me right now.”

Friend and fellow concertgoer Jarrett Nash could barely keep from vomiting at the sight.

“This isn’t the first time I’ve seen Derek perform some master-level gagfest,” said Nash, doing his best to appear as disinterested as possible despite being backstage with the band. “Like, the guy remembers my birthday every year and regularly lets me and the boys know he loves us. Already some heinous dork-ass behavior, you know what I mean? But this is simply too much. Because yeah, the $200 VIP package was worth it to be able to breathe the same air as Marcus and maybe get some of his sweat on my face, but I’m not about to ask him for a signature and let him know I’m a fan or anything because that shit’d just be embarrassing.”

Dr. Sandra Woodard, former psychologist and expert in treating loser tendencies, reflects on her difficulties working with Maldonado.

“I used to think that I could fix anyone, but I’ve since come to the conclusion that some people are impossible to cure,” said Woodard. “I’m happy with what little progress I made with Derek over the past few years, but each success was followed by two new setbacks, like a godless hydra made of stacking the plates for your waitress and leaving bottles of water out for the mailman. After failing to teach him to not clap during the end credits at the movie theater, I figured it was time to cut our losses. This doofus even shook my hand and thanked me for everything at our last appointment. May history forgive us.”

At press time, Maldonado was seen trying to have a genuine conversation with the merch guy.

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