Born Again Crust Punk Baptized in Sewage

Posted on by Brett Olsen

SALT LAKE CITY — Local born again crust punk Richard “Skuz-Dixx” Vanderbilt was recently baptized in sewage after deciding to reenter the Church of Latter-day Stains, confirmed sources who had to leave the room because of the foul stench.

“Although I checked off my entire bucket list within three months of leaving the Church, I now realize there is no life without the one, true Crust,” Vanderbilt explained, as a gaggle of robed oogles mixed cigarette butts, excrement, and myriad, pungent garbage together in a 5XL bariatric diaper. “Everyone has that same look of judgement when they first gaze upon the Doomsday Diaper, but they’re missing the point. The Diaper is not about despair; rather, it is the destroyer of hierarchies. The Church ethically sources feces from this very sewer—the same shit we make daily—and by reintegration through immersion, we all then become shit, the same shit, and nothing but shit.”

Vanderbilt’s concerned mother is horrified by her son’s lack of critical thinking skills.

“I thanked God every day when my dear Richard left that cesspool, but now that he’s reintegrated, I have to accept there is no God,” said Judith Vanderbilt as her rosary beads fell apart and slipped through her fingers. “Those smelly, toothless animals don’t hate capitalism—they hate basic hygiene. My Dick should know better than to join any religion that forces you to be submerged in the town’s collective excrement. He’ll be reeking, head-to-toe, telling everyone to fuck themselves as if that were an effective approach for bumming cigarettes. I guess it could be worse. He could’ve joined the Church of Scientology.”

Bishop John “Rust-Belt” Seaver hoped to dispel negative misconceptions by expanding on the Church’s dogma.

“Mrs. Vanderbilt is a bitch,” the 42-year-old Seaver began. “Her idea of community is being happily married in a cookie-cutter, suburban slum where everyone knows your name and bakes pies for each other, but that’s not DIY—that’s industrialism. When you accept our tenets and allow the sewage to clump over you, you join our homogenized family. Whatever spark you once possessed will be extinguished. Your individuality will fade as the once putrid smells first become commonplace, and ultimately comforting. There’s no room for in-fighting when we’re all shit—you’re either crusty or you’re not.”

At press time, the congregation was preparing ceremonial whippets as Vanderbilt took his last, clean gasp of air.

5 Clever Ways I Got Excused From Jury Duty That Were All Just Getting Caught Doing Whippets in the Parking Lot

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Being American means we enjoy certain freedoms, such as the right to a fair trial. With these freedoms, however, come certain responsibilities, one of which is the civic duty to serve in a legal proceeding.

Sure, we’ve all been in countless situations where we’ve had to stand before a jury of our peers, but some of us have actually been called to serve on said juries. This can be a total drag, but here are five clever ways I got out of my patriotic obligation that were all just getting caught doing whippets in the parking lot.

February 9th, 2017: I had a plan to be excused by providing the attorneys a detailed list of all of my racial prejudices, but ended up not having to resort to that when the judge happened to walk past my Honda Civic before we were called into the building. Frankly, this was a relief, because my aforementioned plan entailed using a lot of language that I’m not really comfortable with.

April 22nd, 2019: OK, people can use a 15-minute recess to vape by the front door, but the moment I sneak off with a package of whipped cream chargers, I’m suddenly unfit to be a fact-finder in a property contract dispute case? Yes, I was happy to go home, and thankful I avoided a public intoxication charge, but that didn’t make me feel any less insulted.

November 3rd, 2019: I was well aware that I had accidentally driven into the side of the courthouse, so I really didn’t need that lady to get so close to the passenger’s side window to investigate. I’d like to see her successfully operate a car while fishing the fuck out with 8 grams of nitrous oxide swimming through her head. It’s not as easy as it looks. Anyway, kind of ironic that I was there to serve on a jury and ended up requiring one of my own.

March 15th, 2020: This one’s kind of a cheat. I didn’t get excused from jury duty, per se, because we adjourned right after I got there due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Still, the security guard did catch me doing whippets in the parking lot. Luckily, it was more of a “concerned questions” situation and less of a “taken into custody” situation. Phew!

August 1st, 2023: So, not only do whippets provide a great experience, they can also get you excused from having to serve on the jury for a murder trial in which the defendant is a mafia member who swears revenge on everyone responsible for his guilty verdict! People may warn about how drugs can end your life, but why doesn’t anybody ever talk about their lifesaving potential?

Tyler, the Creator Locked in Eternal Cosmic Struggle with Tyler, the Destroyer

Posted on by Shane Pauker

LOS ANGELES — Musician Tyler, the Creator’s struggle with rival cosmic entity Tyler, the Destroyer is projected to reign eternal, metaphysical sources report.

“There can only ever be one true me,” claimed Tyler, the Creator. “But when the mystical opposite of you steps out of your creativity, you have to ask who’s ripping off who, right? Am I like him, or is he like me, or am I just gay for myself? There’s an identical me out there, so I have to put out creations before he puts out destructions so my role in the plane of reality doesn’t look all hacky. If there can be only one of us, I have to battle him every album cycle or risk us, like, shredding the fabric of the universe into quesadilla cheese.”

Tyler’s acolytes have witnessed the battle since its inception.

“It’s pretty weird to see a version of Tyler with inverted colors who talks backwards and fights him,” said Odd Future’s Jasper Dolphin. “I mean, when he got Odd Future together, I only knew he was Tyler. Then suddenly there was a Creator and a Destroyer. I guess the Destroyer was always inside Tyler or his butt, but Tyler was trying to vanquish him or some shit so he wouldn’t look like a copycat. To me, trying to vanquish the Destroyer would be destructive anyway, so the battle is pointless. I kind of like Tyler, the Destroyer, anyway, though. He’s the one who convinced me to join ‘Jackass.’”

Tyler-focused theologians see his cosmology reflected in his art.

“In his latest project to balance the cosmos, you see Tyler trying to explore creation as a pure act,” argued Tyler expert and self-proclaimed music nerd Anthony Fantano. “I don’t know how much he actually carries out his monistic vision. Yeah, compared to his earlier endeavors like ‘Cherry Bomb,’ you have a more controlled sense of creation, but there’s still this overarching sense of destruction. Every track you create destroys something, and every track you destroy creates a clearing for growth. You get this split of ‘create’ and ‘destroy’ that to me ends up more perceptual than real, so Tyler splitting himself in two loses that lush, self-evident aesthetic you got in ‘Flower Boy.’”

At press time, Fantano rated the Tylers’ struggle a “light to moderate seven,” citing a preference for the MC Ride’s spiritual struggle to grip death.

Punk Flight Attendant Gives Mic to Front Row Passengers During Pre-Flight Announcements

Posted on by Scott Murray

DENVER — Local flight attendant and longtime punk Jules Green held out the mic to a front row passenger during pre-flight announcements for United Airlines flight 362 out of Denver International Airport, confirmed sources.

“At first I didn’t think they were feeling it, but I dug deep, wrapped the cord around my fist, and won the room over eventually with crowd participation. You know, like handing the mic over to them and asking for any requests for pre-flight instructions,” said Green, dodging a stink eye from the captain. “Afterwards, they all cheered and a bunch of folks stopped me to say they enjoyed my set! I told them I’d be in the back the rest of the flight smoking cigarettes if they wanted to chat or grab a CD later. This must be what GG Allin felt like when he took a dump on stage.”

The sound of crunched up vocals over a 10-cent speaker really sparked enthusiasm from the crowd.

“I was settling into my seat as the safety briefing began. I guess I was muttering along to the spiel, because suddenly, a flight attendant shoved the PA handset right in my face. At that moment, something took over me,” said passenger Sherry Mason. “I’ve flown a lot, so I definitely knew the words. Before I knew it I was standing at the bulkhead yelling ‘Thank you for choosing United Airlines and enjoy your flight!’ It was a rush.”

Seasoned U.S. Air Marshal Warren Burleson was blown away by the performance.

“As an Air Marshal you’re trained to stay vigilant, but day after day you get sick of uninspired renditions of the standards. It was great to see the next generation do that tune justice for once,” Burleson admitted. “I really didn’t want to blow my cover, but when I saw the flight attendant trying to crowd surf over the seatbacks I shot up out of my seat to help catch her. It’s nice to see real air travel fans enjoying themselves, but it’s still important to be safe.”

At press time, Green was seen starting a mosh pit near row 26 during routine turbulence.

How To Love Your Man Even Though He’ll Never Be the Snare Sound From Snapcase’s “Caboose”

Posted on by John Danek

Relationships are emotional journeys with peaks and valleys. And one of the toughest valleys you may endure is the realization that your man can never be as exciting, passionate, urgent, nor commanding as the unique metallic snare sound on Snapcase’s legendary track “Caboose.”

Many people hit this stumbling block a year or two into a relationship. They look at that sack of shit on the couch next to them and yearn to be sucked off by the thick, cracking drum tone that makes one’s heart race. But to be fair, it’s a lofty expectation that no man can reach. You need to dig deep within yourself and find ways to love that sack of shit regardless. So here are some tips.

Set the text tone for your loser human to one of the really clean snare hits on “Caboose”. The opening hit has no other instruments playing over it, so go with that one. You may start to build a positive association between that sound and your piece of shit lover. But beware that this could backfire. If you really hate your lover, you could create a negative association with drummer Timothy Redmond’s signature sound — a fate worse than death.

While having sex, imagine you are getting plowed by that glorious burst of wood and drumhead energy instead of a human male. This is personal and subjective, so we’ll leave the imagery to you. Just don’t open your eyes, or you’ll remember that you’re actually fucking a deeply average guy with no hopes of career progression. The snare from “Caboose” is now CEO of Eating Ass, Inc.

Try to make your man more like the snare tone. Take him camping and make him chop wood with a metal axe on an anvil. Anytime he misses, gaze at him longingly and ask “What was that, babe?” Or have him roleplay with a metal suit of armor, and push him down the stairs. That clanging may just be enough to light the spark in your loins.

When all else fails, just leave your man for the sound of the snare drum in Snapcase’s “Caboose.” Stop lying to yourself. You’ll never be really happy until you get what you want. We know a spiritual healer who will perform the ceremony, which is not legally binding but expensive enough to feel like you’re really investing in the relationship. May your children have girth, top-end bite, and solid maple crack.

Black Metal Vocalist Moonlighting as Face Painter “Ruins” Elementary School’s Play Day

Posted on by Alfred Barnes

BALTIMORE — Black metal vocalist Ben “Plaguebearer” Rockwood wreaked havoc during Wincrest Elementary’s recent Play Day following questionable face paintings he gave to the children, confirmed angered parents.

“It’s ridiculous—when your child sits down and asks to get their face painted, you expect them to walk away with one of the classics—a Spiderman mask, butterfly wings, a snake—not some ghostly devil mask,” said concerned parent Susan Winters. “My daughter hasn’t been the same since. She’s been drawing pentagrams in her agenda book and dyed her favorite doll’s hair black! To make matters worse, we can’t even take her to church to repent because she keeps sneaking matches in with her.”

Rockwood, known primarily for being the frontman of local black metal outfit Plague Rat, contends that face painting is about more than familiar imagery and fun.

“For too long the art of face painting has been marred by a sick cacophony of capitalistic influence and vibrant colors not seen in nature,” Rockwood lamented. “I’m an artist and corpse paint is the truth. When a kid sits in my chair, I bring their inner turmoil to the surface with shades of black and white—even if they say they just want to look like a Ninja Turtle or whatever. You can’t truly live until you look dead and, whether they know it or not, they’re walking away looking like themselves for the first time ever.”

Wincrest vice principal Vivian Brock has since made it clear that this is an isolated incident and not indicative of any changes in the school’s educational ideology.

“Parents have absolutely nothing to worry about,” Brock insisted. “This individual’s actions do not represent who we are at Wincrest. Our school will continue to adhere to the longstanding tradition of sneaking Christian messages into education and avoiding anything that challenges the status quo. We have even revamped our vetting process for entertainers to ensure wholesome fun for upcoming events. Students can expect nothing but unicorns and spiderwebs from all upcoming face painters!”

At press time, Rockwood was banned from face painting at future school events, but has recently been seen working birthday parties and quinceañeras in the community.

Five Songs We’re Listening To This Week From Our Apocalypse Bunker

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Greetings, fellow survivor. We’ve decided to cut our losses and seal ourselves underground with some canned meats and all of our vinyl records to outlast the impending nuclear holocaust and, if we’re lucky, outlive the current regime. Here are some new things to listen to while you consider joining us and avoiding the radioactive wasps.

Faetooth “Iron Gate”

Faetooth refer to themselves as “fairy doom” metal and after listening to the opener off their new album, we are inclined to agree. “Iron Gate” feels like drowning in a well in a cursed Eastern European village. This shit is mystical, heavy, mesmerizing, and probably could summon several ancient deities if one of you is willing to test that out for us.

84 Tigers feat Rocky Votolato “Two Rivers”

One of our writers whose parents own the vault we’re squatting in said this track feels like a spiritual sequel to Small Brown Bike’s “A Table of Four.” He’s not wrong, especially considering Mike and Ben Reed are responsible for 84 Tigers as a whole. This is a sad one, folks, but hey, sometimes you need to lean into the unbearable pain of being alive or whatever.

Poppy, Amy Lee, and Courtney LaPlante “End of You”

Behold, a rare single drop that both your teenage cousin and 39-year-old coworker are equally jazzed about. “End of You” showcases the premiere supergroup of 2025 with contributions from Spiritbox’s Courtney LaPlante, Evanessence’s Amy Lee, and, of course, everyone’s favorite psyop Poppy. It’s some good old-fashioned dramatic goth metal, what more could you want?

Softcult “16/25”

Every day we wait for Softcult’s debut full length and rabidly claw at their proverbial door, and the more time passes, the closer we get to making that literal. “16/25” is yet another entry into their growing discography of somehow energetic but deliciously shoegazey bangers. And while the “she” referenced in this track might not know how to love them, we certainly do.

Maura Weaver “The Face”

Indie-pop-punk songstress Maura Weaver is doing what more artists need to be doing, which is cranking out jangly little riffs that make us do the Charlie Brown dancing. “The Face” is energetic, catchy as all hell, and, most importantly, easy to pop on repeat while you’re having a montage-worthy walk around your neighborhood.

RFK Jr. Claims He Can Tell a Child Is Unhealthy Just by Licking Them

Posted on by Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed that he could tell a child is unhealthy just by licking them, sources confirmed.

“I know what a healthy child is supposed to taste like,” said Kennedy alongside his Make America Healthy Again team. “You can get a lot of information from tongue to skin contact. Temperature, salinity, texture, they should in no way taste gamey or stale, yet the children I lick when I’m walking through the airport or down the street all taste the same, unhealthy. The President and I are adamant that every child in this country needs to pass the lick test before we can truly make America healthy again.”

This unusual talent Kennedy Jr. possesses has been vital in the legislation he and his team are pursuing to pass into law.

“He had unknowingly trained his senses through a diet of raw milk and bearcub meat,” said Joe Bones, director of MAHA’s marketing team. “Secretary Kenndy’s tastebuds are adept at sensing mitochondrial imbalances, inflammation, and plaque psoriasis. And if you give him a sample to chew on for the day he can give you a diagnosis at 99.87% accuracy. We’ve even started compiling a national database of American children that organizes them by overall health, history of disease, which kids would pair well together with a fine red wine.”

More than 1,000 current and former employees of HHS have called for Kennedy Jr.’s immediate resignation since his war on vaccines, and even more have raised their voices against his non-consensual child tonguing.

“I’m not sure if I’m breaking this news here, but Robert Kennedy Jr. does not have a medical degree,” said Dr. Jodi McNemara, former Director of the CDC. “It’s become clear that the brain worm is calling the shots now, and the American children are going to suffer. The claims RFK Jr. makes about his saliva containing cancer fighting antibodies is complete BS! I am begging the parents of this country to never allow a 71-year-old man to lick your child, no matter how high up they are in the United States Government.”

At press time, the HHS has begun a nationwide campaign to get the cheeks of America’s youth onto the Health Secretary’s tongue in a cross-country bus tour.

The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately, he knows how to say “Deep State.” And it’s the only thing he knows how to say. He says it a lot. And really loud. But he’s so cute when he’s eating grapes.

He’s heavily discounted on account of he learned to say “Deep State” and will proceed to say “Deep State” twenty times an hour. He’s a very sweet bird, and he loves beak rubs but he’s gonna ruin every date you have on account of him yelling “Deep State.” You will have to apologize. A lot.

Don’t look at me, I didn’t teach him to say “Deep State.” I got this parrot from a pretty sketchy pet store next to the Military Surplus place. They had a TV that was just playing manosphere YouTube clips. The only mice they had were white. They named all their geckos after dictators. But this parrot caught my eye. He looked so elegant and majestic. A work of art by the artist known as nature. And I didn’t hear him say “Deep State” until the drive home so it was too late to return him.

He’s a good bird if you don’t ever have to do Zoom meetings from home, or plan on hosting parties, or want to raise children who don’t learn to randomly yell “Deep State.” Although that would probably guarantee them a job in the current administration, maybe even a cabinet position. So perhaps you should get this bird as an investment in your children’s future, what’s left of their future, anyways.

My weird cousin wants to give this parrot a podcast. She keeps uploading videos of him yelling “Deep State” and tagging Infowars It’s been getting a lot of views, people are active in the comments, there’s even a Reddit group set up to discuss who the parrot is accusing of being in the Deep State. It got so popular Jim Bruer even sent us a cease and desist, but we won’t take anything serious unless it’s from a C-tier former SNL cast member or above.

They must feel threatened by how powerful this bird says “Deep State.” And how loud he says it. And often. He doesn’t have any strong opinions on vaccines or understand how microphones and cameras work but success today isn’t built on an understanding of how things work, it’s just about how loud you can yell something over and over again until you get a sponsorship deal from a nootropics company.

And unlike Alex Jones this parrot is in no danger of slandering victims, questioning basic science, or denying the Holocaust. Just pure unadulterated “Deep State” with the decibel level of a car horn. And the beak rubs, he loves beak rubs.

Attractive Woman on Subway Probably Just Waiting Until the Right Moment to Compliment Your Gorguts Shirt

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BOSTON — An attractive woman seated across from you on the subway was probably just waiting until the right moment to tell you how much she likes your Gorguts shirt, overly confident sources report.

“She immediately caught my eye when I hopped on at the last stop,” you mentioned. “So I made sure to stand about five feet away from her, and I’m positioned so if she looks up from her book she’ll definitely be able to see my shirt. It has the artwork from their ‘Obscura’ album, so I’ll know she’ll appreciate how intelligent I am. I’m a sophisticated metalhead with a taste for profound lyrical themes, atonal melodies and unconventional song structures, and it shows. I’m willing to bet that she’ll immediately fall into my arms the second she notices me.”

Amelia Barnhardt, the woman you’ve been observing, was unaware that she was being passively courted.

“I just finished a long day at work, and I only want to make it home unbothered,” Barnhardt sighed. “I’m a nurse, so I’ve been on my feet for hours. It’s a huge relief to sit down and read a chapter of the latest book in the ‘Stormlight Archive’ before I get to my apartment and collapse into bed. I don’t know what a ‘Gorguts’ is or why I should care why some dude with greasy hair and glasses keeps pushing in front of the people standing across from me and watching me out of the corner of his eyes. Honestly, can I just get from my job to my home without being leered at by creepy dweebs and guys who like bands no one’s ever heard of? Is that too much to ask for?”

Sociologist Tanvi Barrett has studied these situations before.

“This is sadly common among metalheads,” Barrett confirmed. “They’ll spend an unbelievable amount of time meticulously combing through their shirt collections before getting dressed, as if anybody would notice. God forbid they get a rare compliment from a passerby, because that will validate this entire practice for years to come. I have yet to come across an instance of a metalhead gaining the affections of a woman solely as a result of the shirt he’s wearing, but try communicating that to them. They’re all seemingly convinced that women are crawling over one another to fawn over their Monstrosity shirts.”

At press time, you had repositioned yourself so Barnhardt had a clear view of the new Dismember tattoo on your right forearm.