ROCKFORD, Ill. — Retail clerk Emma Stephenson finally began to feel a sense of normalcy as an unreasonably irate customer screamed directly in her face…
Alright, now. Listen to me. You all know me, or at least, you know my reputation. You know how I make my living. This man…
HOUSTON — Famed environmental superhero and holographic android Captain Planet announced he would be accepting a position as a paid consultant for multinational oil and…
Studies show pets often take on the characteristics and habits of their owners. Okay, well if that’s true, then my cat Fruit Punch should appreciate…
CHICAGO — A passenger on American Airlines Flight 3077 was reportedly concerned whether he was allowed to lower his mask in order to use the…
Okay, this is important, everyone: I’m the girl from “Jessie’s Girl,” and I’m here to say that I don’t know who either of those guys…
CHICAGO — Cadets of the Chicago Police Academy were reminded of the exhausting six weeks of training they endured in order to become full-fledged police…
Listen, everyone. We all know this last year of Covid-19 quarantine has been tough on everyone, and those extra hundos in unemployment have been helpful.…
Hey, nice t-shirt. Nirvana. You think you’re a Nirvana fan? Sure, kid. Whatever you say. Okay big shot, how ’bout this? If you love Nirvana…
Yet again, my highly specific sexual fetish has somehow become part of the zeitgeist. This is exactly the opposite of what a kink is supposed…
I’ve never claimed to be a particularly smart man, but I do try to keep well-informed. The world is a complex place. Truth, lies, right…
Are you fucking kidding me?! Okay, okay. Gotta cool down for a moment. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I am shaken to my core.…
CHICAGO — Friends of local man Jesse Miller were disconcerted by the ease with which he spelled the sexually transmitted disease, chlamydia, without even looking…
SEATTLE — A coalition of ‘90s doctors announced this morning that fully vaccinated individuals are safe to peruse each other’s overstuffed CD binders in a…
Ugh. Give us a second. Just a second. Our fucking head. This fucking sucks. Why did we think it would be a good idea to…