Five Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Pretending We Had a Fun Summer

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another summer is ending. Soon the leaves will change color and our outside plants will die. We’ll be reminded of our mortality, and mourn the end of a season that was so hot we only left our apartments, like, three or four times, maybe. And even when we did that, with all the chaos and terrible things happening constantly, we kind of felt bad for having fun. But hey, at least we’ll always have new music. Here are five songs we’re listening to this week while tricking ourselves into thinking maybe next summer will be more fruitful.

Bones Shredder ‘Pulling Teeth’

Even if you don’t know the name, there’s a good chance that if you listen to music at all, you’ve heard Randy Moore shred a guitar. He’s lent his work to the likes of Ghost, Daniel Andriano & the Bygones, Lektron, Get Married, and probably hundreds of others we don’t know about. Next month, Moore will release the debut album from his solo project, Bones Shredder. The latest single, ‘Pulling Teeth,’ suggests it will be inarguably better than your guitarist’s abandoned solo EP.

Shadowing ‘Alive?’

If you’ve ever wondered what Joy Division would sound like if they had access to modern-day pedal boards and screamed more, look no further than Portland darkwave quartet Shadowing. Their debut release ‘Body Neutral EP’ is a five-track blast of ominous post-punk that is sure to have you removing all non-grayscale clothing from your closet before staring pensively into a broken mirror for hours on end.
Body Neutral ep by Shadowing

White Reaper ‘Blue 42’

It’s been just over a year since White Reaper’s rhythm section announced their amicable departure from the band. Those worried about the future of the band should probably get a hobby but will be relieved to know that their latest album ‘Only Slightly Empty’ is coming out in just a few short weeks. The latest single ‘Blue 42’ is heavy, pensive, slow, and plays out like a hangover after a decade long party.

Upchuck ‘Tired’

Atlanta punk quintet Upchuck’s new Ty Segall-produced album ‘I’m Nice Now’ will be out in just over a month, and based on the singles, we’re thinking it might be time to take cover and prepare for the end. The latest, ‘Tired,’ is a blistering ride that will flatten you in less than three minutes but stay in your head for the rest of your life. The opening bass line is so disgusting there should be a Surgeon General’s Warning before the track starts. Proceed with caution, is what we’re saying here.

Chat Pile/Hayden Pedigo ‘Radioactive Dreams’

Noise rock outfit Chat Pile just announced an unlikely collaboration with singer-songwriter Hayden Pedigo. Given Pedigo’s penchant for gentle Americana-infused finger-picking and Chat Pile’s penchant for crafting songs so heavy they make you think you’re going to vomit, there’s no way this project should work. Yet, the lead single ‘Radioactive Dreams’ from the forthcoming album, ‘In The Earth Again,’ proves that despite all odds it doesn’t just work, it actually sounds listenable… dare we say, even pleasant?
In The Earth Again by Chat Pile & Hayden Pedigo

Mocktail Perfect For Man Who Doesn’t Want To Drink, But Still Wants To Spend $18

Posted on by Charles Bill

ARLINGTON, Va. — Local restaurant the Green Garden began serving mocktails which are perfect for the person who doesn’t want to drink, but still wants to spend $18, confirmed sources.

“I was feeling left out drinking an affordable diet Coke,” explained sober man Lawrence Wilkes. “All my friends were having a great time spending $22 at a time on espresso martinis and mezcal old fashioned drinks. I always felt excluded when it was time to close out our tabs and I’d only spent like $16 on food and they’d spent half their paychecks in one sitting. Thankfully there’s a way to feel like I partied hard too. Like, when we went to the Green Garden, I noticed they had a menu of mocktails. I think that is a portmanteau of mock and cocktail, but I would have to Google it to make sure. It was delicious, and it cost me as much as a burger without fries would have, so I felt good about it. I’ve just had way too much money on my hand ever since I quit boozing.”

The restaurant’s owners seemed to express consternation at the success of their new $18 glasses of sugar water.

“Look, we want to provide a good time for those who drink and those who don’t,” said Green Garden manager Ruth Peters. “I had the idea to add mocktails, a portmanteau of mock and cocktail by the way, to the menu. Most of the time there’s about 90 cents of juice and soda in each drink. We are making out like bandits. The biggest overhead on the mocktails comes from the ridiculous amount of dried fruit we put in them to make them look worth buying. It keeps me up at night how much money we are clearing on these things. Maybe capitalism was a mistake.”

Although the mocktails became immensely popular, not all customers felt the same enthusiasm as Wilkes.

“I wish Larry would just drink again,” said girlfriend of three years Dana Steward. “We go to Green Garden because they have delicious cocktails that get you fucked up. Larry quit booze a few months back and he’s been so boring since then. All he does is jigsaw puzzles and run 5ks. I want the man I fell in love with back. The same guy who shit in the bathroom wastebin thinking it was the toilet. Now all I have is some pussy who orders virgin daiquiris.”

At press time, the Green Garden bar staff was experimenting with a mocktail that was just water and grenadine that would require a loan to purchase.

Opinion: Connections Are Everything When You’re Looking To Land a Soul-Crushing, Time-Wasting Job

Posted on by Jeff Bender

Look, you’ve probably heard a lot about today’s job market and how difficult it is to “break in.” Some will tell you to get on LinkedIn, search for people whose qualifications match yours, and hope, just hope, that someone will DM you with a job offer. But even in this era of increasing digitization, nothing beats the personal, tried-and-true connection toward landing that dream job that will shatter your faith in humanity and rob you of all time and leisure.

Don’t get me wrong, I think a diversified attack is a good approach. But if you really want to go for your dream — by which I mean the nightmare that denies you of the pursuit of happiness — I find it best to mine the contacts that you already have in place.

Start with social media. Type in your desired industry — by “desired,” I mean the thing that will finally force you to surrender your free will and then literally kill you — into the Facebook search bar and see which of your friends’ friends or old classmates pop up. Scroll through to find which of these lackeys is posting photos of themselves on a boat with somebody else’s spouse, wielding an industry trophy with dead eyes, or hanging their arms around some colleagues with a smile that says, “What?! Who am I?! I didn’t want this!”

Message them. Remind them of your mutual acquaintances and social clubs. See if you can’t arrange a round of golf (you’re terrible), a latte (you’re lactose intolerant), or an evening of drunken karaoke (you hate Bon Jovi). They’re sure to get back to you immediately because they’re desperate to get away from the office to tell you how great it is. This is called “networking,” which is code for escaping the life they never wished for as a kid and, frankly, used to mock.

So when you’re panicked and confused, burdened by a mortgage and a tanning-bed subscription, it’s best to seek out other panicked and confused people who actually have jobs. Contact them today. Do it now! Don’t delay the chance to live out the dream that will make you want to die.

Escape Room Success Rate Jumps to 100% After Aerosmith Added to Background Music

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — The success rate at escape room 7th Avenue Escapes increased to 100% after an Aerosmith playlist was added to its background music, distressed sources report.

“We made a new ‘Escape the 90s’ themed room because that type of nostalgia is all the rage now,” said owner Fernando Cruz. “We adorned the walls with ‘Home Alone’ and ‘Jurassic Park’ posters and incorporated Game Boys and Gak into the clues. It was pretty neat, but I think we missed the mark with the custom Aerosmith playlist, with songs like ‘Crazy’ and that one from ‘Armageddon.’ I should have known something was awry when the players started frantically escaping in a fraction of a time than they previously had, and they had the most sickened and horrified looks on their faces.”

Player Dawn Irvin gave her feedback on the experience shortly after shattering the previously held record.

“What sick fuck put that thing together?” Irvin gasped as she caught her breath. “At first I thought the room was kind of clever. We had to decipher clues to find the correct game cartridge, which then gave us riddles we had to solve after we put it in the Super Nintendo. However, it became evident that the themed music playing the entire time was only going to be Aerosmith. As soon as I figured that out, I had to get out of there as quickly as possible. I’m so happy to have escaped that hell. Had I been in there for another minute, I probably would have vomited all over the place and gotten hit with the cleanup cost.”

Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler didn’t seem to understand the issue with his music’s inclusion in the escape room.

“There’s nothing wrong with adding a little rock ‘n roll to an escape room,” Tyler noted. “The world always needs more Aerosmith in its amusement offerings, especially since our Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster at Disney’s Hollywood Studios will be revamped to be Muppets themed next year. I always felt like people don’t hear our songs nearly enough on the radio or in movie soundtracks, so the larger presence we have in things like this, the better. I’m hoping to see our music included in more escape rooms going forward.”

At press time, Cruz was forced to remove the music after a safety regulator threatened to shutter 7th Avenue Escapes for placing a hazardous and unnecessary strain on customers.

Venue Marquee Guy Praying King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard Never Tours With …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

TEMPE, Ariz. — Local concert venue marquee-setter Kenan Vollick was overheard fretting about the possibility of the bands King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard and …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead ever doing a show together, sources confirmed, while counting the amount of letters that would be.

“Dude, I thought I had it bad when freaking They Might Be Giants burst on the scene. I didn’t know how breezy I had it back then! The thought of Gizzard and Trail of Dead ever joining forces literally keeps me up at night,” said Vollick, the man responsible for signage at Darkstar Tempe. “This venue isn’t prepared for the amount of letters that would take up. I’d have to start fashioning some out of old furniture and papier mache. I don’t have that kind of time and dedication, I just don’t! Doesn’t anyone appreciate brevity anymore? I’d kill for OK Go to tour with Yes. I’d be home in time for lunch that day.”

Vollick’s anxiety over the possibility has led him to pre-emptively seek out the aid of local construction professionals.

“Mr. Vollick brought us in to essentially triple the current size of the outdoor signage, should those two bands ever tour with each other. By the looks of these blueprints, she should be 93% marquee within the week. Basically a big sign with a bouncer in front of it is what we’re looking at,” said local contractor Hesseman Crest, as he dollied over one of the many giant letter Z’s purchased. “Hell, if I owned this heap, I’d probably just go ahead and make the font size smaller, but they’re the ones cutting me the fat check, so I’ll keep my yap shut.”

Unfortunately for the marquee-setters around the world, the nation’s linguists are hard at work in ways that may complicate matters further.

“Well, to make a long story short, we’ve got lots of new letters of the alphabet on the way. If projections are correct, we could be looking at a 76-77 letter English alphabet by the end of the year,” said Kramer. “This could allow indie bands to use all sorts of bloated, self-indulgently drawn-out band names. Names that could be entire passages and paragraphs the likes of which Coachella has never seen.”

At press time, Vollick entered a state of comatose shock after learning of the existence of the band The World Is A Beautiful Place And I Am No Longer Afraid To Die.

So Much for the Tolerant Left: This Liberal Got Mad After I Slept With His Wife and Shit on His Lawn

Posted on by Bobby Korec

It’s a well-known fact that liberals refer to themselves as the “tolerant left” as evidenced by a meme I saw on Facebook. But if that was the case, how come my neighbor Kevin was not very understanding after I slept with his wife and took a dump on his lawn? Every single time that happens, their tolerance is nowhere to be found. If anything, he seems pretty livid right now.

Sure, by “slept with his wife” I mean begged her several times to sleep with me. Unfortunately, she rejected all of my advances to bone, so I did what any upstanding alpha male would do and snuck into their bedroom while they were having sex and sat in a chair in the corner to watch. I think they call that cucking someone. I cucked them real good.

After they caught me, they rudely kicked me out and threatened to call the cops, so I had no choice but to pinch a loaf on his lawn, but that was only because I was eight beers deep and Michelob Ultras always make me have to go potty. He should know that by now. And yet he still avoids eye contact when he sees me. It’s like the entire Democratic party has so little patience for their neighbors’ drunken shit locations.

And hey, If I’m going to crash my car into my “tolerant” neighbor’s begonia garden at two in the morning, he should at least have the decency to understand where I’m coming from. I’m pretty sure empathy is all liberals care about. As a registered Republican, I wouldn’t be caught dead empathizing.

Finally, I’m not going to reimburse Kevin for that time I cut down that tree in my yard, and it just so happened to fall on a portion of his house, either. And now he’s suing me. That’s pretty much the least tolerant thing a person can do. It’s like liberals have no self-awareness.

Mental Health Walk Turns to Mental Health Sprint Thanks to Pack of Rabid Dogs

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

SPOKANE, Wash. — Local anxiety-sufferer Eno Patrice upped his attempt at his daily mental health walk to a mental health sprint after being chased by nine rabies-infected dogs, sources confirmed while running for their dear lives as well.

“Damn that therapist telling me that calming strolls would clear my head and lead to a more enriching life. You call this enriched? It makes me so mad I could rip everything to shreds with my own teeth! In fact, I’m gonna get started on that right now! Grrrrrr!” rasped Patrice, from within his quarantined space. “Once all my wounds heal, I stop my irrational fear of water, and I can start in-person sessions again, I just may bite that guy myself.”

The owner of the dangerous canines, local insane person Harley Toth, didn’t seem to grasp the gravity of the situation.

“Oh, that’s alright, they were just playing. The rabies just give them a little extra ‘oomph’ in the zoomies department, isn’t that right my sweet boys? Isn’t that right? Who’s got a sloppy foamy mouth and vicious glint in their eyes? You do! See? Such sweethearts,” said Toth, while making an infuriating hand flourish as if to say “you’re overreacting.” “At the end of the day, there’s really no harm done. My doggos got their exercise for the day, and he got the privilege of interacting with them. It’s win-win. If anything, I should be billing him for all the fun he got to have.”

Rabies specialists urged Patrice to focus on the upsides of infection.

“Not many people realize this, but the odd rabies infection here or there is actually a highly effective temporary cure for anxiety. One immediately stops caring about such trivial matters as their outward appearance, basic hygiene and legibility of their speech patterns, right off the bat,” offered Dr. Lamitow, while referring to her recently published book “Rabie Steps.” “Take this as a vacation from reality’s harsh plane of existence. As I say in my book, embrace rabid habits, and finally live life to the fullest. Just don’t get near me, please.”

At press time, trouble kept brewing when Patrice’s doctor’s office was revealed to be right next door to the veterinarian treating the rabid dogs.

CNN Premium Subscribers Given News Stories a Week Early

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

ATLANTA — Major media outlet CNN began offering news stories a week early for subscribers to their premium service, confirmed sources who still weren’t interested.

“We feel it’s important for our paid subscribers to get something extra for their patronage,” CNN CEO Mark Thompson explained. “We have our best psychics and precogs working around the clock for the best premium content that our patrons can talk about in our discord. And if that doesn’t cut it, we just kind of guess what’s going to happen based on a hunch. Not to mention we also have subscription tiers! Each month our exclusive members will get personalized articles such as who at their job hates them or how they are going to die. You can also see our anchors try funny foreign snacks!”

CNN’s staff is not exactly excited for the bonus content.

“Oh boy, more work for us to do. Can’t wait!” reported journalist Craig Lowe. “You know how hard it is to get your news reports when your sources are from people who prophesize the future? Sometimes it’s ‘The man in purple will light three fires of metal and blood’ and then my boss just turns to me and goes ‘translate that.’ Next thing I know I’m up all night reading about symbol interpretations. Most of the time though I’m thumbing through old episodes of ‘The Simpsons’ for potential prediction ideas. It almost sometimes works.”

Numbers in subscribers have already gone up by as many as six people since the option was announced.

“I wasn’t interested at first paying yet another company five dollars a month, but then I started feeling left out when I’d hear everyone discussing which country the US is for some reason bombing or who is getting assassinated next week,” new subscriber Susan Friedman said. “And the future sections about business news have been even better for my stock than tracking Nancy Pelosi’s husband. Still trying to figure out the one article that just says ‘THE GREAT HAPPENING IS SOON.’”

In related news, Fox News subscribers will be getting to know a week early which minorities are currently spreading the woke mind virus in advance, and new members will also have their name sharpied on Sean Hannity’s forehead.

My Top Five Favorite Techno Songs and Why They’re All the Mortal Kombat Theme Song

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

Most techno music to me sounds like someone force-feeding a crushed-up mixture of crystal meth and ecstasy to an NES, a cacophony of bleeps and bloops hammering your ears at 150 beats per minute. It’s not my favorite genre, in case you couldn’t guess. There are, however, a few techno songs I not only tolerate but actually go out of my way to listen to. Here are my five favorite techno songs, and by five I mean one, and by one I mean “Techno Syndrome” by the Immortals, aka the Mortal Kombat Theme Song.

5. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

The Mortal Kombat Theme Song goes hard. If you need to be pumped the fuck up, nothing does the job better than hearing a grown man shouting the name of a 1992 Sega Genesis game at the top of his lungs. While the beginning synth notes get my blood pumping, it’s not until someone screams, “MORTAL KOMBAT!” that the song reaches into my chest and rips my still bleeding heart out of my chest. Fatality, indeed.

4. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

The Mortal Kombat Theme slaps. Almost all of the lyrics are just the names of the characters repeated over and over. Look, I’m in my mid-40s and only getting older. My memory isn’t what it used to be, and now and then I need to be reminded, “Hey, whose that blue ninja with the ice powers? Freezy McCold or whatever? Oh yeah, Sub-Zero, duh!”

3. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

This is my favorite techno song because it implores me to test my might. You’re favorite techno song wants you to check out the “funk soul brother.” We are not the same. Violence is cool. I don’t give a shit about dropping the bass, I’m all about dropping motherfuckers, preferably with a fireball or well-timed spear throw. I’ve tried listening to other EDM like Moby and Fatboy Slim, and while I admit the beats are catchy, the lyrics feature a distinct lack of ninjas capable of ripping one’s spine out of their body, skull still attached.

2. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

Nostalgia is a hell of a drug. I’m a ‘90s kid, and the Mortal Kombat Theme reminds me of a simpler time. A time when men were men and women blew kisses made of napalm that melted the flesh off the bones of those men.

1. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

The Mortal Kombat Theme Song is the perfect techno song — scratch that, perfect song — for any occasion. Funeral? Who doesn’t want their casket lowered into the ground while someone shouts “Finish him!” over a hard-driving beat? Wedding? You owe it to your spouse to walk down the aisle while someone chants, “uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh,” in the background. Personally, I like to put it on in the background while I’m having sex and time my climax so that I finish when the announcer says “Scorpion.” No particular reason, it’s just a vibes thing.

There you have it. Proof that the techno genre peaked with 1994’s “Techno Syndrome” by the Immortals, better known as the Mortal Kombat Theme Song. Before I go, I’d like to leave you with a few inspirational lyrics: “Kano, Liu Kang, Raiden, Johnny Cage.”

John Mellencamp Autobiography Contains Four Chapters About Other Things He Likes to Do With Chili Dogs

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Legendary blue-collar rocker John Mellencamp released his autobiography entitled “Hurt So Good: The John Mellencamp Story” in which he dedicated four whole chapters to chili dogs, denim-clad sources report.

“People don’t realize, but ‘Jack’ in ‘Jack and Diane’ is about me, and so is the part about suckin’ on chili dogs. Suckin’ on ‘em is just one of the things I love to do with ‘em,’” Mellencamp explained. “In the past, I’ve been known to huff chili dogs, snort chili dogs, and even boof the bad boys. That part is in chapter 5, the same chapter where I talk about leaving my first true love Lucy on account of her not wanting to incorporate chili dogs in the bedroom. There ain’t nothin’ anyone with a chili dog can’t do, and that includes writing a line in a timeless hit song about ‘em.”

Mellencamp’s editor Eliza Donald had some apprehension about the book containing several chapters on chili con carne-based hot dogs.

“John’s story is an all-American, working class-underdog journey that could inspire so many struggling people these days, but I’m afraid four chapters on chili dogs will most definitely overshadow all of that,” Donald said while visibly frustrated. “I begged him to just put a paragraph or even one chapter, but he insisted on how pivotal they are to his story. I had to draw the line at including an entire epilogue about his highly specific food proclivities. I’ve been an editor for a long time, and this could be the most embarrassing chili dog-related content I’ve ever seen.”

According to some historians, several musicians throughout American popular culture have had suggestive lines in their music that reflect their real lives.

“A lot of popular artists such as Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan pen lines in their songs that highlight some sort of bizarre aspect of their lives,” music historian Richard Stapp explained. “‘A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall’ by Bob Dylan is famously known for being about Dylan’s struggle with urinating with kidney stones. Springsteen’s ‘I’m On Fire’? Everyone knows that’s about the time he set his kitchen ablaze by putting a Ramen Noodle cup in the microwave with no water in it. However, Mellencamp’s ‘chili dog’ obsession is a mystery to me, and I can’t wait to read the book and find out!”

At press time, Ocar Meyer and Mellencamp signed a $2 million dollar deal in order to help with his book publicity.