Rush Tribute Band All Drummers

Posted on by Vince Ratti

BENSALEM, Pa. – New Rush tribute band Tom Tom Sawyer hopes to set themselves apart from the competition by being composed of drummers exclusively, sources still mourning Neil Peart confirmed.

“When I posted that I was starting a Rush tribute band, I wasn’t expecting to get so many enthusiastic responses in such little time,” said warehouse worker, and lifelong drummer, Kennedy Lyons. “Nor was I expecting all the replies to be exclusively from drummers. But that’s when it struck me–Neil Peart’s drumming is obviously the most important aspect of Rush’s music anyway, so nobody is going to miss the other instruments like bass or guitar. It’s really important to me to keep it as authentic as possible though, so that’s why we’re still a power trio.”

The formation of Tom Tom Sawyer has been a boon for business for rehearsal space owner Dan Reagan.

“Because their drum kits are so gigantic, and because there are three of them, they have to rent out three separate rooms,” cackled Reagan. “They’re here like multiple times a week, so they alone are currently paying for all my premium porn subscriptions. All I had to do was upgrade the studio internet so they could see each other over Zoom which I didn’t mind doing, because now I can watch said premium porn at the front desk. I don’t even care that it scares off potential new customers, these guys are my meal ticket.”

Show “attendee” and Jabroni’s Bar & Grill regular Tim Meyers had mixed feelings about being ambushed by the band’s debut performance.

“I was having a nice jalapeno popper dinner with my wife when I noticed some drums being set up. Like a lot of fucking drums, too many to count,” sighed Meyers. “I figured our date night was about to be ruined, but when three of them started playing with no other music, that’s when I knew God was punishing me for that time I said the Eagles deserved to lose the Super Bowl. It eventually dawned on me that they were playing all Rush songs when I caught myself instinctively drumming ‘YYZ’ with my poppers. It was kinda fun. Some poor bastard even tried to get up there and sing ‘Distant Early Warning’ with them, but he tripped and fell into a giant stand full of chimes, which made his spleen getting impaled sound downright magical.”

At press time, Tom Tom Sawyer is contemplating booking a tour with a local Van Halen tribute band that consists entirely of guitarists.

Juggalo Scientists Confirm “Whoop Whoop” Means Both “Hello,” “Goodbye,” and “Show Me Your Butthole”

Posted on by Doug Kolic

DELRAY, Mich. — Leading Juggalo scientists confirmed fascinating new research which indicates that “whoop whoop” has numerous meanings including “hello,” “goodbye,” and “show me your butthole,” according to sources who found out the hard way.

“Wake your bitch asses up, we’ve got some big news, y’all,” stated lead scientist Alice E. Jensen from the prestigious Milenko Institute for Higher Learnin ‘n Shizzle. “After many Faygo-fuelled months studying focus groups, we’ve determined that this dope phrase was more versatile than we ever thought. We hypothesized that it could be both a greeting and farewell but discovered it was also the de facto way of politely asking to see each other’s cornholes. This is a very exciting development for the evolution of our language, so all you mutha fucking chickens can suck our clown wangs. Whoop fuckity-whoop!”

Jessica Lamb, a normie who recently attended The Gathering of the Juggalos for the first time, shared her experience with the culture.

“I’m still traumatized,” quivered a still visibly shaken Lamb. “My Juggalo cousin Phil convinced me to join his crew down at their annual Gathering in Ohio. I thought the makeup and clothes were kind of unique so I figured it could be fun, especially with that hilarious catchphrase they’re always yelling. But what they failed to mention was that numerous people responded to my light-hearted ‘whoop whoop’ by dropping their JNCOs and instantly spreading their cheeks. I thought I was on some kind of disgusting prank show or something, but apparently not. I don’t speak to Phil anymore.”
Linguistic expert Joseph Chartwell explained that it’s not uncommon for groups to communicate with a secret language.

“It’s all elementary,” said Chartwell. “Many communities have coded language that some people may not know about. The most popular example would be ‘Aloha,’ which can mean ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye,’ but can also be used for love, peace, and compassion. Law enforcement’s use of ‘10-4’ commonly means ‘ok,’ but also translates to ‘hurry, plant the evidence,’ and ‘if you squeal, you’re a dead man.’ Language is an amazing gift to society, except when an innocuous phrase results in unsolicited, indecent exposure. Not to mention it’s just plain nasty.”

At press time, the scientists released further findings which state this phrase may be much older than believed, after a local ninja claimed to unearth an ancient pictograph in a Michigan cave depicting a primitive Hatchet Man lifting his loincloth and exposing his prehistoric “fart box.”

Every Thrice Album Ranked

Posted on by Steve Esparra

Thrice is one of those bands you either like or you love to death. There is no in between, and nobody hates them. It’s actually a federal crime, so if you happen to come across a criminal who says “I never liked that band,” just know you’re dealing with a known felon. Want to know something cool? After 25 years they’ve never once had a lineup change. They’ve never been a part of any drama. They went on a brief hiatus in 2012 for what felt like a hockey season including playoffs, then heroically got back together for the kids (we the fans). They’re just four solid, easygoing, California dudes…

…so let’s see if we can ruffle their feathers a bit by ranking their albums from worst to best, shall we? Odds are you will be able to guess the age of the person doing the rankings within 3 months by the time we’re through.

11. Palms (2018)

Like the song says… “Everything Belongs.” Meaning… it’s still Thrice, so there are no bad records, but this one is lowest on the list mostly because a lot of the songs feel forced and uninspired. Plus, 2018 was a really rough time for us and we don’t wanna talk about it. In fact we don’t want to talk about anything from the past 5 years, so don’t ask “how are you doing?” the answer is always “bad.”

Play it again: “Beyond the Pines”
Skip it: “Hold Up A Light”

 

 

10. Beggars (2009)

If there’s one thing I know in this life, it’s that this album is actually great… but the highly questionable decision to include the lyrics “YOU ARE LISTENING TO A VAGRANT RECORDS ADVANCED PROMOTIONAL STREAM” on every song definitely hampers its potential. But fuck it, we still sing along to those lyrics every time we see them play one of the songs off this album live.

Play it again: “In Exile”
Skip it: “At the Last”

 

 

9. To Be Everywhere Is To Be Nowhere (2016)

Thrice announced the end of their hiatus with this album, so it holds a special place in the hearts of fans. However, due to the political nature of some of the songs, ranking it any higher might put us in trouble with the U.S. government. We would not fare well in a safe house in Russia, if you catch my drift.

Play it again: “Hurricane”
Skip it: “Wake Up”

 

 

 

8. Identity Crisis (2000)

One could argue Thrice owe their entire career to their debut album, a perfect mix of melodic punk, hardcore, and some thrash. Rough around the edges in all the right ways, everything about this youthful record paved the way for a 25+ year career. This record would have been ranked higher, but honestly we don’t want the band to be mad at us.

Play it again: “A Torch to End All Torches”
Skip it: “Unquestioned Answers”

 

 

7. The Artist in the Ambulance (2003)

Their major label debut, the band is currently touring for its 20th anniversary, playing the album in its entirety. The album itself is sweet, but there’s something unsettling about hearing your favorite band on the radio and seeing their songs in karaoke books. It’s much more preferable if some normie says “Oh… never heard of them” than “Oh, I like that one song I heard on KROQ!”

Play it again: “Silhouette
Skip it: (and definitely don’t sing it at Open Mic Night at Houlihans) “Stare at the Sun”

 

Honorable Mention: The Artist in the Ambulance (Revisited 2023)

The band wasn’t happy with the sound of the original release, so 20 years later they’ve given it a second chance and re-released it as “Revisited.” They also added some guest vocal features, albethey subtle, from members of Holy Fawn, Curl Up And Die, Architects, Manchester Orchestra, Be Well, and Hot Water Music. The result is an aging hardcore fan’s wet dream.

 

 

 

 

6. Horizons/East (2021)

Thrice’s most recent album sees them finally realize their more mature, alternative sound. We ranked this album so high mostly because it’s got a lot of jazzy stuff and it makes us feel good to pretend like we understand music on that level. We sort of hope they release a country album next so we can fully become the cliche we were meant to be.

Play it again: “Northern Lights”
Skip it: ‘The Dreamer”

 

 

5. Major/Minor (2011)

Their last album before hiatus, this is the one that hits every Thrice fan right in the feels. The farewell tour was one for the books, and consider me a sucker for punishment for hitting multiple dates just to weep like a little baby during “Anthology.” Then with water in my eyes, I moshed to “Phoenix Ignition.” Good times.

Play it again: “Blinded”
Skip it: “Listen Through Me”

 

 

 

4. Vheissu (2005)

The fan and band favorite, this album is so beloved that upon its release, enrollment in Morse code literacy courses skyrocketed. The cipher at the beginning of first track “Image of the Invisible” actually translates to “Send help… we are trapped on a major label for one more album!”

Play it again: “The Earth Will Shake”
Skip it: “Stand and Feel Your Worth”

 

 

 

3. The Alchemy Index Vols. III & IV – Air & Earth (2008)

Speaking of… wanna know a quick and easy way to get out of your record deal? Announce you’re releasing a 4 disc, 24-song concept album! Only the dudes in Thrice could have a somewhat peaceful break with a major label, sign with a smaller, indie label, and put out some of their strongest work ever; all while writing, producing, engineering, and mixing everything themselves. You don’t want to play poker against this band, that’s for sure.

Play it again: “Daedalus”
Skip it: “Come All You Weary”

 

2. The Alchemy Index Vols. I & II – Fire & Water (2007)

It might be prudent to group the four Alchemy albums as one, but that’s not how they were released, and wouldn’t be fair to the other, non-elemental albums. Their instincts on these six-song EPs and the way they capture each element perfectly is the pinnacle of songwriting. Above all, The Alchemy Index is the perfect collection to combine all four elements into a bong rip (lighter, bongwater, smoke, weed, respectively).

Play it again: “Lost Continent”
Skip it: “Backdraft,” although it’s still sweet.

 

1. The Illusion of Safety (2002)

The greatest album of all time. Many imitators, no duplicators. The band actually played it in its entirety in 2022 for some hometown shows and at Furnace Fest, bringing the most elder hardcore dudes out of mosh retirement this side of Botch. Personally, if I were able to choose a way to die, #1 would be peacefully surrounded by family, #2 would be a heart attack moshing to the breakdown in “To Awake and Avenge the Dead,” making the EMS team carry me out during “So Strange I Remember You.”

Play it again: “Kill Me Quickly” (the first song) right after “The Beltsville Crucible” (the last song) ends
Skip it: “Deadbolt.” You’ve heard it enough. But let’s be honest… there are no skips.

10 Bands You Will Never Admit You Discovered Because of a Popular Movie, But We Know the Truth

Posted on by Walker JF Glenn

So you’re watching “Forrest Gump” get dropped into the jungles of Vietnam, and you find yourself asking “Was this war good… or bad?” Before you have the chance to arrive at any conclusions on your own, the opening notes of “Fortunate Son” kick in and lay all ambiguity to rest: in this war, the less affluent are sent to die, and that’s bad. You’re awash with the relief of being told how to feel, and you get to enjoy a tune by your favorite band Creedence Clearwater Revival.

But wait- you’ve never heard of CCR before? This film is your first exposure to the thick bayou drawl of Bay Area native John Fogerty? Well, we could give you a bunch of shit for not knowing your rock ‘n’ roll history, but instead we’ll tell on ourselves too. Here’s a comprehensive list of times we discovered bands because of a popular movie.

10. Dropkick Murphys, “The Departed”

For how much he loves needle drops, it’s surprising that the Dropkick Murphys’ “I’m Shipping Up To Boston” is the only sea shanty Scorcese ever put in a movie. The accordion has never sounded quite as hard as it does accompanying a surly Dicaprio on his mission to infiltrate the Boston mob; and if you walked out of the theater wondering if your new favorite band has any more songs about Boston, good news: they pretty much only do.

9. Elliott Smith, “Good Will Hunting”

Speaking of Bean Town, it was only logical that when director Gus Van Sant heard the intimate, whispered vocals of Portland-based singer/songwriter Elliott Smith, he said to himself “These songs sound like they’re about a secretly genius janitor who works at MIT.” The “Good Will Hunting” soundtrack featured six fucking songs by Smith, making it no longer just music for you to cry alone to. It’s also music you can get your ass beat by a Sox fan to.

8. Weezer, “Mallrats”

Hey grandkids, did you know Weezer didn’t used to be dogshit? You did if you saw 1995’s “Mallrats.” At the end of the movie, Jay and Silent Bob team up with an Orangutan named Suzanne, and the trio walk off into the sunset to a Weezer b-side, aptly titled “Susanne” (OK, different spelling but it still works). The beloved ‘90s icons of Jay, Silent Bob, and Weezer all continue to crank out worse and worse content to this day, while the orangutan who played Susanne retired from acting and lives in a great ape sanctuary- a place remote enough that no new Weezer albums or Kevin Smith films can harm her.

7. Lou Reed, “Trainspotting”

Thank god for Lou Reed and Danny Boyle, who delivered such gripping depictions of heroin addiction that we didn’t have to try it ourselves. Watching the overdosing Rent Boy sink into a carpet over the melancholic monotone of “Perfect Day” gave us the gist: this drug is so good that it’ll kill ya’. And it turned out Reed had a pretty cool band before he went solo, too.

6. Wings, “Licorice Pizza”

“Trainspotting” may ask us “Who needs reasons when you have heroin,” but Paul McCartney asks us “Who needs heroin when you have herbal jazz cigarettes, man?” Although primarily known for being the dorkiest Beatle not named Ringo, Sir Paul was also in a band called Wings, and Paul Thomas Anderson turned us all onto them by including their doob-raising anthem “Let Me Roll It” in his coming-of-age comedy “Licorice Pizza.”

5. Buzzcocks, “Ghost World”

Enid Coleslaw speaks to all of us who have tried to go punk and failed. In the Gen-X love letter/send-up “Ghost World,” we watch Enid dye her hair green while blasting “What Do I Get?” by 1970s Brit-punkers the Buzzcocks, only to be ridiculed by her friends and told that punk is over. Punk may be over, but being a poser will never die.

4. Generation X, “SLC Punk!”

Another ode to poserdom, “SLC Punk!” gave us a lot of bands we can pretend we liked before they were big. The use of “Kiss Me Deadly” by Billy Idol’s original group Generation X is especially memorable: it’s played in the film’s climatic flashback as we watch younger versions of the SLC punks throw their Rush tapes away for something more edgy, aggressive, and above all, “new.” If only they’d known they were allowed to like punk rock and D&D, maybe Heroin Bob would still be alive.

3. Dead Kennedys, “Green Room”

Unfortunately where punks breed, there sometimes appears the human pond scum of Nazi punks; who, it cannot be said enough, need to fuck off. In the garageband slasher “Green Room,” a touring band finds themselves booked in a skinhead bar, and let the racists have it with a rousing rendition of the Dead Kennedys succinctly titled “Nazi Punks Fuck Off.” The band pays for the insult dearly in a brutal battle royale with white supremacists, but hey, at least they went out fighting nazis. The only downside to getting into DK is that you now have to pretend to like Jello Biafra’s spoken-word albums too.

2. Rage Against the Machine, “The Matrix”

“What if we were all living in a simulation, bro? Do you ever think about that? What if we’re all, like, human batteries? Doesn’t that trip you out??” These are just some of the deep questions raised by “The Matrix,” which also introduced dudes in Jeeps across the country to the Rage Against the Machine banger called “Wake Up.” Even though concepts like taking the red pill and rapping over rock music have been sullied by losers like Elon Musk and Fred Durst, it’s nice to recall a more innocent time when rebellion belonged to the good guys.

1. Smash Mouth, “Shrek”

…Innocent times like the Spring of 2001! A time when America had not yet been gripped by the jingoistic bloodlust that followed 9/11, when Tom Cruise was newly single and hadn’t broken any couches, and when the world was about to meet a grumpy old ogre who was a bit lacking in the manners department— but enough about Smash Mouth lead singer Steve Harwell! “Shrek” fever coursed through our piggy veins, and “All Star” coursed through our first-generation Ipods. Eventually, “Shrek” went on to spawn an entire film franchise, and Smash Mouth went on to host several superspreader events during the deadly COVID-19 pandemic. But those of us who first heard them at the movies got the best of the band, skipping over their ska-rock roots and getting straight to “All Star”- a song everyone loves to perform at karaoke that no one ever wants to hear performed at karaoke again.

New Water Bottle Hopefully First Step in New Lifestyle

Posted on by Matt McInerney

BOULDER, Colo. — Local woman Berkley Bauer has reportedly bought another fancy new water bottle that is hopefully going to kickstart a whole new lifestyle, hesitant sources confirmed.

“I’m so excited. It has a built-in straw, it has measurement indicators on the side, and it even has an integrated filter! I just know this is the push I need. I’m finally going to start drinking more water and getting healthy. Maybe even hiking,” said Bauer. “And why stop there? This could be the start of me running ultra-marathons. Or just begin jogging and exercising for that matter. Then I could become a personal trainer to the stars after climbing Mount Everest. All thanks to my new $45 drinking receptacle. Now that I’ve had this thing on my desk for two days, I realize I must have been constantly dehydrated before. No wonder I wasn’t out there crushing it. I was dying of thirst, barely surviving.”

Casey Knapp, Bauer’s long-time partner, has a few concerns.

“I have seen so many water bottles come and go. Each would usher in a wave of fitness talk and an Amazon cart full of expensive activewear. I was hoping the last one, that monster 64-ounce water bottle, was it. But here we are again,” said Knapp. “I don’t even mind the delusional lifestyle talk. We’re just running out of space! These bottles are all indestructible, so I feel way too guilty to throw any away. I stash them all in a closet, but I don’t think I can fit one more. The fact that they all make the transition from health devices to ‘containers to sneak booze into theaters’ at some point makes them pretty hard to give away too. A used water bottle that smells like skunked Coors Light is a tough sell, even for free.”

Sincere Bradley, a local wellness coach, is not shocked by this story.

“I have two types of clients. The kind that are genuinely interested in improving their lives and well-being. And the kind that are very excited about a big trip to REI. And, of course, the water bottle is the highlight of their spending sprees,” said Bradley. “I’ve started thinking of them more as emotional support water bottles. They are not just vessels for hydrating liquid. They are containers for hopes and dreams. These dreams never come true, of course, but they keep paying while the hope lasts. So God bless ’em.”

At press time, Bauer was seen purchasing a cart full of reusable bags at Whole Foods after explaining that she forgot the bags she bought last time at home again.

Someone Emailed Saying They’ll Release Video of Me Masturbating to My Entire Contacts List, and I’m Starting To Lose Faith That They Will Actually Follow Through

Posted on by Freelancer

Good help is so very hard to find these days. Case in point: I received a strange email rife with misspellings and odd formatting. The gist of the message was that the sender somehow hacked my phone, recorded a video of me stroking off while watching adult-themed entertainment, and is going to send it to everyone in my contacts list.

Neat! “Thank you ol’ chap!” I thought to myself upon reading the missive. But the days and nights have passed. I occasionally ask my wife Gwendolyn or my cousin Cornelius if they’ve, ya know, heard or seen anything interesting. And there’s been nothing; not a peep! I’m starting to lose faith that the mystery sender will ever follow through with their grand promise.

Your word used to mean something. A promise; a contract. But it seems that nowadays, a pact is meaningless. I was excited for days! To be honest, I’ve worked very hard on improving my self-pleasuring form. My technique is top-notch. Distributing my accumulated knowledge in the carnal solo arts may be my ultimate lasting legacy.

I had planned to produce and record a very comparable piece of media for similar distribution, but the sheer cost of it all proved daunting. I had envisioned more of a Wes Anderson style of framing and editing, but something about the guerrilla handheld format of a hacked iPhone would lend its own indie edge.

The email did contain a little note at the bottom that if I paid $457.69 worth of Bitcoin that the sender would no longer share my life’s work. I’m fairly sure I didn’t make that payment because I don’t know what Bitcoin is.

So I continue to wait in agonizing anticipation. Every time my bedroom door opens, I hope it will be Gwendolyn with a look of amazement and wonder on her face. Oh, how long it’s been since I’ve seen a dazzle in her eyes.

Please, sir. If you’re out there. Please send her the video of me masturbating.

Ticketmaster Hits Charlie Bucket with $98.75 Service Fee for Finding Golden Ticket

Posted on by Ernie Dixon

WONKAVILLE — Lucky golden ticket winner Charlie Bucket, age 9, was surprised to find himself the recipient of a $98.75 bill from Ticketmaster Entertainment, Inc. for “service fees,” confirmed frustrated bed-ridden sources.

“I was so excited to visit Wonka’s factory, it’s been a dream of mine to see such a magical place,” said Bucket. “But my family couldn’t afford the service fee. Golly, I was so looking forward to eating a few delicious Zombobbly Wingers or whatever. I told the customer service representative about our problem and Ticketmaster sent someone to my house and threatened Grandma Josephine. This was supposed to be a fun trip full of whimsy, but it’s turned into an absolute nightmare before we even got to the front gates.”

William Wonka, proprietor of the Wonka Chocolate Factory, says that the scope of the contest necessitated the partnership with Ticketmaster.

“I needed to make sure that the tickets were shipped all over the world so that I could teach young children unnecessarily harsh lessons about life and hand my fortune over to one of them. Ticketmaster was the only company with the logistical capacity to do that,” said Wonka while concocting a new treat that would turn a child inside out as soon as they ate it. “Plus, they gave me an incredible deal on the golden tickets. I’m sorry young Charlie will be unable to visit the factory, but what can you do? I guess that’s one less unhinged death song the Oompa Loompas will be forced to sing during their lunch break.”

Ticketmaster representative Trisha Bartley maintains that the fees are nothing out of the ordinary, and are simply a part of doing business.

“We here at Ticketmaster love connecting our customers with the venues and artists they love by placing ourselves directly between them,” said Bartley. “Our service fees are a sign of our commitment to providing the best possible experience for those who can afford it. We wish the little Bucket boy the best and are saddened he is unable to meet the necessary requirements as set forth in our terms of service located clearly on the reverse of each golden ticket in size 2 font.”

At press time, Wonka was seen calling the police on a homeless man with a sign reading “I Need Golden Tickets.”

Every Pixies Album Ranked

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

Perhaps known just as much for pioneering the “loud-quiet-loud” song structure as they are for being cool to Nirvana for jacking that exact style and becoming much more popular with it, the Pixies are legends through and through. Today, we’re ranking all of their studio LPs, which, much like the game show, can be divided into simply “Deal or No Deal?” I know I’m no Howie Mandel (everyone’s always telling me this, and it’s getting old), but allow me to be your host for this one.

8. Doggerel (2022)

Well, you see…It’s a Pixies album that was released in two thousand twenty-two. Though they put up a valiant effort, and it’s certainly nice to see that the ol’ gang is still able to crank out a serviceable song or two, it’s just not up to snuff. We’re a long way from “Doolittle,” folks, and “Doggerel” lets you know it. Capturing that original Pixies magic is kind of like catching that dang roadrunner, it’s never going to happen and that’s okay.

Play it again: “Nomatterday”
Skip it: ‘Sadducee”

 

7. Indie Cindy (2014)

Hmmm, think positives, think positives…Oh! One thing we like about this album is it’s one of the only record titles we can think of that could ALSO be the name of a new Garbage Pail Kid. Guitarist Joey Santiago shines with a great riff here and there, but this works best as background noise. Put it on while you refinish the bathroom, you won’t be missing anything.

Play it again: “Greens and Blues”
Skip it: “Bagboy”

 

 

6. Beneath the Eyrie (2019)

Look, the fact is: any albums the Pixies released post- Kim Deal are justifiably held to a different standard. So, that being said, “Beneath the Eyrie,” as a Deal-less effort, goes in a lot of fun, sonic directions and is overall enjoyable. I realize I’m doing the Liz Lemon thing where she compliments Jenna’s play’s program font, and I’m alright with that. Drummer David Lovering is a magician in his off-time, and I don’t want to cross anyone that could make me disappear at a moment’s notice.

Play it again: “Catfish Kate” (Hey, another potential Garbage Pail Kid!)
Skip it: “Ready For Love”

5. Head Carrier (2016)

We like “Head Carrier,” and even considered ranking it up in the midst of the golden-age releases just to ruffle some feathers in the comments. But, let’s face it, our fans don’t need any extra prodding to do that, so here it will stay. It’s a bit more heavy on the pretty melodies, and light on the ferocity we know Black Francis is capable of (he even penned a pseudo-apology song to Kim Deal with “All I Think About Is Now.” What a sweetie!) but we’ll allow it. We may be The Hard Times, but we can also be the soft hearts.

Play it again: “Um Chagga Lagga”
Skip it: “Baal’s Back”

4. Trompe Le Monde (1991)

The first appearance of Kim Deal in this ranking, yahoo! Well, hold on a second…She’s in here somewhere, but unfortunately you couldn’t tell from “Trompe Le Monde’s” mixing! Maybe play with one of The Breeders’ albums simultaneously to get the full, classic Pixies experience. Aside from that, you’ve got Pixies in the autumn of their glory days with this one. It’s a hell of an album, despite or perhaps DUE to the fact that it verges into “circus music” territory more than once.

Play it again: “Alec Eiffel” (also listen to The Get Up Kids cover)
Skip it: Though it describes a lot of us, gotta go “The Sad Punk”

Honorable Mention: Come On Pilgrim (1987)

Technically not an LP, but a “Mini-LP” so we are going to include this as a bonus for all you Pix-heads out there. The Pixies’ maiden voyage was culled down from a 17-song demo, separating the wheat from the chaff (although, this is early Pixies so you KNOW that chaff must have been pretty good too.) Everything’s in place right from the get-go: Santiago’s twang, Lovering’s cocksure time-keeping and Francis & Deal’s intertwining vocals which will never be taken away from us as far as we, in 1987, know!

Play it again: “The Holiday Song”
Skip it: “I’ve Been Tired”

3. Bossanova (1990)

Ooo, baby, we’re deeeeep into the good stuff now! “Bossanova” may not be everyone’s third choice, but we think it rips. Chock full of what music scholars will henceforth call “Kids In the Hall-Core” riffs that would have Man or Astroman? frantically calling mission control. In contrast to its title, “Bossanova” rocks the hardest of any Pixies offering, and if we were going on pure adrenaline and energy, it could easily take the number one spot. But alas, “Surfer Rosa” and “Doolittle” exist.

Play it again: “Allison” (Hey, to quote Jello Biafra: “I Like Short Songs”)
Skip it: “All Over the World”

2. Surfer Rosa (1988)

A slab of wall-to-wall bangers that could very well have been #1 if the coin flip landed differently (we take our rankings VERY seriously.) Featuring Steve Albini’s iconic production that launched a thousand alt-rock ships, this record’s the red carpet, and every song on it is a star walking it. “Bone Machine”, “Gigantic”, “Cactus”…the list goes on and on. You can even picture Kurt Cobain as Salieri, listening to this like a Mozart symphony, and weeping out of a combination of joy AND sadness. Don’t worry Kurt, you’ll get yours.

Play it again: “River Euphrates,” “Gigantic” (anyone ‘90s skateboarder that watched 411 knows this one by heart)
Skip it: “Where Is My Mind?” (If you want to hear this song, simply watch a movie, TV show, or commercial.)

1. Doolittle (1989)

Duh-little. This album has it all. Honestly, you could just listen to “Debaser” and call it a day and it would still be a masterpiece. This is the album that cool older siblings should have been required by law to pass down to their younger brothers or sisters in order to make sure they were put on a good music trajectory. There is still time to act Congress, get off your asses and pass some common-sense Pixies legislation.

Play it again: Gotta go “Wave of Mutilation” but you can pretty much insert your favorite one here.
Skip it: I guess “Silver” but just so you can get to “Gouge Away” quicker

10 Franz Ferdinand Songs You Can Play to Remind Your Friends You Have a Degree in English

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Despite the best efforts from your friend group to dissuade you, you decided to dedicate four-plus years of your life to procure a Bachelor’s in English Literature. Now that the runner’s high of completing your degree has worn off, you’re probably wondering “how do I show my companions it was all worth it?” We’ve got you covered. If you’ve ever listened to Scotland’s dance-punk kings, Franz Ferdinand, you probably know that they’re huge fucking grammar nerds. We’ve compiled ten of their most pretentious-sounding songs that are practically begging for your analysis. You can finally put your degree to use and prove your friends wrong once and for all.

“Ulysses”

The title and themes of this track both reference James Joyce’s sprawling masterpiece ‘Ulysses.’ Of course, you already know this, having written your boring Master’s thesis on the 732 stream-of-consciousness behemoth during your final semester. You can spend most of this song talking about how you can’t believe your professor referred to it as ‘pedantic.’ Your guests will likely nod along while silently hoping the track’s final refrain of ‘you’re never going home’ isn’t some sort of cryptic threat.

“Dark of the Matinee”

This little ditty is a long-winded account of skipping class to make out with a newfound crush at a daytime showing of a movie we can only assume is pretentious. A rebellious act you were always too chicken-shit to commit when you were in college. While listening to this song, your friends are sure to be dazzled by your linguistic intellect when you abruptly pause it to explain the meaning of some of the track’s more high-brow words like ‘refectory’ and ‘corridor.’

“40′”

Some people claim this song is about someone contemplating their life before hurling themselves off a bridge. Others argue that it was written about a rumored ‘money pit’ in Nova Scotia that taunts excavators with treasure ‘forty feet below’ no matter how far they dig. You, on the other hand, took an Analysis of Poetry class. Thanks to your studies you can confirm that, without a doubt, the lyrics are much more complex than either of those interpretations. Your pals all have tech degrees, though, so it’s doubtful they’d understand.

“The Universe Expanded”

Many know you as the English buff of the group, but they always forget that you once got a C in Theoretical Physics to fulfill your Sciences requirement. While you didn’t retain much, the chorus of this song will certainly bring you back to what you’re pretty sure is a reference to the multiverse. Talk long enough on that subject, and at least three of your buddies will be so utterly mind-blown that they forget about all the money that you owe them.

“Twilight Omens”

English is serious business and nobody knows it quite like you. It’s not all stern faces and analysis, though. Words can also be fun! The second verse of this excellent cut from the band’s third album details the punching of a number into a calculator to spell out a ‘dirty word.’ You guessed it… it’s ‘boobs.’ Time to dust off your old TI-84 from that one Math course you had to take and wow your dinner party guests. They’ll not only be delighted with your amazing musical taste but your incredible humor as well.

“Jacqueline”

The opening track to Franz Ferdinand’s perfect debut album features a glaring grammatical error in which lead singer, Alex Kapranos, ends the introductory verse with a preposition. This didn’t bother you before, but now that you’re upwards of $50,000 in debt, it may as well be the bane of your existence. Feel free to spin this track and rant about how much the small detail bothers you. Chances are that your friends will just be relieved to have a break from hearing about your screenplay.

“Walk Away”

With a noir backing track that would suit a Bond film quite well, ‘Walk Away’ likens a melodramatic breakup to the horrors of World War II. Maybe your friends don’t know this, but like most English majors nearing their late thirties, you are becoming quite the WWII buff. That knowledge combined with your extensive ability to analyze song lyrics makes you quite the threat in regards to this song. Anyone who is actually willing to listen to you ramble about Stalin, Lenin, and the myriad of ways that evil ultimately wins when a good relationship grows cold will be riveted for hours after the final note plays.

“Darts of Pleasure”

In addition to this track being written about the sensuality of words, the outro is sung entirely in German. Many debate what the actual translation is, but most agree the line is “My name is Super-Fantastic. I drink champagne with salmon.” We don’t know about you, but that may be the hottest thing we’ve ever heard. You were so focused on English in your college years that you never bothered to learn a second language, so consider playing this track as an easy way to trick your loved ones into thinking you did. As a bonus, you’ll also be proving that English majors can be sexy.

“Lois Lane”

This one is more of a personal jam that you should maybe wait to put on until you have some privacy. You’ve reminded your friends that you are the pinnacle of literary excellence, but have you really checked in with yourself? This song will have you asking yourself the big questions like “should I have picked a reasonable degree?” and “can the written word really change the world?” Just be sure to stop the track before it gets to the outro about the “Over 30s Singles Night” because as Kapranos suggests, “it’s bleak.”

Mom Switching Laundry Loads During Band Practice “Not Even Here”

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

ADELPHI, Md. — Local Mom, Susan Campbell, informed her son’s band to keep playing and not to pay her any mind as she is just “throwing a load of linens in the dryer and isn’t really even here,” confirmed sources who feel weird playing in front of her.

“I tend to stay out of the boys’ way when they’re practicing, but the day kind of got away from me and you don’t want to leave damp sheets in the washer or they get that weird mildew smell that really sinks in,” the dental hygienist and mother of three reported. “I told them not to stop on my account and asked them if that was a new song because I didn’t think I had heard that one before. They said yes, but seemed kind of cagey. I guess it’s because they probably just see me as Billy’s uncool mom or something. I was that age once, I get it.“

Bill Campbell’s bandmates confirmed his mom’s version of events and added that the interaction kind of threw off band practice.

“Susan, she said we can call her that, came down and I thought maybe we were too loud or something, but she told us to keep practicing and that we ‘sound rockin’,’” remarked guitarist Jason Hughes. “She had on noise-canceling headphones, so she claimed she couldn’t really hear us. I was wondering if she was going to stick around and chat, but she just started the dryer and went back upstairs, and told us to have fun. Bill kind of winced when she called him ‘Billy Bear’ so at least we got something new to needle him about out of it.”

“It was kind of weird, though. I saw some of her underwear,” he added.

Experts note that this sort of interaction is so common it’s practically cliched.

“For kids like Billy, what makes this especially difficult is that his mother is nothing at all the way he’s led his bandmates to believe,” stated child psychologist Jill Levy. “Kids typically exaggerate normal parental behavior as being domineering and unfair, but for punks, it’s especially important for them to present an unstable homelife for the proverbial ‘cred’. As Ms. Campbell is clearly a supportive and positive presence in her son’s life, his facade has been destroyed and he’s been exposed as a poser who should probably leave town on the first train.”

At press time, Mrs. Campbell was calling from the top of the stairs to state they were having lasagna for dinner if his ‘friends” wanted to stay.