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New Water Bottle Hopefully First Step in New Lifestyle

BOULDER, Colo. — Local woman Berkley Bauer has reportedly bought another fancy new water bottle that is hopefully going to kickstart a whole new lifestyle, hesitant sources confirmed.

“I’m so excited. It has a built-in straw, it has measurement indicators on the side, and it even has an integrated filter! I just know this is the push I need. I’m finally going to start drinking more water and getting healthy. Maybe even hiking,” said Bauer. “And why stop there? This could be the start of me running ultra-marathons. Or just begin jogging and exercising for that matter. Then I could become a personal trainer to the stars after climbing Mount Everest. All thanks to my new $45 drinking receptacle. Now that I’ve had this thing on my desk for two days, I realize I must have been constantly dehydrated before. No wonder I wasn’t out there crushing it. I was dying of thirst, barely surviving.”

Casey Knapp, Bauer’s long-time partner, has a few concerns.

“I have seen so many water bottles come and go. Each would usher in a wave of fitness talk and an Amazon cart full of expensive activewear. I was hoping the last one, that monster 64-ounce water bottle, was it. But here we are again,” said Knapp. “I don’t even mind the delusional lifestyle talk. We’re just running out of space! These bottles are all indestructible, so I feel way too guilty to throw any away. I stash them all in a closet, but I don’t think I can fit one more. The fact that they all make the transition from health devices to ‘containers to sneak booze into theaters’ at some point makes them pretty hard to give away too. A used water bottle that smells like skunked Coors Light is a tough sell, even for free.”

Sincere Bradley, a local wellness coach, is not shocked by this story.

“I have two types of clients. The kind that are genuinely interested in improving their lives and well-being. And the kind that are very excited about a big trip to REI. And, of course, the water bottle is the highlight of their spending sprees,” said Bradley. “I’ve started thinking of them more as emotional support water bottles. They are not just vessels for hydrating liquid. They are containers for hopes and dreams. These dreams never come true, of course, but they keep paying while the hope lasts. So God bless ’em.”

At press time, Bauer was seen purchasing a cart full of reusable bags at Whole Foods after explaining that she forgot the bags she bought last time at home again.