Nobody Actually Knows What Post-Hardcore Is, But Here Are the Top Fifteen ’90s Post-Hardcore Bands Anyway

Despite what one may think, nobody, not even you, knows exactly what the hell post-hardcore is. Please stop lying. However, some of you, but not likely you, know what the hell the word “post” means. Please keep lying. Subsequent to your pondering, pandering, or any word starting with “P” regarding the sentences above, here is a question to commiserate over: Is post-hardcore a reaction to hardcore punk, or is it anything that came out after hardcore? Please don’t answer that. In the meantime, we implore you to kick your heels up, dine alone, and enjoy the handy dandy alphabetized top fifteen ‘90s post-hardcore bands that we are completely and totally wrong about below, or continue to solely listen to Crass, wanker(s):

At the Drive-In

El Paso, Texas has more than meth, fam. Forming in 1994, the year that punk broke, Western Texas’ own At the Drive-In put its own original stamp on the aggressive music world with a frenetic and sweaty bang, winning fan-by-fan over with their extremely buck wild live show and oft-difficult to pronounce song titles. The band released two full-length albums and four EPs this century before its 2000 break-out LP “Relationship of Command,” imploding shortly after, reforming, breaking up again, coming back together, and finally going on a possibly permanent hiatus in 2018. That’s a lot of skips on the record, but we still spin The Mars Volta more than Sparta.

Drive Like Jehu

Drive Like Jehu is easily the least major-label sounding band to cut a record for a huge conglomerate group, and that’s post-hardcore as all get out; up the post-hardcores! Essentially a San Diego punk rock supergroup consisting of Mark Trombino on drums, John “Swami” Reis of Rocket from the Crypt on lead guitar, and more, Drive Like Jehu put its own angular stamp on the genre with 1994’s never-hated-upon-record-even-by-your-bitter-ass “Yank Crime.” It certainly is criminal behavior that this LP was the band’s swan song, and even sadder that another one will never come out; R.I.P. to DLJ and Hot Snakes vocalist Rick Froberg, who passed away earlier this year.

Far

Real talk: Sacramento’s Far is tied for the most underrated band on any emo/post-hardcore list ever written along with the last band to be mentioned in this piece back and to the left. Scroll down any time that you want, Johnny! Anyway, forming in 1991, the year that grunge broke, Far released four LPs and one EP in the ‘90s to a lot of underground acclaim. However, despite the group releasing two of its albums on a major label, not many outside of the post-hardcore scene heard the group. 1998’s “Water & Solutions” is a masterpiece, and we don’t use that word unless we mean it; stop overusing superlatives, dweebs. In closing, Far created the ultimate post-hardcore blueprint record that sadly got an abundance of high praise a tad too late. Such is the system.

Fugazi

Rising from the ashes of ‘80s post-hardcore forefathers Rites of Spring and Embrace, the latter of which came from the legendary and incomparable Minor Threat, Washington, D.C.’s revered four-piece Fugazi formed in 1986, and released its first full-length in 1990. If you claim post-hardcore-DIY-till-you-die credibility, you’re obnoxious by trade and definition, but certainly know that it is illegal and punishable by hourly ridicule to spout a negative word about this band, and we are more than cool with such smug elitism and rigid rules for being a punk. Every single popular rock group that you truly, truly hate claims and namechecks Fugazi as a major influence in more ways than one, leading to the questions, “Why?” and “How?” Shut the door.

Helmet

The band’s band Helmet formed in NYC in 1989, and released its first four critically acclaimed full-lengths in the ‘90s to modest sales and an ardently loyal fan base. Still, like pretty much all of the fifteen rock and roll groups on this here list, Helmet should be as large as its influence is, even if you despise some or all of the early-aughts rapping goons in white tank tops. If you’re reading this post-hardcore piece, you likely do, cool kid.

Hum

If you like a large side of atmospheric space with your generous ‘90s post-hardcore helping, then Champaign, Illinois’ Hum is for both you and Tom Hanks’ character in Apollo 13. The band reunited in 2020 for a record just after Covid took the airwaves, but released four albums from 1991-1998, the last two of which are classics to both hipsters and alternative rock heads. Although we hate the stupid, smelly, and just plain rude word “shoegaze” for more than fifteen reasons, Hum is a Mount Rushmore act in that immaturely named genre. Come home soon.

Jawbox

When the first of two bands listed here starting with “Jaw” known as Jawbox broke up, some of its members formed a band called Burning Airlines. There is a joke below about this clever statistic in the next section that is so witty, you are gonna plotz. Anyway, Washington, D.C.’s Jawbox released all four of its full-lengths in the 1990s to hardcore Dischord Record fans and major label rock heads, if the latter one is a thing. Jawbox had a strong influence amongst bands as well, as their catchy single “Savory” from 1994’s “For Your Own Special Sweetheart” was covered by the aforementioned Far and the-influenced-by-all-bands-listed-above-and- below-and-illegal-to-dislike Deftones. In a weird and unpredictable flex, the band played its first show since its 1997 breakup on “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” in 2009 before splitting up again, and reforming ten years later. We’re still scratching our heads at that one.

Jawbreaker

When the second of two bands listed here starting with “Jaw” known as Jawbreaker broke up, one of its members formed a band called Jets to Brazil. Jets to Brazil. Burning Airlines. Jawbreaker. Jawbox. Coincidence? Possibly the largest band on this list, Jawbreaker released three independent record favorites before its final and most hated major label 1995 album “Dear You” pissed off punk rock fans more than The Offspring ever could. Proving that all things must pass, the same posers who scoffed at said record that broke up the band now sing its praises en masse. We see you, oysters. Who’s punk? What’s the score?

Orange 9mm

Like we mentioned in the intro, knowing our extremely intelligent and never critically off-base audience, all fifteen bands listed here suck ass and/or don’t fit the post-hardcore mold, in any way, shape, or form. However, this one may top the list of our questionable gaffes. Our bad. You’re good. Fugazi isn’t the only band listed here to rise from the ashes of a notable hardcore punk group, as Orange 9mm featured a former member of Burn, an underground cult favorite NYHC aggressive act. Also, Orange 9mm brought a different swag and groove to the sometimes uniform post-hardcore world, and it’s tragic that the band didn’t last that long. Plus, the band has a song called “Toilet”.

Quicksand

All hail Walter Schreifels from every single rock band that ever formed prior to and post-post-hardcore not listed here! You’re a gem. If you like Walter’s older act Gorilla Biscuits but wished that they were a tad more metal with a far less posi vocalist, then Quicksand is the act for you, but you already knew that! If not, why are you here? Not cool, bro(s). Anyway, acclaimed indie label Iodine Records recently repressed Quicksand’s debut major-label 1993 studio album “Slip” on vinyl and post-hardcores across the globe that likely don’t own a record player rejoiced. Head to wall.

Refused

Much like the Orange 9mm, the unintentionally listed number 9 act mentioned above, this might be a more polarizing entry due to its strong influence on nu-metal and other things you hate, but we don’t care: Refused rocks harder than you and you’re not as post-hardcore as you think you are, pleeb. Possibly the most revered album on this list, 1998’s “The Shape of Punk to Come” was an accurate and strong sonic statement, but the band didn’t get to taste the fruits of its collective labors as it disbanded later that very year. The fact that the group literally refused (low, low hanging fruit) to make new noise (even lower, lower hanging fruit) together again till 2012, fourteen years later, is a travesty. Go ahead, give yourself permission to scream, and watch the scene in 2004’s “Friday Night Lights” film that features “New Noise” if you don’t believe us.

Sense Field

For those of you who need a wallop of sensitivity with your rough-around-the-edges post-hardcore, then do we have the band for you: Sense Field. The word “sweet” doesn’t get justifiably mentioned enough with acts of this ilk, but Jon Bunch’s smooth vocals definitely provide some sugar and smiles to the regular aggressive music listener. Fiesta. Releasing three full-lengths in the ‘90s, the band didn’t have much commercial and radio success until the following decade with 2001’s “Save Yourself,” but the group broke up not too long after. This section of the article doesn’t contain much wit or humor as Bunch left this world in 2016. Thankfully, the band’s material got a new lease on life, especially 1996’s brilliant “Building,” which, in light of things, you should spin right now.

Shades Apart

We’re wrong. This is a straight up punk band. Actually, you’re wrong. This is a post-hardcore act in a straight up punk world. Save it. Like the band mentioned in the last section and one yet-to-be-mentioned later, the power trio known as Shades Apart was an integral part of the highly influential Revelation Records roster. Try saying those last three words starting with “R” five times fast; spoiler alert: you can’t. Showing that the band is so much more than their rockin’ “Tainted Love” cover, spin the band’s final Revelation Records LP, 1997’s “Seeing Things” from beginning-to-end and immediately put on 1999’s Universal Records’ major label debut “Eyewitness” for all twelve tracks. Thank you, New Jersey! Thank you, New Jersey?

Shellac

Listen to “In Utero”. If you don’t understand this reference, stop reading this right now and reevaluate your rock cred on Google just before shitting yourself. If you do, stop reading this article right now and book a session with Steve Albini to record your awful band, as he won’t take any royalties! Ready to move on? Good! Shellac’s 1994 LP “At Action Park” is a noisy post-hardcore album that is a solid combo of two acts referenced above, Drive Like Jehu and Quicksand. It is also quite similar to an early-90s trip to New Jersey’s dangerous and surprisingly popular Action Park; watch 2020’s painful and wtf-worthy documentary “Class Action Park” if you don’t believe us. Furthermore, the awesome trio known as Shellac should be called Shred-lac. Yeah.

Texas is the Reason

Along with entry number three, the aforementioned (and a-far-mentioned) Far, the band known as Texas is the Reason should’ve been much, much bigger than the four-piece actually was. Sadly, the group released just one album before calling it a day one year after its release, and in a crazy twist of fate, the band was just about to sign with Capitol fucking Records for a follow-up (and more). How post-hardcore is that? Damn the man. To end this piece on an upper, 1996’s “Do You Know Who You Are?” is unquestionably (get it?) a perfect album from track one to nine, and is the highest selling LP on Revelation Records, every little girl’s dream.

Trivia Nut Can Name All 4 Members of Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

CUMBERLAND, Md. — Self-described “trivia nut” Nick Fostenbury believed he correctly identified the four members of the folk-rock band Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young at a local quiz night, sources who wondered why they still invite him confirmed.

“Anything like this is right in my wheelhouse. I knew immediately I had to commandeer the answer sheet before anyone else screwed it up,” said Fostenbury, with a laugh. “One, Bing Crosby. Two, Jake Stills. Three, Steve Nash. Four, Carl Young — who I think was their drummer, if I’m not mistaken. You could wake me up at four a.m. and ask me that. This was almost as easy as when they asked the question ‘Who is the lead singer of Dave Matthews Band?’ Everyone knows it’s Jason Mraz.”

Fostenbury’s teammates appeared confused and slightly vexed by his insistence on answering what seemed to be a prank question by the quizmaster.

“I think it was the way he motioned for the golf pencil that irritated me most,” said Amanda Kern, who’s played for the Wundermen since 2019. “Nick has this attitude, like, ‘You newbs, step aside.’ And then he gets almost everything wrong. And he’s so condescending about it. He’s literally told me that I don’t know anything. Sometimes he uses his phone under the table to do what he calls ‘a little light research.’ He thinks he’s pretty clever, but we can all hear the keyboard typing clicks on his iPhone. He’s probably the only person that still has that sound on like it’s 2011.”

Quizmaster Jed Alderman admitted to turning a blind eye to Fostenbury’s antics.

“The thing is, even with Nick attempting to Google every answer under the table, he still gets most of the questions wrong,” said Alderman, who’s run Quiz Night since 2012. “That Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young question was a joke. In fact, I was about to say, ‘just kidding’ until I saw how serious he was about it. I figured let it go. The Wundermen never win anyway. Mostly because of Nick. His team usually figures out the correct answer when deliberating, but Nick somehow always talks them into going with the wrong one. He’s a cancer for any trivia team.”

At press time, Fostenbury was seen wrestling the pencil away from his teammates, arguing that Guam isn’t a U.S. territory but in fact the capital of Singapore.

5 Nu-Metal Songs That Will Make You Flip Off Your Boss Behind Their Back

You ever have one of those bosses that is just an all-around butthead? You know the type. The type of boss that’ll tell you to put down your Living Dead Dolls or that Godsmack’s “I Stand Alone” is not the national anthem.

Well, if you find yourself working for a normie who simply misunderstands you, at some point you’re probably going to find yourself in a situation where you’re reprimanded. And you’re inevitably going to retaliate by waiting for them to turn around to walk away, and then give them one hell of a middle finger.

Here are 5 nu-metal songs that are basically the music version of flipping off someone who has power over you behind their back.

Dope “Die, Motherfucker, Die”

While you obviously don’t want your boss, or anyone for that matter, to “Die, motherfucker, die,” you do, however, most certainly want them to freak off. This song should help set the tone nicely.

KoRn “Y’all Want a Single”

Y’all want a copy on your desk by Friday? Say FUCK that. This song will play in your mind during the seconds between when you’ve profusely apologized for your totally reasonable error and when your boss’ back is fully turned. It’ll amp you up perfectly for the moment when your finger birds start chirping.

Drowning Pool “Bodies”

Once again, while not wanting to cause actual harm to anyone, you do want them to know you mean business. If you’re not flicking off your boss while he isn’t looking, then perhaps you could address your issues with him by reciting a list of them starting with “one” and working your way up to “NOOOWWWWW!?”

Saves on Dope “Pushing Me”

Anytime a boss threatens you with a write up just because you showed up to work again in a fishnet shirt instead of your Target uniform, this song will get you pumped up to write something mean about them on the bathroom stall.

Trapt “Headstrong”

This could possibly be the quintessential “I cope with my anger unhealthily” song. Whether you’re giving someone the bird but you have no intentions of them seeing it, or you’re looking to start drunken fistfights at the county fair’s beer tent, seldom does a nu-metal band invoke this level of dirt-baggery like Trapt.

We Put on a Sweater Vest and a Pair of Thick Rimmed Glasses to Rank the Top 50 Emo Songs of the ‘90s While We Looked Up Our Ex From High School on Facebook

Emo is a lot like pornography – it’s hard to define but you know it when you see it. There’s also a lot of fake moaning and screaming involved. Also the term “ten-inch vinyl” comes into play. And when it’s over you feel empty and sad on the inside. What were we talking about again? Right, emo. That word sure has gone through the wringer. You’ve most likely been berated at some point by some scene elder for listening to My Chemical Romance because it’s not “real emo.”

Well, we’re not here today to be judgy and get into what is or is not real emo. But we are going to rank the top emo songs of the ‘90s and why this era is way better than My Chemical Romance which isn’t real emo. Shit, I guess we are the scene elders now.

Anyway, we devised a very scientific list of criteria that we can’t get into but let’s just say if it has an old-timey photo with typewriter font it probably made the list. So now that I broke out this sweater vest from storage which weirdly seems tighter in the mid-section than I remember and also put on thick-framed glasses that have actual prescription lenses in them now for my astigmatism, let’s get into it.

50. Mohinder “To Satisfy”

I used to work with a guy named Mohinder who would look at his watch when I got to work and just say “Late.” That guy was an asshole so I’m hoping this band wasn’t named after him.

49. The Jazz June “Rich Kid Shakedown”

What was it about jazz that was so fascinating to emo kids? Was it the cool vintage aesthetics of the album covers or the fact that jazz musicians could actually play their instruments? Anyway, this song is super catchy and is in no way jazz.

48. Penfold “I’ll Take You Everywhere”

These guys were definitely let’s just say “inspired” by Mineral. Kinda like how GoBots were “inspired” by Transformers (We’re talking about songs from the ‘90s and referencing toys from the ‘80s because we’re old as fuck.) We’ll give Penfold a pass on the imitation because this song is good.

47. Portraits of Past “Bang Yer Head”

Whoever first came up with the term “screamo” must’ve felt pretty good about themselves for how clever they are. I guess Portraits of Past would be considered screamo but this song breaks it up a bit it with some mid-tempo melodies.

46. Bleed “Deadlikeus”

What’s better than having an off-key screaming frontman doing temper-tantrum vocals? Having TWO off-key screaming frontmen doing temper-tantrum vocals! Extra points awarded because this split 7” with Chain To Thread came in the emo staple — the manilla envelope cover.

45. The Appleseed Cast “Marigold & Patchwork”

Cover art shouldn’t really be a deciding factor when ranking songs but I’ll be honest I really hate the cover for this album. That art class drawing of a sad boy just staring at you feels a little low effort and just too on the nose for an emo record. That said, if you close your eyes and don’t look at it this song is pretty good.

44. Ribbon Fix “Some Saturday”

Soft female vocals paired with the male screamer were a well-worn trope that sometimes worked and sometimes did not. Ribbon Fix however flips it a bit and Andi Camp’s vocals get more aggressive and aren’t just the pretty counterpart to some guy screaming.

43. Brandston “Blindspot”

This sounds like the soundtrack to sitting inside all day on a Saturday with nowhere to go and no one to see. Which honestly now as a withering old adult sounds fantastic but when you’re young and actually have the desire to interact with other human beings it’s the worst. Or at least I would assume so since I can’t even remember that far back.

42. Moss Icon “I’m Back Sleeping, Or Fucking, Or Something”

Uh-oh, I can already hear the “Um, actually…” crowd furiously typing away to let us all know that this song was technically first released in 1987 and not actually in the ‘90s. I bet most people first heard it on “Lyburnum Wits End Liberation Fly” in 1993 though. Also, I don’t really give a shit. This song deserves to be on this list either way.

41. Joan of Arc “The Hands”

The first of many appearances by the Kinsella brothers on this list. After Cap’n Jazz ended brother Tim started up Joan of Arc and dialed down the goofiness of the Cap’n a bit but kept things pretty lighthearted. If I had to nitpick I would say I don’t love whatever that “boing” sound is that permeates this song.

40. Ashes “Sometimes”

Oh, here we go again. More pretty female vocals with a dude screaming. These dreamboats swooped into the mid-’90s hardcore scene and stole everyone’s hearts with their big pants and X’s on their hands.

39. Walleye “Episode”

This song starts off with the line “Drank myself into a stupor last night trying to escape my demons” and I know exactly what they mean. I myself had half a glass of Pinot Grigio last night because my Amazon shipment for my weighted blanket is late.

38. Godspeed “April”

No, this is not Godspeed You! Black Emperor. After Turning Point broke up a few members started a spin-off project and went all in on the emo that TP had been dabbling with on their last release. RIP Skip Candelori.

37. Falling Forward “Character”

This is the band Chris Higdon was in before forming Elliott and this definitely sounds like a rough sketch of what Elliott would sound like. This is a song hardcore dudes would play for their non-hardcore girlfriends as like a gateway song to try to get them into hardcore.

36. Rainer Maria “Tinfoil”

The vocals here work way better when they are harmonizing but falter a bit on their own. I do really appreciate the use of the word “goddamit” in the chorus though. I can’t think of another song that has it in the lyrics. Sure, it would’ve been easier to drop a few f-bombs in there but “goddammit” has a nice vintage charm to it.

35. Still Life “Sometimes”

The second song on the list with the name “Sometimes.” A lot of Sill Life’s songs seemed to meander a bit and lose the plot but this stays on course with driving guitar hooks and punchy singalong parts.

34. Rye Coalition “Algebra of Need”

Rye Coalition probably falls a little outside the realm of emo on most of their material but this song feels pretty damn emo. They also scooped Refused by stealing this vintage jazz cover design 4 years before The Shape of Punk To Come came out.

33. Samuel “Lives of Insects”

Samuel was like Velocity Girl but for cool people. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were approached by major labels about signing since every label in the mid-’90s wanted their own version of Letters To Cleo.

32. Hoover “Electrolux”

Oh yeah, now we’re talking. A heavily distorted bassline that chugs along in an odd time signature? When you say it out loud doesn’t sound like it’s going to be emo but it surely is. I hate to be the cranky old man but they just don’t make ‘em like this anymore.

31. Anasarca “Eugene Debs”

Listening to this you can almost visualize a room full of dudes with Spock haircuts in tight ironic thrift store t-shirts rolling around on the floor screaming. Unlike a lot of the other screamo bands at the time who would just serve up a screeching wall of noise, these guys have some groove to their songwriting with some interesting dynamics and even a few guitar leads.

CEO-Funded Study Finds Working From Home Makes Your Dick Smaller

NEW YORK — New research funded by Fortune 500 CEOs revealed that improving work-life balance will decrease the size of your schlong, which prompted many business leaders to encourage you to go back to the office right now.

“We’ve already said that working from home is bad for your health and career, and if that’s not enough to get you back, then guess what? It also makes your pecker tiny and useless,” said Goldman Sachs CEO David Solomon, who helped commission the study by tossing a duffel bag of money to some researchers in a parking lot. “We worked with a sample size of five dudes we found smoking in a Target parking lot, and the study found that your penis shrinks one inch for every hour of life you get back by working remotely. Some dicks disappeared entirely. Come back, because we care about your manhood. This has nothing to do with real estate investments, or fears that giving workers independence makes us less rich.”

Workers responded by suddenly jumping on the “return to office” train..

“I wasn’t concerned when studies said that working from home negatively impacts mental health, but I can’t risk suddenly waking up with a chode down there,” reported project manager Benjamin Hayes. “I usually get frustrated when CEOs comment on remote work. They assume we’re napping and smoking weed all day, when really we’re using our extra scraps of time to do chores. But once my Johnson gets involved, it’s a different ballgame. My wife will also return to the office, so I won’t catch any second-hand dick-shrinking effects from her.”

In a press briefing, President Biden stressed his commitment to keeping workers’ dongs big and swinging.

“It’s essential that people return to the office to retain the size of their cocks, Jack. Our economy depends on people putting on their dumb little button-down shirts and driving to work in a dangerous sleep-deprived state each morning. So get back out there and choke on traffic fumes in a depressing sea of cars, wondering why our species bothered to evolve and come out of the ocean for this,” said Biden. “Your girth depends on it. Also, we have nothing else to do with these office buildings. We’ve put people on the moon, but turning office space into much-needed affordable housing is just too hard.”

At press time, CEOs recommend relieving stress by blowing what little money is available on some new business casual clothing.

Every The Cramps Album Ranked Worst to Best

The more rock interviews you read, the more you start to notice the almighty Cramps popping up, Forrest Gump-like, in an insane number of notable figures’ musical trajectories. Like that first Velvet Underground album before them, attending a Cramps live show ignited interest in pursuing the punk lifestyle in such folks like Ian MacKaye, John Dwyer, and even Big Star’s Alex Chilton. Chances are, if you’re reading this, Lux and Ivy’s psoothing, pscintillating psychobilly has comfortably dug its claws deep into you too, so today we’re ranking all their studio albums (so cue everyone’s “No Bad Music For Bad People??” “This is Gravest Hits erasure and I won’t stand for it” comments in 3…2…) Enjoy!

8. Look Mom No Head! (1991)

Honestly, it’s tough picking the worst Cramps album. They’re so consistently the SAME that it’s a real chore to consider what’s the bottom of the barrel (or in their case, dynamite powderkeg) “Look Mom No Head” fills the role though, in just being the most “more of the same” offering they ever served up. But, there are positives: An Iggy Pop appearance on “Miniskirt Blues” is fun, where he trades snotty vocals with Interior like two kids on the playground. Poison Ivy really cooks on tracks like “Eyeballs in my Martini.” Lux livens up his standard yowy-growly vocals by sometimes sounding like a wayward Cookie Monster who requires his cookies with a side of hooch. But, overall this one’s as “computer, load up a Cramps album” as they come.

Play It Again: “Dames, Booze, Chains and Boots”
Skip It: “Hardworking Man” is unfortunately a far cry from the original off the “Blue Collar” soundtrack.

7. Fiends of Dope Island (2003)

Hey, a middling Cramps album is still a Cramps album, damn it! “Fiends of Dope Island” is what ended up being the final Cramps record before the passing of Lux Interior, and it’s a credit to the group that they can still sound the same as ever after all those years. Convincingly aping juvenile delinquents while theoretically being able to use a senior citizen discount has gotta be difficult, but Lux and Ivy make it look easy. If you can ignore the lame ChatGPT-vibes cover art, this is a more-than-respectable final transmission from one of rock’s most enduring oddballs…but c’mon, we’re not going to put it above second-to-last place!

Play It Again: “Wrong Way Ticket”
Skip It: “Doctor Fucker, M.D”

6. A Date With Elvis (1986)

Recorded after a far-too-long label dispute, “A Date with Elvis” shows the Cramps’ interests turning from the trash-horror subject matter of their infancy, to the trash-sexploitation stuff that would guide them through the rest of their careers, as if they started hanging out with a different crowd in the summer break between elementary and middle school. Highlights this go-round are that we finally get to hear Poison Ivy sing a little bit (delightfully off-key) on “Kizmiaz” and “Get Off the Road,” and it’s interesting to see a real concerted emphasis on jacked-up country/western with songs like “Cornfed Dames.” But, unlike a real date with Elvis Presley, this unfortunately won’t leave you feeling quite as satisfied as a belly full of Monte Cristos.

Play It Again: “The Hot Pearl Snatch”
Skip It: “It’s Just That Song” should be titled “It’s Just That Slog”

5. Big Beat From Badsville (1997)

Another batch of tunes that would make John Waters weep with trashy joy, “Big Beat From Badsville” proves yet again that the Cramps didn’t mess with their successful formula. With a tracklist that includes more animal songs than a Raffi concert (come to think of it, what a shame we never got a Cramps rendition of “Baby Beluga”) Badsville historically remains the only Cramps LP to consist of entirely original material. And for a band that clings to their covers more than a kid who thinks there’s a monster under the bed, we take our hats off to them!

Play It Again: “It Thing Hard On” absolutely RIPS
Skip It: “Monkey With Your Tail”

4. Stay Sick! (1990)

An apt title to say the least, this one’s sick indeed! The last album with their incredibly stoic drummer Nick Knox, the Cramps burst down the door of the ‘90s full force with “Stay Sick!” The band is in absurdly fine form, with “God Damn Rock ‘n Roll” sounding like they’re snidely turning that one Bob Seger track upside down and dangling it over a highway overpass. Ivy’s production is appropriately ‘50s drenched, and she makes Interior sound exactly like he’s using exclusively those rectangular “crooner” style microphones the entire time. Good luck swallowing one of those, Lux!

Play It Again: “Bikini Girls with Machine Guns”
Skip It: “Everything Goes”

3. Psychedelic Jungle (1981)

Coming to the Cramps for nuance is like going to a pet store for airline tickets, and while their second album is light on variety (let’s face it, most Cramps albums are and we love them for it), it more than makes up in pure slimy style. Every track oozes effortlessly into the next one, proving you don’t need to play at a breakneck pace to break necks (you can break them from nodding “hell yeah” too much in this case.) Plus, it even doles out sage advice in the process…I mean, you really shouldn’t eat stuff off the sidewalk…Thanks, Lux ‘n Ivy!

Play It Again: “Goo Goo Muck”
Skip It: “Jungle Hop” (Look up the Don & Dewey original instead)

2. Flamejob (1994)

It’s certainly apt that Flamejob is packed with its fair share of automotive songs, because it absolutely makes you want to crank up while hauling ass down the open highway. Incorporating some hauntingly faithful covers like “Strange Love,” and their take on “Route 66” that sounds uncannily like something you’d hear while being shuffled out of a dive bar at last call, with pint glasses sneakily tucked into your pockets. There’s just something about “Flamejob” that edges it over ‘Psychedelic Jungle,” and if you don’t agree, who cares – we’re already 30 miles down the road in a cloud of dust.

Play It Again: “Sado County Auto Show”
Skip It: “Ultra Twist” but only because you should watch the clip of them performing it on Conan O’Brien instead.

1. Songs the Lord Taught Us (1980)

The Cramps burst (or, rather, slithered) onto the scene with this incredible collection of electrified sleaze that cemented them as punk mainstays. Inventing psychobilly seemingly without batting an eye, they throw the ultimate party with a guest list teeming with werewolves, zombies, sanitation trucks…the gang’s all here! Somehow they managed to dumb down a Sonics song even further, which is a salutable feat in anyone’s book. “Songs the Lord Taught Us” may have been named ironically, but if you ask us, there’s no question that this record is sent from heaven.

Play It Again: If you don’t get “Garbage Man” stuck in your head every time you drag those cans to the curb, I don’t know what to tell you.
Skip It: Look, we’re running out of cute ways to say “Don’t skip any tracks on this one” for these things, so let’s just play the whole album and enjoy ourselves, shall we?

We have more reporting on The Cramps that you should read:

After 30 Plus Years, Captain Planet Finally Just Says “Fuck It, We’re Toast”

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Superhero and crusader for the environment Captain Planet is reportedly ready to throw in the towel on his quest to conserve nature’s infinite beauty, several smog-induced hacking sources report.

“I used everything you people love to warn you that we’ll be fucked if we didn’t start taking climate change seriously,” a very frustrated Captain Planet said. “I had a TV show, a catchy theme song, plenty of merchandising, but no, you still continued not giving a shit. You just had to drive your big trucks, just had to have your cheap factory farm meat, and just couldn’t live without your precious gas stoves. Fuck it, we deserve this. The Planeteers are all assholes now anyways and sold out to big oil years ago, so extra fuck them.”

Gaia’s orderly Gretchen McDaniels expressed concern about the painful toll Captain Planet’s giving up has taken on the Mother of Earth.

“Gaia had been in poor health for several decades, but ever since the Captain lost all interest in saving the planet, her health took a dramatic turn for the worse. No one wants to see their kid abandon all hope like that,” McDaniels explained. “Now she’s on life support, and we’re not sure how much longer she’ll make it. And I’m not sure how all of us are going to pull through when the preserver of harmony, peace and life on Earth passes.”

Professor of Cartoon Propaganda at Harvard University Dr. Herbert Eastman expects to see more apathetic educational characters come forward.

“Unfortunately, when all that fame and fortune ran out for some of these PSA cartoon characters, so did their ability to give a shit,” Dr. Eastman explained. “The most recent and possibly the most tragic story of them all is that of Smokey the Bear. The dude warned us repeatedly about forest fires, but it seemed like a big joke to everyone. After not being taken seriously, Smokey said ‘to hell with it’ years ago and now look, the entire planet is on fire. He even wore pants out of decency, he didn’t have to do that, he’s a bear.”

At press time, Captain Planet was spotted looking for other planets that aren’t “festering shitholes” to protect, and eventually call home.

Punk Living in Car Not Sure if He Needs Auto or Homeowners Insurance

SCHENECTADY, N.Y. — Local punk John “Cancerbreath” O’Connor wasn’t quite sure if he needed auto or homeowners insurance to live in his 1987 Dodge Omni, confused sources confirmed.

“Look, I know insurance isn’t ‘punk fucking rock’ or whatever, but when you’ve been kicked out of as many apartments, squats, hotels, motels, and flophouses as me, you gotta protect what you still got at all costs, even though I only have a few blankets to my name,” said O’Connor while washing his hands with windshield wiper fluid. “But is this a car I live in? Or a house I drive? Fuck if I know. If it’s my house, it means I don’t need a license, which is great news because I don’t have one anyway. Home and/or car ownership is very complicated.”

Janice Mangiacapre, an auto insurance specialist with The General, explains what policy O’Connor needs and why.

“Apparently, the car doesn’t run. It sits on cinder blocks, there’s a kitchen in the goddamn trunk, and the spare tire is now a throw pillow. This guy can think it’s a house all he wants, but John’s absolute abortion of an automobile is technically still a car and therefore required by New York state law to have at least liability coverage,” Mangiacapre clarified. “While the monthly premium of our most basic policy far exceeds the value of his sad ass vehicle, at The General we believe you can’t put a price on peace of mind — even if you drive a piece of shit.”

Liberty Mutual property insurance appraiser and one-time car dweller Earl Fung sees O’Connor’s situation differently.

“I was super excited to hear what John has done with his place,” said Fung. “Full gut renovation. Removed the seats, dash, and door panels, and transformed the interior into a one bed, no bath studio. All furnished by the Big Lots! dumpster he’s parked behind. I thought I was clever when I put a doorbell in my Daewoo. This guy turned the sunroof into a doggy door for neighborhood strays. I was honored to tell John his residence meets the minimal criteria for a homeowners insurance policy. Dodge Omni? More like The Omni Hotel!”

At press time, it was discovered that O’Connor’s car-turned-house is actually stolen, which only qualifies O’Connor for jail time, but he was excited to at least have a roof over his head that didn’t require an insurance policy.

Uncovered Diaries Reveal Johnny Cash Was Initially Planning to Cover “Closer”

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Recently discovered diaries from the late country music legend Johnny Cash show he was first hoping to record a rendition of Nine Inch Nails’ provocative single “Closer” instead of “Hurt,” sources confirmed.

“This is a truly stunning development,” said Johnny Cash Museum representative Tasha Elridge about the diaries, which have been authenticated and were donated anonymously by a relative of Cash. “While Johnny’s rendition of ‘Hurt’ stands as one of his greatest achievements in a career full of them, this chapter in his story has now been forever altered by the knowledge that he was first outlining a version of the song arguably best known for the ‘I wanna fuck you like an animal’ line. In fact, ‘Hurt’ to appeared to be his fourth choice after ‘Head Like a Hole’ and ‘March of the Pigs.’ Almost like he never even wanted to cover ‘Hurt’ in the first place.”

Further confirmation regarding the validity of the diary entries, dated between May and August 1997, was given by Nine Inch Nails founding member Trent Reznor.

“I thought it’d be best to keep this to myself. But now the cat’s out of the bag,” said Reznor. “Johnny reached out to me about how he’d been working out a version ‘Closer’ on a Martin DX. He even played a little for it over the phone when we were on the ‘Fragility’ tour. Even over the crackly landline static, you could tell it was something special. And he understood that just because it’s a song that references sex, that doesn’t make it a ‘sex song.’ I really wish we could’ve gotten a proper version. Instead, Maroon 5 covered it, which made me regret ever writing it.”

Though Cash’s cover of “Closer” remains unrealized and unrecorded, many have offered speculation about it and the impact it would presumably have.

“Based on available data we have regarding Johnny Cash covers of Nine Inch Nails songs we can safely assume that his take on ‘Closer’ would be fraught with the same end-of-life solemnity as ‘Hurt.’ Though perhaps not,” said associate Pitchfork editor Adam Balsewicz. “After all, he did that little known cover of Baha Men’s ‘Who Let the Dogs Out’ that was even more rowdy than the original just before he passed. That man was a total enigma.”

At press time, the subsequent discovery of S&M clothing and paraphernalia by Cash’s estate indicated he was also planning to recreate the song’s video.

The 5 Best and, Unfortunately for Everyone Involved, the 5 Worst Releases on Revelation Records

Sitting down to rank the best albums from one of the most iconic labels in hardcore sounded like a great idea. But wait! Wouldn’t it be HILARIOUS if we also spent our valuable time combing through the lesser-known Rev back catalog to find the absolute dregs of musical existence and rank those as well? The good news is there isn’t a shortage of material to work with, the bad news is we found the bad shit and had to listen to it all.

The Best

 

5. Into Another “Ignaurus” (1994)

When Into Another first arrived on the scene in 1991 with their self-titled album on Revelation most everyone took one look at their long hair and their shiny shirts and gave it a hearty “Nah, I’m good.” It wasn’t really until “Ignaurus” came out and their sound came together that people really started to take notice. If you can hear that opening chord ringing out in “Drowning” with the running bass and drum lines and you don’t want to do that hand-waiving, side-stutter mosh thing that all the kids were doing back then there is something wrong with you.
 
Play it again: “Drowning”
Skip it: “Two Snowflakes” Has there ever been a song with the word “séance” in it that is good?

4. Quicksand “Self-Titled” 7” (1990)

This supergroup of sorts formed from the fallout of several NYHC bands and released this 7” that seemingly invented a new genre. The slower, drop-D grooves must have ruffled some feathers when it first came out but goddamn does it still hold up to this day. And yes, you could probably draw a straight line from this to something like Breaking Benjamin or any of those early 2000’s Matrix-core bands but you can’t really blame Quicksand for letting that post-hardcore genie out of the bottle.
 
Play it again: “Clean Slate” The one song they didn’t re-record for “Slip”
Skip it: “Hypno Jam With Dan” Probably seemed like a good idea at the time

3. Judge “Bringin’ It Down” (1989)

At the height of posi “society is fucked because of drugs but let’s plaster on a fake smile and pretend we’re all friends” hardcore, these dudes came along to drop some hard truths. This was the soundtrack for a generation of straight edge kids who fantasized about smashing in the face of those partying popular kids in their high school and is really a precursor to the militant X DRUG FREE X chugga bands that would dominate the ‘90s.
 
Play it again: “Give It Up”
Skip it: Trying to pull off the construction-gloves-with-X’s-on-them look

2. Inside Out “No Spiritual Surrender” (1990)

Before Vic Dicara became the angriest Krishna alive and formed 108 and also before Zach de la Rocha started up some rap metal band, there was Inside Out. On their only official release, Dicara’s raw wailing guitar sound mixed with Zach’s pure fucking fury scratched a lot of itches. Out there on the world wide web you can find a live set of theirs with an unreleased song called “Rage Against The Machine” and frankly, we’re glad it went unreleased since anything after these six songs would’ve been a letdown.
 
Play it again: “Burning Fight”
Skip it: Trying to figure out if the opening lyric to “Bulls on Parade” is “Come wit’ it now” or “Ka-wit it now”

1. Gorilla Biscuits “Start Today” (1989)

Trumpets, whistling, harmonica – this album’s got it all! In fact, it’s so good that 34+ years later you can still find GB playing sold-out shows to venues full of both the young and old alike (assuming the olds have found a sitter for the night). It’s both fun and serious, melodic and moshy, and the perfect album to remind you stage dives make you feel alive (again, only if you can get a sitter).
 
Play it again: The whole thing start to finish
Skip it: Coded messages in slowed-down songs

 

These five records are classics, but we promised we would bring you the worst as well. Hop over to page two and read more.