Bad Religion Saves Money by Having Greg Graffin’s TA Drive the Tour Bus Again

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Legendary punk band Bad Religion decided to cut costs for an upcoming tour by having lead singer Greg Graffin’s TA drive the tour bus, sources report.

“I can’t believe I only discovered this little life-hack a few years ago,” said Graffin. “I save myself time as a professor by having my TA handle my office hours, so why not save money by having him acquire a Commercial Driver’s License and drive us around the country a little? I earned my PhD over 20 years ago, so I’m actually kind of disappointed in myself that it took me this long to realize this was an option. Paying a driver is such a huge part of touring expenses, so it’s a no-brainer to just put this task on someone who’s already getting paid through a grant that doesn’t come out of our pockets.”

Graffin’s TA Jonathan Bergen was not happy about the situation.

“This definitely is not what I was expecting when I got accepted into UCLA’s doctoral program,” Bergen sighed. “I’m writing my dissertation on starter feed development for local golden trout, not on driving a fucking tour bus for the second year in a row. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited to TA under Bad Religion’s lead singer, but it’s actually been a total drag. I’m going to have to grade papers and online quizzes in between my driving shifts while Dr. Graffin is performing. I know there are some unsavory parts to graduate education, but this is a little ridiculous if you ask me.”

Azadeh Ghorbani, the Dean of UCLA’s School of Life Sciences, did not agree with Graffin’s decision.

“Dr. Graffin and I will have to have a little talk when he gets back from his tour,” Ghorbani said. “I remember scolding him after their tour with Social Distortion, but it seems that the message didn’t get through to him. Our graduate students are already getting by on an absolute pittance, so it really isn’t fair for professors who are also successful punk musicians to outsource their touring costs to their TAs. I’m pretty sure Bad Religion is taking in enough money through their ticket sales, so they’re just going to have to eat the cost of a bus driver going forward.”

At press time, Milo Aukerman was considering going back into teaching so he could do the same thing for an upcoming Descendents tour.

Dave Mustaine Retiring from Megadeth to Enjoy Remainder of Megalife with Megafamily

Posted on by Dan Rice

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Citing advancing mega-arthritis preventing him from “giving 100% every night,” Megadeth founder Dave Mustaine has announced he will be megaretiring following the band’s upcoming megatour to promote their final album, Megadeth. “After some intense megareflection, I’ve come to megaterms with the fact that it’s megatime to move on. My megahands are megafailing me, and to push on would be a megadisservice to all my megafans. I’m looking forward to megasetteling down and spending more megatime with my megafamily — My beautiful megawife, my megason, my megadaughter, and of course, my megagrandaughter. Might even get a new megadog!” Mustaine also plans to use his megaretirement to focus on his Christian faith, saying that after the megatour, he would be spending a lot more time at his local megamegachurch. 

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it megadevelops.

Family Evicted from Home by Democrat Hoax

Posted on by Trevor Graham

BRANSON, Mo. — A family of four was evicted from the home of twelve years due to a Democrat hoax that fooled the family into believing they were no longer able to afford their mortgage, sources who definitely know what the S&P 500 Index is confirmed.

“I just can’t believe the Democrats would stoop this low in making it seem like we don’t have enough money to sustain our standard of living anymore. Trump really needs to put a stop to this hoax,” said Dave Silverson, father of two. “We’ve lived here since 2014 and never had a problem making our payments back then, but now, suddenly, with the Democrats not controlling the Senate, Supreme Court, or presidency, they’re somehow able to make us think that everything actually is more expensive and we can’t afford it anymore. How deep does this conspiracy go?”

Silverson’s wife Emma says the family now having to move into a small apartment isn’t the only hardship the Democrat hoax has given them.

“When I go to the grocery store now, it’s like this hoax follows us. I remember when Biden was president and how expensive food actually was back then, but now we’re being tricked into thinking that the prices are actually higher now. And obviously that can’t be true since Trump said everything is cheaper since day one of him being president,” said Emma. “Not only that, but gas stations are hoaxing us with prices that are well over three dollars, but again, that can’t be true since Trump very clearly said they are now a dollar ninety-eight. Nice try, Demo-rats.”

Fox Business reporter Maria Bartiromo says families like the Silversons across the country are falling victim to this financial ruse perpetuated by politicians on the left.

“I think it’s a disgrace what the radical left is doing to the hardworking Americans, making them believe the economy is falling off a cliff,” said Bartiromo from her five-story townhouse on Central Park. “If you look at the stock market, it keeps going up and up, and if there’s one thing economists can all agree on, it is that people with no means of investing who are living paycheck to paycheck are definitely benefiting from the top 1% accumulating even more wealth from perceived value to shareholders.”

At press time, Dave Silverson said he can’t believe how terrible his Obamacare coverage is and wishes he could go back to being on the Affordable Care Act.

Doubling Down: Tarantino Just Admitted He Hates Movies and When He Sees an Actor He Wants to Throw Up

Posted on by Charles Bill

Wow. The cinematic world was just rocked once more as Quentin Tarantino doubled down on his previous statements on Paul Dano, Matthew Lillard, and Owen Wilson, admitting that he despises the entire medium of film altogether and that when he sees an actor, he actually becomes physically ill with disgust. 

In a recent episode of The Video Archives Podcast, the veteran director got candid about his absolute revulsion at the very concept of burning a human face onto a celluloid frame. 

“This job is a fucking joke, okay, these movies, ‘films’ if you wanna call them, okay, they’re fucking trash. I tried watching this Woody Allen movie, okay, great director, and it starts pretty good, okay, you got a setting, okay, some music, okay, but then suddenly an actor shows up. Get. Me. The. Fuck. Outta there! Get me out! What a mistake, man! I mean, here you have a perfect movie with no one fucking in it, right, then you ruin it by sending Vera Farmiga onto the screen. With shoes on! Maybe if she kicked off those Keds, I could tolerate ten minutes of dialogue about Impressionism, but as is, I’d rather just watch TikToks, I mean, thank God for TikToks!”

Tarantino went on to explain how his career, which includes nine feature-length films and overwhelming critical praise, was essentially done under duress.

“My mom dated this guy who was like a father to me, okay and he took me to see all these movies — genre films — kung-fu flicks, blacksploitation movies, women in prison movies… I fucking hated it. I would say to him, ‘Please stop making me watch movies, these actors make me want to puke my fucking guts out,’ and he would say, ‘No.” Okay, ‘You’re gonna sit there, and you’re gonna learn how to make fucking Reservoir Dogs.’ He still calls me every few years, ‘Hey, do Jackie Brown,’ ‘Hey, do Kill Bill,’ ‘Hey, do Kill Bill Volume 2,’ it’s a fucking nightmare! My life is a fucking nightmare. 

Tarantino was asked about actors, specifically his recent feud with Paul Dano, whose name caused Tarantino to run out of the studio and violently sick up. When he returned, he elaborated that actors are dumb, ugly, and don’t even seem to want to say the n-word. 

“That’s why I cast myself in all of my movies, okay? I mean, why do we need all of these handsome, talented, charming people in movies when they could have me barely stumbling through lines that I wrote myself? Suddenly, it’s better to have Paul Dipshit in There Will Be Blood instead of a bloated cocaine addict? Paul Thomas Anderson has some lessons to learn from me.”

Tarantino ended the interview with a plea to save movie theaters by playing Instagram reels in them, preferably of feet.

Banjo Purchase Gives Millennial a Pretty Affordable Mid-Life Crisis

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ZION, Ill. — A banjo purchase by 41-year-old Stan Rukowski gave the millennial a decently affordable mid-life crisis, sources report.

“This thing ran me about $200, so it was definitely manageable,” said Rukowski. “Ever since I entered my forties, I needed something to help me cope with my impending mortality, but I didn’t have the funds to become a motorcycle guy or build a man cave. I work in data entry and moonlight as a Lyft driver, so I definitely can’t afford to buy a fancy new car or go on some huge vacation. Learning the banjo and maybe becoming a bluegrass guy seems much more tenable. I’m actually pretty excited to start learning this new instrument. Maybe I’ll complement it by becoming a whiskey guy, too. Or maybe even a guy who wears a fedora and suspenders now. Banjos really do open up a world of budget-friendly possibilities at this age.”

Rukowski’s wife was more relieved than anything.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not excited to listen to Stan learn his arpeggios over the next few months, but at least he’s not bankrupting us by buying a new Porsche,” noted Veronica Rukowski. “As far as mid-life crises go, I’m getting off pretty easily here. God forbid he notices the bald spot on the back of his head, because I know the resulting purchase would be something pretty drastic. I guess I’ll just let him have this and maybe find my own activity to get me out of the apartment while he practices. Maybe I’ll re-enroll in a hot yoga class or something. I’ll just have to take on a few extra shifts at the Olive Garden to be able to afford it.”

Sociologist Jiquanda Pickett was all too familiar with these types of age-related situations.

“Millennials are definitely experiencing mid-life crises differently than previous generations,” Pickett observed. “They’re feeling the same emotions that Baby Boomers did, but without the financial advantages that they had. The erosion of the middle class, due in large part to the Reagan presidency that their parents eagerly voted for, has ensured that even the most highly educated millennials are forced to work multiple jobs just to scrape by. Ordering a new instrument on Amazon and taking lessons on YouTube will have to suffice when there’s no way in hell you’re ever going to be able to purchase property.”

At press time, Rukowski decided to buy the banjo with installment payments after the couple had reviewed their finances.

Why Huffing That Open Container of Paint Thinner I Found in My Parents’ Garage Wasn’t Breaking Edge

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Look, I know what you’re thinking. “This guy’s whole identity is centered around being straight-edge, and he just threw it all away because he came across an open container of Klean Stripe in his parents’ garage.” Well, I’m here to tell you that’s total bullshit, man. Yes, I did huff the absolute Christ out of that paint thinner that’s been opened on my dad’s work bench since the mid-nineties, but rest assured that I did not break edge in the process.

First off, have you ever actually read the lyrics to that Minor Threat song? I have, and not once does Ian Mackaye mention paint thinner, so please wipe that haughty expression off your face. Yes, he does mention sniffing glue, but does this look like a bottle of Elmer’s to you? No way, man, it says “solvent for use in diluting oil-based paints or varnish”, so my conscience is completely clean here, even if my face isn’t. Seriously, this stuff is burning the shit out of my nose.

And to be completely honest, I barely even got high from it. Think about it, if I was really interested in breaking edge, would I choose a dissolving agent that’s been open since the first Clinton administration? No way. If that were the case, I would do something like chug an entire bottle of Listerine in the CVS parking lot or take an entire bottle of the Paxil that my roommate Garret keeps in the back left corner of his sock drawerhe doesn’t know I know about. Not that I’ve ever done either of these things. I’m just saying, if I were interested in no longer being straight-edge, a little spur-of-the-moment huff of a perfectly legal substance after grabbing myself a Cherry 7-Up from the garage fridge during my nephew’s birthday party wouldn’t cut it. You feel me?

Oh well, we can talk back-and-forth here until we’re blue in the face (well, in my case, even bluer in the face than I already am). I think the best course of action is for us to just agree to disagree, and you can head back to the party while I sit here and stare at my dad’s tool set until the world stops spinning. Just do me a favor and don’t mention this to anyone, OK? I think I’ve competently made the case that this wasn’t a lifestyle lapse, but if you’re any indication, not everyone’s going to agree with me. Can you shut the door on your way out? Thanks.

Gonorrhea Outbreak Somehow Not the Worst Part of Bret Michaels Concert

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CLEARWATER, Fla. — A gonorrhea outbreak during an outdoor Bret Michaels concert at the BayCare Sound was somehow less unpleasant than the show itself, repulsed sources report.

“I don’t know what I was expecting going to a solo Bret Michaels show, but man, that was awful,” concertgoer Ronnie Sanders said. “I mean, I’m not surprised that I caught gonorrhea from that old lady with the Confederate flag calf tattoo after we hooked up in one of the Port-A-Johns, but I am a bit taken aback at how depressing the actual concert was. The yellowish-green discharge coming out of my penis was definitely horrid, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as watching Bret perform ‘Talk Dirty to Me’ with his anonymous backing band. I’d rather catch gonorrhea a dozen more times than have to suffer through that again.”

Teresa Juárez, a doctor at a nearby MedExpress, relayed her experience treating the cases the next day.

“This happens every time Bret Michaels comes to town,” Juárez sighed. “I knew I was going to be seeing hundreds of gonorrhea cases over the few days following the concert, so at least this time I was prepared. I definitely don’t enjoy spending my day looking at a seemingly endless line of swollen testicles and bloody vaginas, but it certainly doesn’t sound nearly as bad as the stories I’m hearing from the show itself. ‘Every Rose Has Its Thorn’ isn’t a great song to begin with, but seeing a geriatric Bret Michaels encore with it while a guy wearing a MAGA hat vomit into a trash can next to the Miller Lite kiosk in your peripheral vision makes it sound so much worse.”

The Poison singer had a different take on the show.

“Man, what a kickass set that was,” Michaels excitedly said as he changed into a fresh bandana. “It’s times like these where I’m glad I decided to stop ‘Rock of Love’ and get back onto a touring schedule. I could see the audience was really going crazy when we played ‘Unskinny Bop.’ Some of the people were actually listening to the music and not even drunkenly dry-humping each other or passing out. One guy with a ‘These Colors Don’t Run’ tank top and a faded green barbed wire tattoo on his bicep was even playing air guitar!”

At press time, Pfizer was developing a new type of antibiotic specifically for sexually transmitted diseases caught at hair metal concerts.

Australia Sees Sharp Increase in 17-Year-Olds

Posted on by Dan Katz

Ahead of Australia’s ban on children under 16 holding social media accounts, the country has seen a sharp increase in 17-year-olds, sources confirm.

“I feel bad for kids who aren’t allowed to scroll through TikTok, I truly do, but I feel fortunate that I already turned 16 last year,” said one unnamed Melbourne boy before his basketball game against the West Street Middle School Thunder. “Even YouTube is on the list, which seems crazy. But the good news is that I can still use it and share the video of my game with my Nana and Papa.”

The ban includes other major social media platforms like X, Snapchat, Kick, Reddit, Facebook, and more. But fewer children should be affected than initially thought, as millions of Australian youth surprisingly turned 16 and 17 this year.

“I think the ban is a good thing,” opined another anonymous teen, born January 1, 2008. “I’ve stayed away from social media, and I think it’s really helped me focus on my Bat Mitzvah this weekend. Oh, uh, it got delayed. Cause of Covid!”

Government officials from around Australia are concerned that the influx of millions of 17-year-olds will have a destabilizing effect on certain parts of society.

“We are about to see the number of licensed drivers skyrocket, which will have knock-on effects of increased pollution and traffic accidents, to name a few,” explained John Graham, New South Wales’ Minister for Transport. “And my colleagues are worried about our country’s universities getting overwhelmed when all of these older teens enroll en masse.”

While the sudden influx of 17-year-olds is perplexing, the Australian Health Minister warned that the country may be facing much larger concerns than transportation. 

“Has anyone noticed how young these 17-year-olds are? Most of them haven’t hit puberty! We need to make sure these teens are getting enough Vegemite!” 

Juggalo Returns From Near Death Experience to Confirm Dark Carnival Is Real

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

HOLLAND, Mich. — A Juggalo who goes by the name Ice-Dawg awoke in the hospital after being declared legally dead for 10 minutes to confirm the Dark Carnival is real, confirmed sources.

“I’ve always been a terrible Juggalo. A doubter really, living a life of delinquency,” Ice-Dawg confessed. “But when that Faygo bottle hit me, I saw it clear as day. The tent, the Ringmaster, the juggling Jeckel Brothers, all the signs that I was going to be going to Shangri-La or dare even the Hell’s Pit. Recently deceased celebrities like Ozzy Osbourne and George Wendt were sent to Shangri-La. I saw the riddle box on the wooden table. As it cranked I feared to learn what answer would pop out when the music stopped. Before it did, I returned to Earth staring at a fluorescent hospital ceiling light and a wicked IV drip.”

Ice-Dawg was treated by Dr. Dorothy Breklh of South Eastern Medical.

“It’s a minor fracture but looks like Mr. Matthews- ope, sorry, looks like Mr. Ice-Dawg recovered just fine,” Dr. Breklh explained. “You can argue it was a hallucination from the injury or some sort of coma dream, but let me tell you, I’ve had a colleague once tell me he saw a near dead patient witness the same dark carnival without ever knowing who Insane Clown Posse are. It’s like that song ‘Miracles’ says, ya know? ‘Pure motherfucking magic, That shit’ll blow your motherfucking mind.’ I’ve never witnessed such things myself but I can only hope that when my time comes I’ll see Jake ‘The Just’ Jeckel juggle my sins, and I will be fortunate enough to see him finish his act.”

Ice-Dawg is currently appearing on several talk shows to discuss his experience, such as The View, The Today Show, and even Steve Wilkos.

“Witnessing him onstage with Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg changed me forever. Let me tell you, I’m converted. I’ve even started calling people ‘foo dang,’” stated Sarah Stevens, a mother and one of the audience members from Ice-Dawg’s appearance on The View. “His description was so vivid and emotional. From this day on out I will be resisting The Great Milenko’s trickery of greed and envy. From now on it’s all about family for this ninja.”

Ice-Dawg’s story and his new book, “Dat Dark Carnival Is Hella Real, Ninja,” will be adapted into a made-for-TV movie this fall.

Opinion: Fuck You, You Absolute Fucker — Guest Opinion by Your Dad Trying to Hang Icicle Christmas Lights

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

Alright, you fucking shitheads. You pieces of fucking garbage shit-fuck. You absolutely diabolical, fermented excuse for human shit-fuck excrement. Christ almighty. Every fucking year you dangly fucking light-daggers find new ways to fuck with my ALREADY FUCKING FRAYED grip on reality, well you ready?! You ready to go again, you little fuckers, let’s DO THIS!

Here we shit fucking go again with the stupid goddamn icicle lights. You just love being the bane of my entire fucking existence, dontcha ya little asshole! The wet, sloppy shit-fucker cherry on top of this dogshit, frostbitten clown-parade year. Goddamnit! Every last one of you little bulbs was designed in a lab by GOD just to FUCK WITH ME, weren’t ya?! 

Yeah, here we go, I’ve been dreading this fucking day every second of every fucking minute of every godforsaken hour for the last twelve Christ alive months! The moment when I climb up on this rickety, old-as-dirt, five years past retirement ladder, begging that it tip over and finally STRIKE ME DOWN so I can be spared from the soul-obliterating task of hanging these goddamn icicle lights from these shitty fucking gutters, but fuck, let’s do this! Let’s do it for the GODDAMN kids and the GODDAMN neighborhood and the GODDAMN BULLSHIT facade that any of us even know what the FUCK we’re doing! 

Look at Jason down there. Barely holding the fucking ladder. He is just sucked into that goddamn iPhone. That goddamn shit-fuck iPhone we got him last year for Christmas! Oh yeah kid, have fun mainlining TikTok slop straight into his pea-sized fucking cranium, never mind keeping your GODDAMN FATHER ALIVE! You just keep being that hollowed-out husk of the lively boy who used to yell “Wait for me, Dad!” every time I left the house. Christ. We did it wrong. All wrong. 

Ted Kaczynski. Now there’s a man who escaped the trap. Bet there weren’t any fucking icicle lights in ADX Florence, eh Ted? What a dream.

Fucking fucker fuck. Okay, at least this year these bastards are hanging better than when I used to shove them under that piece-of-shit gutter guard. Carol may be a psychotic cyclone of HomeGoods bullshit, with the goddamn Christmas inflatable after Christmas inflatable and the whole fucking yard just completely taken over with every last tacky piece of christ-fuck holiday cheer she’s ever been able to fit in the fucking Subaru, but she did pick up these clips from Lowe’s. Okay. Just breather. Just get this task done, and she’ll come out here, look up at these stupid lights, give me a kiss, say thank you, and for one Christ-loving microscopic second I’ll remember why I put up with all this glowing holiday horseshit, and I’ll crack a beer, and everything will be nice. 

Holy shit, he’s not on his phone anymore. He’s looking up at me with that beautiful little face and holding the ladder like I asked, and now he’s saying, “The lights look really nice, Dad!” and now I feel like a complete piece of shit for all that angry crap I was thinking. What is wrong with me?! What is so god damned wrong with me that I can’t just enjoy Christmas like a normal goddamn person?! Christmas season. Goddamn fuckers. Fucking shit fuck.

And now they’re out again. 

Fuck!