Kid Whose Dad Went Out For Cotton Candy Vape Juice Secretly Hoping He Never Comes Back

Posted on by Matt Husser

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local 13-year-old Elliot Johnson was reportedly crossing his fingers today hoping that his dad would never come back after heading out for cotton candy vape juice, confirmed sources.

“Every Saturday my old man makes a big deal about how he’s going out for cotton candy vape juice so loud the neighbors can hear, and I always pray this is the day he finally doesn’t embarrass me by coming home in a cloud of unicorn farts,” said Elliot, slamming his bedroom door. “All my friends’ dads went out for smokes and abandoned them, but my dad always comes back a few hours later smelling like a rainbow clown wig, saying some weird shit like ‘It’s me Darth Vaper, I am your Father’ before giving me a big hug and asking about my day.”

Father Jimmy Johnson revealed that the reason he leaves for so long is that it’s hard to find his favorite ‘Bussin Labs Cotton Candy Crave’ vape juice at the local stores.

“I know three hours roundtrip is a long time to sit on my ‘gyat’ in my ‘whip’ away from my ‘fam’ each week, but there’s only one shop in the county ‘bussin’ enough to carry my favorite vape juice and weekly supply of Feastables,” said the 55-year-old accountant, putting on his reading glasses to check the receipt. “Then it always takes me about 20 minutes to convince the liquor store guy that the Buzzballz and alcoholic Monster energy are for me, and not for the teenagers hanging outside. But it’s all worth it to see the ‘skibidi’ look on my kid’s face when I finally come back from the store.”

Mr. Johnson’s own estranged dad, Clyde Johnson, criticized his son’s juvenile commitment to his family.

“It’s high time that Jimmy stopped with this cotton candy nonsense, switched to some fuckin’ Marlboros, and abandoned his family like a real man,” said the 85-year-old, ashing his cigarette on an old family photo. “When I was his age I had already abandoned my second family and knocked up a stripper 20 years younger than me all on a plumber’s salary. How is Elliott ever gonna learn to be a man if his dad is always appearing out of a fruity pebble cloud like David Copperfield when he shows up to all of his music recitals and baseball games?”

At press time, Elliot Johnson was reportedly mortified after his dad had signed them up for Mr. Beast’s “The Sex Talk Puberty Elimination Challenge.”

Opinion: I Thought I Had the Perfect Name for Our Band, but Apparently Sanguisugabogg Is Already Taken

Posted on by Peter Woods

Is there a bigger time suck in this world than trying to come up with a new band name? Every time a new band starts, people spend hours and hours trying to come up with anything that works, but every single name anyone comes up with is either corny or used by someone else.

I figured, “Why not try something new for our band?” Since every band name we thought of so far has been taken, I decided to just make random mouth sounds until I came up with something that sounded cool. Spent three hours doing that, but then some sounds that make the perfect band name came out:

Sanguisugabogg.

I was so pumped to have found something so badass that perfectly encapsulated our sound, our vibe, hell our whole vision! Until I looked it up on discogs and immediately threw my computer into a trash can.

I had to go back to the drawing board, but I wanted to get some help. So I asked ChatGPT to make up a word that sounded cool and would work really well for our blackened tech death grind band. It spewed out ten options, nine of them sucked. But the last one it came up with was perfect.

The only problem was that it was Sanguisugabogg again.

I got so annoyed and depressed about this that I got completely hammered. And then when I was blacked out, I apparently recorded myself brainstorming band names. The problem is that I couldn’t make out a single word I was saying except for one pretty remarkable moment of inspiration.

Unfortunately, that name was also Sanguisugabogg.

So I guess we have to try something else. Maybe let’s just go with taking a cool word like metallic or something and add the letter A at the end to make it sound latin or something. I’ll look it up and get back to you.

Local Man Horrified and Disgusted to Learn All-Time Favorite Lead Vocalist Now Doing Open Mic Stand Up Comedy

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Local man Peter Spearman was shocked when he discovered the frontman of his all-time favorite band Chaos Dissidents was doing low level stand up comedy around the city, equally disgusted sources confirmed.

“Chaos Dissidents were these coke-fueled maniacs playing a mix between thrash and screamo that nobody else was doing back in 1999. I still have four copies of their split 7” with Low Voltage that I planned on being buried with,” said Spearman. “So I’m watching the Yankees game at the bar and out of nowhere an open mic starts. I’m already pissed they turned off the game, but then the host brought up the first performer who was none other than Chaos Dissidents frontman Chris Deehan. I realized that the person I once thought was the definition of cool is now doing terrible jokes about how hard it is to date in New York. I don’t know where I go from here, I feel sick, like my insides are rotting and my mouth has tasted like battery acid for days now.”

Deehan, the once popular musician, says stand up has been a creative outlet since his last band broke up in 2012.

“I love being a performer, but the problem with being in a band is that you have so many mouths to feed. With stand up it’s just me up there bearing my heart and soul,” said Deehan after a set where his closing joke was about how he thinks his scrotum is lopsided. “I’ve been doing this pretty frequently for 10 years now and I will meet fans of my music. They always ask me questions about stand up like ‘Why are you doing this?’ ‘Is the band getting back together so you can stop doing comedy?’ and ‘Do you need me to Venmo you some money?’ Which is nice, but the band isn’t getting together anytime soon. Our guitar player teaches clowning now, and he’s so busy with that we could never get him to tour.”

Scene historian Sami Houston says the pipeline of ex-band dudes to stand up comedy has slowed down in recent years.

“This was definitely more prevalent during the alternative comedy boom of the early aughts, but now we see a lot of band guys starting pointless podcasts. These people have transitioned from degrading their legacies in dimly lit bars to degrading their legacies on social media,” said Houston. “This is the new reality we live in. The flip side of the coin are the band guys who go into hiding because of disturbing accusations. But honestly, every outcome is terrible and it’s best not to engage.”

At press time, Deehan announced on the official Chaos Dissidents Instagram page that he needs 15 people to buy tickets to his next comedy show in order for him to be allowed to perform.

Photo by Brett McCabe.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While ‘Toxicity’ Was Temporarily Removed From Streaming

Posted on by Contributor

It’s been another long week filled with nauseating political developments and beloved albums being removed from streaming services for several panic-inducing hours. Our loss is your gain, however. Because we couldn’t find our CD Wallet from 2007, we were forced to seek out new songs. Here are six new tracks we listened to while wondering if our collective memory of the ‘Chop Suey!’ riff would forever fade into the abyss.

The Beths ‘Metal’

Indie-punk quartet The Beths are continuing down the elusive path toward becoming New Zealand’s version of the Cure. This is obviously a compliment. The intertwined guitars of their latest ‘Metal’ – filled with constantly evolving melodic riffs – are some of the dreamiest of the band’s entire discography. It gives less ‘Friday, I’m In Love’ and more ‘Monday, I’m In Bed,’ which, again, is clearly a compliment. Feel free to put this on when you need an escape from the drudgery of reality. It will work wonders until you start thinking about how much you’d rather live in New Zealand.

Turnstile ‘BIRDS’/‘SEEIN’ STARS’

Just when you finally stopped sobbing and throwing up in response to Turnstile’s last single ‘Never Enough,’ they’ve decided to pummel you in the chest with not one, but two new tracks. ‘Birds’ is a signature future hardcore anthem that could only be improved by the band going full ham and delivering on the cover of Bobby Brown’s ‘My Prerogative’ they are clearly teasing during the breakdown. ‘Seein’ Stars’ is a complete 180 from ‘Birds’ – leaning into a Police-esque dancehall vibe, cementing Turnstile’s secret mission to make hardcore kids learn dance moves other than punching and kicking.

Full of Hell ‘Knight’s Oath’

Imagine plugging a blender into a Boss Heavy Metal distortion pedal, running it into a Line 6 Spider II, then cranking it into a modified setting past ‘Insane’ called ‘Involuntarily Committed’ and you’ll get pretty close to Full of Hell’s ethos. Their latest single, ‘Knight’s Oath,’ is such a disconcerting display of grindcore horror that you’ll probably wake up in a cold sweat screaming the verses for countless nights to come. Probably still a step up from your normal recurring nightmares, so you’re welcome.

Propaghandi ‘No Longer Young’

Propaghandi – who just recently had to cancel their entire US tour due to… ya know, the horrors – have finally released their long awaited LP ‘At Peace.’ It’s their first new record in nearly a decade, and it was well worth the wait for those who have missed being lectured over loud guitars as much as we have. The latest single to be released pre-full album drop ‘No Longer Young’ is a bit misleading as these guys are shredding faster than you ever dreamed of in even the height of your youth.

Chris Farren ‘Cause of Death’

In what we’re assuming was a desperate plea for attention, Chris Farren celebrated his birthday with the surprise release of his excellent, albeit disturbing, new single ‘Cause of Death.’ As you would guess, the lyrics fixate on attempting to discover how certain people have died while being simultaneously depressed and horrified of meeting the same fate. If this piques your curiosity, we won’t judge, you weird fuck. Even if you’re not a death-obsessed freak, you’ll still probably have this one stuck in your head for a while after the first listen.

Now that you have a taste for music that wasn’t released over two decades ago, we assume you’ll want to hear more. That’s why we took the time to compile these songs in a disorienting playlist that also features every other song we’ve listened to this year. We didn’t hear a ‘thanks,’ but you are welcome regardless. Check it out below and enjoy feeling modern for a change.

Mark Wahlberg Claims Elon Musk’s Botched Penis Implant Wouldn’t Have Gone Down Like That If He Was Attending Surgeon

Posted on by Matt Husser

BOSTON — Mark Wahlberg sparked controversy after claiming that Elon Musk’s botched penis implant “wouldn’t have gone down like that” if he was the attending surgeon, sources confirmed.

“It’s a total tragedy how those surgeons fucked up Elon’s cock, I mean look at that worthless piece of shit—it looks like a scared little toad peeking out of a mudhole. Well it wouldn’t have gone down like that if I was performing the surgery, I can promise you that much,” said Wahlberg. “I would have taken control in that operating room and implanted a rod so big it’d make the Hancock Tower look like a Slim Jim, instead of that gross red dog dick thing he’s got going on now. Then Elon would be like ‘thanks so much for this massive hog, Mark’ and I’d be like ‘hey no problem guy, enjoy impregnating all those weird ladies with your huge cyberpenis.'”

Musk’s plastic surgeon responded to Wahlberg’s claims, alleging that the scope of the male enhancements the SpaceX founder asked for was “not medically possible.”

“I tried my best to make the augments that Mr. Musk requested, but what he was asking for was simply not realistic based on the state of his original member—you try surgically transforming wet hamburger in a baby sock into the Washington Monument,” said Dr. Kaminski. “Then he insisted on being awake during the procedure so he could micromanage the implant process, and when I told him that if we attached any more of the ‘cyber-enhancements’ he brought with him the penile structure would collapse on itself like a pubic blackhole. Then when it fell apart like all of his other ideas, he went on X and called me a pedophile.”

Following the botched surgery, Musk reportedly turned to fertility expert Dr. John Marley in his quest to impregnate a small army of female employees.

“At first I was honored that Mr. Musk chose me to support his quest to staff the federal government entirely with his offspring, but I didn’t realize how challenging the process would be—it was kind of like milking an earthworm but with much, much more sobbing,” said Dr. Marley. “And then he started bringing in a phrenology chart and calipers and demanded I discard any sperm absent of his ‘desired caucasoid features.’ I finally told him to find a different fertility doctor after he asked if it was possible to load a blowgun dart with his sperm to impregnate women from afar.”

At press time, Wahlberg claimed that JD Vance killing the Pope wouldn’t have gone down like that if he was at the Vatican.

Avoidant Attachment? This Woman Can’t End a Relationship So She Robs Them Instead

Posted on by Rachel Hein

A relationship has been confirmed as “officially over” when a woman robbed her former lover at gunpoint. This is a repeat offender who has pillaged the home of every man she’s dated upon being questioned about “defining the relationship.” She is a risk to her community and specifically to any man who thinks he can be the one to tie her down, as she may steal his heart but she will also steal all his belongings.

“I don’t know, man, I thought things were good. She’s hot. We liked all the same things, like food and TV, and stuff. She listens to my music and doesn’t make me listen to hers. I was like damn I need to make this girl wifey.” Jay Keeting told reporters. “So I asked, ‘What are we?’ She muttered something about all the stuff I owned, and did I really need to own her too? Next thing I know, there’s a gun in my face and she’s telling me to get on the ground. She took so much shit, man! My Theragun, my Samsung frame, my turntable.”

Philippa Peete was quick to confirm the incident. “No, it’s so bad I know. But listen, this doesn’t happen when I date women, only men. As soon as they get all weird and commitment-y, I panic, and the adrenaline gives me the urge to rob them.” When asked if anything else had provoked this, she added, “I mean, no. I guess it’s just easier to rob them. And the more time I spend with a man, the less I like him, and the more I like his stuff. It’s science or something, I swear.”

Upon further investigation, Philippa’s ex-boyfriend, Carl Ludwig, evidently took precautions against her burglary habit, “She’s fucking crazy, dude. And like, all my exes are crazy, but she’s extra crazy. We broke up and got back together so many times, I had to start padlocking my cabinets and drawers. But then she got a bolt cutter and that was the end!” He did, however, assure us that she does not carry a gun. “It’s not a gun. It’s a power drill that kind of looks like a gun, so she can unmount stuff on your walls.”

At press time, Philippa is dating a woman and enjoying what she refers to as the “fruits of her labor” in trying to date men.

Guy Tasked With Censoring British Rap Song in Way Over His Fucking Head

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — Federal Communications Commission (FCC) employee Joshua Boyd found himself in way over his fucking head after being tasked with censoring a single by popular British rapper Dodgy Chaz, sources report.

“I’ve gotta be honest, I have no fucking clue what I’m doing here,” Boyd said helplessly as he combed through the lyrics to the song “Hasslin’ Grassers.” “Not only do I have to find the swear words, but I also have to discern their severity to see if they need to be blocked out. I mean, ‘plonker’? ‘Chav’? Are these bad, and if so, how bad? We can say ‘hell’ and ‘damn’ here, but we can’t say ‘shit’ or ‘fuck,’ so how do these British words compare to those? My boss needs me to have this done by tomorrow, so I’m at a total loss as to what I’m going to do.”

Chaz wasn’t sure what the challenge was in deciphering his lyrics.

“Oy, so that bloke’s not bloody well chuffed at me tunes, right?” Chaz apparently questioned. “Is he taking the piss, or just an eejit? I’m known to be a bit of a lairy gobby, but the lad’s havin’ a strop. He must be a proper saddo, or a total prat. Under the cosh from his gaffer, is he? Well, I can’t muck in. I was on the lash with me blud last night, and I’m dead knackered. Gonna go for a slash then run to uncle ned for a smidge.”

Fan Tory Rodriguez commiserated with Boyd.

“I’ve been a huge fan of British rap for a while, but I never have any clue what they’re saying,” Rodriguez admitted. “I started listening to stuff like Roots Manuva and Kano in high school, and now I’m really into Cult of the Damned and Lee Scott. I listen to stuff like that all the time, and it always goes over my head. They could be rapping about what they had for breakfast, or they could be saying problematic stuff and I wouldn’t be able to tell. I know this isn’t the most socially conscious move, but I just ignorantly enjoy the music and hope that they’re not railing against women or immigrants. I guess I understand what leftist fans of black metal go through, now that I think of it.”

At press time, Boyd just decided to censor every third word of the song and hope for the best.

Trump Justifies PBS Funding Slash With Claims That Sesame Street Is Sponsored by the Letters M, S, and the Number 13

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

Washington — President Trump took to Truth Social to defend his recent executive order to cut federal funding for PBS with a diatribe against the channel’s flagship children’s program, Sesame Street, citing a recent episode’s connection to the notorious gang, MS-13.

“Sesame Street or MS-ame Street as I call it, this show is bigly tied into the nasty, horrible, terrorist gang known as MS-13. It’s been brought to you by the letters M, S, and the number 13, they admit that! They’re proud of it! You got radical Marxists like Elmo (notice he’s colored red) making gang signs with his hands while showing a Spanish child, probably not even in this country legally, by the way, how to count. Who needs to count? Drug dealers, that’s who. Then we got a giant bird, huge bird, teaching a group of DEI kids about pronouns! PBS has been brainwashing our children for years, some say many years, with radical left shows. There was that famous communist Mr. Rogers, he wanted everyone to share, remember that? Then there’s Clifford the Big Red Dog, have you ever seen a red dog in your life? Maybe in China they have them, I don’t know.”

As of press time, United States Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr. was scheduled to give a press briefing on the link between Cookie Monster and the childhood obesity epidemic.

Report: Band Too Ugly To Be in Own Music Video

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

DENVER — A recent report from social psychologists at the University of Denver revealed that members of the local ska band Bug Wife are regrettably too ugly to appear in their own music videos.

“We’ve got a combined academic career spanning over 60 years, specifically researching interpersonal attraction in niche local music scenes and I feel like we’ve finally made a massive breakthrough,” said tenured professor Victoria Skaggs. “I mean, these guys are talented and confident, which is usually enough for listeners to get over the whole acne ridden pug-like faces thing, but nope! Not the case here. Sure, it’s probably heartbreaking for the band and all but I think from an ethics standpoint, the general public should be spared from looking at these freaks. It’s just the most humane thing to do.”

Meanwhile, members of Bug Wife are struggling to come to terms with their negative public image.

“This sucks. As a band, all we wanted to do was rent out a sick ‘66 Thunderbird, engage in quirky yet relatable scenarios across town, and end up laying down on the beach at dusk. But, I guess we’re too hideous for that,” said rhythm guitarist and notable uggo Robert Thines through the brown paper bag over his head. “Sure, we’re not the second coming of Beatlemania or whatever, but we don’t care about that. Our audience doesn’t judge our music based off our album covers, which just, by pure coincidence, don’t feature any of our faces.”

Alonso Jiménez, the music video director who was slated to direct Bug Wife’s latest video, also came out against the band.

“Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. These monsters are grotesque. There’s no amount of lighting, makeup, costuming, editing, manipulation, or gaslighting that we can do to make these rubber halloween masks come-to-life look fuckable,” said an exhausted Jiménez rocking back and forth. “We need to hire actors, or honestly, anyone besides these guys. One of them even suggested a lyric video with handwritten words on the screen, which I thought could work. But no, somehow I could still feel their nauseatingly deformed faces behind the words.”

At press time, Bug Wife’s manager posted a casting call for “solid 5s or 6s” to stand in for the band when performing live on their upcoming tour.

Opinion: Society Really Started Going Downhill Once They Stopped Making Rich People Villains in Kids Movies

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

There’s no denying that the world is going to hell in a handbasket, and everyone has their opinion on why that is. Well, I’m here to tell you the real reason: they stopped making rich people the bad guys in kids’ movies.

Remember in movies like Newsies when the kids were trying to unionize and to get their fair share of the child labor economy? That movie would never get made today, as A) unionizing would never be shown in a positive light, and B) rich capitalist media moguls would never greenlight a movie about rich capitalist media moguls screwing over everyone.

Then there was the Little Rascals. Adorable scamp Alfalfa was trying to woo Darla, whose attention turned to Waldo, a preppy new rich kid who came from big oil money. Granted, Alfalfa’s membership in the He-Man Woman Haters Club probably didn’t help things.

But even so, if that movie were made today, it would be about “poor” kids whose parents only made $100,000 per year, and the bad guy would be a vulnerable immigrant kid or something.

Nowadays rich people are never the bad guys in kids movies. Because in movies, as in real life, the only metric of success people comprehend is wealth. So by default, if you’re not wealthy, you’re a failure in life and unworthy of love and happiness.

As a matter of fact, you don’t see poor — or even middle-class people — in movies anymore. Unless it’s weird poverty porn like Shameless or Hillbilly Elegy. While those aren’t kids’ movies, or even movies at all, you still get the idea.

Some people would point to Richie Rich as being an example of rich people being the good guys in a kids’ movie. On the surface, they’d be right. However, a closer look reveals that Richie Rich wanted to share his privilege with his working class friends, including that girl whose mom looked like Rosie O’Donnell.

Plus his parents’ vault contained treasured keepsakes from Richie’s childhood and not jewels, diamonds, and other spoils of rampant capitalist domination. This facet of the movie is highly unrealistic, as it proved that Mr. and Mrs. Rich actually had a heart, unlike real rich people.

So if we’re going to get the world back on track, the only way to do it is to start teaching kids that rich people are inherently evil and should be ridiculed and humiliated at every opportunity.