Scantily Clad, Greased up Beefcake Sick of People Thinking He’s in Manowar

Posted on by Steve Packosky

AUBURN, N.Y. — Local greased up beefcake Roger Bornecki expressed his frustration at people’s continuous mistaking of him for a member of Manowar simply because he dresses like Conan the Barbarian and carries a sword everywhere, sources report.

“This is just getting ridiculous,” the total stud complained as he lathered a fresh layer of Vaseline over his rippling pecs and beautifully tanned, bulging biceps. “Just because I like to pump iron and dress a little unconventionally, people think I’m in some heavy metal band from this town that I’ve never even heard of. Just a few minutes ago, some guy yelled ‘other bands play, MANOWAR KILLS!’ while fist-bumping me. What the fuck does that even mean? Can’t I just put on my loincloth and run errands without being bothered? Honestly, I need to finish up my grocery shopping and run to the gym to work on my quads, so it would be nice if I could do that undisturbed.”

Bystander Phil Srisuwan was one of the people who had mistaken the toned Adonis for a member of Manowar.

“Oh shit, that guy’s not in Manowar?” Srisuwan said. “My bad, dude. I’m a huge metalhead and I just moved to this town. I know Manowar is from here, so I was totally stoked when I saw that nearly naked hunk walking down the street while holding a sword. I’ve already texted all of my metal friends that I just met a member of Manowar, so now I’m going to have to clarify that that didn’t actually happen. No wonder he just gave me this confused and irritated look when I screamed ‘death to false metal!’ at him. At least now I don’t think the guys in the band are huge dicks anymore.”

Manowar bassist/guitarist Joey DeMaio was also aggravated at the misunderstandings.

“Why do people think that every perfectly sculpted slab of beef walking shirtless down the street is in my band?” DeMaio lamented. “It takes more than a mouth-watering set of abs, perfectly shaped traps, slick, beautifully bronzed skin, and a savage and primitive wardrobe to play in Manowar, I can tell you that much. I’ve been in this band since 1980, and if every muscular mass of man-meat in this town was a bandmate of mine, we’d have more members than Slipknot.”

At press time, people began mistaking Bornecki for Doyle Von Frankenstein after he decided to stop carrying his sword everywhere.

Garage Band Blissfully Unaware These Are Best Acoustics They’ll Ever Have 

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

OMAHA, Neb. — Local garage rock band the Wet Tongues are completely, perhaps even blissfully, unaware that the acoustics they’re currently working with are the best they’re ever going to have, per multiple reports. 

“Man, are you hearing this shit? If this is how we sound now, just imagine what it’ll be like when we’re in the studio or play the Sphere in Las Vegas!” said frontman and guitarist Mikey Riley. “When we shut the garage door and Alex just goes absolutely batshit on the cymbals, it’s electric—we basically sound like pros already! At first we were using Sam’s basement, but his Santa Fe’s tone gets all muddled down there with the drywall. Plus his mom says she needs it to ‘get away’ during the day, whatever that means. So we moved to the garage, and man, major upgrade. I can’t wait until we’re playing bars one day, and then, onto the theaters, arenas, colosseums, and even those venues where you get your own sound guy! We’re gonna sound even better, just you wait. This is only the beginning.” 

Neighbors up and down the block are already painfully clued into the fact that the garage will be the absolute pinnacle of the band’s trajectory, but nobody has the heart to tell them. 

“Oh, they’re serious about trying to book public gigs? Like, for people outside of the neighborhood? I mean, okay. I wish them luck, is all I can say,” offered neighbor Lauren Loplin. “Personally, I don’t think there’s a bar or club in town that could make them sound much better than they do right now, I’ll just put it that way. If I were them, I’d book a full-blown garage tour of the US. I’m talking two-car garages, attached garages, and garages filled with John Deere equipment. It’s the only way they’ll succeed.” 

Keith McMasters, renowned music historian and critic, offered his thoughts on the band’s current setup. 

“You know, it might seem humble at first glance, but you should never underestimate the power of the mighty garage,” said McMasters. “It’s played a part in the history of many great bands throughout the years. So many folks get all bogged down in the details, they wanna get into recording studios, arena. But you wanna know the truth? It don’t matter if you ever get to Madison Square Garden. Even if you do, you’ll never get that same resonance as the soundwaves of the electric guitar reverberating through the garden tools in the corner of a nice garage.” 

At press time, neighborhood kids were observed banging their heads to the Wet Tongues’ playing, while their parents put in earplugs and shut their doors. 

Opinion: Kids These Days Learn Unrealistic Sex From Porn When They Should Be Learning It From Bloodhound Gang Songs

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

There was a time when sex was sacred. It wasn’t with just anybody at just any time. It was between a slightly overweight man and a buxom woman on a tube TV at 2 in the morning, and your parents would get a hefty pay-per-view bill for it at the end of the month.

Nowadays, kids just type in “PornHub,” promise they’re over 18, and suddenly they’re exposed to thousands of videos of completely unrealistic sex. They think it takes 15 seconds of P in V for a woman to orgasm. They think a massage parlor spontaneously becoming the site of an orgy is normal and not grounds for sexual assault charges, not to mention a litany of health code violations. And for some reason, they think it’s weird when step-siblings aren’t having sex when their parents aren’t home.

Kids are learning unrealistic sex from easily accessible pornographic materials. It’s stunting their emotional development and negatively affecting the success of their future sexual relationships, and this is just wrong. They should be learning about sex from Bloodhound Gang songs and stories from their sister’s friend Tyler, like the rest of us. We weren’t inundated with images of unrealistic body types and frightening dick shapes. Instead, we learned about the value of finding a woman who can play the harmonica with her pussy, that if you don’t need a mop and bucket afterwards, it isn’t real love, and practical advice like how it’s easier to pick up women who are a bit past their prime.

Having to work for scraps of knowledge about sex made us grateful for anything that came along. We didn’t have to spend time trying to figure out what we’re into. Found a magazine on the locker room floor with pictures of women riding horses wearing nothing but cowboy hats? That’s your thing now. This saved us from a life of chronic dissatisfaction and from wondering why our 13-year-old bodies didn’t match the physique of a roided-out guy named Brad doing Crossfit between shoots in the San Fernando Valley.

Most importantly of all, thanks to the Bloodhound Gang, we learned that sex is as natural an act as breathing. Nobody shames the Netherland Dwarf Rabbit for just doing what comes naturally. And we humans are no different. After all, you and me, baby, ain’t nothin’ but mammals.

Morgan Wallen Denies A.I. Used for New Song ‘Country Music, Also Known as Country and Western or Simply Country, Is a Music Genre’ 

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Country superstar and mullet aficionado Morgan Wallen recently denied accusations that artificial intelligence was used in the creation of a new song, belligerently drunk sources confirmed.

“Write first-person denial about A.I. use in Morgan Wallen’s new song and make it sound sincere,” said Wallen, reading from a phone. “There’s absolutely no way I would use artificial intelligence to write songs because there’s a level of integrity and honesty my fans have come to expect from me. My new project just so happens to be about the history of country music. According to those who are definitely not ChatGPT, the upcoming album is a historical exploration about the music that’s defined Morgan Wallen, as well as this country, for more than a century.”

Wallen fan Carla Lokken was undeterred by the accusation.

“[Wallen] has always been upfront and open with his music, and that’s what’s appealing,” asserted Lokken. “For example, his songs about gettin’ drunk on whiskey literally have ‘whiskey’ in the name, so you know exactly what you’re getting. There’s comfort in that. And if he did use A.I., he’s probably doing it to make the creative process easier, so what’s wrong with that? Thinking and being creative is, like, really hard. I mean, I use A.I. to help with challenging stuff all the time. Last week I literally used ChapGPT to write my birthday invitations.”

Music journalist Mikey Barline commented on the use of A.I. in Nashville.

“Look, it’s an open secret that A.I. is used in country music, so denying it is just silly,” explained Barline. “I mean, how many times can an artist and their two dozen songwriters write a paint-by-numbers tune about creepily objectifying women, or cowboy-hat-wearing millionaires pretending to drink cheap beer by the gallon in their Ford truck? At least with A.I. there’s an honesty to the vapidity, unlike the disingenuousness of most country artists these days. On the plus side, if Wallen did use artificial intelligence, at least the word ‘intelligence’ can finally be applied to his music.”

At press time, Wallen announced that his new song is from the upcoming album “Country Music’s History Began in the Rural Southern US (Appalachia) From European Folk (Fiddles, Ballads), African American Blues & Banjo, and Gospel, Forming ‘Hillbilly’ Music in the 1920s.”

Aging Rocker Caught Lip-Syncing Orgasm Noises

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

LAS VEGAS — Aging rock musician Dean John-Dean, vocalist for the 1970s one-hit wonder band Mustang Panther, was caught lip-syncing orgasm noises during a sexual encounter, sources reported.

“I don’t know why people are so shocked. Do you really want to hear my raw ejaculatory vocals at this age? Or do you want to have a good time?” John-Dean said. “It started around 2001, when I noticed how winded I’d get halfway through a performance. So I’d throw it over to my audience—sometimes as few as three or four—and tell them, ‘Now you sing it!’ right at my moment of climax. Today, I’ve barely got it in me to tell them that. I give the cue, and the backing track kicks in. No one notices unless the timing is off. Hey, at least I didn’t show up late to the performance.”

John-Dean put the blame on his sound engineer, Pruitt Potash.

“Yeah, I missed the cue, but who wouldn’t? It’s impossible to tell if he’s calling for a mark or signaling he needs another hit of oxygen,” Potash said. “If the track is off, maybe it’s because I’m working 18 jobs on this tour. I run sound, reattach nasal strips, needle alprostadil into his dick, and hold his cigarette up to his mouth while he thrusts, all while keeping out of view. I lowered the lights to make it easier to move around, but he insists on keeping the bed lit to ‘connect with his audience.’ When I took this job, he told me I’d get ‘paid in pussy.’ This isn’t what I had in mind. So, yeah, sorry to the music world about the lip-syncing thing, but I need a fucking vacation and a union.”

The controversy caught the attention of health experts, too.

“Dean John-Dean is well known in our field, having had a Genghis Khan-like effect along tour routes in his prime,” said Dr. Destiny Beckins, professor of sexual health at the University of American Samoa. “Maintaining that level of sexual effort at his age must be done safely. I actually recommend backing tracks. He might consider hiring a dance troupe with flashy costumes to distract his audience during the performance, too.”

As of press time, John-Dean announced a world tour with Frankie Vallie, featuring a record-breaking 500 stops to the bathroom.

Absolutely Disgusting: This Man Reuses His Toilet

Posted on by Steve Packosky

These days, as civility and decency become more and more difficult to find, it seems that there’s no limit to the levels of depravity proudly exhibited by others. What once might have been seen as stomach-churning behavior is now commonplace, and respectable citizens are frequently shocked by these sick displays of perversion and deviance. As such, meet 36-year-old Jeremy Cole of Marion Center, Pennsylvania, who has been reusing the toilet of his one bedroom apartment ever since he moved into it two years ago.

Two years. Disgusting.

According to our sources, the seemingly normal Cole manages to fool his friends and family by upholding a job as a software engineer at a nearby logistics company. He’s even been in a steady relationship with a woman he met at the gym for the past several months. However, we find it impossible to believe that anyone in his life is aware of his ghastly ritual of urinating and defecating into the same vessel every day. How could they be? The loathsome creature has apparently been pulling the wool over their eyes for years, retreating into his den of iniquity and corruption to repeat the fetishistic pursuit with appalling regularity. We feel ourselves growing nauseous at the mere thought of it. How is it that one person can stir such feelings of loathing and revulsion in his fellow man?

But wait, it gets even worse. Once a week, the vile beast engages in the unconscionable activity of cleaning his toilet with a bleach-based solvent and brush that he has designated specifically for this purpose. 

Ugh, what the fuck? He even reuses the brush, again and again and again! 

Is this done to maintain his facade of being a normal, upstanding member of society, or is it something darker? Unfortunately for all of us, we believe Cole does this in anticipation of further defiling the poor device with the future leavings of his bowels and bladder. 

Seriously, what is wrong with this man?

Will Cole continue this gut-wrenching lifestyle of his, or will someone in his life finally confront him and tell him his actions are offensive and backward? We can only pray for the latter, because we don’t want to live in a world where such impropriety is tolerated.

Make-A-Wish Kid’s Request To Meet Queensrÿche’s Guitarist Clearly Influenced by Father

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ANCHORAGE, Alaska — The Make-A-Wish request made by nine-year-old cancer patient Corey Sawyer to meet Queensrÿche guitarist Michael Wilton was clearly influenced by his father, 48-year-old Rick Sawyer, sources report.

“Queensrÿche are absolute pioneers of the progressive metal genre,” the younger Sawyer monotoned in an obvious regurgitation of his father’s words. “They took the technical proficiency of popular bands of the ‘70s and ‘80s, like Queen and Van Halen, and seamlessly transformed it into a subgenre of metal that’s still around today. Do you think we’d have bands like Dream Theater, Symphony X, and even more extreme bands like Opeth, without Queensrÿche? There’s no way, so my da—I mean, I’m really excited to meet their original guitarist. There’s no way I would’ve rather gone to Super Nintendo World in Japan over this.”

Corey’s dad was proud of his son’s supposed decision.

“My little Corey really has great taste, doesn’t he?” the elder Sawyer beamed as he gathered an extensive collection of Queensrÿche merch he’d amassed over the past three decades to be signed. “I’m so proud of my little guy for wanting to meet the guitarist who was so instrumental in creating our favorite subgenre of metal. Corey loves to listen to me go on about growing up as the only Queensrÿche fan in my school while we listen to ‘Operation: Mindcrime’ on repeat. The other day he was so content while I was explaining to him the intricacies of their lead work that he fell asleep. I can tell he’s just beside himself with excitement to meet my—I mean, his favorite guitarist.”

Wilton was confused by his experience.

“I think Make-A-Wish is great, so when they contacted me to meet one of their patients, I was happy to do it,” Wilton said. “However, when I got there, Corey appeared to be absolutely bored out of his mind, and his dad kept thrusting old shirts and hats for me to sign ostensibly for his son. The kid even took out his Nintendo Switch and started playing Fortnite in the middle of our meeting, which his father didn’t even notice as he was asking me about my experience writing ‘Rage for Order’ and taking the band into a proggier direction in the mid-‘80s. I’m beginning to wonder who made the decision to request for me to come out here.”

At press time, Make-A-Wish employees were skeptical of the elder Sawyer’s latest request for VIP Dokken tickets.

Chipotle Worker Shot After Impeding Ice Agent’s Investigation of Lunch

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — Blake Clansmyn, an agent with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), allegedly shot a worker at Chipotle who impeded his investigation into lunch, sources report.

“I walked into Chipotle and immediately initiated an investigation into whether they still had carnitas or if I would need to wait. Some uppity fucker behind the counter tells me I can have the half-scoop of carnitas that’s left, probably because they overscooped for everyone else. Then I’m told to stop hovering over the employees because it’s making them nervous, and get to the back of the line. Fearing for my life, I took action,” Clansmyn said while furiously scratching his balls. “It takes a lot of calories to peel children away from their mothers’ legs, punch high schoolers in the back of the head, and demand proof of citizenship from stray dogs. My per diem only covers one meal and three packs of ZYNs a day. If you impede my lunch, you impede an ICE operation, and that puts the entire country at risk. It’s domestic terrorism. I had no choice but to shoot that mouthy bitch right then and there.”  

The worker, Sofia Rodríguez, disputed Clansmyn’s assessment of the carnitas situation.

“[Clansmyn] said he was in a hurry and really wanted carnitas, so I told him that he could either have the last bit or wait for the next batch. That’s when the shooting started,” Rodríguez said while waiting another hour for ICE’s medic to arrive. “It took him five shots before a bullet finally grazed my ear, and he was only a few feet away. One of the missed shots blew up the container in the kitchen with the marinating carnitas in it, so now no one gets any carnitas. After the smoke cleared, he unzipped, itched his balls, and left. Does he have a fungal infection or something?”

Gary Marks, a use-of-force expert, said the shooting couldn’t be justified.

“After reviewing security camera footage, it’s clear there were other suitable meats available, such as barbacoa and chicken. It’s not like the worker offered that Sofritas shit as an alternative to carnitas. ICE is completely out of control,” Marks said. “I also suggest ICE get more than 30 minutes of firearms training before being let loose on the population.”

As of press time, Clansmyn fired his weapon again after fearing for his life during an encounter with another ICE agent.

We Catch up With Longtime Dave Matthews Band Bassist, What’s-His-Name

Posted on by Jeff Bender

Dave Matthews Band has experienced a lot in its 35 years: the death of its saxophonist, LeRoi Moore, the departure of its violinist, Boyd Tinsley, and an unfortunate septic accident over Chicago’s Kinzie Street Bridge. But through it all, one guy has endured. Well, two guys. Three if you count Carter Beauford (which you should — some say it should be called the “Carter Beauford Band”). Anyway, one guy is with us today. We’ll call him “the bassist.” We caught up with the bassist on Zoom. 

The Hard Times: First of all, wow, what an honor. 

Bassist: Ha, thank you. I’m actually a fan of yours as well. 

Let’s get right to it. What’s . . . what’s bass like? 

Bass? Bass is my livelihood. I’ve—

Would you consider yourself a “real” bassist? 

What do you mean? 

Like sometimes you get a guy who seems to just want to be in a band. 

No, I’m into it. 

And then there’s the bassist who wanted to be the guitarist. 

I’m fully committed. 

To bass?

Yeah. 

Wait . . . you set out to play bass? 

Is that a bad thing? 

Maybe not if you’re, like, Victor Wooten or Les Claypool. 

I know both of them. We all share a—

House? 

I was going to say “fanbase.” 

I thought you were going to say “house.” 

We’re friends.

You and Dave? 

Me and Les and Victor. 

What’s Dave like? 

Dave? He’s Dave, you know. We’ve been friends since—

You’re friends with Dave?! 

Of course. 

Hypothetical: Dave invites Les Claypool to play onstage. Would you play bass too? 

What’s the song? 

“Tripping Billies.” 

I guess it depends. 

I think you’d play tambourine. You’d be like, “This is Les Claypool, I’m . . . who I am . . . I’ll stand aside and play tambourine.

I don’t see that happening. 

What if Dave made you? 

We don’t play “Tripping Billies” much anymore. 

Too much violin? 

Exactly. 

Boyd Tinsley. 

Yes.  

Also, it hasn’t aged well. It’s like watching “The Cosby Show” and thinking, “Am I gonna get in trouble for this?” 

I don’t understand. 

You don’t watch “The Cosby Show”? 

I mean it’s been a while. 

Right now I’m watching “Workin’ Moms.” Does the bassist for Dave Matthews Band watch “Workin’ Moms”? 

I’ve seen some episodes. 

It’s four working moms in Toronto—Kate, Anne, Jenny, and Frankie—as they struggle to achieve work-life balance. 

What’s your question? 

Do you think Dave ever struggles to achieve work-life balance? 

Why don’t you ask Dave? 

OMG, do you think we could call him?! 

Historian Discovers Sternly Worded Letter Chuck Schumer’s Ancestor Sent to Genghis Khan

Posted on by Tim Graham

BAGHDAD — Historians recently discovered a sternly worded document from Senator Chuck Schumer’s ancestor that amounted to a “tepid appeal” to the invading Mongols, asking them to listen to reason, sources at University of Baghdad confirm.

“The letter is dated just before the Mongolian siege of Baghdad in 1258,” said professor Ahmed Khazan. “After some genealogical research, I was able to track the author’s lineage. Imagine my surprise when I discovered his living relative to be US senator Chuck Schumer! The simpering message bears resemblance to Schumer’s own ineffectual contemporary pleas for restraint to Donald Trump. Schumer’s ancestor asked Khan and his approaching horde to ‘cool it’ and meet with tribal leaders for calm discussion to reach a compromise rather than sack the city.”

Senator Schumer says he’s not surprised that he’s related to the author of such a milquetoast letter.

“I come from a long line of cowards and capitulators. 23andMe’s words, not mine,” confessed Schumer while putting on a fresh pair of groveling kneepads. “The modern Schumers, just like our ancient relatives, are a very nonconfrontational family. It turns out it can be quite lucrative to pander to your base and make performative challenges to power while surreptitiously working to sustain the status quo. We like to play both sides, as it were. My ancestor actually opened the city gate for the Mongol horde when it was clear his feeble pleading wouldn’t work, a move that spared him his life. I wouldn’t be here today if that man hadn’t been such a colossal milksop.”

Evolutionary biologist Henry Slesar asserts that cowardice is an important but lesser-known survival trait.

“When people think of ‘survival of the fittest,’ they think of offensive traits such as fangs and claws, or defenses like hard shells and spikes,” said Slesar. “But cowardice is another powerful defensive tactic. Cowards use their guile and cunning to weasel their way out of jams, ensuring that they live another day, thus increasing their chances of reproduction and passing on their genetic material. This is different from a gazelle, which uses speed to evade danger. Cowards use their wits to escape harm, even sometimes by offering up another victim in their place to the predator in order to save themselves.”

At press time, newly translated texts show that Schumer’s ancestor lived through the siege of Baghdad and subsequently went on a profitable tour promoting his new scroll, which documented his “heroic survival story.”