Jeff Dunham’s Most Racist Puppet Tapped to Host White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — The White House Correspondents’ Association surprised potential guests by announcing Jeff Dunham’s most racist puppet, Bubba J, will host their annual dinner event in hopes of attracting President Trump, sources confirmed.

“The Correspondents’ Dinner is a wonderful event where we get to raise money and lightly roast the Commander-in-Chief, but historically President Trump hasn’t attended because he’s afraid someone might make fun of his hair, his weight, how bad he smells, his huge ass, his makeup, his terrible children, his subpar intellect, his multiple felonies, just to name a few,” said WHCA Officer Sara Lockerbie. “We know Bubba J isn’t like our normal hosts. Bubba J likes NASCAR, drinking Bud Light, and eating roadkill. We figure maybe the president will like that more than an SNL cast member. But hey, with how things are going right now, most journalists might be executed before the event so this could all be pointless.”

Bubba J admitted he was initially hesitant to accept the offer to host.

“I heard they were serving dinner, but I doubt it was anything I’d like. I like to eat me some possum and skunk stew fresh from the highway,” said Bubba J while pausing for laughter that will never come. “I’m just your average guy. I like watching car races, storming government buildings, and setting the woods on fire behind my house. I’d love the President to hear some of my jokes. I got a really good one about how toads should be able to drive, and how I love to drink beers. I’ve also got some great material about maintaining the purity of the American bloodline that will crush. In fact, David Duke loved my act when the KKK put on a Comedy Central-like roast of him.”

President Trump still has not given any indication if he will attend the event or not.

“I’ve seen the comedians that host the dinner. They aren’t funny. At my campaign stops I always had people laughing. I say we need to lock up Hilary Clinton and they double over laughing. People tell me I’m the funniest person in the world. Just the other day I had Joe Rogan come up to me, very funny man, a short man, way shorter than you might think, and he tells me I should do standup,” said Trump. “I’ve seen Bubba J before, I have to admit he’s pretty good, but I don’t like the people he hangs around with. There is that skeleton terrorist, that’s a bad dude. And the jalapeno friend of his is even more dangerous. Keep that puppet away from your daughter.”

At press time, Dunham admitted to being in awe of Elon Musk’s puppet work with President Trump.

Trump Claims Illegal Immigrants Taking Up Majority of Guest List Spots at Sold-Out Shows

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump attempted to justify his policy of mass deportations by claiming illegal immigrants are taking up the majority of all guest list spots at sold-out shows and concerts working Americans so desperately want to attend, sources confirmed.

“Joe Biden opened our borders and let some of the most sadistic criminals from all over the world into this country. Those people came here to do a bunch of illegal stuff, stuff so illegal I don’t even want to talk about it because it will give you nightmares, but they also came to take up coveted guest list spots that average Americans depend on to see their favorite musical acts,” said Trump. “Just the other day, I had a Marine come up to me, a real tough guy, he was so distraught and looked like he’d been crying. He said to me ‘Mr. Trump, I love you, you are the reason I decided to be born and serve this country. But I tried to see my favorite rock band the other night, but the guest list was all members of MS-13.’ I’m going to make sure this never happens again.”

Immigration advocates claim this is just more fear-mongering from the Trump administration.

“Trump has been claiming that migrants are taking up guest list spots since he announced his first campaign in 2015. We crunched the numbers and found that since 2016 less than .000000000001% of guest list attendees have been undocumented. The majority of migrants are honest, law-abiding people who are here to do jobs most Americans refuse to do, they aren’t here to mosh at an American Nightmare anniversary show,” said Anna Gomez, an immigration lawyer in Philadelphia. “Historically, guest list spots are reserved for the band’s girlfriends or boyfriends, old roommates, and a few acquaintances who are brave enough to text a band member they haven’t talked to in years in hopes of getting into a show for free.”

Dusty Wiltz, the lead vocalist and guitarist of a pro-Trump rock group MAGAnified, hopes the president’s policies will help the low attendance at his band’s shows.

“We have been playing every county fair and dive bar we can and so far we’ve only sold about 15 t-shirts. I firmly believe it’s because the Biden administration screwed the economy so bad that people are afraid to listen to live music,” said Wiltz. “It’s clear that people are scared to go outside because they will be sex trafficked by a Mexican drug cartel that Kamala Harris funded with her campaign money. Once all these criminals are out of the country MAGAnified fans will be out in full force and we will be selling out arenas across the South.”

President Trump is also expected to sign an executive order stating that all sound guys must be assigned male at birth.

“I Like This Song!” and Other Signs That a Drake Track was Ghostwritten

Posted on by Chad Kubrak

It’s 2025 and after over a decade of unchallenged mainstream hegemony, your hatred of Drake has been vindicated. Look, we all get it. After the beef, not even my favorite verses hit anymore. I’ve already reclassified “Take Care” as a Weeknd album, insisted to myself that Future carried “What a Time to Be Alive” enough that I’ve started to believe it, and the rules are that a sue-happy, upper-middle-class Canadian isn’t allowed to make “If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late.” Sorry, but those are the rules. But I mean, is there really such a thing as a “Drake” song?

We all still fall victim to the Drizzy effect from time to time. You might hear “Headlines” or “Middle of the Ocean” and go, “damn, I really like this song!” Before the guilt overwhelms your helplessly infatuated eardrums, sit back and remind yourself, “There’s no chance he actually wrote this one!” With that said, here’s some tips on sifting out those pesky ghostwritten cuts in Drake’s discography.

I Like This Song! (Only Reliable Post-2018)

While we all yearn for the glory days of pre-lipo Drizzy, it’s best to accept that our favorite Canadian just isn’t capable of churning out another “Tuscan Leather.” Chances are, if you’re listening to anything from “Scorpion” or later and like it, the boy’s pen didn’t touch it. Good melodies? Clever punchlines? A cohesive track that sounds like it could be played out of anything besides a cologne-drenched BMW? You, dear reader, are listening to a ghostwritten song.

The Rhyme Schemes Incorporate More Than “-otion”

“Locomotives my preferred means of locomotion / Crodie and I don’t do demotions, only promotions / Baddies on my boat in Turks, eating cake in the ocean.” Is this a line we made up, or from a prestige producer-assisted track posted on Instagram for three minutes and then promptly deleted at the first sign of criticism? If you have to ask yourself this question, chances are, you’re listening to an authentic Drake original.

Name-Dropped Women Are of Age

Are you hearing lines about Nia Long? LaLa Anthony? Maybe a Jenner sister? Time to raise the red flags, because Drizzy almost certainly isn’t interested. References to voluptuous Moroccan models? Consider the song ghostwritten. The only time the Boy wants anything to do with an Instagram model is when it comes to breaking up his professional and personal friendships. Self-incriminating owns are core to Drake’s ethos, so if we’re not hearing our man rapping about “a milli” and don’t know if he’s talking funds or romance, tread carefully!

African-American History and Black Women Are Spoken About Respectfully

If The Boy isn’t evoking slavery to talk about sex or to disparage the Black radical tradition, chances are, you’re listening to a ghostwritten cut. If any comments about race read as distinguishable from the following phrases –– “Blacks are the real racists!” or “It was 400 years ago, buster!” –– with simultaneous use of the N-word, it’s not a Drake track! Similarly, look out for bars that are respectful of Black women. If these references don’t reek of past rejection, insecurity, reflect the views of Drizzy’s favorite redpill forums, or result in getting smoked by Megan Thee Stallion, you’re listening to a ghostwritten cut.

Only One Accent is Used

Self-explanatory.

Punk Awakes in Cold Sweat With Realization That LA Wildfires Might Inspire Red Hot Chili Peppers to Write New Music

Posted on by Trevor Graham

LOS ANGELES — Local punk Corey Lambert awoke in the middle of the night in a cold sweat after realizing that the devastating Los Angeles wildfires could inspire Red Hot Chili Peppers to make new music, sources who ringa-dinga-donged the donga-dong-bing-bong confirmed.

“Oh God, could it be true? Could the fires that devastated so much of LA prompt them to come back and do some sort of tribute song about California again? Haven’t we already been through enough? May God have mercy on us all,” said Lambert as he sat shivering on his bed in the dark. “They could be out there somewhere right now digging up even more recycled Parliament bass lines and laying down embarrassing rap bars about drought and Santa Ana winds or whatever. I may never sleep again.”

Red Hot Chili Peppers singer Anthony Kiedis says that while the band has not officially decided to make new music he has been in the process of writing lyrics for a song about the wildfires.

“The fires were pretty crazy, man, but it has sparked some new creativity in me. I can already hear the songs forming in my head. I could see us really branching out from our typical tracks about California to all new styles of songs about the Golden State we’ve never done before,” said Kiedis. “So far I was thinking of like some soft ballad called ‘California-burna-fication.’ Or maybe a funky new jam to honor the brave firefighters called ‘Funky Flame-a Flicka Flicka Fire Fighter.’ I think they would really appreciate our gift of music to them.”

Los Angeles City councilman Janice Carlisle says in addition to fears of new music from the band she has concerns that it could possibly lead to a benefit concert.

“What we on the city council are troubled by is the possibility of the Red Hot Chili Peppers staging a benefit concert or worse yet a full blown festival,” said Carlisle. “The residents of this city have suffered enough and I can’t in good conscience allow the Chili Peppers along with other past-their-prime LA acts like Jane’s Addiction, or Guns N’Roses, or God help us Weezer play an overwrought, unnecessary ‘benefit’ festival. We might as well just let the whole city burn at that point.”

At press time, Lambert was reportedly awakened again with the realization that the current political climate could inspire System of a Down to write new music.

5 Sex Toys That Will Make Her Say, “Just Let Me Do It”

Posted on by Rachel Hein

Female pleasure can be confusing and scary. That’s why these highly sophisticated toys exist. They are actually designed for anyone who wants to be involved in a woman’s pleasure, like in the room, but in no way responsible for it.

Motorized Tongue

Playboy Pleasure True Indulgence

This motorized tongue has 9 stroking speeds and rhythm patterns that humiliate the human tongue by targeting the exact pattern and speed she needs to get there and then maintaining it for longer than the human man, for instance, might think.

Suction

Lelo Sona 2 Cruise

With 12 settings, sonic pulsing that reaches “the internal structure of the clitoris,” patented “Cruise Control” technology, and weeks of battery life, this puppy just needs a conductor who knows exactly which button to push and exactly when to push it. And that conductor is her, not you. You just sit and watch, k babe?

Remote Control

We-Vibe Sync 2

Featuring 10 intensities and an adjustable size to fit her body like a glove, this one allows a partner to hold a remote and press random buttons like the remote control cars of their youth, perhaps even exclaiming, “Vroom vroom!” Do not be alarmed if she nods and smiles as if to say “Wow, look at you, good job!” before gently taking the remote from you to finish the job.

Pinpoint

Lelo Dot Clitoral Pinpoint Vibrator

A pinpoint tip made of bendable silicone that warms when it touches her skin paired with patented “Infinite Loop” technology encourages rolling or stacked orgasms. The only thing standing in the way of you and those multiple rolling orgasms she so craves is finding the right spot using the tip the size of a toothpick. Good luck, babe!

The OG Magic Wand

Official Hitachi Magic Wand Original

The original 70s classic. The one her grandmother had in her nightstand next to her dentures. The one that you can hear from across the street. With a cord that plugs into the wall and only two settings, this thing’s so diesel it could make someone cream their jeans — which should make it a layup for you to use on her, right? Wrong. She associates this with her childhood bed and the first time she learned what she liked, so you don’t have a prayer, my friend. This hunk of plastic and silicone is too deeply woven into the fabric of her sexual psyche. A place you’ll never touch. This is a dragon only she commands.

How To Get Him in the Mood By Reminding Him Saint Valentine Was Beaten with Clubs and Decapitated

Posted on by Rachel Hein

They say the key to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but what about his mind? That big, powerful mind far too busy thinking the big thoughts to care about frivolous things like Valentine’s Day or basic hygiene? It seems counterintuitive, but that same part of his brain that made him think seeing Gladiator 2 would be a great way to spend your birthday can actually be used to get him into Valentine’s Day!

Smell his roses, eat his chocolates, then spice it up by reminding him of the martyrdom and horrific death of Saint Valentine: patron saint of lovers, beekeepers/beekeepresses, epileptics, and now your heart. Just follow these 10 easy steps!

STEP 1: Slip into something lacy, gloss your lips, and light a bunch of candles. Perhaps place them in the shape of a cross, up to you.

STEP 2: Stroke his bicep and ask him how often he thinks about the Roman Empire.

STEP 3: Respond, “haha, I love that” and play with his hand in yours.

STEP 4: Ask him if he would still love you if he was on active duty serving in the Roman army.

STEP 5: When he says yes, ask him if he thinks married men make for worse soldiers during unrestricted wartime.

STEP 6: When he says “Uh, I don’t know” remind him Pagan Emperor Claudius Gothicus thought so, and when Saint Valentine defied his ban on the sacrament of marriage by secretly marrying Christian couples, he was beaten with clubs and beheaded outside the Flaminian Gate in Rome.

STEP 7: Giggle softly, toss your hair exposing your stunning collarbone, and say “Isn’t that crazy?”

STEP 8: Rest your head on his lap and gaze up at him. Ask if he would surrender to martyrdom like Saint Valentine by refusing to renounce his undying love for you and taking you as his wife, even if it meant immediate public execution of flogging followed by an axe to the base of the skull, leaving him but a bloody pulp in the town square.

STEP 9: Aggressively flutter lashes and wait for his response.

STEP 10: If he says anything other than “Of course, baby”: SCREAM, knock over the candles setting fire to his home, and storm out.

Crust Punk Plans Romantic Valentine’s Day for Partner with Trail of Loose Cigarettes Leading to Dirty Mattress

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEW YORK — Local crustie Joel McCaffrey was seen excitedly planning a romantic Valentine’s Day evening for his partner by leaving a trail of loose cigarettes from their front door leading to their dirty floor mattress, neighbors have confirmed.

“Normally we don’t acknowledge Valentine’s Day because it’s a scam holiday perpetrated by corporations and restaurants with dress codes, but Kelly and I have been together for ten years now and I wanted to do something special. So I saved all the loose cigarettes we’ve bummed from people at shows over the last year and used them to make a path through our apartment to the mattress we took from the house we used to squat in,” said McCaffrey. “I handpicked a robust bouquet of Marlboros, Pall Malls, and American Spirits complete with lipstick stains from the ones she’s already used. I can’t wait to see her face when she walks in, provided I’m not passed out in bed when she gets back.”

McCaffrey’s girlfriend had suspected he was up to something, but was surprised nonetheless.

“Joel isn’t exactly the lovey-dovey type so I didn’t think anything of it when he wasn’t smoking any of the cigarettes he was bumming from people at the bar last week. But this is hands down the sweetest thing he’s ever done for me. He even spelled out my name in all the lighters we borrowed and never returned,” said Kelly Greene. “This is the second most romantic gesture he’s done for me with cigs since he burned my name into his ass with lit ones for our five-year anniversary. Lightly rubbing the mattress with a scented dryer sheet really got me in the mood too. How did I get so lucky?”

Relationship experts agreed that McCaffrey’s plans showed he truly knew his partner.

“The love languages aren’t black and white as people have been led to believe. Sure, acts of service and words of affirmation are nice but there are lots of happy couples out there who bond over utter degeneracy and crowd killing at shows,” said marriage counselor Wendy Nicholls. “Cigarettes strewn across the floor of a dirty apartment is no less valid than a romantic candlelight dinner. It’s all about that personal touch.”

McCaffrey later capped off the romantic evening by gifting Greene an ornate Edible Arrangement he stole from their neighbor’s doorstep right after it was delivered.

Frontman Accidentally Lets Out Best Scream of Career After Requesting Representative on Customer Service Call

Posted on by Tyler Roland

FORT WORTH, Texas — Local metal frontman Frank Fortibus inadvertently let out the best scream of his entire career during a call with customer service, deafened sources report.

“Well, they always have you talking to some machine, and that wasn’t gonna cut it,” said Fortibus, lead singer of Tungsten Hound. “And they can’t hear for shit, plus they take you through, like, 10 goddamn menus and make you press a bunch of numbers. I really had to make it known that a representative was what I was after. So I let it rip. Unfortunately, that was the best fucking scream I ever laid down. Really kicking myself for not calling in the studio. Over 500 performances with my band, and this topped them all. Next show I’ll be sure to call my credit card company to get in the right frame of mind.”

Fortibus’ bandmates were upset that the singer hadn’t put his outburst to proper use.

“We really needed this kind of vocal enthusiasm when we were at our show in Denton the other week,” guitarist Darrell Haynes complained. “Frank sounded like he had merely stubbed his toe the whole night when we really needed him to act like he’d been on hold for two hours only to be hung up on in the end. Like, he sounded fine, but that’s not going to resonate with our audiences. He’s gotta harness this negative energy and think of this moment every night from now on.”

Professional vocal coach Riley Hale believes that this experience is valuable for all performers to keep in mind.

“It’s important to envision real-life scenarios like this on stage,” Hale said. “With bass players, if they imagine they’re playing a song they wrote themselves, that leads to a much more energetic performance. Likewise with singers. It’s all about getting to that primal core of yourself. These heavier bands need to take a trip to the DMV for inspiration. Or, they can drive during rush hour to really unlock their inner aggression. Some of the most prominent lead singers of our time were made during traffic.”

At press time, Tungsten Hound were writing a new song with a sample of an automated “Your call is important to us, please hold” message before the breakdown.

How To Explain to Your Family That, Yes, Death Grips Is Appropriate for Karaoke

Posted on by Victor Gonzalez

It’s almost inevitable that at some point in life, a member of each family brings over a karaoke machine. Karaoke is meant to help us set aside our differences in politics and religion, and have everyone sing along to their favorite tunes together. From classic songs by Queen, ABBA, and Backstreet Boys, we’ve all heard these songs over and over again. You feel like there needs to be a change. And you know just the right band to do it: Death Grips.

Not everyone sees the vision. Sometimes we need a little gentle nudge, shove, or kick towards the right direction. Here at the Hard Times we compiled a list of strategies to help you convince your family to let you take over karaoke night with the poetic lyrics of MC Ride.

Emphasizing that Death Grips is really about family bonding and connecting.

The band has been through thick and thin. With constant backlash over lyrics and imagery, the band has stuck together, showing that their bond is as strong as a family bond. They’re one of the most polarizing modern bands, but they ignore the haters, showing you that you too can overcome the criticisms of your life choices by your family and squeeze your way back into their life. The band also broke up in 2014, only to get back together in 2015, meaning that it is possible to settle your differences and reunite. So maybe there’s hope that your family will stop hanging out without you again.

Highlight some iconic lyrics from the band.

You have to let your family know that the lyrics of Death Grips are really on par with the most iconic lyrics from Bruce Springsteen or The Beatles. “Responsibility’s cool, but there’s more things in life like getting your dick rode all fucking night.”, There can’t possibly be any better lyric that encapsulates the state of society today than this. This lyric is the raw truth about the joys in life.

Or how about the line “You need a lift? You can sit between the backseat of my dick”. If you sing this while making direct eye contact with your ultra-conservative sister-in-law, they’ll know you mean business. Most people never thought that combination of words could ever go together – that’s why these lyrics are better than anything your family is used to. Checkmate Bob Dylan!

Even the Beatles admitted that their lyrics were just a bunch of gibberish, stream-of-consciousness phrases put together. Like really, does anyone know what Hey Jude is even about? Tell your family to get with the times and hop on board the MC Ride train.

Show them music videos and live performances.

Sometimes hearing it isn’t enough. You have to show, not tell. And you know how much people love it when you pull out your phone saying “Watch this video,” holding them hostage for the next fifteen minutes. You can start off the same way most of us were introduced to the band, by showing them the music video for “Guillotine”. However, if you show them the video for “You might think he loves you for your money but I know what he really loves you for…” with nearly three minutes of a close up of MC Ride’s face, they’ll feel even more connected to the artists and won’t be able to turn down a song or two. Hell, throw in a few rave reviews from Anthony Fantano to show them you’re not the only one who likes this band.

Remind them how passionate the band is.

There’s no denying the electric energy from MC Ride’s performances and Zach Hill’s drumming that these guys are passionate at what they do. If you show them live clips of Zach Hill’s intense and passionate drumming skills it’ll remind them of John Bonham, which is a foolproof way of getting them on your side.
When you put on a Death Grips song, you can’t perform it as stiff as a rock. You have to match their energy. With the proper emulated passion from singing their songs for karaoke night, you’ll have your grandmother crowd-surfing in the living room in no time.

Following these guidelines could help you out the same way it helped local piano de-tuner, Dan Shepherd, rekindle his relationship with his family, who now celebrates a monthly Death Grips karaoke night every third Friday of the month.

Man’s Debilitating Social Anxiety Mistaken for Cool Indifference

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW BEDFORD, Mass. — Friends and family of local man Rick Winston marveled at his nonchalant attitude about attending highly anticipated social events without realizing it’s actually due to severe social anxiety, sources confirmed.

“Rick is the man. He doesn’t give a shit about anything. While everyone else is out partying, creating memories that will last a lifetime, and expanding their social circle, he just stays at home and works on jigsaw puzzles. That’s a boss move,” said Eddie Greeley, Winston’s former roommate. “He’s just such a mystery. He talks your ear off when you hang out with him alone, and the last time we hung out he made me laugh so hard I ruptured a blood vessel in my eye. But he vanishes into thin air whenever there are more than four people in a room; it’s crazy. And he legitimately doesn’t care about any of the cool new coffee shops in town, he just goes to the same Dunkin’ Donuts he’s gone to since he was 11 and orders the same exact thing every day.”

Winston admits he does not have such a positive outlook on his social life.

“It’s been this way since I was a teenager. I’ve always just felt like I was bothering people, and I find it easier just to stay home and rewatch ‘The X-Files’ for the 40th time rather than force someone to talk to me. I’ve got my tight circle of two friends, that’s all I really need,” said Winston while scouring the internet for vintage “The Simpsons” toys. “But I am really jealous of people who live their life without fear. People who can just walk into buildings and be like ‘I have an appointment’ rather than sit in their car in the parking lot for six hours trying to work up the courage to go inside.”

Sociologist Keira Guinin says many people like Winston suffer in silence while the outside world perceives them to be some sort of counter-culture badass.

“I’ve observed it more times than I can count, every friend group has at least one person who seemingly refuses to leave the house. Because this person is never around, everyone else will make up stories that are way cooler than reality,” said Guinin. “Typically the mysterious friend is not doing a solo road trip across the Southwest to work on their book of short stories. They are at home, in their sweatpants looking at cat litter reviews on Amazon to try to make their apartment a little less stinky.”

At press time, friends of Winston mistook a suicidal text he sent to an ex as a funny joke, rather than a desperate cry for help.