I Used to Love Meth Until I Learned about its Roots in Fascism

Posted on by Maksym LaRouche

Meth: It’s one of those things we all love. For many people, myself included, meth is more than just a crystal shard, it’s a lifestyle. But what I learned recently about meth shook me to my core. Behind every shard of meth, was a man, and that man’s name was Adolf Hitler.

I know this sounds crazy, but hear me out. When I started Googling “facism” for the first time after the election, I was appalled at what I read about Nazis, but what really shocked me was finding out that meth was actually developed by Nazi scientists in an attempt to create super soldiers. I was speechless, meth being used for evil? I couldn’t believe it.

At first, I tried not to think about it, but the next time I hit the pipe, I felt weird. I have friends who are Jewish and gay. I used to never understand why they kept begging me to stop smoking meth every day. But now it finally clicked. Smoking crystal in front of them reminded them of the struggles they and their families had to go through. Walter White, to them, was just another Himmler.

Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. When I smoked meth with others, I noticed their swastika tattoos for the first time. Were they always there? Or did I only start noticing them now? It was the subtle things like this that I had been blind to my whole life.

The scariest takeaway from this: meth has become ingrained in the American way of life. It’s not enough for just me to quit. People stared at me for tweaking at ShopRite, they didn’t stare at me for enabling fascism. We need to do better, America, and build a culture that looks past meth, and cares about history.

It’s crucial we build a better world, one where we can separate the art from the artist. If we can get our meat humanely, why not mix cough syrup, iodine, lye, and muriatic acid into a boil in a way that oppressed minorities can get behind. When will Congress wake up and fight the real evil?

But for now, it’s not enough to just quit smoking meth, I have to fight the injustice I helped support, I’m going to do something that isn’t rooted in evil, that will maybe help topple the rising tide of fascism. This speedball’s for you, Bernie Sanders!

Hüsker Dü Fan Celebrates 10th Anniversary of Never Saying Band Name Out Loud

Posted on by Robert Butler

MINNEAPOLIS — Local Hüsker Dü fan Paul Mallard quietly celebrated the 10-year anniversary of never saying their band name aloud to avoid potential ridicule, confirmed sources who didn’t even know he listened to them.

“In high school, they were one of those bands I’d shy away from. I knew I wasn’t ready to answer the really tough questions. Like, who are you listening to?” recalled Mallard. “In my early 20s I remember going to parties seeing people being mocked for saying ‘Hoo-ska Do.’ Before long I caught myself fully projecting this insecurity and completely humiliating people for saying it like ‘Hesker Due,’ or something close. I didn’t want to be that guy anymore. I decided it was time to grow up and never utter the name of my favorite band of all time. If all goes well I will be taking my fandom to the grave.”

Mallard’s girlfriend Ashley Drake claims secrecy over the band’s name causes strange tension in their relationship.

“I only ever attempted to read the name out loud once myself before he completely shut me down,” said Drake. “I also suggested we just call them ‘The Du’ or ‘that one band’ so we can get past this weird silent treatment. But that idea just upset him. He keeps insisting that I’m not gonna get it, because he doesn’t even get it. I guess I kind of understand. After all, what do those little dots above the letter ‘u’ even mean? No way I’m taking the time to look that up.”

Music critic Tony Pittman believes fans of hard to pronounce band names tend to hide their interest in them.

“In my business, it doesn’t take much for a fan to hide their deepest adoration for a band’s music because of their name,” recalled Pittman. “Sanguisugabogg, Sunn O))), Samhain. Some bands you should never speak of in a social setting. If someone asks you who you listen to, you must hide your voice as much as humanly possible. For instance, while pronouncing Dimmu Borgir, go ahead and fire up a nearby saw or smack a board with a hammer while some sort of noise comes out of his mouth. If that doesn’t work, you can simply show the other person what is playing on your phone screen and make them pronounce it. Just whatever you do, do not say Yngwie Malmsteen out loud.”

At press time, Mallard also quietly celebrated the 15-year anniversary of never saying the name Hoobastank out loud, mainly to avoid having to admit he listens to them.

Kanye Announces New Album “Austrian Art School Dropout”

Posted on by Matt Husser

LOS ANGELES — Kanye West followed up a Nazi-glorifying rant on ‘X’ today by announcing the surprise release of his newest studio album “Austrian Art School Dropout,” sources confirmed.

“’Austrian Art School Dropout’ is a concept album about a misunderstood genius living in Austria in 1907, and the sinister Illuminati forces that conspired to keep him out of art school but ultimately couldn’t keep his greatness down—and that young genius’ name? Yedolf Yitler,” shouted West into a megaphone spinning from a ceiling fan. “I even traveled back in time with the infinite power of my mind to play this album for baby Hitler and he was all ‘goo goo gaga, thank you Ye for sonically hitting me with this supreme knowledge.’ You’re welcome baby Hitler, I love you, I wish I could breastfeed you.”

The new album is supported by guest features ranging from Ted Nugent to rising MAGA rapper Yung Goebbels, but was released to mostly negative reviews that labeled it ‘technically competent’ but ‘kinda full of Nazi shit’.

“The concept album starts off with the forceful ‘Yetzkrieg,’ featuring a driving drum beat cleverly sampled from goose-stepping soldiers at the Nuremberg Rally, before returning back to the main character’s early art school beginnings with ‘Two Words (Mein Kampf)’,” said music critic Nate Kohler. “But by the time you get to ‘Führer Walks’ and ‘New Final Workout Solution’ it gets kind of difficult to separate the art from the genocidal Austrian artist.”

Shadow-President Elon Musk reportedly took issue with Kanye labeling him a ‘bandwagon Nazi’ after discovering a diss track titled ‘When The Berlin Wall Falls Down’.

“As a longtime supporter of Kanye and a defender of his free speech on X I feel completely betrayed that he would call me something as disgusting as a ‘Bandwagon Nazi’ when I have clearly been a fan of Hitler long before it was cool,” said Musk, pointing to the hundreds of hours he sunk into the single-player Nazi campaign in ‘Call of Duty’. “He even started the song with a skit that goes ‘Elon, I’mma let you finish but Hitler had one of the best genocides of all time’ which is so unfair when I’ve only had one month in power and Hitler had a whole decade.”

Shortly after the news broke, Kayne announced his next album would be a synth-fueled neo-nazi concept album, “1488s and Deep States.”

DOGE Teens Use Government Servers To Create Dream Girl

Posted on by Dan Katz

WASHINGTON — Elon Musk’s team of DOGE teens used their unprecedented access to federal agencies to create their dream girl using the immense computing power of the US government, totally stoked sources confirmed.

“My RTX 4080-equipped laptop is great for playing ‘Path of Exile 2’ and ‘Roblox,’ but we needed a lot more power for this. Thankfully we have the government’s servers at our disposal, and if anyone tells me I can’t use them they will be arrested. This place is fire,” explained 19-year-old Edward “Big Balls” Coristine. “We scanned into the computer everything we could think of to create the perfect woman: pages from ‘Mein Kampf,’ ‘Atlas Shrugged,’ a picture of Kaitlin Bennett. Then we fed in some sheet music from Kanye West and Grimes. Topped off with the collective works of Libs of TikTok, and ‘Rick and Morty’ fan fic. Then my boys and I just wore my younger sister’s bras on our heads, hooked up the leads to Kasumi figurine, and voila, we had a flesh and blood woman we call MaXa.”

Elon Musk expressed his excitement for the beautiful, trad wife his goon squad conjured.

“I’m not, like, just making tech here. This is a super exciting innovation, you know, in the future of companionship. Pushing the boundaries of xAI. I have leveled up MaXa so much in such a short time; with just a little more hardcore grinding, I’ll have her at level 97 within the next couple of weeks,” said Musk while jumping around wildly. “Pretty soon, I’ll be able to put her in real, live sexual situations and see how she reacts. Real sick, demented shit. You’ll love it! Probably leave her breasts as-is, though. Anything bigger than a handful and you’re risking a sprained thumb.”

Not everyone is thrilled about the development, no matter how incredible the creation of a gorgeous, magical woman might be.

“Those teenage Great Gatsby cosplayers just marched into our offices and hijacked our computer systems,” complained US Department of Energy senior analyst Lisa Brockway. “Sorry the Shermer High bullies pantsed you in gym class, but that doesn’t give your statuesque supermodel the right to throw a rager in my office and turn my department head, Mr. Donnelly, into a talking pile of feces. I don’t care if the effects will wear off – they still need to clean up their Capri-Sun garbage.”

At press time, the DOGE crew was helping Donald Trump create his own, real version of his daughter Ivanka, but they forgot to connect the doll, and the electrodes were resting on a copy of the federal tax code.

Child Protective Services Finally Called On the Lady From Megadeth’s “Youthanasia” Album Cover

Posted on by Steve Packosky

GRAND ISLAND, Neb. — Child protective services finally paid a visit to 89-year-old Bertha Gwynne after she had been clipping newborn babies upside-down to a miles-long clothesline in the field behind her house, appalled sources report.

“Frankly, I’m shocked that I got away with it for this long,” Gwynne admitted as she was handcuffed and placed into custody. “I’ve been hanging babies upside down and leaving them exposed to the elements since 1994, and I just now got caught? It’s not even like I was being surreptitious about it, either. I mean, look at my work. This clothesline extends as far as the eye can see. I’m definitely not happy that I got caught, but I guess I can be thankful that I got away with it for so long. I’m going to miss my babies, but I guess everything happens for a reason.”

Child protective services agent Jessica Nantasri was taken aback by the scene she encountered.

“I’ve been working in this agency for 12 years, and I’ve never seen anything this bad,” Nantasri said. “It was just miles and miles of upside-down humans that got progressively older the farther back you went. I consider it a failure on our part that such a horrific crime went unnoticed for so long. I can’t even begin to speculate what her motivation behind this was, much less where she got all these babies. There was also a cat on the clothesline, but that’s not in our jurisdiction, so it’s still just dangling. There are just so many questions I have, so I’m really looking forward to the police questioning Ms. Gwynne.”

Tony Morelock, one of Gwynne’s countless victims, had mixed emotions upon being freed from the clothesline.

“Obviously, I’m happy to no longer be hanging from my toes, but it would be nice if someone had intervened sooner,” Morelock said as he acquainted his body to being upright. “I’m 31 years old now, and there’s so much life that I haven’t had the chance to live because I’ve been suspended in the air like a wet t-shirt since I was born. I’m surprised that I’m even still alive, as I’ve been stuck outside wearing nothing but a diaper for my entire life. It would be one thing if we were somewhere tropical, but we’re in Nebraska, for Christ’s sake. Do you have any idea how windy it gets?”

At press time, Nantasri was so busy with the situation that she was forced to ignore yet another call regarding the monsters from the “Butchered at Birth” album cover.

We Asked Gen Alpha Kids What They Thought Vinyl Records Were for and They Quickly Devolved Into a Feral “Lord of the Flies” Society

Posted on by Dan Rice

It seems the older you get, the faster time moves. It’s amazing how quickly a technology that’s part of our daily lives one minute can become not only obsolete but forgotten. We decided to illustrate this notion by showing a group of Gen A kids some vinyl records and sure enough, they had no idea the discs were used to play music. Unfortunately, we found that while technology comes and goes in the blink of an eye, the darkness at the heart of man remains eternal.

In less than an hour of trying to determine the purpose of records, a sort of group psychosis took hold of the children. Long story short, we are currently trapped in a barricaded office as the children, adorned in war paint and brandishing crudely fashioned weapons, engage in “The Hunt.”

We should not have taken their phones away, that was our first mistake.

At first, examining the records seemed to calm the children, who were pretty anxious from nearly 30 minutes of TikTok withdrawal. They were transfixed by a lot of the artwork. One of them pulled out a copy of The Psychedelic Furs “All of The and Nothing” and said, “I saw this on my Daddy’s screen once but why is it here?” It was about what we expected, but then the children agreed that only the person holding the Psychedelic Furs LP should be allowed to speak. We thought it was pretty cool that they were naturally governing themselves and decided to give them some space for a few minutes. That was our next mistake.

We swear to god we left those little fuckers alone for 5 minutes, 10 max, but when we went back to the room they had transformed. They were wearing war paint and crude skirts fashioned from the office plants. They had torches fashioned from God knows what. The weakest of them, Henry, was being forced to eat looted vending machine candy off the floor for the amusement of the others. It was clearly time to end this little experiment, but before we could give them their phones back their leader, wearing the Psychedelic Furs sleeve on his head like a hat, took notice of our presence, pointed his finger at us, and shouted “BEAST!” That’s when we noticed the spears, and the bloodlust in their once innocent eyes. We got the fuck out of there as fast as we could.

We’re not sure how many they’ve killed, surely there are other groups barricaded in rooms like we are and God willing one or two made it to the elevator and sent for help, but with each passing minute our hopes of rescue become dimmer, and the children’s ingenuity grows. You know in horror movies where a killer kid starts crying and saying they’re sorry and some sap opens the door only for the kid to go ballistic and stab them? We’ve heard three of those play out already.

If you’re reading this for the love of God send help. We’re getting hungry, which means so are they.

Punk’s Work Ethic No Match for His Drinking Ethic

Posted on by Ben Friedman

DULUTH, Minn. — Exasperated coworkers of punk Jimmy Alpin threatened to quit after watching his work ethic repeatedly be eclipsed by his drinking ethic, sources have confirmed.

“The day I say out loud that my passion in life is to process insurance claims is the day you can shoot me. This job is simply to fund my passion project, which is working up a tolerance to drink an entire bottle of Malört in one sitting. If I forget to email my boss about a super important account, it’s not like the sun won’t rise the next day,” said Alpin. “I put a lot of effort into getting my BAC into that sweet spot in order to make this job tolerable, so I don’t appreciate HR’s comments about my priorities being misplaced. Maybe they’re still mad about all those shooters I strategically hid in all the office plants.”

Alpin’s coworkers were growing tired of him placing casual drinking over one solid day of work.

“Jimmy is a nice enough guy but being his desk neighbor is absolute hell. We constantly have to carry his workload because he’s too busy planning the office happy hour guest list with the intensity of a high stakes day trader. I’m doing both our jobs and believe me, I fucking wish I could be sauced right now,” said Craig Abramowitz. “I have no idea how he keeps getting away with it! Four times now he’s gotten drunk at lunch and was reimbursed for it being a business expense. If I wasn’t getting home at 8 pm every night from picking up his slack, his commitment would be impressive.

Human resources noted that Alpin was not the only one who was putting their personal lives above work.

“Well this is partially our fault, because right after we ended the ability to work from home many of our employees came back to the office with some extra ‘skills.’ Jimmy is now one of many professional drinkers here, but it’s not as bad as the IT department starting a ska band. They hold daily practices in the break room and it’s impossible to relax,” said Senior HR Coordinator Janey Lewis. “Plus, I think Jimmy and some others are secretly selling our office furniture on the side. I could’ve sworn we had more desks in here.”

As of press time, Alpin received a promotion after impressively outdrinking the entire executive board at a company retreat.

Trump Consults Legal Team to Figure Out Hush Money Payments After Fucking Nation

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump met with his team of lawyers to discuss potential hush money payments to 335 million citizens after another round of fucking America raw, sources confirmed.

“I want to make it clear that the nation begged for this. I was elected in a landslide, no president has ever had as many votes as me. It was almost a perfect score, perfect votes, the voting was perfect. Most of these people should actually be paying me,” said Trump from the Oval Office. “These payments will just be to shut everyone up and make it so they can’t keep complaining. Look, some lunatics, real sick people, radical people with brains made out of mud and horse manure will say I’m bad at my job. But I’m just going to keep fucking this country until they love me. And I’m great at fucking, one of the best. One time I met Peter North and he actually asked me for tips, he looked like he was about to cry, but I said ‘Peter, just grab them by the pussy and shake them around’ and that’s how I invented squirting. Ask any woman, they love it.”

Democratic Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries says his party is trying to craft a cohesive message to combat Trump.

“Honestly, it’s kind of hot sitting back and watching Trump fuck the nation so hard. But at the end of the day us Democrats were too busy fucking ourselves and we took our eyes off the prize,” said Jeffries from a leather chair in the corner of the room. “My biggest problem is that this seems to be a three-way between Trump, the Nation, and Elon Musk, and I can’t just sit here stroking off while an unelected billionaire raw dogs this great country. Once the nation opens its eyes and sees Elon’s pale, husky torso thrusting above them, we hope everyone will wake up and we can start putting together a plan to fight back.”

Right-wing political pundit Ben Shapiro believes the hush money payments are totally unnecessary.

“I find it ridiculous, any person, or country lucky enough to make love with Trump wouldn’t need to be paid to keep quiet. If Trump was to grace my bed with his presence I’d be shouting it from the rooftops,” said Shapiro. “I’d love 15 minutes with him, totally nude, exploring each other and laughing like little school boys. It’s a dream of mine that my wife hates hearing about, but since she knows that I’m the man of the house she will often dress up as Trump in the bedroom to help bring the fantasy close to reality.”

At press time, Meta founder Mark Zuckerberg encouraged more masculine energy on his platforms by allowing users to share nude AI photos of Trump for all to see.

Report: Record Scratch Still Best Way To Know You Walked into Wrong Bar

Posted on by Trevor Graham

NEW YORK — A groundbreaking new study from Columbia University seemingly proves that the sound of music abruptly ending with a record scratch upon entering an establishment is still the best indicator that a person has walked into the wrong bar.

“Based on extensive research conducted over several decades of incidents occurring from individuals entering bars that differ from their cultural or socio-economical status, the data strongly suggests that there is a 97.6% chance that hearing music stop with a record scratch as soon as you enter indicates you have walked into a place you shouldn’t have,” said researcher Thomas Clavin. “It also suggests that if the music starts up again after a few moments of silence it is safe to venture farther in and order a drink. However, if you were to order something like a craft IPA and the record scratch happens again it’s best if you leave immediately.”

One participant in the study says his experiences corroborate the study, especially in his continually gentrified neighborhood of Bushwick in Brooklyn, New York.

“So, my friends told me to meet them at the unmarked bar across from the artisanal pudding shop, and the second I get there and open the door the music stopped with a ‘SCERRREERRUURH’ sound,” said Jake Robinson. “That’s when I knew I had walked into the wrong establishment and that my friends meant the other unmarked place across from the other artisanal pudding shop. It also happened to the next four guys that came in after me. The weird part was that this place didn’t even have a record player.”

B-list film director Jeffery Knight who has made such low-budget action films as “Mercenary School” and “The Crushening” says that while the record scratch is the best way to know you walked into the wrong bar, there are others.

“Sure, the old record scratch is a good one but let’s say you make your way into a pub and you hear someone say ‘Looks like the circus is in town’ or even something as simple as the sound of a glass breaking followed by the screeching sound of a barstool being pushed back. Oh, you are really in the wrong place,” said Knight. “There’s also just the classic sound of a baby crying in the distance. Although if you hear a baby in a bar, you being in the wrong place is the last thing you need to worry about.”

At press time, Columbia researchers say that they have begun a new study that shows the best way to know if you have walked into a restaurant that is out of your price range is when the dining room goes silent except for a comically timed sound of a champagne cork popping.

Shrinkflation? My Hotel Room Doesn’t Have a Cuck Chair

Posted on by Ben Friedman

I am sick and tired of these corporations shamelessly screwing over the working class. Whether it be groceries, household goods, and even the hospitality industry, everywhere you look we’re getting less and less of a value for our dollar because some greedy boardroom bastards need to find some arbitrary way to increase profits to enrich themselves.

But tonight the shrinkflation epidemic has gone too far, because upon checking into this hotel with my wife and her boyfriend, I’ve found the room is deprived of a cuck chair.

As a longtime member of the La Quinta loyalty program it’s a slap in the face to people like me, a regular customer who books this hotel once a month so another man can satisfy my wife in ways that I cannot. But no, here I am perched on the dresser like some cuckold gargoyle because management couldn’t spring an extra $200. Do they expect me to sit on the other queen bed like some kind of third wheel? Come on.

I can understand, taken with a grain of salt, that businesses are tightening their belts out here because materials and resources are becoming more expensive. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a barely comfortable lounge chair slightly obscured by shadow from which I can watch my wife get railed by this guy she’d been sexting with on Reddit. I am literally getting less bang for my buck!

And don’t think I haven’t also noticed there are fewer hand towels for which I use to wipe my wife’s bull’s jizz off her tits? I might as well use my hands like I did that one time. This has the foul stench of private equity firms written all over it. What other entity would sink so low as to squeeze the working class out of our cuck chairs?

I’m a simple man, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask that when I book a room for the sole purpose of being emasculated by a much better-looking and endowed man, the hotel provides basic accommodations such as a poorly upholstered chair a darkened corner of the room from which I can silently jerk off and lament that this is the only thing holding my marriage together. Anything less is practically highway robbery.

La Quinta is lucky I also have a findom kink, otherwise they’d lose my business completely.