Better Safe than Sorry! I’m Punching Random Bald Guys On the Off Chance One of Them is Jeff Bezos

Posted on by Ben Friedman

There was a time when any time I’d see that obscenely wealthy asshole Jeff Bezos gracing the cover of Forbes, I’d wish I could just reach into the picture and give that cue ball looking jackass a nice hearty slap. I know it was nothing more than idyllic fantasy, but it’s hard to sit there and be okay with a society that rewards resource hoarding and the subjugation of the working class. There had to be a way to stick it to him, even if it was petty and insignificant, and send a message.

That’s when I recently began turning revenge fantasy into action. Now, I’m doing my part in the war on billionaires by punching random bald guys on the street on the off chance one of them is Jeff Bezos himself.

Some people in my community have objected to my methods, so for the sake of transparency, I want to assure everyone that any act of violence against middle-aged, follically challenged men around 5’7″ is purely out of respect for the working class and anyone who received shitty HDMI cables on Amazon. I’ve tried explaining this to the police every time I get arrested for assault, but of course, they’re going to protect the ruling class.

So far, I’ve been unsuccessful, but you never know when Bezos could be lurking, especially in this age of surveillance. For all I know, he could be one step ahead of me after listening to all my anti-capitalist rants caught on my Ring camera. He may also be using his short stature to his advantage in evading my fists of retribution.

Maybe, just maybe, Jeffrey will disembark his superyacht parked on the Amalfi Coast and deign to walk among us, like when I thought I saw him walking out of the gas station, but it turned out to be my old gym teacher. In my defense, the sun was in my eyes, but I stand by my actions.

It sounds like I’m profiling people, and that’s because I am. But this is for a good cause! I’d never forgive myself if the one time I didn’t knock out a random baldy in my path, that it turned out to be the king of exploitation. Let me ask you this: if you had a one in 750 million chance to punch an actual supervillain, but it meant punching strangers all over town who bore a slight resemblance to them, you’d take those odds, right? I thought so.

Scurvy-Ridden Band Plays Extra Shitty in Hopes Someone Throws Fruit on Stage

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk band Slice planned to play exceptionally shitty to trigger audiences to throw fruit at them in an attempt to reverse the effects of scurvy, confirmed sources.

“We played 27 shows so far, and all but one paid us in gas for our 15-passenger van. That one gave us a few five-gallon buckets of gyro meat. We’ve been eating it for four months,” said Josh Andersen, singer and guitarist for Slice. “When the scurvy set in, we tried treating it with a case of Fanta we found backstage. That didn’t work, but dripping blood from my gums while I sang absolutely fucked. Our limps looked great, too, because of how low we could hold our guitars. But then it got really hard to load the gear in and out. Everything hurt, and I could barely see to drive the van. So we decided to play super shitty to get people to throw fruit at us. I’d eat anything with vitamin C at this point, even one of those asshole Red Delicious apples.”

The plan has yet to work, according to an attendee of a recent show.

“If they have scurvy, I hope they never recover, because these are the best shows I’ve ever been to,” said Sue Lent, who follows Slice tours. “They all seemed sleepy on stage, and they played slow, but I loved the doomy twist on their songs. Josh spit blood everywhere when he sang. That was sick. The drummer broke an arm in the middle of a song, and this disgusting puss dribbled onto the kit, which was fucking awesome. The bassist threw up, and the sound guy slipped in the puke and hit his head real bad, so the entire venue sounded like a vivisection. It felt like a Gwar show. Yeah, some people in the crowd had lemons, but those were for cutting heroin, not throwing.”

Dr. Lex Ahituv, a pirate physician in Duluth, offered some recommendations.

“Due to the urgency of the situation, the band needs to bring the shitty factor into uncharted territory,” Dr. Ahituv said. “As far as throwing fruit, I recommend attendees aim for the face to maximize bioavailability. Cantaloupe, durian, and even peppers are ideal choices. Even rushing the stage and rubbing a handful of blueberries directly onto their skin could drastically improve their conditions.”

As of press time, Slice successfully elicited fruit from the audience, but only after passing out on stage midway through their second song of the set.

Top Contenders for 2028 Democrat Presidential Nomination Down to John Fetterman and Josh Shapiro, Says New AIPAC Poll

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — A new poll conducted by AIPAC found the top candidates for the 2028 presidential nomination are down to Pennsylvania politicians John Fetterman and Josh Shapiro, confirmed sources.

“I’d call the entire situation an embarrassment,” said AIPAC spokeswoman Herzliya-Hadasha. “An embarrassment of riches! But seriously, folks. On one hand you’ve got the kind of slide-rule in a suit policy wonk that makes the average blue dog’s calves cramp. That’ll play well with the suburban soccer grandmoms. And on the other, an alpha male, whose appearance makes you wonder if you accidentally switched from CSPAN to WWE RAW. Either would be a fantastic choice. Provided neither end up appearing on the Epstein list. Which is totally not a thing, by the way. And I’m not sure why people are even talking about it.”

Fetterman seemed ready to do whatever it takes to fight for Israel.

“I’m a progressive who gets things done,” said Fetterman, dressed like he just came off his shift at Auto Zone and debuting his soon-to-be iconic “Make Jordan Israel Again” ball cap. “And those things include codification of trans rights here in Pennsylvania, making sure access to abortion will always be available in the commonwealth, sensible steps towards the legalization of recreational marijuana, and an unwavering commitment to supporting Israel’s right to do whatever it wants, whenever it wants, to whomever it wants––be it Hamas resistance fighters, innocent civilians, aid workers, hospitals, refugee camps, the Freedom Flotilla, that annoying Swedish chick, or children…countless, countless children. And to do it with zero consequences, sanctions, boycotts, criticism, or anything else.”

Meanwhile, Shapiro, often viewed as the more practically minded of the two, has taken what many are calling a more nuanced approach.

“We can all agree that only a person with a heart of stone would turn a blind eye to the images we are all now forced to confront of the brutal subjugation and now literal starvation of the population of Gaza,” said the Governor. “And this is why we need to stop fighting each other, reach across the aisle, and do whatever it takes to fight the real enemies: Campus protestors. We need to adopt an appropriate battle-minded outlook. And we can do this by ensuring that our students feel safe from the threat of free speech on campus. By answering every question with ‘but do you condemn Hamas?’ And, most importantly, by stopping Zohran Mamdani from becoming the next mayor of New York City.”

When prompted about a potential “one state solution,” both candidates full-throatedly voiced their support for a land where everyone, whether they drink pop or soda, say youse or yinz, or get their hoagies at Sheetz or Wawa, can live together in peace and harmony.

Help! I’m Being Bullied by the Families of My Victims

Posted on by Doug Kolic

Bullying’s an epidemic that’s poisoning society. Take it from someone who has, unfortunately, been a victim of this reprehensible behavior. Let me be clear — nobody deserves to be bullied, ever. Especially for trivial things like how you dress, or what music you listen to, or even if the Agreed Statement of Facts you signed states that you defrauded a bunch of seniors out of everything they owned, and now their families want your head on a stick.

I’ve been targeted for months by a bunch of tormentors who’ve left me unkind voicemails and downright rotten social media posts, claiming my business endeavors have caused them undue pain and suffering. These claims are… whatever, but that still doesn’t give them the right to harass me just because I tried to help their vulnerable relatives get in on the ground floor of a sure-fire pyramid opportunity. It’s not my fault they ran out of cash before they could carry the ball over the goal line. Talk about toxic!

There’s simply no justice in this world. When they hauled me into that kangaroo court, their lawyers spent more time demonizing me than they did thanking me for trying to help a bunch of geezers achieve financial freedom. Now, I can barely enjoy myself on the lake in my new Yamaha SX190 powerboat that I bought after convincing some of them to let me invest their savings into a few guaranteed crypto pump-and-dumps, knowing the mean things they’re saying about me. It’s no wonder I turned to drugs in order to cope, and because I can afford, like, all of the drugs now.

Sure, I was already deep into the booger sugar before all this, but that was in a more fun, carefree way, not a still-really-fun-but-now-people-are-calling-me-out-and-I-don’t-like-it kind of way. With having my good name dragged through the mud, how the heck am I supposed to introduce new clients to my exciting, once-in-a-lifetime, too-good-to-be-true, multi-level marketing schemes?

Life is all about learning lessons. That’s why I’ve decided to pack up and leave this place, with the intent to grow as a person with a new outlook, a new attitude, and of course, a new alias that I can use somewhere in a new town where the fraud laws aren’t so problematic.

Aging Rock Band Enters Their Touring with a Full Orchestra Phase

Posted on by Mike Maher

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Veteran rock mainstays Ironsides officially entered the phase of their career where they tour with an orchestra, unenthused sources who hoped this day would never come confirmed.

“For years we just played the same exact setlist every night,” Ironsides singer Gary Mann said while rippin’ a Zyn. “But now we’ve totally switched things up and play the same exact setlist every night with a 100-piece orchestra! The response so far has been super responsive. Honestly, I didn’t know a lick of classical music until this tour, and man, these cats can jam! They got violins. Harps. Pan flutes. Some big honkin’ horns. You haven’t heard our classic ‘Wet Humpin’’ until you’ve heard it with a gong solo. This is some classy shit. That’s why tickets start at $300. And it’s a black-tie event. In fact, a black tie is literally all I wear on stage. There’s also intermission. And cheese.”

Klaus Hasselhoff, conductor with the Jacksonville Philharmonic, detailed how the unlikely collaboration came to fruition.

“I have never listened to Ironsides,” Hasselhoff admitted. “I don’t even listen to Ironsides when we perform. I listen to audiobook in my earbud, and just wave my baton as the orchestra plays whatever they feel like. No one notices. All these cretin fans want are tits and riffs. They are simple and unschooled. Musically, it is a disaster. Sexually, it is a revelation. Do you know how much…how do you say it in American…bomb-ass pussy I’ve gotten on this tour? And blow?! It almost make this whole thing worth the career suicide.”

Freelance music preservationist Niles Pridgen offered a biased yet bullseye take on the trend of rock bands touring with orchestras.

”No one asked for this. Not rock fans, not classical fans,” Pridgen said. “I’d say this is just a cash grab but judging from the low ticket sales, bloated production budget, and the fact that Ironsides and the Jack-Phil are sharing one U-Haul together, this is an absolute financial fuckshow and a cautionary tale of what not to do with musical instruments. I’d honestly rather listen to hick-hop or that Lou Reed Metallica album than this cock opera.”

At press time, Ironsides fired the orchestra and pawned all their gear to recoup financial losses, but continued the tour performing acapella versions of their songs.

Trump Calls in National Guard to Get Washington Under Control After Watching YouTube Video of January 6th

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Trump took control of the police in Washington, D.C. and deployed the National Guard to crack down on rampant crime and destruction after accidentally watching a 30-second YouTube clip of the January 6th riots he provoked, sources confirmed.

“This once great city that was built on the world’s most beautiful swamp is being destroyed by a horde of bearded, tubby, radical left lunatics with ill-fitting pants. Just today I watched news footage of the gorgeous Capitol Building being destroyed by these Antifa thugs sent from New York by Mamdani, who we are going to deport by the way. No way that guy is staying here, he’s gone,” said Trump from his underground bunker. “That is why today I’m calling up the National Guard to come in and restore order. Everyone in the National Guard has been begging me to let them loose, they call me up they say ‘Mr. Trump, Biden ruined this city, it’s a mess. Dogs are peeing on trees, I saw someone littering, please let us beat people up.’ Attorney General Pam Bondi, she’s great isn’t she folks? And look at those legs, they go all the way up to heaven and beyond, and she’s got a brain to match, she’s going to lead the crack down and we know she’s going to do a great job.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt explained more of the President’s logic.

“Mainstream media outlets are reporting that crime is down in the city, and that might be true statistically, but you have to remember that in 2021 there were hundreds of crimes on one single day and that is going to skew the numbers. So if you throw out the January stats, and then throw out all the other stats from the past 10 years, and then go by the numbers we just made up, you can clearly see crime is out of control,” said Leavitt. “The President says this is just a temporary measure, and once every citizen of this city agress to comply with everything the President wants then we can return to normalcy. But we just want to make it clear that any protesting, filming of police, or even if you look at a cop funny, will result in you being sent to a black site with no due process.”

Historians across the country are sending up warning signs about Trump’s actions.

“Oh yeah this is fucking bad. We’ve seen this so many times in banana republics across the globe. It’s only a matter of time before they round up me and my colleagues and summarily execute us for spreading knowledge,” said Stanford History Professor Edward Calder. “I don’t think I’ll be sticking around here. I’ve saved up some money, I’m going to buy a shack in the northern woods of Norway and try to live out the rest of my days in peace. I wish all the other Americans the best of luck, but you’re fucked.”

At press time, Congressional Democrats are deciding to fight back by doubling the amount of fundraising emails they send to constituents.

Woman Only Dating Man for His Intelligence, Personality, Depth of Character

Posted on by Malia Simon

HOUSTON — Local woman Charlotte Kissinger is reportedly only dating boyfriend Matt Bower for the truest contents of his character, sources speculated.

“I can’t help but worry Matt is being used,” said Bower’s childhood best friend Jack Bucknell. “Charlotte loves him and all, but sometimes it seems like she’s only dating him for his wit, wisdom, goodness of heart, and quality of mind. Like she has some sort of kindness fetish. You know, Matt also has abs and money. He’s pretty good at tennis. He had on some pretty cool slides yesterday, and it was like she didn’t even notice.”

Bower’s father reported concerns for his son’s stability in the relationship.

“Sure, Charlotte loves him now, but what happens when a man gets a little older?” said Henry Bower. “I’ve seen it happen before. How do we know she’s not gonna just up and leave him for someone who’s more honest, more kind? More willing to give her the love that she deserves? Seems a little dicey to me. If I know my son, I know there is a lot more to him than that. For instance, he’s tall, never had a cavity, and once hit three home runs in a single game in his amateur baseball league.”

Princeton Sociology professor Mark Davis confirmed the tendency for women to choose partners based on such traits is a heavily-studied phenomenon.

“It’s a real conundrum,” said Davis. “While men tend to choose mates based on things like hair color, weight, and an internal evaluating system which scientists call ‘ugly or not ugly,’ women choose mates based on whether or not they like the guy as a person. Huh? I think I speak for all scientists when I say: we don’t really get it. We’ve theorized that maybe the female species has her own internal evaluating system, like ‘ugly not ugly,’ but for souls and depth of character. But that’s just a guess. At the end of the day, this may go down as one of the most widely confusing phenomena in science, right alongside my wife regaining interest in sex with me after I stopped yelling at waitstaff.”

At press time, Kissinger was seen refusing to put aside her all-loving and patient gaze as Bower attempted to show her his layup.

Looking on the Bright Side: Here Are Five Times Vince Neil Was Able To Drive to the Liquor Store Without Killing Anyone

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Mötley Crüe frontman Vince Neil definitely has a troubled history with driving. He came under fire in late 1984 for an incident in which he drunkenly lost control of his car while partying with members of Finnish band Hanoi Rocks, killing their drummer and seriously injuring two occupants in another vehicle. While Neil was ultimately punished for this transgression with a grueling two weeks in jail, we think the lifetime damage to his reputation has been a much more profound miscarriage of justice. What about all the times he made it to his destination without racking up a bodycount? As such, here are five times he was able to drive to the liquor store without killing anyone.

January 14th, 1984
Look at this! Neil, although still unspeakably intoxicated, managed to drive the three blocks from his LA mansion for a new bottle of top-shelf tequila without leaving any corpses on the road. Try telling that to the bloodthirsty media, though. They’re still too busy focusing on that vehicular manslaughter conviction he racked up later that year, as if they themselves have never made a mistake.

July 16th, 1984
What’s this? He’s perusing the aisles of his local Wine & Spirits, and his De Tomaso Pantera is sitting in the parking lot without so much as a human-sized dent? Imagine that! It’s too bad we live in such a depraved society, otherwise this would be among the most notable life events on his Wikipedia page.

December 3rd, 1983
Did the booze and sex-addled hair metal vocalist make it to the liquor store on this day? Technically, he did. Did he happen to sideswipe a parked Porsche 959 in Beverly Hills on the way? Yes, he did that as well, and without stopping to so much as leave a note. Look, we’re not writing this list to outline his exceptional driving prowess. We’re just saying he didn’t kill anyone during this trip.

August 9th, 1982
To be fair, that goldendoodle ran in front of Vince’s car, and in his defense, he tried to swerve out of its way, albeit in an extremely delayed and sluggish manner, before resuming his drive to the Martinez Beverage Center. We’ll use this example as an opportunity to clarify that by “anyone” in the title, we’re talking about humans. That poor dog, as well as the sobbing, but very much alive, six-year-old child he left in his wake, do not count.

December 04, 1984
You go, Vince! Nevermind what transpired a mere four days after this; it’s what happens in the moment that counts! You may be piss drunk on a Tuesday afternoon, arguing with the M&K Wine and Spirits clerk who says he’s legally not allowed to sell you this bottle of Wild Turkey, but you made it here without any blood on your hands. Today is your day!

Nostalgic Glenn Danzig Rekindles Old Lawsuits

Posted on by Brett Olsen

LODI, N.J. — Famous singer and mildly renowned film director Glenn Danzig felt a wave of nostalgia wash over him when he spontaneously decided it was time to once again sue the rest of the band, confirmed sources.

“I’ve known these knuckle-heads for more than half my life, and let me tell you—life was simpler back then when I had my lawyer on speed dial,” a reminiscent Danzig chuckled while refilling his iced tea. “Kids these days just want to hear songs about hellish whorehouses, infant mortality, or alien transmogrification. It’s exhausting, albeit profitable. Misfits aren’t just some spooky band—we’re a family, a family that peddles merchandise, and I deserve a bigger cut, quite frankly. Our legacy would be nothing without our deep-rooted history in litigation, and I’m excited to rekindle that flame and remind people that even us old-timers still got that New Jersey judicial system spunk in us.”

Distraught Misfits’ bassist Jerry Only spiraled as he reflected on recent events.

“I thought he got this out of his system, but I can’t help but feel somewhat responsible. Danzig’s generation never really learned how to communicate their feelings effectively, but this was something we had come to terms with before getting the band back together,” said Only, who is four years younger than Danzig. “The burden has always been on us to decipher his body language. I should have known he was irritable when he referred to Doyle as ‘Temu Frankenstein,’ but I pushed my luck regardless by asking if we could cover ‘Monster Mash’ live just one time. God, how could I have been so stupid?!”

Judge Gary Klausner, who previously dismissed multiple Danzig lawsuits, was noticeably cranky when he heard the news.

“Those New Jersey hooligans are bickering again?” Judge Klausner barked incredulously. “Let me guess—Danzig’s back, trying to sue the Presley estate because it was Elvis who somehow ripped him off? Or is this about the hotdog allegations? Kitty litter royalties? Oh, wait! It’s the one where he thinks he deserves more pie because he had the genius idea of tracing a skeleton in the ‘70s? What was it again? ‘The Fiendish Skull?’ Blah! None of this is about music—it’s satanic phooey!”

At press time, Danzig had a eureka moment and was feverishly searching to see if any members of Samhain were still alive and liable.

Fox News and CNN Vow to Keep Their Journalists Safe By Never Reporting Anything About Israel

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Executives at top corporate media properties Fox News and CNN promised that all of their journalists will remain safe from targeted assassinations by the IDF by continuing to not report any of the news coming out of Palestine, sources confirmed.

“Fox News has proudly kept its journalism ‘America First’ for the last two decades. We don’t care what is happening in the rest of the world, our reporters are on the ground here in America finding proof that Obama is a Kenyan nationalist who colluded with Russia to discredit President Trump’s win in 2016,” said Fox News Media spokesperson Erol Hanley. “The American people don’t need to know about what Israel is up to. Our viewers are more interested in how President Trump is doing a perfect job, and if anything bad happens, it’s because Joe Biden and the radical left fringe in Washington are creating Antifa super soldiers who are going to invade your town and kidnap your children.”

CNN representatives had similar reasoning for not making reporting on Israel’s war crimes a priority.

“We have heard that the entire Al Jazeera journalism team was killed in Israel, and as sad as that is, we cannot be certain that the bullets that entered their bodies came from Israeli forces. For all we know, they could have had all those bullets in them for months, and they just happened to explode in their bodies all at once. We don’t actually know how bullets and guns work,” said CNN executive Lynn Fleming. “We’ve talked with the IDF media relations team and they assure us that not a single person has died in Gaza for the last 18 months, and we simply have to take their word for it. They have no reason to lie.”

Independent media analyst Carla Flores says this is all part of a plan to make Americans blind to the atrocities happening in Gaza.

“People love to imagine scenarios of what they would do if they were alive when Hitler was perpetrating a genocide, but now one is happening in real time and most people have no idea,” said Flores. “The top news outlets are more interested in ratings and partisan political talking heads endlessly debating nonsense that doesn’t matter at the end of the day. Over 200 Palestinian journalists have been killed in Gaza during the Israeli occupation. These war crimes continue to be ignored because the American media system is bought and sold and only exists to sell you more pharmaceuticals to fix your chronically dry penis or some stupid shit.”

At press time, The New York Times publishes a new editorial from Benjamin Netanyahu titled “You Would Have to Be A Dumbass to Call this a Genocide.”