Every Beastie Boys Album Ranked

Posted on June 9, 2023 by Robert Butler

To start things off, it needs to be stated Beastie Boys never released a bad album. They’ve all collectively got something going for them individually. For over three decades and eight studio albums and then some, they’ve covered a lot of ground and influenced a generation of musicians spanning numerous genres. More importantly, they taught us all the impact three dudes putting emphasis on words in unison can have on the world. Read the rankings then go watch the “Sabotage” music video and remember how much you liked being a kid.

8. The Mix Up (2007)

Coming in dead last is the only album Beastie Boys ever released that won a Grammy. Which is interesting, considering it’s an instrumental album. I don’t know if the lack of singing is what finally landed the boys a grammy, but it’s certainly the reason it’s ranked last on the list. Not that it’s without its charm. The experimental funky jazz fusion is very on-brand and consistent with the band. But ultimately it feels like it’s missing something pretty fundamental, like you know, everything that makes the group so fun.

Play It Again: “Off The Grid”
Skip It: “Freaky Hijiki”

7. Hot Sauce Committee (Pt. 2) (2011)

This one hits a bit of a sore spot, because it was the last record the Beastie Boys were ever going to make. It was delayed and in production limbo for a few years as the dark clouds rolled in with MCA’s announcing a cancer diagnosis. The final era for the Beastie Boys did bring their best music video to date, the form of a short film “Fight For Your Right Revisited” which is kinda the magnum opus of their music video saga. As for the album itself, not as memorable as their earlier work. But considering it came out a good 30 years into their career, it showed promise the Beastie Boys engine still had some gas in the tank. Try listening to this and not shed a tear over MCA’s untimely passing in 2012. You can’t. In fact, I’m crying right not just thinking about it.

Play It Again: “Ok”
Skip It: “Funky Donkey”

6. To The 5 Boroughs (2004)

I’ve never been to New York City, I’m not sure if I’ll ever go to New York City. But thanks to this album, I don’t even think I need to bother. While a post-9/11 love letter to the Big Apple might seem like a super cringey idea, leave it to the Beastie Boys to produce a record that hits the mark for both coolness and loving where you come from. If that place is New York, anyways. This one is pretty much as serious as the band is gonna get and pretty political in nature. But at least they’re all rapping on this one and the beats go harder than “Hot Sauce Committee.” Just gotta get used to how “grown up” they all sound on this one.

Play It Again: “Right Right Now Now”
Skip It: “Hey Fuck You” (They didn’t need to name a song Hey Fuck You this late in their career.)

5. Check Your Head (1992)

By the time this album came out the ‘90s were in full force and it was clear the band was trying to wash off all that frat boy image that launched them to extreme success in the mid-80s. Clearly that’s not what the band wanted to be anymore and this record was a solid swing at putting some distance between them and previous releases. If you skip this record, you’re really not missing out on a whole lot. They’re still working some kinks out. Are they gonna be more funky, produce some mediocre rhymes or show off some more production skills? It’s a mixed bag, but if you sit through the entire thing you’ll find something you enjoy. Also, nothing else was really going on in 1992 musically, kind of a slow time for auditory arts.

Play It Again: “Gratitude”
Skip It: “Finger Lickin’ Good”

Honorable Mention: Aglio E Olio (1995)

We’re only listing studio albums and there are numerous EPs and whatnot I could comb through to place in the rankings, but honestly the eight studio albums are just fine on their own. The only thing missing was this EP where the band decided to go back to their punk roots before they became massively successful rappers. I’m not going to pick a repeat or skip it for this one, the entire thing clocks in under 12 minutes and it slaps front to back, go listen to it three times in a row.

4. Licensed To Ill (1986)

If I’m going to piss anyone off, it’s probably where I’m placing this one. This is the biggie. The first release that brought all those ‘80s beer-fueled party bangers to playlists all across your local campus for nearly 40 years. For good reason though, the use of samples aligns with the big beats and snotty kid attitudes all too well. Does it age well? No. It aged as well as most things that were widely successful in the mid-80s. That’s why it’s sitting at the halfway mark. While it is a rap album front to back, you’ve still got your punk rock bases covered. They show their early NYHC roots off at least a few times on this one, most notably back to back with “Fight For Your Right” into “No Sleep Til Brooklyn”

Play It Again: “The New Style”
Skip It: “Hold It Now, Hit It”

3. Hello Nasty (1998)

Ad-Rock claims this is the band’s best record overall. I’m not going to argue with him, but I do think he’s wrong. Although, this is kinda where the band “peaks” if you want to go that far. By the time this album came out in the late ‘90s, they were already more than well-established household names who can do new wrong. This album further expands on their experimental nature of working with everything in their vicinity and top-quality production. Bass particularly on this album seems more polished and perfected than anything they’ve released prior. This carries a weird techno, almost dance club element in with it at parts. You’ve definitely heard “Intergalactic” at numerous points in your life and that’s the vibe you’re going to feel throughout this one, so crank this one loudly if you’re stuck in traffic to set the mood for everyone around you to also enjoy.

Play It Again: “Remote Control”
Skip It: “Putting Shame In Your Game”

2. Paul’s Boutique (1989)

There’s literally no other record out there that sounds like this one. Even as far as Beastie Boys albums, this one is unique. So unique there was a bunch of court bullshit over the number of samples used throughout so there will never be another “Paul’s Boutique.” This also cost a boatload to make and was considered overall to be a bomb, so that’s probably a good sign the album kicks ass. It’s more about consistently establishing how big of weirdos they are when they’re not pretending to be party bros. Taking any weird elements from their first album and just making it 10 times weirder while making it work. This one pairs better with getting high on weed more than it does getting drunk on beer.

Play It Again: “Egg Man”
Skip It: “5-Piece Chicken Dinner” (unless you haven’t had dinner yet.)

1. Ill Communication (1994)

Here’s that sweet patch of grass you can roll your blanket out on. This one is just the right balance on the Beastie Boys scale. You’ve got them rapping together, funkin’ together, jazzin’ it out, hauling out some punk tunes. It’s 5 Stars all around and shows off every skill set they have. The first track even whips off the last bit of their ‘80s image of frat boy party nonsense with MCA apologizing, how sweet of them. It’s lengthy, clocking in around an hour to get through. But you’re going on a ride and touching your foot off half a dozen musical styles being held together by that magical Beastie Boys glue that gives this album the number 1 ranking.

Play It Again: “Flute Loop”
Skip It: “Eugene’s Lament”

“Night at the Punk Rock Museum” Features 90 Minutes of Wax Darby Crash Statue Asking Ben Stiller for Beer

Posted on June 9, 2023 by Chris Bowen

LOS ANGELES. — A new “Night at the Museum” sequel in the works at 20th Century Fox reportedly takes place in the newly opened Punk Rock Museum and dedicates a large amount of screen time to a wax figure of Darby Crash coming to life and incessantly asking characters for booze, several spiky haired sources report.

“With this film, I’m revolutionizing the ‘Museum’ series by mixing its outlandish premise with a more believable plot,” explained Shawn Levy, the film’s director. “Don’t worry. It’s not all about the Germs. We also have a scene where the Johnny Rotten statue comes to life to talk about his admiration of Donald Trump. I have a good feeling about this one. Kids and parents alike will be muttering the phrase ‘Circle One’ all summer long. Plus, we already have plans for a ‘Night at the Museum of Sex’ follow-up movie when a couple of dildos come to life at 2 a.m. and fuck the shit out of the loveable security guard.”

Lead actor Ben Stiller was slightly apprehensive about starring in the upcoming sequel.

“I would never have agreed to do this project, but I had signed a 15-movie deal for the ‘Night at the’ series in 2005 and I can’t get out of it. Believe me, I tried,” Stiller said. “I mean, a 10-minute scene of my character helping Darby rummage through ash cans looking for smokable cigarette butts? I’m not exactly sure how all this is appropriate, but I guess we had that one scene in the first movie where Teddy Roosevelt shot a few Egyptian pharaohs in the face for fun.”

Punk historian Randal “Skuzz D” Bloodgood talks about how famous punks and film franchise crossovers aren’t exactly a new phenomenon.

“The punk rock/children’s movie crossover has been the go-to money maker for movie studios ever since the genre’s inception in the late ‘70s,” Bloodgood said. “How can anyone forget Dee Dee Ramone’s character of the strung-out male prostitute in ‘Babe: Pig in the City’? Who wouldn’t remember the depiction of Henry Rollins in any of the ‘Shrek’ films? Punks in Hollywood are back, only to inevitably die out, then become commercial again, then die once more.”

At press time, the actor who played Darby Crash was asked to reprise the role in a Broadway version of “Decline of the Western Civilization.”

Heartwarming: These Five CEOs Set Aside Their Differences To Engage in Price Fixing

Posted on June 9, 2023 by Adam Frost-Venrick

If you’re like us here at The Hard Times, you’re probably pretty bummed about the state of American Capitalism. Fortunately, if you need a feel-good story about modern day economics, then we’ve got you covered. This week we sat down with the CEOs of five major egg companies to discuss how they put aside their differences to engage in some good, old fashioned, all-American price fixing.

That’s right! These five CEOs came together and, with their combined brilliance and power, fixed their prices. Wasn’t that nice of them?

“Price fixing has been working for the oil and gas companies for decades now,” said EggTown USA CEO Warren Jeffries. “I figure it’s about time those of us in the poultry game got a little bit of that action. And wouldn’t you know it? These fellas all seemed to agree with me.”

Because we weren’t clear on exactly what price fixing is, we turned to Federal Trade Commission (FTC) Agent Elizabeth Morales, who was all too happy to inform us. “Price Fixing is when companies come together behind closed doors to create a non-competitive agreement for what the industry standard price of their product should be.” So much clearer! But she also added: “It’s highly illegal. Any organization that takes part in it risks serious repercussions.”

Well, it’s not our place to be throwing around labels like “illegal” and “unethical” when it comes to friendship. These five CEOs came together out of the goodness of their hearts, put aside their differences and created a non-competitive agreement. Together. It’s so good to see that decency still exists, even at the upper echelons of the corporate ladder. Besides, it’s been working for the oil and gas companies for decades now.

And of course, this is a forward thinking arrangement. It’s no boys club, with Happy Chick Farms CEO Michelle Halloran acting as a more than welcome presence at the price-fixing table. Talk about Shiv Roy energy! Go Michelle!

As we left the meeting with these absolute titans of industry, I mentioned FTC Agent Morales’ comments and Jeffries told me that: “We’ll have a talk with her. Perhaps the time has come to break a few eggs. So to speak.” The group then proceeded to order one milkshake with five straws. Absolutely heart-warming stuff! It’s nice to know that no matter how rich a man is, his true wealth is his friends. In this case, friends that help you get even richer.

Members of Radiohead Form Side Project to Sound Exactly Like Radiohead

Posted on June 8, 2023 by Dave McNamara

ABINGDON, United Kingdom — Members of legendary rock band Radiohead announced a new side project called Glue Boy, which coincidentally sounds exactly like the music of Radiohead in every way possible, sources who couldn’t be more excited confirmed.

“Sure, we use the same guitar riff from ‘Paranoid Android’ and repurpose the melody from ‘High and Dry’ but that doesn’t mean anything,” said lead singer and falsetto enthusiast Thom Yorke. “When you’ve been in a band as long as Radiohead, it’s vital to step outside your comfort zone with most of the same members of the band and see what other roads are available for us to explore. Every time Jonny, Philip, and I play as Glue Boy, our sonic palette expands in so many new ways, such as using polyrhythms, looping synth melodies and found audio samples, as well as building songs with unconventional structures. Nothing like Radiohead at all.”

Simon Applethorpe is the moderator of the UK’s largest Radiohead fan Reddit community and was a little confused upon hearing Glue Boy’s new album.

“I don’t understand how members of the band could start a new side project where they all switch instruments, and still sound exactly like the old band,” said Applethorpe while blowing on a steaming spoonful of porridge in his parent’s Cambridge dining room. “In all the interviews, they insist this project is to explore new sonic terrains not available to them as Radiohead, but as far as I can tell it’s as if ‘Amnesiac’ and ‘King of Limbs’ adopted a child, and that child’s name was ‘OK Computer.’ I mean it even opens with that computer voice from ‘Fitter Happier.’”

Jack White is no stranger to side projects and believes it’s crucially important to branch out as a musician.

“Look man, when I started the Raconteurs at the height of the Stripes’ popularity, people said I was nuts,” said White from the inside of a vintage fortune-telling machine in his Third Man Records shop in Nashville. “Same thing when I did Dead Weather. But if you don’t shake it up, you’ll get stuck in a box, which I understand must sound strange coming from a guy who’s currently sitting in a box. But if I didn’t start all those other projects, people would still think of me as a feisty, eccentric, old-timey, blues/garage rocker, and look at me now! I have blue hair for fuck’s sake.”

Glue Boy has set a release date of October 10 for the band’s debut album which is tentatively titled “Kid B.”

Every Bomb the Music Industry! Album Ranked

Posted on June 8, 2023 by Corey Montgomery

Back in 2007, Radiohead’s Thom Yorke claimed to have invented the concept of giving away digital music for free. Of course, as many of us now know, Jeff Rosenstock had already come up with the idea on a slightly larger scale two years earlier. His donation-based digital label, Quote Unquote Records, was the first of its kind. Rosenstock’s gambit was notably braver considering he wasn’t a multi-millionaire like Yorke at the time. Consisting of Rosenstock and a revolving door of supporting members, the label’s flagship band, Bomb the Music Industry! would go on to challenge the standard record label ethos over the course of their nine-year run. Arguably creating and defining modern DIY punk along the way.

Without further ado, we’ve ranked the widely beloved band’s records in a way that certainly won’t piss anyone off, but will surely help us sell more ad space. Even artists have to eat.

7. To Leave or Die In Long Island (2005)

While we can generally applaud the haphazard production style of Rosenstock’s early days, ‘To Leave or Die In Long Island’ sounds particularly rushed. It’s also the second shortest record in the band’s discography, suggesting even the guy making it was tired of the sophomore album before it was even completed. While there are certainly some classics here to accompany your next shower beer, the majority of this one sounds like discarded tracks from the debut album that was released within the same year.

Play It Again: “Stand There Until You’re Sober”
Skip It: “Bomb the Music Industry! (and Action Action) (and Refused) (and Born Against) Are Fucking Dead”

6. Album Minus Band (2005)

Not long after the dissolution of Rosenstock’s former band, the Arrogant Sons of Bitches, BtMI!’s debut record, ‘Album Minus Band,’ was born. Forged from a need to cope with the seemingly less-than-amicable split of the previous group and a month-long flirtation with sobriety, the record features Rosenstock programming drum tracks and playing most of the instrumentation himself. While serving as an undisputed modern-day DIY classic, the record ultimately suffers from a lack of cohesion as Rosenstock throws all the paint he has at his likely overheated PowerBook.

Play It Again: “I’m a Panic Bomb, Baby!”
Skip It: “I’m Too Coooool For Music” is a good song but you already know gatekeeping is dumb, so the point of it is a bit moot.

5. Vacation (2011)

If anyone needed a vacation in 2011, it was Rosenstock and company. Marking their seventh album in as many years, ‘Vacation’ finds the BtMI! train understandably losing steam. This record would prove to be the band’s final full-length, and it relies heavily on experimentation with different permutations of the band’s classic sound. While a bit of this tinkering provided great results, much would be executed with greater success on Rosenstock’s solo works. Fans often call this era of the band ‘Proto-Roso.’ Just kidding, no one has ever said that.

Play It Again: “Why, Oh Why, Oh Why, (Oh, Oh, Oh)” for the Springsteen vibes.
Skip It: “Campaign For A Better Weekend” because of the ‘sad dad’ vibes

4. Goodbye Cool World (2006)

The last true album of Rosenstock’s iPod days, ‘Goodbye Cool World’ finds him tightening up his production skills while pushing his predilection for synth-heavy material up in the mix. Lyrically, the album shows a more reflective side to the songwriter as he struggles with rising notoriety while living in financial destitution. In addition to that, he even manages to make a dub track that primarily features saxophone not sound annoying as fuck. This one could have very well ranked higher, but Rosenstock has admitted to mixing some of the album on a cheap pair of earbuds, which… no.

Play It Again: “Sorry, Brooklyn, Dancing Won’t Solve Anything”
Skip It: “Fuck the Fans” has significantly less bite now that Rosenstock can merely burp and land on multiple year-end lists from national publications.

3. Scrambles (2009)

Packed with dizzying heights, crushing lows, and a fuckton more reverb than other BtMI! releases, ‘Scrambles’ might be the band’s most colossal album. It’s the second record to feature a full band, and the first to have an honest-to-god music video in the form of a brilliantly directed clip for the excellent ‘Wednesday Night Drinkball.’ Historically, this is one of the most important records of Rosenstock’s career as it marks the crosspoint between his early obscurity and future success. While some of the group’s finest work exists within its runtime, there’s a self-admitted Peter Pan Syndrome throughout that ultimately undercuts some of the record’s more serious moments. It’s sort of like that friend of yours who keeps telling you Crocs are trendy now to avoid wearing real shoes.

Play It Again: “Wednesday Night Drinkball” because you need the eye opener.
Skip It: “25!” because you’re probably 35

2. Adults!!!: Smart!!! Shithammered!!! And Excited by Nothing!!!!!!! (2010)

If you’re anything like us, you probably thought this was an EP. We can all be forgiven here considering the seven-song tracklisting. Still, this could have been a disaster. Had our earlier assumptions been correct, they would have knocked one of BtMI!’s best releases out of this ranking entirely. You would have never known that we think “All Ages Shows” is one of the band’s best songs. Nor would you have learned how much better we believe ‘Adults!!!’ would have served as a final record than ‘Vacation’ did. Fortunately, Rosenstock considers this one to be a full-length studio album so you can reread the previous two sentences to see how we feel about it.

Play It Again: Yes
Skip It: They already took the bad songs out and passed the savings onto you!

1. Get Warmer (2007)

If there is a better coming-of-age DIY punk album about moving to Athens, Georgia with all of your friends that happen to be in your moderately successful band, we don’t want to fucking hear about it. This one is perfect and we’re done missing our youth for the day. Dealing with the trials and tribulations of chasing artistic endeavors in an increasingly oppressive capitalist society, ‘Get Warmer’ sounds like ‘a fucking party to celebrate that you are fucked,’ to steal a quote from Rosenstock. If you were ever lucky enough to catch the band live, chances are you’ve never danced your ass off to a song with subject matter as bleak as ‘Depression Is No Fun’ since. Despite being one of the messiest-sounding Bomb records, it is leaps and bounds ahead of the rest in terms of scope and cohesion. Give this one a spin and you’ll surely be pleasantly reminded of that time your band played two cities an hour away from your hometown and called it a ‘tour.’

Play It Again: Repeatedly
Skip It: If you do, punk will be officially dead and it will be entirely your fault.

We Ranked the Top 10 Lifetime Songs Because We’re Stuck in Traffic on The New Jersey Turnpike Again, and It Smells Like Crap

Posted on June 8, 2023 by Trevor Graham

If you ask the average lame-ass normie to name the best bands that have come from New Jersey they would inevitably say Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi (Fun Fact: If you play “Living on a Prayer” anywhere in NJ eight drunken women from Bergen County will magically appear to sing the chorus as loud as humanly possible directly into your ear canal) But if you ask someone cool they will say The Misfits, The Bouncing Souls, and Thursday and if they’re really down they will say Lifetime. Starting off more as an emo-type band in the early ‘90s and evolving into a sound of their own that mixed poppier punk elements (but NOT pop punk) with melodic hardcore sounds, they became a favorite of the aging, sarcastic punks who live in this God-forsaken state. And since we are on the turnpike moving slower than the plotline to season six of “The Sopranos” we decided to rank their ten best songs.

10. “Ghost”

So right off the bat, we’re going to piss people off with this one. Lifetime themselves have disavowed the entire album “Background” and on the rare occasion they play a show won’t do any of the songs from it. They even remastered (and possibly re-recorded parts?) to fix what they probably thought were bad decisions at the time. But this song sounds like a proto-“Hello Bastards” era jam to us.

9. “Northbound Breakdown”

After an almost ten-year hiatus Lifetime returned with their self-titled album in 2007. Their sound had been polished a bit more than most had remembered and ironically ended up sounding similar to bands they had directly influenced like Saves The Day and New Found Glory. The opening song though is a catchy sing-along toe-tapper. Ironically, we’re in this traffic jam because of a broken-down Honda Civic in the Northbound lane.

8. “Dwell”

This is from their first seven-inch and is their most teen-angsty emo phase. Wait, wait! Hear us out… it’s fucking adorable. “I cry / Open up the sky” EEK! Those are actual lyrics! This is another one from their back catalog you will never hear them play live but we love it. We can’t decide what our favorite part is – The gang vocals right before the emo-y mosh-y part at the end or the fact that their logo on the cover of the seven-inch was typed out in Papyrus. Aww, so cute! Don’t you just want to pinch their little cheeks?

7. “Isae Aldy Beausoleil”

This song is named after a French-Canadian mass murderer (don’t worry, we can search Wikipedia while driving because again – we’re barely moving) and if you say it out loud it sounds like nonsense which actually makes sense because singer Ari Katz sounds like he has marbles in his mouth.

6. “Theme Song For A New Brunswick Basement Show”

Originally released on the Antimatter Compilation and later on “Jersey’s Best Dancers” this song tells the tale of the excitement, boredom and drama of seeing your crush in a dank basement show in the sort-of city of New Brunswick. And hey, at the rate we’re moving we should be passing the exit for it in only four more hours!

5. “Starsixtynine”

First of all no, this is not some sexual innuendo so get your head out of the gutter, pervert. You see kids, when you had a landline phone and you missed a call if you hit *69 it would dial back the last number that called you. Anyway this was on their “Tinnitus” seven-inch which ironically some people probably have from listening to this too loud on their Walkman. Maybe even a talented, handsome, and possibly delusional geriatric The Hard Times writer.

4. “Ostrichsized”

For some reason there was a real fascination in the ‘90s hardcore scene with “The Outsiders.” We’re not here to decide whether or not it’s some kind of working-class Shakespearean tragedy or just overly simplistic drivel but bands sure did like to put samples from it in their songs.

3. “25 Cent Giraffes”

From this point on in this ranking we’re bouncing back and forth between two albums like what this fucknut with Pennsylvania plates in front of us is doing with the lanes. “Philly is in the other direction, fucking idiot!” Anyway this is another song about going to a show and if you close your eyes and pretend you’re not creeping along in a metal coffin you can almost hear the crowd sing along to that opening.

2. “Rodeo Clown”

If you thought we were done ranking Lifetime songs that are about going to a show you’re fucking stupid! Sorry, we’re irritable from being miles from the nearest rest stop and really have to pee, and maybe shit. My insides are so fucked up I can’t even tell anymore. It could probably be argued this is actually the best Lifetime song but again, we really have to go and are just trying to wrap this up before we piss ourselves.

1. “Young, Loud, and Scotty”

Well, we did it, folks, we’ve arrived at our destination! Not us in this soul-killing parade of the bridge and tunnel crowd obviously but all of us on this list. Lifetime was a few years too early with this one. If it had come out in the early oughts it probably would’ve been a legit radio hit. But the kind hardcore kids would still admit to liking unlike the Sum41’s or whatever of the time.

Opinion: My Mom Says You’re Not Allowed to Make Fun of Me For Being a Libertarian Anymore

Posted on June 8, 2023 by Adam Frost-Venrick

Alright butt-nuggets, listen up and listen good, a real man is talking. I know there have been a lotta laughs up to this point, but the mockery stops here. My name is Andrew Corliss, I’m twenty-seven years old, and my Mom says you’re not allowed to make fun of me for being a libertarian anymore.

That’s right, you heard me. For too long, I’ve had to suffer countless outrageous japes and jesteries from you mindless, group-thinking, Kool-Aid-drinking, jackboot-wearing bureaucrats, but the fun stops here. You all need to get over your addiction to big government and get over your addiction to making fun of my political views. You know why? Because my Mom said so.

Sorry, not sorry. If that offends you, deal with it.

Ever since I can remember, people have teased me for being a free-thinker. They made fun of my “Don’t Tred On Me” bumper stickers. They said that my idea to privatize every major American roadway was “idiotic” and “impractical.” They said that I was insane and paranoid when I told them I owned over twenty guns. But let me ask you this: When the socialist regime that Premier Bidenovich is trying to impose on us all comes knocking at your door to try and force you to sign up to be an organ donor and pay income tax, who are you pencil pushing pussies gonna call to defend you? That’s right. Me! I hate income tax. It takes away the money of good, hard-working Americans and redistributes it to junkies and losers. That’s why I’ve decided that the only job I’ll ever hold is moderating a very prominent Reddit board.

My Mom is one of the free thinkers. One of the only ones who gets it. Ever since I became aware of the limitless potentials of unfettered freedom and pure capitalism in high school, people have been teasing me. Like Jesus (who I don’t care for because he preached wealth redistribution) before me, I have been scorned, ridiculed and told by my dental hygienist that I smell badly. And my Mom is tired of it. She’s tired of you saying these things to me. She tells me so all the time. She tells me what a big, strong boy I’m becoming. That’s why she needs me to still live in her basement. To protect her. Because I’m her big, strong, free-thinking man. Her big, strong, free-thinking mommy man who owns over twenty guns.

Ultimately, I could spend more time, telling you dumb shits all the reasons why libertarianism is the only true political philosophy, how you can learn more from South Park than from the lies taught in our public school curriculum, how every report that I’ve seen shows that our economy would be better if we let children work factory jobs. But that’s not up to me to educate you. You’re an independent person. You can do your own research. As for me, I have to go pick up my girlfriend from school.

“No, YOU do a Kickflip, Eric Koston” Says Humiliated Longboarder to Self in Bathroom Mirror

Posted on June 8, 2023 by Trevor Graham

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Local longboarder Ben Gleekman is still recovering emotionally after he completed folded under pressure when pro skateboarder Eric Koston called out from his car to “do a kickflip,” confirmed sources who have had to listen to their friend think of comebacks for hours.

“I wish I had said something clever like ‘No, YOU do a kickflip, Eric Koston if that’s even you’re real name,’” said Gleekman as he angrily pointed a finger, recreating the conversion he had with himself in the mirror. “But instead I actually attempted to do one and only got the board a quarter way around, landed on the board sideways, and fell on my elbow really fucking hard. The worst part was I was outside the Puff N’ Stuff Vape Shop and everyone inside saw the whole thing. I can’t show my face there ever again — and it’s all Eric Koston’s fault!”

Gleekman’s girlfriend, Vanessa Burd, says even once he left the bathroom the odd behavior continued.

“He’s been walking around for the past couple of days muttering to himself,” said Burd. “At one point I think I heard him say ‘Eric Koston? More like… Barely Flossin’’ which sort of rhymes but definitely isn’t an insult,” said Burd. “The worst part though is that I caught him in the basement with that fucking longboard watching trick tip videos on YouTube. He was able to get the board to flip halfway around so I guess that’s a good start? But honestly, he is 34 and I’d like it if he’d just focus on getting a job.”

Koston, who does the “Do a kickflip” as a video series for The Berrics, says it’s all in good fun and he didn’t mean any harm.

“It’s really not a big deal that he couldn’t do one,” said Koston. “Honestly when I yell out to someone on a longboard it’s pretty much understood they’re not going to be able to do a kickflip. I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to do one on one of those things. And even though he didn’t do it I was still trying to give him a t-shirt and some stickers just to say it’s all good but he just stormed off. I’ll say this though about this guy — he may not be able to skate but damn that dude can run! He took off quick and left a trail of bubblegum-scented vape cloud for half a block.”

As of press time, Gleekman had still not been able to do a kickflip but says he is moving on from longboarding and is looking into getting “one of those sick ass OneWheels.”

Make-a-Wish Foundation Denies Child Bassist’s Wish to Play Guitar

Posted on June 7, 2023 by Wilson Conkwright

MILWAUKEE — A child bass player with terminal cancer was denied her dying wish to play lead guitar by the Make-A-Wish Foundation as it interfered with long-held institutional policies and beliefs, apologetic sources confirmed.

“We strive to make every child’s wish come true, but, unfortunately, there are limitations,” said Make-A-Wish spokesman Charles Frante. “Limitations like playing starting point guard for the Miami Heat, riding a rocketship to Mars, or, in this case, allowing a lowly bassist to play lead guitar. I mean, say we were allow it this one time. What’s next? A child drummer gets granted residuals on a song they helped write? Never gonna happen. The slipperiest of slopes, frankly.”

Despite the Make-A-Wish Foundation’s justification, many have expressed their disappointment, including the patient herself, Micah Trumbholdt.

“It’s so easy, all anyone’s gotta do is hand me a freaking guitar,” demanded 13-year-old Trumbholdt. “I never even wanted to be a bass player, I wanted to play lead guitar. But when I was five, my dad bought me a bass for Christmas because his shit band needed a bass player and he told me ‘literally anyone will do.’ Now I’m stuck here, dying in bed with my fuckin’ Schecter. This is horseshit in the nth degree.”

Regardless of this setback, Trumbholdt’s medical team confirmed there is still hope.

“All she needs to do is pick up a hobby that would re-ignite circuits in the part of the brain that is typically associated with music and joy, like learning to play lead guitar. Which is just a shame, considering she’s a bassist,” empathetically noted Doctor Donald Wentworth. “As doctors, we aim to disrupt fate’s agency with modern science to prolong the health and wellness of an individual. But we’ll do everything we can for her, even if her status makes her one of our less desirable patients to treat. Maybe we can teach her piano!”

At press time, the Make-A-Wish Foundation announced they were able to pull some strings and would like to offer Trumbholdt a guided tour of the Mariana Trench by James Cameron in lieu of “the whole guitar idea.”

This Day In Music History June 7

Posted on June 7, 2023 by Tim Graham

Wow, a whole lot happened on this day in music’s past! Join us as we take a look back at some of the noteworthy events—and even some under-the-radar stories you may have missed—that occurred on this day in music history.

1968: Led Zeppelin Introduces the Blues to the United States

The long-haired British lads delighted US audiences when they brought their unique, new musical genre across the pond for their first stateside show.

1973: Kraftwerk’s Ralf Hütter Discovers the 58008 Trick With His Pocket Calculator

The remarkable finding would go on to thrill generations of middle schoolers.

1979: David Byrne Develops Trademark Erratic Dance

The Talking Heads frontman had a eureka moment on stage while trying to shake a spider out of his shirt.

1982: Alleged Fifth Ramone Sues Band for Songwriting Credits

Disgruntled former member Gary Ramone claims to have come up with shouting “1-2-3-4!” before songs during his brief tenure with the band.

1984: Would-Be Assassin Foiled By Bruce Dickinson’s Codpiece

The Iron Maiden singer was saved when his medieval crotch accessory blocked a sniper’s bullet. The deflected bullet then struck and killed an unlucky fan in the front row.

1987: The Fall’s Mark E. Smith Records Stop Announcements for London Underground

The unintelligible announcements quickly caused chaos and system-wide disruption, resulting in The Tube’s “Celebrity Stop Announcement” program being immediately scrapped.

1990: Fugazi’s Guy Picciotto Interrupts Washington Wizards Game by Running Onto Court and Dunking Himself

The singer was barred from attending future NBA games until he sought treatment for his self-dunking compulsion.

1991: Michael Winslow Saves The Day After Slash Falls Ill

The talented vocal artist was called in last-minute to replicate Slash’s guitar parts with his mouth for Guns N’ Roses’ Madison Square Garden concert.

1997: Iggy Pop Tries in Vain To Cut Himself With a Plastic Beer Bottle

The singer later complained that the increased use of plastic bottles was impacting his ability to perform.

2008: Lars Ulrich Reveals “The Unforgiven III” is About Napster Users

“Just remember: Metallica never forgives and never forgets,” warned the drummer in a Rolling Stone interview.

David Byrne photo by Craig Howell.