Top 30 Ska Punk Songs That Are Going to Get Us Killed For Putting Them on the Jukebox at This Biker Bar

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Are you someone who enjoys listening to both ska and punk genres simultaneously? Then you’re probably not one of the dozens of angry bikers at this bar right now. They are absolutely furious and won’t stop staring with a deranged homicidal look in their eyes. Maybe putting an hour and a half’s worth of ska punk songs on the jukebox was ill-advised. That being said, here are the top 30 ska punks that are going to get us murdered here any minute now. (Listen to the playlist while you read, click here.)

30. Mad Caddies “Road Rash” (1998)

If you’re going to play 80 bucks worth of ska punk on a jukebox surrounded by motorcycle enthusiasts, you should really throw on “Bad to the Bone” here and there to offset the relentless horn sections that are paired with guitar distortion and upbeat rhythm. Just some advice for the next time you’re in a biker bar and have a deep hankering for Mad Caddies, but want to make it out relatively unscathed.

29. Slapstick “There’s a Metal Head in the Parking Lot” (1997)

The alarming amount of Harley Davidsons outside the establishment and lack of checkerboard patterns inside should’ve been a dead giveaway that this bar is not going to appreciate the lesser known bands from the ska punk genre like Slapstick. Lesson learned.

28. Catbite “Not Ur Baby” (2021)

Anyone can look beyond one ska punk song on the jukebox. Two is pushing it. But this third Catbite one is enough to send this entire biker bar into a “fight or flight” response. Unfortunately, they are clearly leaning toward the “fight” part of that, so I have already ocularly marked every exit in this bar for when my “flight” response inevitably takes over.

27. Big D and the Kids Table “L.a.X.” (2004)

I’d really hate to see the look on everyone’s faces if I played regular ska this whole time. If you think about it, I really did them a favor by playing Big D and the Kids Table instead of SKA ska. No one seems to appreciate this though.

26. The Hippos “Lost It” (1999)

Listening to The Hippos always makes it feel like you are about to get knocked unconscious and left in a ditch somewhere on the side of the road only to be found hours later without shoes. Wait, maybe that’s only in biker bars. Hard to tell for sure.

25. Kill Lincoln “Good Riddance to Good Advice” (2018)

In theory, nearly three dozen ska punk songs, including Kill Lincoln, should’ve been a nice change of pace from the normal ‘70s classic rock thing they were playing. I guess people who ride motorcycles do not operate “in theory.”

24. JER “BOTHERED” (2022) 

Ska punk feels like a genre that genuinely wants you to be happy as a human being in a world that is otherwise full of suffering. This is what I try to tell myself while I am currently in a headlock from a guy who simply goes by “Dirt.”

23. The Best of the Worst “Illusion of Choice” (2020)

The bar appears to be confused at this one. The hardcore elements seem to make the bikers feel almost indifferent at best to the music, but the trumpets appear to undo any progress we had at avoiding a thorough beating in the back alley. We were close though.

22. Bomb the Music Industry! “Syke! Life is Awesome!” (2005)

This one starts off relatively low-key for a ska punk song, but gradually gets more unhinged and trumpet-intensive as it goes, which only seems to anger the bikers. Luckily there are only about 20ish more tracks to go.

21. Save Ferris “Come on Eileen” (1997)

Covers of famous songs can really be hit or miss. This one is a hit. At least with ska fans. Not so much with the demographic whose favorite movie is presumably “Easy Rider.”

20. Against All Authority “All Fall Down” (1998)

Starting to think this bar doesn’t even like the punk part of ska punk either. Typically, ska punk fans are just ska fans who are embarrassed to be associated with ska. Against All Authority is perfect for these undercover ska fans.

19. Mustard Plug “Go” (1997)

Looks like a few of the bikers at this bar surprisingly seem to enjoy this one. After all, this genre can be fun if you allow yourself to experience lighthearted pleasure. But on closer inspection, they were just maniacally laughing while discussing the best way to murder someone without receiving jail time. The feeling of your music taste validated was nice while it lasted.

18. Voodoo Glow Skulls “El Coo Coi” (1995)

Voodoo Glow Skulls surprisingly sounds like a band name this bar can get behind, and the art on this album cover is literally a bug-eyed freak riding a motorcycle. But not even these two elements are enough to appease bikers. This bunch is hard to please.

17. Skankin’ Pickle “Rest of the World” (1996)

When listening to ska, you are instinctively tempted to use the word “skank” in conversation. Whatever you do, do not do that at a bar that is cash only. Save that for more credit and debit card-friendly establishments.

16. We Are The Union “I Am Like John Cusack…” (2009)

Correct me if I’m wrong, but there are exactly zero ska punk songs in “Sons of Anarchy.” Not even any regular ska tracks for that matter. It’s the one thing missing from fictional outlaw motorcycle clubs. Real ones too.

15. The Specials “Little Bitch” (1979)

Sure, The Specials are a bit of a stretch to be placed under the ska punk umbrella even though this song rules. But you try explaining that to an angry biker who just did that thing where he broke a beer bottle on a table and held it three inches from my jugular. Thought they only did that in movies.

 

14. Sublime “Same In The End” (1996)

The lyric “I’m a triple rectified-ass son of a bitch” seems like a sentiment this crowd could really get behind. After all, it feels like it could be a lyric in the song “Born to Be Wild,” which as we all know is one of five songs bikers listen to.

13. Catch 22 “1234 1234” (1998)

Don’t you just hate it when a song starts out completely different than it ends up being and then out of nowhere there are three minutes at the end of the track where the band talks nonsense in the background? Yeah, bikers do too. A lot.

12. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones “The Impression That I Get” (1997)

This one leans more on the ska side, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Unless of course you are already 20 songs deep on your ska punk-fueled jukebox picks, and the entire bar wants to see you dead or at least quietly leave without making a scene. And then die outside.

11. NOFX “All Outta Angst” (1997)

I’m not sure exactly what the Hells Angels listen to, but I imagine it’s just “The Boys Are Back in Town” on repeat for several hours. No room for this trumpet-laden, ska-concentrated NOFX one. What a shame.

10. The Interrupters “She’s Kerosene” (2018)

This is the part of the block of our songs where one of the bikers unplugged the jukebox. Luckily, we know how outlets work and plugged it right back in. We need to get our money’s worth and Interrupters shall not be denied by people who look like they fist fight to pass the time.

9. Streetlight Manifesto “9mm and a Three Piece Suit” (2006)

It’s not uncommon for someone to tell you that that certain music once “saved their life.” However, ska punk seems to have the opposite effect at biker bars and will probably be the exact reason for my premature demise.

8. The Arrogant Sons of Bitches “So Let’s Go Nowhere” (2006)

The sign outside this bar had the word “freedom” written on it with aggressively giant letters. But the looks on everyone’s faces in this bar are making me realize that their version of freedom does not extend to Jeff Rosenstock music in public spaces.

7. Less Than Jake “Johnny Quest Thinks We’re Sellouts” (1996)

Good luck trying to explain to a crowd of bikers that they are currently listening to a band called Less Than Jake. They will have several follow-up questions about this band name that not even the realest ska punk fans will know the answer to. Once again, we disappoint.

6. Goldfinger “Superman” (1998)

This song is best played on a nice sunny day in July on your way to the mall Applebee’s to split a round of mozzarella sticks with your best friends. It just doesn’t have the same effect in this dimly lit bar that somehow still allows smoking indoors and only offers bowls of peanuts for snacks. Don’t they know all ska fans have various nut allergies?

5. The Suicide Machines “New Girl” (1996)

“New Girl” starts off strong and potentially could win over this bar thanks to its traditionally more heavier opening sound. But about 11 seconds in starts the violently ska upstroke guitar-playing, which has only seemed to ruin any chance to befriend anyone here. Ska punk is notoriously deceptive like that.

4. Rancid “Time Bomb” (1995)

Rancid once wrote a song called “Motorcycle Ride” and Tim Armstrong’s tattoo on the top of his head and chaotic beard make him look like a biker, so I’m confused as to why this crowd would much prefer to listen to an Allman Brothers song while fracturing my ribs with a poolstick. I just don’t get it.

3. Reel Big Fish “Sell Out” (1996)

Reel Big Fish wrote this satirical take about selling out for corporate profits. If anyone would understand this sentiment it’s people who drive vehicles that produce unnecessarily loud motor sounds when you’re trying to sleep in on a Saturday morning.

2. Fishbone “The Warmth of Your Breath” (1993)

Fishbone are whole bunch of genres in one. Two of those genres are ska and punk. You would think a group of people who ride their motorcycles with their hands two feet above their head on the handlebar would be able to endure all 90 minutes of ska punk on the jukebox, including legends like Fishbone. Boy, was that a hard no.

1. Operation Ivy “Sound System” (1989)

Operation Ivy really took the ska punk genre to another level. They went on to influence tons of groups too, which means, if it weren’t for Op Ivy, we’d potentially be able to leave this bar without any black eyes or broken bones. Please never reunite. For my health’s sake.

Listen to the playlist: 

Kidz Bop Ska Album Sounds Identical to Regular Ska Album

Posted on by Matt Husser

SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — Local dad Martin Daniels was left confused today after realizing a Kidz Bop ska album he purchased for his kids sounded identical to a regular ska album he listened to in his youth, sources confirmed.

“I loved this ska band ‘When Harry Met Skally’ when I was in middle school so I bought the Kidz Bop version for my sons, but now I wish I had just saved my money because it sounds like the same exact studio recording—I honestly don’t remember there being so many songs about rollerblading or how it sucks when your mom forgets to buy pizza bagels,” said Daniels, looking at the track listing on the back of the original CD. “I could have sworn there were some risque songs about day drinking and chasing girls but nope, just ‘Capri Sun Drunk’ and a love song about Ms. Pac-Man.”

Daniels’ five and seven-year-old sons were less enthusiastic about their dad’s attempts to introduce them to the ska music that defined his youth.

“Dad keeps trying to get us to listen to his cute little ‘jazz bands’, but my taste in Kidz Bop records is a little more sophisticated. I can’t be seen on the playground listening to songs about Lunchables when my peers are listening to Tonka Tool and Radiohead, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes,” said five-year-old Parker Daniels, admiring his vinyl Kidz Bop collection. “I’m sure that this passed as serviceable music back in the late 1900s, but it simply cannot compare to the sonic depth of ‘Karma Paw Patrol’ on the ‘OK Tablet’ album.”

Kidz Bop cover band artist Tommy Twister insisted that despite the identical sound, they had re-recorded the entire album.

“That ‘When Harry Met Skally’ cover was the easiest gig we ever had, we didn’t have to change a single word—we actually added a few more mature themes because we felt the original’s ironic cover of ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Ska’ was a little too tame for our target audience of elementary school-aged kids,” said Twister. “We re-recorded the music and everything, but it’s not our fault that a bunch of thirty-year-olds made an album with songs like ‘No Ska Without the ‘Za’ and ‘Don’t Tell Teacher I Ate My Dog’s Homework.”

At press time, Daniels’ was seen trying to get a refund for the Kidz Bop versions of several clean MxPx albums he had also purchased for his kids.

Ska-merica The Beautiful: This Patriot Pays His Respects by Skanking to a Ska Version of the National Anthem at the 9/11 Memorial

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

Go ahead and throw on a pair of thick, soft mittens or find a nice plush bath towel to place on your forehead because this story is going to have you saluting with such force you might otherwise knock yourself out.

Meet Jacob “Coby” Snell, a ska-loving patriot who shows his love of country by skanking to a ska version of the national anthem each morning at the 9/11 memorial in lower Manhattan. He has a Bluetooth speaker with a full battery, an American flag porkpie hat, red, white, and blue checkerboard Vans slip-ons; and enough sunscreen and water to skank for two whole hours before needing a break to reapply and rehydrate. Every day Snell is in downtown New York City is truly a “Party at Ground Zero.”

A beloved figure at the National September 11 Memorial & Museum, Snell usually isn’t told by security to “pick it up” (i.e. his belongings) until well into the afternoon. When they finally do ask that he move along, this freedom-loving model citizen respectfully follows their orders. He knows that law enforcement across this great nation are just trying to do their jobs and keep us safe. Thank you for your service gentlemen (and gentle ladies)!

Visitors are often unsure of what Snell, 47, is doing each day at the site of the deadliest terrorist attack in United States history. By skanking to a ska version of “The Star-Spangled Banner” at the original site of the World Trade Center, Snell is paying homage to the two great losses of his life: the end of the mainstream popularity of third wave ska music at the end of the 1990s, and the destruction wrought by the horrors of September 11th, 2001. This patriot was so devastated by these back-to-back tragedies, he thought he’d never recover. That is, until he combined these great cataclysms and journeyed “One Step Beyond” into skanking triumph.

Snell has dreams of one day traveling to the Pearl Harbor National Memorial to pay his respects to those who died in the second deadliest foreign attack in American history. He’s prepared a ska version of FDR’s “Day of Infamy” speech should the occasion ever arrive. Maybe his skanking can provide the people of Pearl Harbor with the same comfort and peace it’s provided the people of New York.

“The Impression That [Onlookers] Get” of Snell is of a man who loves his country and loves ska music. Through his brave, patriotic skanking, Snell is sending “A Message to You, [America],” and that is “Never Forget and God Bless the U.S.A.!”

Tsunami Caused by Ska Band Horn Section All Releasing Spit Valves at Same Time

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Meteorologists report that a 1,500-foot tidal wave created by a nearby ska band whose wind instrument section all emptied their spit valves at the same time is threatening to destroy the city, panicking sources confirmed.

“Usually when each band member goes one-by-one, it allows for just a harmless trickle of saliva that doesn’t upset the weather, just anyone whose fresh new Vans it might happen to drip on. But this? This is a natural disaster on par with some of the biggest hurricanes or tornadoes in recent memory,” pressed KTVU meteorologist Hailee Squires, as dopplers blared in the background. “We here at the newsroom advise anyone within the tri-county area to gather their loved ones, and any important belongings and pack it up. That’s right, you heard us: packituppackituppackitup!”

Band members of the group that incited the disaster, Checks Mark the Spot, are reportedly wracked with guilt over the situation.

“I’m beside myself. I got into music to make people happy, laugh, and maybe even skank a bit of their troubles away, not cause major property devastation just because I didn’t want my tuba to gurgle!” moaned Checks Mark the Spot sousaphone player Liam Breshcoat, as he packed up his various porkpie hats to flee the scene. “I’m just not used to witnessing our audience run for the hills, screaming in terror and begging for it to stop. Well, actually, now that you mention it, that’s the typical reaction to most modern ska sets, isn’t it? Well, at any rate, there’s usually a lot less drowning, I’ll tell you that much. I’m out of here.”

Longtime San Jose residents are largely set on evacuation, but there are a few rogue holdouts, such as 93-year-old Hennis McFurland.

“I’ve lived in this here shack through two dozen Warped Tours, and I ain’t about to move just because some rinky-dink ska band decided to let loose their honkers, I’ll tell you that much right now! I built this home with my bare hands and there’s no band ‘reel big’ or ‘reel tough’ enough to take it away from me,” said a gruff McFurland as he hammered boards over his windows. “I went through the same song and dance when a wave of Faygo took out my barn at the last Gathering of the Juggalos, and I lived to tell THAT tale. Bring it on.”

At press time, fleeing residents were alarmed to find out that, in true ska fashion, there are growing reports of a second wave.

Laura Jane Grace and the Mississippi Medicals Debut EP Technically the Closest Thing Anyone in Mississippi Has to Healthcare

Posted on by James Knapp

BILOXI, Miss. — Recent reports from the United States Department of Health and Human Services indicate that the debut EP by Laura Jane Grace and the Mississippi Medicals is the only barrier standing between millions of Mississippians and grievous injury or illness on a daily basis, sources fearful for the state’s general well being confirmed.

“I would like to start off by saying to the people of Mississippi, and I can’t stress this enough, this album is not intended to cure rickets. We don’t know how that rumor got started, but let’s just put an end to it right now,” stated noticeably frustrated Secretary of Health and Human Services Xavier Becerra in a press release earlier. “We’re still investigating just how a punk rock record became the state of Mississippi’s only semblance of healthcare. But until then we want to reiterate for all citizens that, if you are having a health emergency, please make sure you have crossed state lines before expecting anyone to be able to assist you.”

Biloxi resident Curtis Jefferson detailed the local healthcare infrastructure his community is forced to deal with.

“There’s not much point in having health insurance when the closest thing your town has to a doctor is just a horse that will kick you in the mouth for an apple. That’s how I tried to cure my jaundice one time – it didn’t work. Arguably it made it worse,” explained Jefferson. “We did have a kind of okay minute clinic up until a couple of years ago. That’s when Waffle House bought the building, loaded it onto the back of a tractor-trailer and created the ‘World’s First Mobile Meth Library.’ Now that that’s gone it makes that horse the only game in town.”

In response to the EP’s growing popularity with the southern medical care seekers, Laura Jane Grace went on record with a recent statement.

“While I am grateful for the enthusiasm for this batch of songs, I also want to acknowledge what a depressing hellhole Mississippi’s healthcare system is – and that’s not me passing judgment! Remember, I’m from Florida after all,” said Grace. “I just want to remind everyone who has no other healthcare alternative that the album is not intended to be taken orally. You just listen to it, so please stop tweeting at me asking if the vinyl comes in other ‘flavors.’”

At press time, the Mississippi legislature introduced a bill transforming all of the state’s remaining ambulances into casino shuttle buses.

Purchase the EP wherever you get your music:

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Hoarding Every Tupperware Lid We Could Find

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another week, and dozens of new songs have hit the internet. The sheer volume of these new tracks has made it hard for you to wade through them without feeling totally overwhelmed and throwing your phone into a river. Because we understand how stressful this is for you, we’ve compiled a few of our favorite new songs. Go ahead and put your phone in rice or whatever you’re supposed to do, and dig in.

Drug Church ‘Slide 2 Me’

Drug Church’s new album ‘Prude’ comes out in just a couple of weeks and the anticipation is almost unfathomable. The latest and likely final single leading up to the event, ‘Slide 2 Me,’ is an absolute ripper that is sure to elevate their already mega-intense live shows. Needless to say, this record will likely be the album of the decade. We don’t want to alarm you, but the band said if we don’t sell out of our limited edition pre-order, they might not release the album at all. You don’t want to live with that guilt, do you?

A Place To Bury Strangers ‘Bad Idea’

When Oliver Ackermann isn’t crafting the most insane boutique guitar pedals you’ve ever seen via Death By Audio, he’s using those pedals to craft the most insane music you’ve ever heard via A Place To Bury Strangers. The noise-rock trio is set to release their seventh album ‘Synthesizer’ next month. Their latest single ‘Bad Idea’ is filled to the brim with their patented blend of psych, shoegaze, post-punk, and a shit ton of sounds you didn’t know guitars could make.

High Vis ‘Drop Me Out’

Next month, High Vis will release their third album ‘Guided Tour’ the follow-up to their breakthrough LP ‘Blending.’ While the band is known for blending elements of hip-hop and synth rock into their punk-infused catalog, their latest single ‘Drop Me Out’ ditches this penchant to deliver a no frills fist pumper. Despite dialing things back, the track still manages to sound fresh and inventive while also making you want to throw your friend or coworker into a wall. Maybe skip this one if you’re reading this at the office. You’ve already seen HR too much this month.

The Kills ‘Happier Than Ever (Billie Eilish cover)’

Look, everyone knows you put on Billie Eilish as soon as you’re out of ear’s reach. If you’re hiding this adoration to avoid the appearance of being soft, you’ll be pleased to know The Kills released their own edgy version of ‘Happier Than Ever.’ Allison Mosshart’s growl and Jamie Hince’s biting guitar are sure to make it easier than ever to hide the fact that you have feelings from your concerned friends.

All American Rejects ‘Flagpole Sitta (Harvey Danger cover)’

AAR’s Tyson Ritter recently said in an interview that no one cares about listening to new music anymore. Honestly, we kind of think he’s stealing our bit here and have been exploring our legal options ever since. To help procure a better settlement, we’ve been advised to share their new and nearly pitch-perfect cover of Harvey Danger’s classic ‘Flagpole Sitta.’ It’s not reinventing the wheel or anything, which is kind of Ritter’s point, but it does make for an enjoyable listen.

L.S Dunes ‘Fatal Deluxe’

If you’ve noticed your stock in Hot Topic and L’Oréal Infallible Grip eyeliner soaring lately, it’s because L.S Dunes has released another excellent single. The band features members of My Chemical Romance, Thursday, Circa Survive, Coheed and Cambria, and probably ten other early aughts darlings that we’re failing to mention here. ‘Fatal Deluxe’ marks a glorious shift in sound for the band. They’ve yet to announce an accompanying album, and we’re sure that’s to prevent causing total chaos in the world market.

Look, we get it. You’re probably ‘too busy’ to click the play button on any of these songs. That’s why we’ve hand-crafted a playlist for you. It doesn’t just have these songs on it, either. It has every song we’ve ever written about this year, and will continue to grow until it becomes so long and disorienting that we get banned from Spotify. You can click here to check it out unless you’d prefer to continue not expanding your musical repertoire.

We Asked This Guy Who Brought His Own Pool Cue to the Bar About How His Divorce Is Going and It Was a Huge Mistake

Posted on by James Knapp

Look guys, we’re sorry. We really didn’t mean to do this interview, we were just kinda buzzed and made a snarky off-the-cuff remark. It snowballed into an interaction that simply would not end, no matter how much we tried to excuse ourselves while sheepishly side-stepping toward the door.

It wound up eating so much of our time we had to publish it just to keep our workflow going. So anyway here is our interview with the guy who brought his own pool cue. We think his name was Gary.

Hard Times: Hey, man. Does anyone have next game yet?

A Guy, Let’s Call Him Gary: Whatever.

HT: Woah, brought your own cue huh? So, how’s the divorce going?

GARY: Fucking could not be worse my brother, let me tell you about it!

HT: Uh… okay… it was just a joke dude.

Gary: Let me give you some advice, kid. Never get married! Those harpies will suck out your soul clean through your dick until you’re just left soulless and dickless and dead.

HT: Jesus Christ, that’s bleak.

Gary: Damn straight! She took the house, the good one of the kids, all my commemorative NASCAR dinner plates—everything except my goddamn pool cue.

HT: Well, it seems like you have a lot on your mind, so…

Gary: And you know what the worst part is? The alimony cats!

HT: What in the hell are alimony cats?

Gary: Anytime I send that whore tease bitch of an ex of mine an alimony check because the good kid “needs new school clothes” I also send her a dead cat in a box. Just as a reminder… you get me?

HT: You know what? Let me just grab that quarter back quick and…

Gary: Say, you don’t happen to have a line on any living cats that nobodys’ using at the moment, do you?

HT: You know what, I’m just gonna leave that quarter where it is. You can just have that.

Gary: Hey! Where are you going? Let me follow your SnapChat real quick!

It was at this point we swifty left the building and realized that we are likely just never gonna be able to go back to that bar, at least not until that guy ends up in a new, deeply age-inappropriate relationship, and forgets all about us.

Millennial Reaches End of Zillow, Begins Scrolling Out-of-Network Doctors

Posted on by Courtney Hill

HAGERSTOWN, Md. — Local millennial Cassie Dunbar recently reached the very last Zillow listing and immediately pivoted to scrolling through out-of-network doctors, sources desperate to feel inadequate reported.

“I was in bed admiring an incredible 6 bed, 5.5 bath A-frame overlooking the Pacific, priced beautifully at 11M, when I thought ‘ok, one more then lights out,’” Dunbar recalled with a sleepless rasp. “When I tried to find the next property for sale there was nothing; not even an empty lot or crumbling double wide. I can only fall asleep to my mind dwelling on my deficiencies, so I jumped on Zocdoc and switched from houses I can’t buy to doctors I can’t visit. From internists to cash-only perineum rejuvenation specialists, I could feel my health deteriorate as each medical professional grew further out of reach. I dozed off 99% sure I had cancer and 100% sure there was nothing I could do about it, my preferred blend of resigned despair.”

Meanwhile, Dunbar’s roommate Alex Varick was deep into an even more pointless tour of the unattainable: hobbies for the hyper-wealthy.

“There isn’t a single rezzy at French Laundry for 6 months, so I s’pose I’ll be eating post office candy for dinner again,” Varick griped while ignoring several past-due emails. “I’m currently 88,000th in the Ticketmaster queue for a T-Swift one-off show at the Sphere so that’s not happening, and worst of all they’re no longer taking new members at the Greenwich Yacht Club; sure makes all those hours spent pricing restored clipper ships feel like a waste of time. Some say I’m torturing myself, but really I’m searching for that perfect motivator to jumpstart my social ascent. In the meantime I’m gonna see what an Uber Black from Key West to Anchorage costs, just for fun.”

Economic Sociologist Dr. Fred Crooksjaw has dedicated the past 20 years to better understanding why millennials in particular are so drawn to the unachievable.

“It’s human nature to want what we can’t have, but millennials have taken this to obsessive extremes,” Dr. Crooksjaw asserted while boiling dental floss for reuse. “The behavior is classic rebellion against one’s parents. Millennials watched the boomer generation amass great wealth while remaining uninterested in spending any of it. Millennials and their more modest economic success therefore developed a nearly limitless fascination with what’s out of reach. From private islands for sale to waitlisted cosmetic surgery, the less relevant to their actual lives the more they seem interested in it.”

At press time, Dunbar was attending an open house posing as a tech billionaire until realizing the seller was her dentist that she owes money.

Why Should I Buy a Weighted Blanket When the Sheer Enormity of My Failures Is Free?

Posted on by Sidney Conant

Back in 1992, renowned neurodiversity advocate Dr. Temple Grandin laid the groundwork for the research on deep-touch pressure that would eventually lead to the creation of the first weighted blanket. She and some other big brain scientists or whatever claim that the extra weight placed upon your body is supposedly, like, good for your mental health and shit? That sounds pretty rad, actually, but hey, newsflash, docs: why should I go out and buy one of these things when the sheer enormity of my own failures is free?

The number of people purchasing weighted blankets has been steadily increasing year after year, but I’m not about to be one of those losers. Why would I want the tonnage of a heavy-ass bedspread regulating my emotions like I’m Linus from the Charlie Brown cartoons when all I need to do is think back to the time when I lost out on a full ride to MIT by sending in my application a month after the deadline. Mmmm…I can feel my stress levels dropping already! I think. I definitely feel heavier physically, like, it’s harder to breathe.

Using past experiences as a way to help overcome feelings of anxiety is probably some kind of therapy, and I honestly feel bad for these guys out here who are actively cheating themselves out of such a masculine way of slaying their demons. Watching Frasier underneath a quilt loaded up with a comfortable amount of steel beads? No thanks. Remembering how I’m not allowed to look after my nephew anymore because of that one time I let him use my BB gun and he shot himself in the shoulder and had to get stitches? Pure relaxation. My sister won’t even give Jason the birthday cards I mail to him anymore. Bonus!

Look, I understand that my friends and family have their own method of achieving a bit of inner peace and that I have my own. Being nestled under a sheet of fabric that’s roughly ten to twelve percent of your body weight is reportedly super beneficial and all that, but I don’t see why everyone has to try to push that shit on me. I’m more than happy looking up at the ceiling of my dad’s walk-in closet at night, reminiscing on how I’ve never truly found love and that my best years are far behind me.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..

Affordable Date Night: Anthony Kiedis Gets Senior Discount While Girlfriend Orders off Kids Menu

Posted on by Chris Bratton

LOS ANGELES — Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis was seen enjoying dinner at a local Denny’s with his new girlfriend moments before requesting a senior discount for himself and a kids menu for his partner, sources confirmed.

“When you get to this age it would be reckless to not enjoy the perks. Whether it is an AARP deal for new tires, a senior discount on coffee at McDonalds, or using your exorbitant monetary resources to bag a recent high school grad. These are the golden years,” said Kiedis before putting on a pair of bifocals to read the dessert menu. “Me and Leo Dicaprio took our gals on a playdate the other day, and while they were tossing skeeball, Leo affirmed that in no way is it weird that my girlfriend was negative 13 when ‘Blood Sugar Sex Magik’ came out! Listen, even if I wasn’t dating Isabella I would still be eating Takis, watching ‘Riverdale,’ and helping someone else with their algebra homework.”

Hope Green, a server at the Local Diner, was genuinely bewildered at the interaction.

“I told her that there was a fried chicken platter special with two sides, but she aggressively pointed at the kids menu and yelled ‘chicken dippies.’ I think she was pissed because Anthony told her it was too much sugar to have both a Shirley Temple and a milkshake. I get that older musicians go for younger women but fuck, she was born after 9/11,” said Green. “I had a ‘Californiication’ CD in the trunk of my car. When I asked Anthony to sign it, his partner yelled out ‘Uncle Flea is also on that one!’”

Hollywood matchmaker Jeff Beauregard was well-versed in pairing couples with such a large age disparity.

“I like to avoid terms like child bride and dowry and instead use more friendly language. I’ll tell a parent that their ‘youthful honeymooner’ will most likely reward them with a ‘thank you yacht,’” said Beauregard. “It’s also important to avoid bringing up shows like ‘Fresh Prince’ that can lead to a ‘90s nostalgia vs modern remake drama argument. We also coach the men to not take it personally when their girlfriend calls one of their favorite movies ‘mid’ or when they’ve never even heard of a blockbuster movie that came out in 1999. They never mean it!”

At press time, Kiedis was busy finding the perfect go-kart place and Chuck E. Cheese for the couple’s anniversary.