Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Trying Not To Panic About Everything

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week, another slew of new music that you can’t be bothered to listen to. What happened to you? You used to be cool. Well, maybe not cool, but at least acceptable. Your current plummet into societal irrelevancy could be traced back to your refusal to listen to anything that came out after 2005. We get it. It was a great year for music, but it’s time to move on. Here are six new tracks to help get you back on the right track.

Drug Church “Hey Listen”

The long wait is finally over. The only album that has ever mattered in the entire history of music is here. Drug Church’s ‘Prude’ is a masterclass in busting your door down and kicking your shit in. There isn’t a second of this record where the guitars sound like they aren’t actively trying to break out of your headphones and shatter your skull. To avoid cranial injuries, try buying the special edition vinyl from our store and listening on speakers at a safe distance.

Scarab “Tetanus” / “Untitled”

If you’ve been to the office lately, you’ve probably been wondering what all the spackle was about. Well, Scarab released two of the heaviest singles known to man which caused several of our interns to throw their laptops through our cheap and already damaged drywall. If the band decides to release any more music soon, our whole building might be condemned. Needless to say, we’ve decided to wait for an album announcement before repainting.

Coheed and Cambria “Blind Side Sonny”

In case you didn’t already hear about it at your last D&D session, Coheed and Cambria released a new single. ‘Blind Side Sonny’ apparently introduces a new character to the band’s long-running Amory Wars/Vaxis universe. At least that’s what we think our Managing Editor said before we zoned out. All we really know is that it’s the most urgent Coheed has sounded in years.

Cheekface “Flies”

Most of those in our writers’ room cannot do a kickflip and are not on TV. It’s no surprise then that Cheekface’s new single ‘Flies’ seems to be speaking directly to them. Our staffs’ inability to foster real friendships aside, the track is about as fun and catchy as you would expect from the LA trio. And if Greg Katz’s dry and comedic lyricism isn’t enough, listeners are also treated to some excellent baritone sax from Jeff Rosenstock.

34 Trolley “Relaxation”

When the legendary Jersey rockers Screaming Females announced their breakup late last year, many of their fans were worried they would never be able to listen to music again. Fortunately, the band’s drummer Jarrett Dougherty is moving forward with a new solo project. Featuring members of Catbite and Push Ups, 34 Trolley blends elements of 80’s post-punk and disco. If you’ve always wanted LCD Soundsystem to sound less annoying and more punk, this is for you.
Relaxation EP by 34 Trolley

Because we know you’re too despondent to do it yourself, we’ve compiled these and several other questionable tunes into a playlist for you. It’s literally the least we could do. Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you’re a tastemaker in the world of punk, indie, hardcore and metal.

In Your Face! I Proved My Old Teachers Wrong by Applying Myself and Still Failing Miserably

Posted on by Carson Kile

Everybody loves a good underdog story, so I thought I’d share mine here. My whole childhood I had teachers tell me how awful of a student I was, how I was wasting my potential, how I would grow up to be nothing but a deadbeat and a loser. Well, I’ve made it my life’s goal to prove those naysayers wrong. I’m an adult now, and I would kill to see the look on their faces when they realize that I’m actually doing much worse than they initially predicted.

My English teacher Mr. Stone always said that I could achieve great things if I only applied myself. Mr Stone, I’ll have you know, I’ve been trying my ass off for years and still have nothing to show for it! Every project I’ve ever sunk my time into, any endeavor I’ve ever signed off on has either failed spectacularly or fizzled out before ever leaving the ground. Bet you feel pretty silly now, don’t you, Mr. Stone? Not to rub it in, but it turns out my failures have nothing to do with a lack of motivation, but a complete absence of talent. Ha! Egg on your face.

My PE teacher Mrs. Gomez once said she’d never seen someone so out of shape in her life, and that flipped a switch in my head that made me say “Fuck you, watch this.” Mrs. Gomez, you’ll be astonished to know that as an adult I’ve worked diligently to increase my Doritos intake by at least sevenfold, and just the other night I finally polished a pint of Cherry Garcia off in one sitting. I can now run out of breath walking to the fridge, when before it would take me anywhere from 1 to 2 flights of stairs.

My history teacher Mr. Lee always said if I didn’t start taking my studies seriously, I would end up flipping burgers after high school. First of all, that’s racist (I’m German), and secondly, I applied to McDonald’s and didn’t make the cut. According to them, I was “wholly unqualified,” a “liability,” and “scary.” Would be pretty tough to flip burgers if I’m not allowed in the kitchen, wouldn’t it Mr. Lee? In fact, I’ve been 86’d from at least 47 different McDonald’s locations across state lines, which is a record that will stay standing for a very long time. Just another way that I’ve made a name for myself while you rot away in some stinking classroom, Mr. Lee.

I like to share my story to teach others that you are never defined by other people’s opinions of you. You CAN be worse, you CAN disappoint your loved ones even more. With enough dedication to never improving, constantly settling, and neglecting your well-being, you’ll surprise yourself with things you only dreamt of under-achieving. Never, ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Enchanted Bucket Hat Transports Man to Magical World Where ‘90s Never Ended

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

SEATTLE— 42-year-old insurance adjuster Marc Barron was recently whisked away to Pibbapalooza, a magical world in which the 1990s never ended after putting on a mysterious and enchanted bucket hat, various sources report.

“All I did was put this bucket hat on after finding it beneath a pile of old Spin Doctors CDs and promotional Third Eye Blind keychains in this wardrobe at my uncle’s old country manor,” said Barron. “I must have blacked out for a moment, but when I came to, I found myself in this totally gnarly magical world. It’s exactly how I remember everything from the ‘90s when I first met my ex Tabi and before my weird back pain started. There’s Fruitopia and Crystal Pepsi everywhere, internet cafes are on every corner, and this dude with goat legs says I can crash on his couch until the Sister Hazel show later.”

Mr. Toddley, a magical faun wearing a Hootie & the Blowfish t-shirt, was worried about the myriad otherworldly dangers that lay before Barron in Pibbapalooza.

“Marc, this human child, this son of Ad-Rock, is special,” said Mr. Toddley, stroking his soul patch. “He is the first visitor from the human world that we have seen in goodness knows how long, not counting Kurt Loder, who’s constantly checking in. We must protect him from the wicked Ticketmistress, whose monopoly over all things 1990s has oppressed the talking animals, magical beasts, and guys named Chad for too long. He must be the one to help this terrible era of eternal ‘90s finally end. It is always the 1990s here and never even the early 2000s!

“I’ve never even gotten to listen to ‘Hot Fuss,’” said Mr. Toddley, breaking down in tears. “I heard the first half of it is really good.”

Kurkolmak, the regal Furby who reigns as the King of Must-Have Toys and the son of the Monarch-Beyond-the-Mall, had faith in Barron, to a certain degree.

“The day of the Ticketmistress is almost over,” said Kurkolmak. “Her curse of a neverending ‘90s, when the good folk of Pibbapalooza are forced to listen to ‘A Boy Named Goo’ over and over and the economy is good but only because of a tech bubble that’s just about to pop, will be broken. At least, that is what will happen if [Barron] ever gets the fuck off Toddley’s couch. Seriously, I’m beginning to see why he’s so stuck in the past. What a slacker.”

As of press time, Barron had gotten drunk at the Sister Hazel show and was vomiting up Olde English 800 and Turkish delight behind the stage.

A Master of Her Medium: This Mom’s Caption on Child’s Birthday Post Actually an Allegory Attacking Ex-Husband

Posted on by Rachel Hein

There’s a new frontier in the throes of marital and postmarital powerplay and it lies in the deeply personal and earnest letter written by a parent to a child on their birthday each year and posted for all the world to witness the boundless, unfaltering, selfless love reserved for mothers. And also… they fucking hate their ex.

Heather Howell, mother of three, has a colorful Instagram feed full of beautiful children doing cartwheels through sprinklers, eating popsicles on the Cape, back-to-school outfits and so much more suburban bliss. But what has really captivated audiences is her captions fraught with layered wordplay and double meanings. When looking with a critical eye, we can examine: What is she saying? What is she not saying? And what is the story of the space in between?

In a birthday post for her youngest child — an old skin-to-skin photo post-birth in which she looks at the camera, seemingly held by her husband, exhausted, proud, with a modicum of irritation, “put that camera way” — accompanied by a caption:

“Ginsburg, I can’t believe you’re 9! Time is so twisty and bendy. It moves both fast and slow. Where have the years gone? I realize what I’ve been missing and what I deserve. Love. Keep teaching me how to love myself. The past year has been hard on you and on me, but never stop making me laugh, even when it’s through the tears. #time #fast #slow #twist #bend #tears”

On its surface, a tribute to a growing girl and the unpredictable shape of motherhood. But a palpable disillusionment bubbles beneath. She keeps us guessing in one for her eldest:

“Happy birthday, my sweet Maddox. We’re both learning to set boundaries and say no this year. Bullies take many forms regardless of our age. We must forgive ourselves and others. I’ll always be there for you, you’ll always have me.”

The interpretive process would suggest she is as fond of her husband as Orwell was with the Bolsheviks. The wordsmith then dazzled us with her most recent biting post:

“Dear Luca, you’re 11 years old today. I never would have known I had the strength to be a single parent, the way a cactus stands alone in the dry unforgiving desert wind, without you showing me I could. When I feel like I can’t do it, I’m going to remind myself of today at Legoland (your birthday gift from me and only me) when I saw a sign that read, ‘Build happiness, one Lego at a time.’ …One lego at a time, Luca. Show me how…”

Some speculate that Heather has her sights set on publishing her work, a Pulitzer dangling in the distance. But children are useful literary tools in conveying a deeper message about marriage as the ultimate performance, making this her perfect platform. In pressing Heather for comment, she simply smiled, “I don’t know what you mean…? I just love celebrating their birthdays.” …She’s good.

GG Allin Chia Pet Has Very Different Set of Directions for Fertilizing Soil

Posted on by Chris Bratton

LITTLETON, N.H. — A recent release of a limited edition “GG Allin Chia Pet” elicited a mixed reaction due to the rather unconventional set of growing instructions, horrified sources report.

“Originally we started with a Hulk Hogan model, but there were a lot of complaints about the reduction of surface area that was being used. We then pivoted to a fine art theme, but test audiences found the Van Gogh model to be ‘haunting’ due to the realistic gaping ear wound on the one side,” said Bryce Liggins, designer at Chia. “But then bam, it hit me–what if we could create a model where the gardener could literally put themselves into the design. Naturally, we went with GG Allin, and the rest is history. You can’t make a fecal pitch without GG Allin.”

While users seem to adore the product, the people they share their homes with skew more negative.

“Shit. There was human shit in our kitchen. I couldn’t figure out the smell so I took the trash out, cleaned out the drain and checked all the mouse traps,” Christian Bach, a roommate of one of the first users lamented. “Then I noticed a scarred up chia pet sitting next to my spider plant, smeared with shit and seeds. Who would do that? How do you get it out of the toilet, and what do you use to apply it? The company that came up with a cute hedgehog and Bob Ross chia pets has now switched to GG fucking Allin! The target market for this can’t possibly be big enough to justify its existence.”

Jerry Cavill, an interior decorator who specializes in punk and gore, was ecstatic with the home décor addition.

“GG Allin is a huge influence on my work. I tell customers to ‘mutilate’ their banisters and trim with a razor blade for a fun distressed look,” said Cavill gleefully. “When someone’s kitchen is feeling a little too blah, I always tell them that blood is the perfect pop of color for cabinetry accents and pulls. Your house was already built with bones, give it a little bit of bodily fluids of any kind, and now your house is a home, a living home!”

As of press time, rumors speculate that the designer wasn’t an actual employee but a crust punk who wandered in after dumpster diving behind the Chia offices.

Opinion: It Doesn’t Matter Why I Already Went Through a “Lifetime Supply” of Hormel Chili, Just Give Me More

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Look, I’ll say it plain and simple: it doesn’t matter why I already went through your supposed “lifetime supply” of Hormel Chili that I won, and I’m not legally required to tell you. All I want is what I am legally entitled to so long as my heart is beating: More of America’s best-selling chili and no goddamn questions.

I’m old enough to remember a time before the powers-that-be started putting definitions on what a “lifetime supply” meant or trying to twist the fine print on call-in phone contests on 95.3 KCHL, the Heat That Can’t Be Beat. I remember when, if you had won a supposedly unlimited supply of Hormel Chili, you didn’t get the third degree about how you went through 49 gallons in five days.

Back in the day, you just got more chili.

Trust me, no one wants to get lawyers involved here and tarnish the good name of 95.3 KCHL, the Heat That Can’t Be Beat. I’ve been a loyal listener to DJ Derek and the Municipal Madman for years, and it would break my heart to get attorneys involved in what should be a relatively simple matter of filling up the 55-gallon plastic barrel I brought to this station at my own expense and letting me be on my way.

DJ Derek has already had enough trouble with the law without getting involved in chili-related phone-in contest fraud, wouldn’t you say?

I would also like to reiterate that I read the rules of this contest extremely closely. As long as I was the first person to call in and recite all of the ingredients to Hormel chili in alphabetical order without taking a breath, I’d get a lifetime supply of any flavor of my choice. Is that not the case? Is it not?

You probably thought no one would remember “textured soy flour.” You were wrong.

Nowhere in the rules does it say that I have to eat the chili or produce evidence that I have eaten it. It also does not say that I cannot use it to fill potholes, regrout my neighbor’s bathtub as a courtesy, or use the famously sensuous smell of Coney Island Inspired Hormel Chili No Bean with Mustard and Onions as part of an ongoing campaign of seduction of said neighbor.

I’m not admitting to anything, by the way. And I certainly have no obligation to.

A deal is a deal, and as long as I draw breath, I will be returning to 95.3 KCHL, the Heat That Can’t Be Beat, for Hormel chili whenever I want and how often I like. Even in a benighted and fallen society like ours, we must respect a man’s need to shoot a high-powered jet of Hormel chili into the air every morning to greet the dawn using a jury-rigged firehose.

That’s what this is about. Respect.

Now fill up the barrel. I’ll be back for more Hormel tomorrow and I expect the Municipal Man to have it ready next time.

Trump Further Alienates Self on International Level After Posting “I HATE MOO DENG” on Truth Social

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

PALM BEACH, Fla. — Former President Trump drew the ire of the worldwide population after posting “I HATE MOO DENG” on Truth Social at 2:37 a.m. this morning, multiple incredulous sources confirmed.

“Look, it’s just a fat little hippo. I prefer American hippos, full-sized, huge hippos that could eat three watermelons at once. The Democrats want all hippos to be tiny, and they want horses to be tiny too. I want to make animals big again,” said Trump. “People think Moo Deng is cute because she bites zoo keepers. Newsflash, that’s not cute. I bit at least four zookeepers last week and they didn’t find it cute, but they were honored. One of them, a former Marine, said to me, ‘Thank you Mr. Trump. Thank you for biting me, it was so much better than if a hippo bit me.’ This is true. Then he asked me to bite him again, but I wouldn’t do it. No more biting until I’m back in the White House.”

Some online fans of Moo Deng are saying this might be what sways them from voting for Trump.

“I don’t pay much attention to politics to be honest. I’ve had a bad string of luck lately, I lost my job working for the Parks Department, then I broke my ankle, which ended up getting infected, so I’ve been dealing with insurance for months. The only sliver of joy I have in my life is watching videos of Moo Deng be an absolute terror,” said undecided voter Emily Petty. “If anything happens to Moo Deng I might just fucking kill myself. So the fact Trump seems to hate her might be a deal breaker. I want a President who loves Moo Deng as much as I do. Honestly, it’s the only issue I care about, and I know I’m not alone.”

Political analyst Gretta Lipton believes Moo Deng’s astronomic rise in popularity could sway the election.

“Both candidates are in a dead heat right now. There is no way of knowing who is going to come out on top in November. If Moo Deng leveraged her celebrity status to endorse a candidate it could change everything. But she seems to be more interested in splashing around a small tub of water and refuses to pick a side,” said Lipton. “It’s irresponsible of Moo Deng, but that’s what we love about her to begin with. You cannot control Moo Deng, she plays by her own rules.”

At press time, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. offered up a story about a time he fed four live monkeys to a captive hippo for some reason.

I Noticed Your Publication Has Been Talking a Lot of Shit About Bassists — Guest Article by the Ghost of Cliff Burton

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

Hey metal fans, the ghost of Cliff Burton here.

I’ve traversed the astral plane to call out The Hard Times. I couldn’t help but notice they really like to talk a lot of shit about bassists. Well if bass is so unimportant, why did the rest of Metallica fly across the country from Los Angeles to San Francisco so I could join their band? Huh? That’s what I thought.

I didn’t spend weeks learning the bass guitar for some jokes website to discredit my work 40 years after I died. Some of those bass tracks I even practiced and everything.

By the way, my death was way more metal than how the rest of Metallica’s are going to be. They’re gonna pass in cozy Malibu mansions and first-rate hospice care centers, surrounded by friends and family in their final hours.

I died at night in the icy north of Scandinavia, and under a tour bus no less. It don’t get more metal than that. Except for maybe that guy from Slayer that died by spider bite. Holy shit. I should hang with him sometime.

Can you play “(Anesthesia) – Pulling Teeth,” Hard Times? Didn’t think so. Do any of you even play in a world-renowned band? Besides, if playing bass is so easy, why was Dee Dee Ramone able to do it so well? Yet, all everyone wants to talk about is how good James is at rhythm guitar.

Playing six strings instead of four doesn’t prove anything, everybody knows it. Metallica’s bass player was the most badass member at any given time too. First there was me, who introduced the Misfits to the rest of the band. Then there’s my replacement: Jason Newsted. Hell, an entire generation of metalheads ripped off Jason’s undercut hairdo, while Lars, James, and Kirk still looked like they were on the way to a Poison concert.

So what if “…And Justice For All” didn’t have any bass? That album is still harder than anything I did with the band. Wait, forget I said that.

And then there’s Robert Trujillo, who was in the Pepsi song band. Honestly, I don’t know much about them, other than the fact that I could never beat their song in Guitar Hero. Yeah, we have Guitar Hero here, Bass Hero too, but Peter Steele is always hogging it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go finish a word search puzzle I’ve been working on for a few days.

Chappell Roan Criticized For Not Using Platform to Single-Handedly End Conflict in Middle East

Posted on by Bill Conway

LOS ANGELES — Pop megastar Chappell Roan is facing backlash across the internet for her perceived unwillingness to use her celebrity status to single-handedly broker a peace deal in the Middle East, multiple TikTok users confirmed.

“This is just not it. Chappell better be using all this free time she has after canceling her festival appearances to charter an eco-friendly jet with no carbon emissions to fly to Lebanon and broker a ceasefire deal before Iran decides to escalate this conflict even more,” said former self-proclaimed Roan superfan Leanne Winston. “And while she is in Beirut she better start building some new homes for victims of the air raids. I’ve been a fan of Chappell for nearly four months now, and the fact she isn’t on the ground in a war zone preparing meals for refugees just shows how out of touch she is.”

Beirut resident Abdel Saad is one of the many people who were displaced by Israeli bombing over the course of the past few weeks.

“When my home was destroyed I prayed to get clarity on why this is happening to me and my family. I had originally assumed this was due to Israel’s need for power and the United States’ complicity, but then I saw a short video about how Chappell Roan is MAGA coded and how she’s been the problem all along,” said Saad. “It’s not a coincidence that she released ‘The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess’ in September 2023 and Hamas attacked Israel just two weeks later and set all of this mess in motion. She started this all, and she has the ability to end it.”

United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres hopes to meet with Roan within the next few days to help the worsening conflict get resolved.

“At first I really wanted to set up a meeting with Chappell so my granddaughters could get a photo with her, but now I realize Chappell is the only person on the planet that can keep humanity from being launched into total nuclear war. But she has to act now, she has to stop making TikTok videos talking about her mental health and start helping with international diplomacy,” said Guterres. “We are dealing with true existential threats here and I’m glad to see there are so many heroes online calling Chappell to action, I just hope she will listen.”

At press time, Jason Aldean was being praised by right wing media outlets for saying all of America’s enemies in the Middle East should be “wiped off the map.”