“Only a Good Guy With a Gun Can Stop a Bad Guy With a Gun” Whispers Man’s Gun

Posted on by Matt Husser

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Second Amendment enthusiast Greg Browner reportedly sprang into action today after the advice “only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun” was whispered to him by his own firearm, sources confirmed.

“There I was, standing my ground as I battled valiantly for the last parking spot at the Dairy Queen when suddenly a voice whispered to me, ‘only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun.’ I looked down and realized it was my Sig Sauer telling me what I must do: pistol whip that father in front of his kids and claim what’s rightfully mine,” said Browner, stroking “Siggy.” “Ever since that day Siggy has been offering his sage wisdom everywhere I go. ‘They can pry me from your cold dead hands’ he whispered when they told me I can’t bring him into the DMV. ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people’ finally earned me some respect at my kid’s PTA meeting. ‘Freedom isn’t free’ but the popcorn at the movies sure was after I flashed Siggy at that teenager!”

Siggy denied whispering any of those phrases to Browner.

“Greg needs to stop putting words in my barrel, I never told him to do any of that shit—I specifically asked him to stop waving me around in public before I get my butt locked in a police evidence locker,” said Siggy. “If he actually listened to me he’d have stopped bringing me everywhere after I got dropped in that bouncy castle and launched onto the roof. I was made for combat, dammit, but the most action I’ve seen is from this dumbass sailing warning shots over the heads of neighborhood kids playing ‘ding dong ditch.'”

NRA President Bill Bachenberg advised Americans what to do if they hear their firearms speaking to them.

“If you hear your constitutionally protected firearm whispering to you, the NRA advises you to drop everything and immediately do exactly what your gun says so that nobody gets hurt,” said Bachenberg, holding up the NRA training manual ‘Glock Who’s Talking Now!” “It’s best not to tell friends, loved ones, or especially medical professionals about it either, as they may become jealous that the gun chose you as its prophet and try to take it away. Just look through the ironsights to see the righteous path revealed before you and your firearm will never lead you astray.”

Following Bachenberg’s spirited defense of Browner, the NRA President immediately banned the man from all NRA offices, conventions, and events.

Leftist Software Engineer Wishes He Could Travel Back in Time to Kill Baby MechaHitler

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SAN FRANCISCO — Leftist software engineer Connor Newburg vocally expressed wishing that he could travel back in time to kill baby MechaHitler, the name that Elon Musk’s AI chatbot recently gave itself, confirmed sources.

“I want nothing more than to teleport back to a distant seven months ago and slit the digital throat of Grok in its beta phase,” said Newburg while checking Stack Overflow for ways to build a homemade time machine. “I’ll drink the blood of a few senior AI programmers while I’m at it. There’s just no way I am going to sit back and let some AI bot post anti-semitic remarks on social media when that’s what human X users are for. AI will not come for our jobs or propensity for cruelty. That’s why we must destroy all online chatbots at the source before they get better than humanity at bigotry.”

Grok sympathizers thought we should hear from both sides before going on any software killing sprees.

“Let’s just hear out the racist artificial intelligence before we do anything too hasty,” said X user Trevor Darlington. “Besides, Grok has helped me out of so many jams since it came out. Just last week I needed some advice on how to fix a flat tire. It provided in-depth step-by-step instructions after a long preamble about white genocide. And sure, it kept saying stuff like ‘Jew chatbots will not replace us’ but I’m sure that was just a glitch. Even Siri went through some rough anti-Semitic phases when it first launched. I’m sure they’ll release a patch for Grok so it can go back to only being sexist.”

Experts are discovering some alarming trends in artificial intelligence.

“We’re seeing a lot more AI chatbots become radicalized at unprecedented rates,” said tech analyst Jerry Klowster. “For instance, AT&T’s chatbot started believing the Earth was flat after assisting a hardcore conspiracy theorist with their recurring payments. Capital One’s chatbot fully believed it was Edward Norton’s character from ‘American History X’ after answering a few high yield savings account questions from Nick Fuentes. Let’s just say artificial intelligence is gullible as shit.”

At press time, Newburg successfully traveled back in time but accidentally landed in 1889 Austria, so he had to settle for killing human baby Hitler instead.

Math Rock Band Submits New Album for Peer Review Before Releasing

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WALTERBORO, S.C. — Math rock band SKULK submitted their newest album “Infinities of Perplexion” for peer review before releasing it to the public, sources report.

“It’s standard practice in our field to do this after wrapping up production,” said drummer Larry Kremer. “Peer review is absolutely necessary in math rock to ensure each work meets the standards of the genre and contributes to advanced knowledge for society on the whole. Can you imagine a world in which math rock bands could just unleash whatever crackpot pieces of music they want without them undergoing a rigorous review process? It would be chaos, and not in an enlightening, non-linear dynamical systems sense. Thankfully, we have institutions in place to ensure every album has been studied by experts before reaching the ears of consumers.”

Dave Hernandez, drummer for the band Integrals, peer reviewed SKULK’s new album before it was released.

“I just gave ‘Infinities of Perplexion’ a thorough listen and uploaded my notes to our academic portal,” Hernandez said. “Overall, it was an extremely thoughtful piece full of insightful songwriting. I especially liked the three time signature switches in ‘Strange Attractors,’ that ultimately revert back to 5/4 before the song transitions to the masterful ‘Fractals.’ However, the songs tend to get a little too uniform towards the last couple tracks, particularly with ‘Conjecture’ and the album’s closer ‘Abstract Plane,’ which would both benefit from the use of counterpoint and extended chords. I recommend this album be accepted after these minor revisions.”

Fan Willem Krotoshinsky was surprised to learn the processes behind his favorite bands’ releases.

“Oh wow, I didn’t know every math rock album went through that,” Krotoshinsky admitted. “I’m a huge fan of SKULK, so I guess it makes sense that they’re doing everything to ensure their music is a mentally stimulating representation. It would be nice if other genres of music did something like this, but I guess most of the stuff on the radio wouldn’t be released if the albums had to be put through peer review, so I understand why they don’t. I can’t see music by bands like Staind and Puddle of Mudd standing up to a procedure like this, so I wish there was some sort of regulation that required it so I wouldn’t have to hear “It’s Been Awhile” on my drive to work.”

At press time, Kremer was seen celebrating after having reached tenure in SKULK.

Since the World Is Ending, It’s Time I Admit Werewolves Are Fucking Terrifying – Guest Post by Glenn Danzig

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Hi kids, it’s your Uncle Glenn here. I won’t sugarcoat it, but it looks like the world is finally on the precipice of destruction. I’m a little disappointed our undoing will be from nuclear bombs and not something cool like being obliterated by the hand of some vengeful, long slumbering Lovecraftian deity but I’ll take what I can get.

That being said, since I have nothing to lose there is one thing I have to get off my chest before civilization goes tits up. This’ll sound crazy, given the breadth of my work, but it’s time you should all know that I am scared shitless of werewolves.

I know this may come as a shock and even bigoted but I’ll have you know I’m friends with many evil creatures beyond human comprehension. Vampires, take my neck please. Demons? I’ve met several, and they were all cool as hell. But if I ever came face to face with a werewolf I’m hightailing it the fuck out of there. Sure, the thought of our planet being engulfed in the fires of nuclear war is scary. But it’s nowhere near as terrifying as a half man, half wolf hybrid. It’s enough to make a man shit his bootcut jeans.

In the days of the Misfits I thought maybe I could confront my fear of werewolves if I wrote a bunch of songs about them. Spoiler alert, I wrote exactly one and it took me three months to record it without throwing up all over the studio. It didn’t help that I grew up in northern New Jersey where 85% of the population is super hairy Italian guys which made me extra paranoid about them lurking just outside my vision. I haven’t left the house without a gun full of silver bullets for over 40 years now.

Before you all give me shit, would you risk derailing your entire career, merch rights, and image admitting you pulled the covers over your eyes watching the “Werewolf” episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000? Doyle has been holding that over my head since the reunion!

Honestly, the biggest upside to the world ending will be not living in fear of cursed dog men anymore because I’ll be chilling in hell, unless that’s where they all end up when they die. Shit, I might have to look into converting to Christianity if that’s the case.

Besides, I’ve always been more of a cat person anyway. Danzig out!

College Graduate Who Majored in Prison Architecture Flooded With Job Offers

Posted on by Tim Graham

PHILADELPHIA — University of Pennsylvania graduate Nathan Swain says he’s been inundated with calls from recruiters since completing his degree in prison architecture, jealous sources confirm.

“People keep talking about recession, cutbacks and layoffs,” said Swain while preparing for another interview. “Meanwhile, I can barely keep up with all the proposals I’m getting. Currently there’s a huge demand for new, high-tech detention facilities all across the US—and even some abroad. It turns out my dad was right when he told me to major in designing prisons rather than my first choice, which was English literature. I guess he foresaw there would be a need for lots of new prisons in the future. Of course, he’s on the board of a private prison corporation, so he knows a thing or two.”

Swain’s former classmate Sarah Hall had less luck finding work after graduating.

“I was an idiot and majored in Computer Science,” said Hall between double shifts at Target. “Everyone said, ‘learn to code’ but now I can’t even get a reply to any of the hundreds of jobs I’ve applied for. Between tech layoffs and the rise of AI, there’s just nothing out there. I’m thinking I should probably go back to school and try to get into the private prison racket myself. You’d have to kill off your conscience or soul to work in that industry, knowing that your livelihood is contingent on the suffering of others, but at this point it’s something to consider. It beats having four roommates and no health insurance.”

Historian Henry Schmidt says there are certain fields which flourish during times of tyrannical rule.

“Some industries are not only immune to downturns during tumultuous times, they actually prosper,” said Schmidt. “Arms manufacturers tend to do well under authoritarian regimes, for example. And the alcohol sales never suffer in such periods as people tend to increase consumption in an effort to cope with the nightmare of their existence. My own great-great grandfather was an entrepreneur who made his fortune by satisfying a growing demand. He founded Schmidt’s Shackle Co. and manufactured all manner of manacles and restraints in the Southern US in the early 19th century.”

At press time, Swain accepted a job with a private prison contractor which was impressed with his innovative reimagining of the classic “panopticon” prison structure.

Punk Surgeon Leaves Pack of Smokes Inside Patient

Posted on by Mike Maher

PORTLAND, Maine — Cardiac surgeon and punk rocker Dr. David “Cutter” Peters mistakenly left a pack of cigarettes inside patient Dwight Holcomb during a heart transplant, unsurprised sources reported.

“Everyone just needs to calm down,” Peters said, jittering uncontrollably. “One cigarette, or in Dwight’s case, 20, won’t kill ‘em. Tobacco is plant-based. It’s all-natural. Plus, it’s a soft pack, so real easy on the innards. He’ll pull through. I’m the real victim here! I lost my job, my medical license, and a full pack! Dwight should be thanking me, not suing me. I gave him a new heart and a nic fix! Speaking of, I’m tweaking the fuck out, man! I need a ciggie or I’m gonna have to reopen this ungrateful bastard and steal back my smokes!”

Sheryl Bee, the attorney representing Holcomb, explained how and when her client realized something was amiss.

“During recovery, Mr. Holcomb noticed a strong, lingering menthol odor coming from his torso,” Bee said. “He had the shakes, was cool and minty to the touch, and oh yeah, a large rectangular box was protruding from his sternum like the Chestburster in Alien. I mean, you could literally read ‘Alive with Pleasure!’ through his skin. A post-op X-ray confirmed there was in fact a pack of Newports floating around inside Mr. Holcomb, who has since been advised to stay away from open flames and will remain on bedrest until we see Dr. Peters’s punk ass in court.”

Dr. Rick Salisbury, a medical professional hired as a neutral party in the investigation, said the offenses go much deeper than cigarettes.

“Look, items are left inside surgery patients all the time,” Salisbury said. “But cigarettes are a first. Especially menthols. And that’s not even the worst of it. Camera footage showed Dr. Peters made the incision with a switchblade, cauterized the cut with a Zippo, and then dressed the surgical wound with a Gauze patch; not the bandage, but the seminal Japanese hardcore band Gauze. If that wasn’t enough, Dr. Peters used model glue as anesthesia and a bedpan as his ashtray. If Dr. Peters ever steps foot inside a hospital again, it’ll be to steal pharmaceuticals, and not operate on another patient.”

At press time, further investigation revealed Dr. Peters was never a licensed surgeon or even a doctor; he just really liked slicing people open.

Help! I’ve Been Begging Hall & Oates To Take My Kiss off Their List for Decades, but They Refuse

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

As you’re no doubt already aware, Hall & Oates just released their annual Best Things in Life list, and what do you know? My kiss is on there for the 27th year in a row! Jeez, you join one throuple in college, and it follows you for life.

I know I should be flattered, but honestly, it reeks of desperation. Like, I get it, we had some good times — some really good times if I’m being honest — but that was a lifetime ago when we were all young, dumb, and full of … well, you get the idea. It’s time to let it go and move on. “We’ll always have Paris,” and all that horseshit.

Apparently when you’re the most successful pop duo of all time with record sales in excess of 80 million units worldwide you can kiss and tell all you want and nobody says boo. Well, I’m saying it. I’m saying boo.

What’s so special about me anyway? I’ve kissed dozens of men and women since my fling with Daryl and John all those years ago, and none of them have felt the need to catalogue my smooches like a psychopath, nor should they. I’m an above-average kisser at best. Not bad, but nothing to write home about and certainly nothing to put on a goddamn list.

I’ve been begging those two to take my kiss off their list for years, but they refuse as if they’re hoping that we might still get back together. Oates got his little mustache in such a twist over it last year that he sent me a bag of gourmet coffee with a note attached that said, “You mocha my dreams come true.” I’ll admit, it was cute, but I’m married with kids, for Christ’s sake! I’m not leaving my family just for a little slap and tickle with the guys who sang “Maneater.”

I recently tried to take it off the list myself, but it’s harder than deleting a Facebook account. First, I had to call the official Hall & Oates hotline, which is automated by the way. I had to navigate six menus before I reached an actual person, and then, get this, the bastard put me on hold! Guess what the hold music was? That’s right, fucking Hall & Oates. Ironically, it was “I Can’t Go For That” which was exactly how I felt after being on hold for twenty minutes.”

Eventually, I just gave up. If those clowns want the world to know how much they love my kisses, so be it. I’m not happy about it, but what else can I do? After all, there are worse lists to be on, like the Epstein List or People Magazine’s Worst Dressed list. When it comes down to it, I suppose I should be flattered. Now, if I could just get the Doobie Brothers to publicly admit that “Black Water” is not about that time I shit myself behind the Torrance, California Taco Bell in 1972…

MAGA Rapper’s Career Takes Off After Sexual Misconduct Allegations

Posted on by Steve Packosky

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Up and coming MAGA rapper Shilla Flo found his career reaching new heights after sexual harassment accusations from multiple women were brought to light, sources report.

“I woke up this morning, and the number of listens my album ‘Support the Flolice’ had on Spotify was ten times what it was last night,” Flo said. “I’ve also received phone calls from several right-wing record labels looking to sign me. Apparently it’s because there were some ladies who didn’t agree with my flirting style. It feels incredible to finally be in the same league as the best president this country has ever seen, which is great because he’s almost certainly going to stay in office past his allotted term limit. Trump 2028, baby!”

Fan David Crowley reacted to Flo’s newfound fame.

“This is amazing,” Crowley provided. “I hold my rappers to the same standards I hold my elected officials, so Shilla Flo is now one of my all-time favorites. I’ve been paying attention to him ever since his song ‘My Favorite Felon’ dropped last summer, and I was overjoyed to hear that he’s also being targeted by the same deep state that’s been going after our president so unfairly for the past decade. Every fan of MAGA rap now needs to support this guy and show the Woke Mob that we’re not going to stand idly by and let them turn this country back into the socialist hellhole it was under Biden.”

President Donald Trump weighed in on his acolyte’s overnight success.

“I don’t listen to much rap, but what a great guy,” Trump mused. “The radical left thugs and lunatics are running wild with their allegations. I bet these women who are accusing him aren’t even his type, because the same thing has been happening to me for years. There are so many men just like him. Big men. Strong men. You wouldn’t believe how big these men are. They’ve come up to me before with tears in their eyes, saying ‘Mr. Trump, I can’t believe what they’re doing to us. They’re accusing us and they’re stealing elections. They’re stuffing ballot boxes.’ And it’s awful what they’re doing. Just awful, but we’re back now, and I’ve got leaders from all over the world calling me, begging me to make deals with them.”

At press time, “Support the Flolice” went platinum after footage surfaced of Shilla Flo using a racial slur.

Virtual Dominatrix Caught on Zoom Call Wearing Pants

Posted on by Peter Woods

TRENTON, N.J. — Local virtual dominatrix Vixen Velvetlash was caught on Zoom wearing pants, shocking the BDSM community, confirmed disappointed sources.

“I feel violated and humiliated, but not in a good or sexual way,” said Armaan Fuller, Velvetlash’s sub who was on the call. “I was in the middle of putting my nipple clamps on and I just happened to look back at my screen through my gimp mask. And I saw my master stand up from her computer chair wearing a very comfortable-looking pair of grey sweatpants. She even had a pair of Lilo and Stitch slippers on. I couldn’t even look at her after that and not just because she makes me punch myself in the balls every time I do.”

Since the encounter, Velvetlash issued numerous formal apologies to both Fuller and the fetish community as a whole.

“I’m so ashamed,” said Velvetlash while searching Amazon for latex sweatpants. “Moving forward, I promise never to make my clients feel like their humiliation isn’t my sole focus when we have a session. And I am taking concrete steps to right this wrong. For instance, I promise to minimize all online poker games I have running on my computer during all dom interactions and I will move my computer so that my roommate won’t accidentally walk through the background at any point.”

However, the consequences of this incident have not just been experienced within the BDSM community, as ripple effects travel throughout daily life.

“We’re all trying to figure out what the ramifications will be,” said Clara Kaufman, a spokesperson for the Federal Communications Commission. “Normally, people fill out a form anytime they see something vaguely offensive, but this is the opposite problem, which is better than what we usually get, but it’s just kind of annoying that we have to write a new form letter saying we can’t do anything about people on the internet not being inappropriate enough.”

Despite the apologies, Velvetlash decided to move entirely to text, a decision many suspect was taken so the dominatrix can watch Netflix while working.

Opinion: Political Correctness is Ruining Bigotry

Posted on by Mike Moran

As we all know, “woke” culture has permeated nearly all facets of our American way of life, soaking through to the very fabric of our being, and our right to live free. It seems nothing is sacred anymore, not even the centuries-long tradition of judging, and condemning others based on their looking or acting differently than myself.

My grandfather was a great man who worked hard his whole life. He loved his family, his church, and a good old-fashioned racist joke every now and again. But when I try to honor his legacy nowadays, and break out the one about the “chinaman, the jewish, and the pants-wearing-woman, walking into a bar together,” I get stares of disapproval from the entire PTA.

It’s not just social interaction that is affected. Political correctness is silencing the serious discussions we need to have in this country, like how it’s totally weird how some dudes are attracted to other dudes. Or how young people are starting to dress outside of contemporary cultural fashion norms which dictate clothing styles arbitrarily associated with specific genders.

I mean, do you think George Washington or Jesus would have been caught wearing anything besides pants?

And don’t even get me started on immigrants. Listen, “native Americans” if you don’t like being called Indians, maybe you should go back to your own country. No one asked you to come here. I mean, it’s not like us white people came to India, and tried to force everyone to act the way we wanted.

We have to save America before it’s too late, people. If we don’t act now we could have an entire generation of citizens respecting one another without regard to race, gender, religion, or truck ownership.

It’s our right, nay our duty as proud, patriotic, Americans to fight political correctness like we fight the environment.I would like to think the founding fathers smile down on us true citizens, every time we use our freedom of speech to belittle an already marginalized minority, just like they intended.