Cancelled Band’s Tour Shirt Demoted to Pajamas

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEWTON, Mass. — A local man’s once beloved band tour shirt was unceremoniously demoted to being worn exclusively as pajamas after the group was declared cancelled by the general public, family members have confirmed.

“What the hell did I do to my owner to deserve this? I’ve been a conversation piece for over two decades, and just because people found out the lead singer DM’d some underage girls and the rest of the band knew, I have to be downgraded to sleepwear? If people can separate the art from the artist, surely we can do so for the merchandise as well,” said the shirt from its new permanent spot draped over an office chair. “I’m lucky if I even make it past the bathroom after his morning shits, on top of the humiliation of being in the jammies rotation with a Morrissey tank top. I yearn to be free!”

The shirt’s owner said his choices were either transitioning it to pajamas or throwing it away.

“Don’t get me wrong, I feel disgusted and betrayed by the band’s actions and will never support them again. But this shirt is from the first show I ever attended, so I figured the next best thing was to keep it around for wearing to bed or when I’m too lazy to put on fresh clothes in the house. I got some nasty looks last time I wore it out in public, so it was either this or the trash can,” said James Thomlinson. “I’ll wear it to sleep for a few months until it gets all stretched out and then cram it into the back of my closet where the moths can take care of it”

Second hand clothing stores have been struggling to find viable uses for shirts from problematic bands.

“We’ll take almost anything so long as it’s in good condition, but man these pop punk and emo tees are a hard sell and yet we’ve been flooded with them after all these bands have been outed as creeps. We’ve ‘rebranded’ them as dish rags and animal pee pads in order to make them more appealing, which seems to be working,” said Savers manager Diane Parsons. “You should see how many Brand New tees we’ve sold as reusable diapers. It’s our number one seller.”

As of press time, Thomlinson’s wife surprised him by incorporating the shirt into an upcycled blanket with the rest of his cancelled band tees.

JD Vance Sitting on Curb After Trump Forgets to Pick Him Up

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance was reportedly left sitting on the curb for several hours today after President Trump forgot to pick him up after a charity softball game, sources confirmed.

“There must have been some sort of DEI emergency at the White House, President Trump wouldn’t just forget about me…would he?” pouted Vice President Vance, sitting on the curb with his face in his hands. “No, no way, I’m an integral part of this administration, with various managerial tasks and assorted office duties—he always says I’m the MVP of getting coffee and donuts for everyone. I better wait here a little longer, he promised to take me to see Ted Nugent’s one man show at the Kennedy Center and I want to make sure he doesn’t think I bailed on him when he shows up looking for me.”

Secret Service Agent Lance Connelly reportedly had to console the Vice President for several hours while they waited for Air Force One to arrive.

“When the President didn’t show up, JD took it really hard—I mean I’ve never seen a Vice President cry this much, and I was there when Trump tried to have Mike Pence killed,” said Agent Connelly, wringing out his tear-soaked tie. “I sat with him for a few hours and let him play games on my phone before I faked a call saying the President got pulled away to nuke Iran. Honestly, I just didn’t have the heart to tell him that President Trump was already on the 14th hole at Mar-A-Lago.”

President Trump fielded questions from reporters after Air Force One finally arrived back in the Capitol.

“The fake news media are saying I forgot to pick up that crybaby JD Vance, which is false! I was just a little delayed and got him as soon as I was done with some very important business, but that didn’t stop JD from sobbing all the way home. I mean have you ever seen such a whiner, folks? No wonder his parents sold him for drugs when he was a kid,” said Trump, bouncing an empty Big Mac box off Vance’s head. “I tried to cheer him up by taking him to McDonald’s on the way back to the White House, but he embarrassed me by ordering a Filet-O-Fish with a carton of milk like a stray cat. Now my new upholstery from the beautiful people of Qatar smells like Ted Cruz’s ugly wife, no President in history has been treated so poorly by his Vice President!”

At press time, Trump was reportedly working with his lawyers to offload full custody of JD Vance to Peter Thiel.

What the Hell? This Guy Majored in English but Doesn’t Like the National

Posted on by Ben Friedman

It’s fair to say that since the beginning of recorded history, humanity has known the world follows some kind of natural order, like the food chain, the sun rising in the east, or glam rock becoming popular for like 2 months every ten years. No matter how we try to fight against it, the world imposes its natural law.

However, something (or in this case, someone) has threatened to throw everything we knew about the universe into complete chaos. Defying all logic, there exists a man who, despite holding a Bachelor’s in English, is not a fan of revered indie band The National.

What erudite, well-read human being wouldn’t be into a band with lyrics that so intricately explore the depth of human emotion? A guy who went to state school, apparently. 40-year-old Stuart Wilson missed the part of his undergraduate studies that explains how becoming an ardent lover of Matt Beringer’s lyrics and the band’s emotional melodies is a prerequisite.

“I really thought people either lied about liking them or just listened to them performatively, like when someone says they’ve read ‘Infinite Jest’ or ‘Ulysses’. And believe me, I’ve tried several times to get into them just to get my college buddies off my back. One time, I tried giving ‘Trouble Will Find Me’ another shot and only made it three songs in before I started dozing off and nearly struck a telephone pole. Was their entire discography underwritten by Ambien or something?”

It’s like he isn’t capable of feeling complex emotions! He probably felt nothing reading the ending of “A Farewell to Arms”, too, the sick bastard.

“Every album just sounds like a run-on sentence about being a sad dad. Listen, I mostly use the writing and literacy skills I honed in college to edit TV instruction manuals, so frankly, their whole act just comes off as a soundtrack for elitists who only drink wine at parties. I’m more of a Decemberists guy, so sue me! Am I having my degree rescinded or something?”

Wilson’s sentiments towards the acclaimed indie darlings are so bizarre and unnatural, they may rewrite how scholars perceive the human brain. On the other hand, we obtained his high school standardized test scores, and while he scored high on the English portion, his math scores reflected those of a child who ingested glue as a midday snack.

It could simply be that his brain is wired incorrectly. Here’s hoping, because if a man can get a degree in English without once pining for a girl a little too young for him while “Fake Empire” blares through his AirPods, the country truly is lost.

Coworker Going to Show You “Bluegrass Tribute to Metallica” Video Whether You Give a Shit or Not

Posted on by Chris Bowen

CORTLAND, N.Y. — Local forklift driver Kenny Avalon couldn’t resist the urge to show you a Facebook video of a bunch of guys playing Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” but with banjos, annoyed sources report.

“I’m always finding hilarious and cool videos that happen to come up on my algorithm, and when that occurs, it is my duty to shove my phone in your face and watch your pupils intently to make sure they’re dilating at the exact right moments,” Avalon stated while sitting at a completely empty break table. “It’s too bad no one ever sits on break with me too often, because I’ve found a badass video of a skeleton playing ‘Eruption’ by Van Halen, and now there’s no one here to experience it with me against their will. Oh well, I’ll just bookmark it and show them off after the next team meeting and when I can get a good angle to corner them.”

You, however, complained about Avalon’s persistent behavior.

“Too many times I’ve been sniped by Kenny with his stupid videos of little kids playing drums to AC/DC or of acoustic versions of Black Sabbath songs on TikTok, and I’m not sure how much more I can take,” you explained while peering over your shoulder to make sure Avalon wasn’t around. “I’ve gone so far as to straight up tell Kenny I’m not interested. The last few times I pretended not to know who he even was and he still won’t let up. 10 years of putting up with it is long enough. I have to find a new job.”

Many companies have experienced large numbers of harassment cases that stem from force-watching videos.

“The advent of cellphones and of targeted social media posts have contributed more to workplace discomfort than fake laughing and smiling when someone says, ‘living the dream,’” Human Resources Director Ashani Wilson said. “Now with AI proliferation, the frustrations have only gotten worse. I can’t tell you how many harassment complaints I’ve gotten over Gen-Xers flashing fake AI-generated videos of babies swearing at each other to whoever is in their general vicinity. It’s truly a plague on our workplace culture. These were the same types that, as children, would just have to show you the cool stick they found.”

At press time, Avalon frantically showed his coworker a video of a metal version of “Cotton-Eye Joe” while he was at a urinal in the restroom.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week That Apparently Weren’t Good Enough For The New THPS Soundtrack

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Now that the fireworks are over and you’ve had your fill of glizzies or whatever the hell we’re supposed to call them now, you’re probably wondering what to listen to while you attempt to reattach your fingers. Don’t worry, we have you covered. Here are six songs we listened to this week while wondering when we last felt even remotely proud of anything.

Wet Leg ‘Mangetout’

Wet Leg’s ‘Moisturizer’ – the highly anticipated follow-up to their self-titled debut – has finally been thrust upon the world. While you might not find anything as urgently catchy as ‘Chaise Lounge’ here, it’s still a hell of a second take and you should be grateful for anything that gets your sad ass dancing and feeling things again. Plus, your therapist recently told you to work on tempering your unrealistic expectations of others, so get to work, buddy.

TWRP ‘My Big Day Off’

It’s been over a year since TWRP released new music, which has been cause for concern considering the band typically releases about forty albums a month. Fortunately, the group is still alive and as well as any of us can be in these times. ‘My Big Day Off’ finds our half-robot half-humanoid friends crafting a lazy day anthem for the impending apocalypse. It revels in the minutia of free time as the world caves in around us all, and it might even make you attempt to dance.

Deftones ‘My Mind Is a Mountain’

In case your weird roommate who whispers to themselves all the time hasn’t told you, Deftones announced their 10th album, ‘Private Music.’ It’s an odd title for what we assume will be one of the most talked-about releases of the entire summer, but we’re guessing it’s probably a metaphor or something. Lead single ‘My Mind Is a Mountain’ has just about everything you’d want from a Deftones song, but we’re sure you’ll find a way to complain about it anyway.

Die Spitz ‘Throw Yourself to the Sword’

Recently it feels like there’s been a dire shortage of songs that make you feel like you spontaneously grew a mullet while shotgunning a whole six-pack at once, but fortunately there are bands like Die Spitz. ‘Throw Yourself to the Sword’ plays like the musical equivalent of a really bitchin’ snake tattoo. It will make you want to set off fireworks in your quiet neighborhood while simultaneously restoring a ‘79 Camaro. Press play and prepare to rip the sleeves off all your shirts.

Pig Pen ‘Heat Wave’

Finally, a song that encapsulates how goddamn cranky we’ve all been during this supposed ‘heat wave’ that will likely be rebranded as ‘just normal summer now’ in the not-too-distant future. Pig Pen’s ‘Heat Wave’ from their latest album, ‘Mental Madness,’ is a brutal racket that tends to lean closer to psychosis than your everyday run-of-the-mill ‘madness.’ We probably don’t need to tell you, but the whole album shreds too. Clocking in under 30 delightfully batshit minutes, even your non-existent attention span can handle it.

Goldfinger ft. Mark Hoppus ‘Freaking Out A Bit’

Despite being the entire reason for the franchise’s success, there is not a single Goldfinger song on the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3+4 Official Soundtrack. That would certainly have us ‘Freaking Out A Bit,’ which probably explains why the band decided to release a scathing diss track aimed at Hawk himself. Lyrics like ‘bet you can’t even kickflip anymore’ and ‘I’m learning how to do an 1800 to make your entire career irrelevant’ are sure to get under the legendary skater’s skin. We just hope Mark Hoppus doesn’t get caught in the crossfire.

Finally get your thumb put back on and want to hear some more? We figured that might be the case. That’s why we put together an entire playlist of everything we’ve pretended to listen to this year. It wasn’t easy, but someone had to do it. Check it out below:

Serial Killer Leaves Knife Hanging Over Side of Sink in Case He Wants to Kill Again Later

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

MOAB, Utah — Local sociopath and murder enthusiast Greg Allen Hargrove reportedly left his favorite blade casually hanging over the side of the sink Tuesday evening “just in case” he felt like treating himself to another killing spree later, confirmed sources.

“I dunno, I wasn’t really in the mood for another body, but you never know,” Hargrove said nonchalantly while scrolling through red room streams on the dark web. “I keep the knife there for convenience, you know? Like, ‘Hey, if something happens, I’ll be ready.’ If not, it’s no big deal. I’ll just clean it up tomorrow. Or whenever I get around to it.”

Hargove’s roommate of five months, Tim Bradford, expressed frustration of the brutal serial killer’s laziness and slovenly lifestyle, seemingly unaware or indifferent to Hargrove’s murderous extracurricular activities.

“Hey, man. To each his own. As long as you pay your rent on time, I don’t care if you throw parties, have friends over, or even if there’s muffled screams emanating from his bedroom at all hours of the night. But when you start leaving dirty dishes and knives around, we have a problem,” explained Bradford. “Like, what if I’m having a girl over and then she freaks out because Hargrove left a femur in the bathtub? I guess he must have a dog somewhere and that’s why he’s got the bones? Again, I don’t care. Just clean your shit.”

Renowned FBI profiler Dr. Sandra Laxley points out that Hargrove’s laziness nearly disqualifies him from being labeled a serial killer.

“I’ve studied hundreds of serial killers, and most of them are perfectionists, fixating on their victim’s last moments and making sure to cover their tracks,” Dr. Laxley explained. “But Greg? Greg is something different. He’s like the guy who shows up at the gym, but instead of working out, he just texts on his phone for an hour. He’s there, but he’s not really doing the work. As an FBI profiler that does this stuff for a living, I can’t help but think his attitude is really disrespectful.”

At press time, Hargrove was lazily chopping up a body in his bedroom while eating a sandwich and watching an episode of “The Office.”

Why the “Don’t Tread On Me” Bumper Sticker on My Car Means I Don’t Have to Use My Turn Signal

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Move over, cuck! You’re wrong for assuming you’d receive the same courtesy you show to others, because around here, I run the road. I don’t know how they taught you to drive up in Woke Groomer Vermont or wherever it is you’re from, but down here in Western Pennsylvania, those of us who actually show our love for our country on our bumpers are exempt from using their turn signals. Get used to it.

As you very well should already know, turn signals are just another form of governmental oppression, like masks, vaccines, and condoms, and I’ve done just fine without those. Sure, there was that brief two-week stint I spent in intensive care after I went to that amazing Great White concert during a COVID surge, but I think I was just tired. Well, tired and struggling to breathe. We don’t need to get into it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did you not see my bumper sticker on my excessively modified Ford F-150? “Don’t Tread On Me” also refers to horn beeps and middle fingers, there, pal, so you’d better be careful. This decal of 6 guns with the words “My Family” on my back window isn’t a feint. Not only am I fully prepared to escalate this situation far beyond what is reasonable, but I am chomping at the bit to do so. Also, I never started a family.

All I did was swerve suddenly into your lane without any warning or indication. It’s not like I did something truly obnoxious like tailgate you excessively or throw empty cans of Monster Energy at the back of your car. I did that to the guy in front of me, and I don’t see him bitching about my driving.

Well, true, he very well may be bitching about my driving from the ditch I ran his car into, but that’s beside the point.

I digress. There’s just no getting through to you libs, so I don’t even know why I bother. Go ahead and use your woke-ass turn signal to your heart’s content. I don’t care. We patriots will continue making the country run, so go ahead to your drag story hour or art history class or whatever. I would say I’m sorry I violated your precious little traffic laws, but you and I both know that would be total bullshit.

Metalhead Carefully Considers Answer For Doctor’s “How Many Drinks Per Week” Question That Won’t Send Him To Rehab But Won’t Make Him Look Like A Loser

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

DENVER — Local metalhead Nick Landon, 35, carefully considered his answer after his primary care physician asked him how many alcoholic drinks he consumes in an average week, confirmed sources in their Jungle Rot boxers on the exam table.

“I began calculating a number that wouldn’t result in me being admitted or, worse, my doctor thinking I’m some loser who just drinks water like some kind of Stryper fan. If I say five, I sound like I have no friends,” Landon whispered to a nurse, eyes darting to a poster about liver health. “But if I tell him the truth—which is probably case, case-and-a-half depending on band practice and whether AEW has a PLE on—I’m gonna find myself forced to talk to a guy named Chad who wants to speak to me about my ‘journey.’ And not Steve Perry’s Journey. So I said 7, maybe 10, I just left out that was per day.”

Dr. Veda Narayanan, who reportedly kept a neutral expression throughout the exam, later told colleagues that she knew Landon’s answer was “distorted” based on the patient’s blood work alone.

“Let’s just say his blood actually smelled like Jägermeister. I’ve seen livers in worse shape, but they were in corpses I dissected in medical school,” Narayanan said, flipping through AA pamphlets. “And this is on top of all the other medical issues he has from not having seen a doctor since his last high school vaccination.

Sociocultural addiction specialist Dr. Amelia Roach explained that this is a common issue with aging metalheads.

“It’s a tightrope. Metalheads in their mid-to-late 30s, still wearing battle vests with patches for bands from before 1997, often have to strike a precarious balance between life and living,” Roach explained. “They don’t want people to be embarrassed to be seen at Maryland Deathfest with them because last year they passed out in the Port-O-Toilet but they also don’t want to be seen as a wet blanket.”

After the check-up, Landon announced he’d be making some changes to his lifestyle. Specifically, he plans to cut back and drink Jack and Diet Cokes from now on.

Gene Simmons Charging Fans $12,500 to Change Colostomy Bag

Posted on by Rob Ryder

LOS ANGELES — KISS bassist and singer Gene Simmons is reportedly charging fans $12,500 for the opportunity to change the God of Thunder’s colostomy bag, disgusted yet intrigued rock fans reported.

“I came up with the idea last time I changed a bag. I tossed the filth-ridden sack of excrement in the trash and thought to myself, that’s gotta be worth something,” said Simmons while signing off on designs for KISS-branded HVAC filters. “The demand for KISS is at an all-time high and this colostomy package is really an amazing opportunity. You get to assist in removing the bag, cleaning the port, and wiping up any excess that gets on the floor. All that for $12,500, and they get to keep the bag! And for an extra thousand bucks, you can watch Ace Frehley get a colonoscopy.”

Dale Martin, a KISS fan since 1981, purchased the colostomy package without fully understanding what he was getting himself into.

“I was on the KISS merch site bidding on a stage-used Les Paul from the Love Gun Tour and just before the auction closed some fucking billionaire outbid me,” said Martin while looking for a frame that complemented his new KISS colostomy bag. “I kinda panicked and just clicked the ‘buy it now’ button on the next item without really checking what it was. It wasn’t exactly my first choice, but ultimately the whole experience was pretty satisfying. Gene didn’t really look at me, but he did make an affirmative grunting sound when I asked him if I needed to pull harder to get the bag off.”

George Frederick, owner of Frederick Medical Supply in North Hollywood, said rock stars have been some of his best customers, but Simmons was someone special.

“You never forget a guy like Gene, he came in my store when the bags his doctor gave him weren’t meeting the KISS standard,” said Frederick while packaging up a shipment of insulin and Valtrex for the upcoming Poison tour. “I can’t blame him really, he wanted the best, and he got the best…the ActiveLife closed-end pre-lubricated colostomy bag, the kind of product KISS fans have come to expect. I’ve sold supplies to all the big named rockers. Billy Idol’s cane, Ozzy’s neck brace, not to mention I’ve kept the Chili Peppers in adult diapers since 1986. But knowing this bag will serve the Demon himself then adorn some lucky fan’s wall is really special.”

At press time, bids on Paul Stanley’s original hip had reached $3,500.

Oh, You’re a Sabaton Fan? Name Three Victories for the Central Powers During World War I

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

Hey, you with the Sabaton shirt and the over-manicured facial hair that’d make Tony Stark scoff. A power metal fan, huh? Power metal’s for people who live in a fantasy world — just like Wilhelm II during World War I, who laughably thought the Central Powers were still gonna beat the Allies once the United States joined.

Speaking of: if you like Sabaton, then you should be able to name three victories that the Central Powers had during the First World War.

Go ahead. Germany ’n company won plenty of battles, so this should be simple. After all, Germany spent a good chunk of the Twentieth Century seeing their neighbors as enemies and showing hostility towards them. Cops are forced to do the same thing in order to keep the peace. That’s probably why Sabaton’s vocalist “Jocke” Brodén wears aviators and a wannabe flak jacket. He plays dress-up because he, like his fans, lives in a make-believe world with the veneer of authority, just like Sweden’s neutrality during the war.

Anyhow, name some Central Powers victories.

The German spring offensive? That’s cheating, since that was a series of battles. Actually, German Spring Offensive would be a good name for a power metal band. Certainly better than “Sabaton.” What happened to Swedish metal bands with kick-ass names like In Flames and Dissection? Sabaton sounds like the shitbox you’re forced to drive to work because a ’97 Geo Metro was outta your price range.

The Battle of the Somme? I dunno about that. All Germany did was stop Allied advancement. So, really, it was less a victory than a not-defeat, like that time I helped in a soup kitchen and only half of those served got food poisoning. Sue me for not knowing you cook the chicken before it goes in the soup.

The Battle of Mons? Yeah, I guess. Germany did force a British retreat, but that’s partly because of the French cutting and running. Man, they really screwed over the Brits on that one. Makes sense though: France’s cowardice in Dubya Dubya One was just a dry run for them folding like a lawn chair in Dubya Dubya Two.

At least the French signed the Treaty of Versailles, unlike one country I could name.