Hardcore Kid Who Doesn’t Participate in Gym Class Most Athletic Student in School

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

EVANSVILLE, Ind. — Local hardcore kid Jackson Gattis is reportedly the most athletic student at his school despite his complete lack of participation in gym class, confirmed sources.

“Jackson is like half frontman, half acrobat, half D student, half backflip machine. But with sick pen-drawn tattoos all over it,” said bandmate Spencer McQueen. “Every time we play a parking lot gig, there’s basically two shows. There’s the music, and there’s Jackson flipping from car hood to car hood like he’s Simone Biles. I mean you should see him in gym class, when he puts his whole body through the basketball hoop like Guy Picciotto. He could probably do some cool windmill dunks or whatever, but that would mean participating in gym. Which is against everything we stand for as a band.”

And while some are inspired by Gattis’ lack of gym class fervor, others see wasted potential.

“I just wish he’d put as much effort into the activities as he did ‘Naruto-running’ along the matted walls of the gym,” said Rick Scarborough, Gattis’ gym coach. “As a small, rural community, we don’t see athletes of Jackson’s caliber very often, so it’s tough watching that much Lebron James-esque talent go to waste. I mean, I’ll admit, the triple-spin karate kicks he and his burnout buddies do in the corner are pretty badass, but I wish the kid would go out for track. Or at least play capture the flag.”

Gattis’ supposed “wasted talent” is attracting international attention however.

“Athletes like Jackson who express their athletic prowess in, let’s say, non-traditional ways are exactly who we’re trying to honor with our new sports,” said International Olympic Committee spokesperson Claire Newton. “We’ve added skateboarding and breakdancing to the Olympics in recent years, and I’m happy to announce we’re also strongly considering hardcore dancing, thanks to intrepid athletes like Jackson. Some would call these rad new sports a desperate attempt for ratings. I’d like to call those people nerds.”

At press time, Gattis’ parents signed him up for football so he could avoid failing gym, where he went on to score three touchdowns and kicked a 48-yard field goal in his first game without breaking a sweat.

Children Starving in Gaza Wish Trump Would Use Them to Distract from Epstein Scandal

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

GAZA CITY — Malnourished children living in increasingly dire conditions in Gaza expressed disappointment Monday that President Donald Trump has yet to exploit their suffering as a distraction from the wave of Epstein-related allegations plaguing his administration, embedded journalists report.

“Seriously, he’s bringing up Obama in 2025? We are literally right here being starved to death by the IDF and he’s out here talking about the 2016 election, which he fucking won. He should be posting videos of our skeletal bodies everywhere like keys being jingled to distract a baby,” said 11-year-old Khaled Hassan, whose entire family was killed at a food distribution point. “Like, this is like prime distraction territory, people love pretending to care about starving children in foreign countries. I would give anything for a 3 a.m. all-caps rant on Truth Social. At least then CNN might actually talk about us.”

Trump responded swiftly when pressed about the Israeli government’s ongoing war crimes against Palestinians.

“No one cares about those kids. I care about American babies, big, beautiful, healthy American babies, who’ve been lied to their entire lives by Barack Hussein Obama,” shouted Trump while throwing old scrapbooks into the White House fireplace. “That foreign-born, radical left socialist Obama committed treason by working with Russia to rig the 2016 election. That was a beautiful perfect election that I won in a landslide, everyone I’ve ever met say they voted for me in 2016. Skinny people, tall people, fat people, some of the fattest people you’ve ever met. So fat they can barely walk, they all voted for me. But Obama and his cronies used Hunter Biden’s laptop to hack into Dominion Voting Systems to change votes to Hillary Clinton, wife of noted Epstein pal Bill Clinton. They are real creeps. I never met that Epstein guy, but the Clintons loved him. Despite their efforts, which were vast and supported by the liberal media, I unhacked the systems to change the votes back to my name in order to protect chubby-cheeked American babies from critical race theory.”

Political analyst Rachel Palmer expressed surprise at Trump’s strategy of not taking advantage of a proven political tactic.

“Frankly, I don’t understand it. Somalia, Serbia, Syria. There’s a rich tradition of politicians frantically pointing to international tragedies involving children to distract from their own scandals,” Palmer said. “Nixon did it, the Bush family popularized it, and Clinton perfected it. Yet Trump is inexplicably blowing a perfect Epstein deflection opportunity by rehashing old conspiracy theories that lost him the election in 2020. This is amateur hour. AIPAC must be driving dump trucks full of money to Mar-a-Lago to keep him quiet about this.”

At press time, Trump again missed his opportunity for transparency, opting instead to release all files relating to the assassination of William McKinley.

Sharon Osbourne Says Ozzy Still Has 10–20 Good Shows Left in Him

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — Sharon Osbourne believes that her recently deceased husband Ozzy Osbourne still has enough juice in the tank to keep touring and performing for at least another year, disgusted sources confirmed.

“The man has performed with disease, a broken spine, nerve damage, partial vocal paralysis, and what I’m pretty sure was a demon possession,” said Osbourne with the stiff corpse of her husband propped beside her. “Compared to that, death is really just another logistical hurdle. I can work with this. It’s the ‘Diary of a Dead Man’ tour and we are going to do gigs at festivals, county fairs, and comic-cons. The man has an entire untalented family’s careers to support, he can’t stop now and he won’t.”

Others in Ozzy’s circle are upset by Sharon’s actions and feel Ozzy deserves to finally rest in peace.

“The last three tours were already 80% animatronic with a whole winch system we bought off that Spider-Man musical to keep Ozzy mobile,” longtime road manager Kevin Doyle explained while blocking Sharon’s phone calls. “The man paid his dues and it is time to let sleeping dogs lie. I know she is going to find some way to profit off of his death, but making his corpse continue to tour is not the way. I’ll be honest, with everything he has done to his body decomposition is going to set in fast. Can’t she just act like other dead musician’s families and release an AI remix of Ozzy’s dueting ‘Close My Eyes Forever’ with Dua Lipa or some shit?”

While Sharon is notorious for profiting off of an ailing Ozzy, this is nothing new in the music industry.

“Exploiting dead musicians is practically its own genre at this point. From posthumous album releases to hologram tours, there’s a long, proud tradition of wringing one last dollar out of someone who can no longer say no,” said music historian Naomi Stevens, author of The Business of a Dead Beat. “If a performer dies and the family doesn’t make a buck from it, did they ever really die? Not many people know this but Elvis actually died in 1972 and ‘Aloha from Hawaii’ was performed with the help of The Jim Henson Company.”

Due to backlash from the announcement, Sharon stated that all proceeds from the tour will go to the mysterious Osbourne Family Foundation charity.

Millennial Woman Who Starts and Ends Each Day With 3 Hours of Screen Time Really Into Mindfulness, Self-Care

Posted on by Kal Perry

LOS ANGELES — Local 34-year-old Meris Johnson reportedly stares at her phone for hours at a time in the morning and evening despite constantly championing her mindfulness and self-care routine, confirmed sources.

“I didn’t want to get to the end of my life and realize that I never really lived, you know? I think Taylor Swift came up with that,” mused Johnson from her studio in Atwater Village. “I came to the conclusion at the start of the year that I just needed to be living more intentionally. So instead of going back and forth between apps on my phone all day long, I now stick to one for a few hours at a time at the beginning and end of each day. Yes, sometimes you do have to trudge through some unsavory beheading and/or domestic terrorism videos before you get to the really emotionally grounding content, but it is always worth it.”

Friends and family of Meris are a little split on the outcomes of her “wellness era regimen.”

“For someone so well-adjusted and grounded, it does seem like she gets into online screaming matches with random people kind of a lot,” commented friend and roommate Chelsea Tipton. “But I guess the arguing and the daily manic crying are just all part of the process, because she always posts about her wellness journey in between inspirational quotes with nature backgrounds. Please do not tell her that I suggested otherwise. I’m slightly afraid she might slash my tires.”

Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Sarah Highland provided insight on how she has been able to retain Meris as a client for longer than one month, as several therapists before her had failed to do so.

“Sessions were contentious at first for sure. She didn’t respond very well to any sort of pushback on her time allocation habits,” said Highland. “I learned over time that our therapeutic relationship was best served by affirming that her social media consumption was actually a form of self-care. This idea is backed by data. You don’t need to fact check that. It’s scientifically proven that the more time you spend online, the more susceptible you are to health and wellness content despite rotting on your couch for hours at a time.”

At press time, Johnson started a comprehensive skincare routine despite refusing to wear sunscreen.

In Light of Stephen Colbert’s Politically Motivated Cancellation I’m Taking a Stand and Unsubscribing From Paramount Plus as Soon as “Dexter: Resurrection” Wraps up and I Watch “Pet Semetary 2” and a Couple Other Movies

Posted on by Dan Rice

For those of you not aware, CBS has just cancelled “The Late Show” a show that has been one of the most-watched late night shows since it first aired 32 years ago. The network claims this is a “financial decision,” to which I say BULLSHIT! That would be like Coke saying they aren’t going to make Coke anymore because they can’t compete with RC cola.

We all know the real reason “The Late Show” is being taken off the air is because of how critical host Stephen Colbert has been of the Trump administration. This is an extension of the same cowardly boot-licking CBS displayed when it settled out of court over Trump’s bogus Kamala edit lawsuit, a case they could have easily won if they had anything resembling a spine. Well I for one will not stand for such cowardly bootlicking! I’m proud to announce that I will be canceling my subscription to Paramount Plus just as soon as the new season of Dexter ends!

Have you seen “Dexter?” It’s a show about a serial killer who only kills other killers. I know it sounds a little tacky but it’s actually good! Well, it starts good, then it gets super tacky, but then that like kind of becomes part of the charm? Anyway, much like Dexter, I’ll keep my Paramount subscription alive long enough to serve my needs and then as soon as I get what I want it’s going right on my table, because FUCK AUTHORITARIANISM!

Obviously I want to take action immediately, but I’m already three episodes in on “Dexter: Resurrection,” and I would really hate to not finish it. It’s not great, but “Dexter: Original Sin” was surprisingly good, so I feel like they might stick the landing better than they did with “Dexter: New Blood.” But yeah once I get real closure on this Dexter/Harrison story line I am taking a stand against tyranny and pulling the plug on Paramount Plus, permanently!

Well, okay actually, I’m looking at my queue and there are a lot of movies here I still really wanna watch. I’m deleting all the ones that are available on other streaming services, but it’s still a lot of movies. “Pet Semetary 2?” Damn, I haven’t seen that since I was a kid. If I remember correctly, it’s not as good of a movie as the original “Pet Semetary,” but it’s more fun in a schlocky way? So yeah, I’m gonna finish Dexter, see if my take on “Pet Semetary 2” holds up, watch a couple dozen other movies not currently available on other platforms, and then it’s by by to the bootlickers over at Paramount!

Oh fuck they have “Smile 2?” I mean, I thought “Smile” was overrated, but I heard the sequel really blows it out of the water. Alright, I’ll add it to the que. But that’s IT.

Oh shit, they have all three Naked Gun movies in 4k?! I mean I’ve seen them all a hundred times, but not in 4k! I bet the higher resolution really makes the sight gags pop! Ugh… okay, three more movies, that makes about 26 movies and the rest of this season of Dexter and then I am DONE! Oh, “Airplane” in 4k too? Well, obviously that’s going on there. Oh, and the sequel.

Shit, I just remembered they’re doing another season of “Dexter: Original Sin.” Did I mention the first season was surprisingly good? I mean, I didn’t think I could buy anyone besides James Remar as Harry Morgan, but damn if Christian Slater doesn’t give him a run for his money! No release date on that yet, huh? Ugh, no fuck it, I can’t keep putting this off! I’ll just finish Resurrection and a couple dozen movies I got queued up, pull the plug, wait for Original Sin season 2 to wrap up, then get a free trial and binge it and then pull the plug again!

Okay, maybe I’ll check out “Yellowstone” first. Fuck.

GWAR Concert Goes Viral After CEO of Tech Start Up Caught Having Affair on Analingus Cam

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BOSTON — Viral footage from GWAR’s popular Analingus Cam supposedly shows a tech CEO engaged in a lewd sexual act with his mistress, multiple people in desperate need of a fun distraction confirmed.

“We had just sprayed the crowd with gallons of alien cum and everyone was whipped into a frenzy. We cut to the Analingus Cam and a few couples were going at it, having a fun time slurping a butt, and having their butt slurped. Then we cut to this one couple and the entire mood changed,” said Blöthar the Berserker. “There he was, tongue so deep inside her that I’m pretty sure he was licking the back of her eyeballs. That’s when he realized the camera was on him. He dove off screen and I said something like ‘Nobody licks their wife’s asshole that clean, he’s either having an affair or he’s a scumdog whose appetite for ass knows no bounds.’ The clip really took off, my grandmother High Priestess Ejaculah even shared it on Facebook.”

Internet sleuths quickly identified the man as Kenneth Baines, the CEO of the tech start up Golaxiar.

“Kenneth Baines is 52-years-old, he has two children. A 17-year-old boy who goes to Washington High School named Asher, and a 19-year-old daughter who is going to school at Northwestern. His wife of 21 years, and we can assume soon to be ex-wife, is Emily Baines, and she is not the woman whose ass was being absolutely devoured,” said amateur detective Lonnie Wilson. “The woman in the video is Golaxiar CFO Linda Olsen. She is also married with one adult child. I was able to hack their work email and found multiple pornographic photos they have sent to each other which I have already posted on Reddit.”

The Golaxiar CEO admits this was an embarrassing mistake and hopes to move on.

“I want to apologize to my wife, my children, my entire family, and the employees at Golaxiar who trust me. I had a major lapse in judgement. I was trying to enjoy a private moment with a work colleague, and things went too far,” said Baines. “But what does this say about our society? Where two consenting adults cannot even enjoy mutual anal satisfaction without it being broadcast across a Jumbotron and plastered on social media. We should all be ashamed. This is a societal problem, GWAR shows should be a safe space for ass eating, and this is making a mockery of a beautiful sexual act.”

At press time,Tech CEOs began forwarding a new memo with best practices on how to properly cheat on your wife without ever getting caught.

Rock and Roll Lifestyle Finally Catches Up To Ozzy Osbourne, 76

Posted on by Michael Roets, Jr.

LOS ANGELES — Decades of hard partying and wild nights finally caught up to legendary metal musician Ozzy Osbourne who died at the young age of 76 earlier today, familial sources confirmed.

“It’s time to say goodbye to one of the most influential musicians of all time. It’s always sad when a musician is struck down in their prime. He was fresh off an amazing performance with Black Sabbath that was seen live by over 42,000 screaming fans, not to mention all the people who livestreamed it at home. We hoped Ozzy would be with us for another five to six decades, but it wasn’t meant to be. I just hope the devil is ready to party,” said a representative for the family. “We are all familiar with the 27 Club, a collection of musicians who died too soon, and now Ozzy is part of the 76 Club, which is just as noteworthy and tragic given the advances in modern medicine.”

Fans across the globe expressed their sorrow over the musician’s passing.

“I just never saw it coming. Ozzy seemed so young and spry, so full of life. It’s just tragic to see him cut down like this. But I know he’s in a better place now, probably doing shots with Lemmy and then following that up with like a speedball or something before staying up for nine days straight and snorting a line of ants,” said longtime Black Sabbath superfan Clint Howell. “It makes me want to start taking better care of myself. I’m going to start drinking at least one glass of water a week, and telling the bartender to put more ice cubes in my drink so I can stay hydrated.”

At press time, Sharon Osbourne was planning a final world tour to display Ozzy’s body with tickets going for $175 each.

New MLK Jr. Files Show the Civil Rights Leader Considered President Trump A Close Personal Friend With No Ties to Jeffrey Epstein

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — The Trump administration ordered a trove of new documents related to the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr., which contains new information about Trump’s personal influence on the civil rights leader, sources close to Trump confirmed.

“Martin Luther King Jr. was a great man, I called him Marty, all his friends called him Marty, I’d say stuff to him like ‘Marty, you would look great with a mustache.’ I was actually the guy who gave him the idea to march in Selma, and I actually explained to him how racism worked. We hung out all the time, we were basically inseparable for years, so I never had time to meet that creep Jeffrey Epstein,” said Trump. “Those photos you see of me with Epstein are all part of an elaborate hoax cooked up by radical leftist lunatics like Joe Biden. There is plenty of evidence that Biden used Photoshop to doctor those photos, it’s sad that people believe it. But in the words of my good pal, my favorite Black guy, MLK ‘I have a dream, and that’s for everyone to stop talking about Epstein, because Donald Trump doesn’t know the guy.’ Beautiful words, more important now than ever.”

Trump supporters were thankful for the release of these new documents.

“The Deep State goons were afraid of MLK and Trump’s friendship. Right here on page one of the report it talks about how Trump would play basketball with MLK three to four times a day, and how Trump would never lose, and would get 75 rebounds,” said MAGA diehard Danny Sullivan. “What I found most fascinating was the transcripts of the secret government recordings in MLK’s home. There is one point where he is talking with Coretta Scott King about how Trump never wrote any birthday card to Jeffrey Epstein. Clearly we were never meant to see this, and I just wonder how the liberal media is going to spin this to make Trump look bad.”

Skeptics pointed out multiple factual errors in the new report.

“Nothing in the timeline makes sense. There is no credible evidence that President Trump and Reverend King ever met. Not to mention, Jeffrey Epstein would have been 15 years old when Reverend King was assassinated. The country’s most popular civil rights leader simply wouldn’t be talking about a high school sophomore,” said historian Amy Luy Lim. “There is even a part of this report that claims Trump convinced MLK Jr. to accept Jesus Christ as his lord and savior. It says Trump was doing charity work in Alabama when he met a young atheist named Martin, and Trump read to him from the Bible every night until Reverend King decided to become a minister.”

At press time, the Trump administration plans to reveal a new batch of documents about the JFK assassination that will prove Trump never had an affair with adult film star Stormy Daniels and paid hush money during the 2016 election cycle.

Punk Guitarist Gets Pre-Denial Offer From Credit Card Company

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — Baxter Lenin, guitarist for Ketamine Chainsaw, recently received a “pre-denial offer” in the mail from Capital One, confirmed sources.

“My first thought after getting that offer letter in the mail was, ‘How the fuck do I even have mail?’ I live in a van with our drummer and a squirrel,” Lenin said during a break from chalking “This Machine Kills Fascists” on the side of a Planned Parenthood. “I’m not even quite sure how my credit can be that bad if I don’t have a Social Security number or a legal name in 11 states. I mean, fuck credit scores. I don’t even have a savings account, unless you count the loose change I store in the center console’s cup holder.”

A representative from Capital One provided some much needed insight on the pre-denial offer.

“Let’s just say someone like Mr. Lenin demonstrated a lifestyle so un-monetizable that it alerted our credit monitoring department,” said Dee Webster, media relations manager. “For example, taking an absolute—pardon me—dogshit bass guitar from the free box at a garage sale in northeast Minneapolis, and stringing it with four regular E strings obtained via swindle so as to—and I quote—‘fuck up the tone some more’ and ‘tune this bitch in one-sixth of the time.’ This is someone who co-signed for a car loan using the Social Security number from that LifeLock commercial. This person doesn’t have a passport but is permanently banned from Canadian Tire. Canadian Tire! If someone like that willingly or accidentally opened a line of credit with us, it could crash the entire financial system. We took proactive measures.”

Professor Fin Gabriel, chair of the Predatory Economics Department at the University of Minnesota, wasn’t surprised about Capital One’s unusual credit practice.

“Mr. Lenin’s case demonstrates evolving credit models that meet consumers where they’re at, which in this case is a van,” Gabriel said. “Traditional credit cards turned into Buy Now, Pay Later—BNPL—which became Buy Now, Pay Way Later, or BNPWL. Mr. Lenin falls into the newest model, BNFU—Buy Never, Fuck You—which offers pre-denials with special introductory interest rates. By this time, he should be receiving a post-denial offer just to confirm he doesn’t deserve a life of personal credit card debt.”

As of press time, Lenin reportedly used the offer letter to light a cigarette clenched in his butt cheeks at a Ketamine Chainsaw show, and now owes Capital One $179 plus 0% interest for the first six months.

Five Tips for Practicing Mindfulness as the Mushroom Cloud Grows in the Distance

Posted on by Ben Friedman

It’s no secret that modern life can be profoundly anxiety-inducing. From the rising cost of living to maintaining relationships, one can easily forget how to find their center and practice self-care. But those problems were from ten minutes ago, before the mushroom cloud from the first of many nuclear explosions began growing in the distance. Worry not, though, there’s still time to practice mindfulness and achieve inner peace to offset the fact that you’re going to be reduced to ashes in a few minutes.

Stay Fucking Calm
The first thing you should do, and quickly, is find a relaxing activity. Don’t stress too much about how generations of capitalists had pillaged the working class to fund their wars, or even how easily preventable nuclear Armageddon should’ve been. Find a quiet spot in your house (preferably the basement) and knock out a puzzle. Yoga will also help calm your mind and distract from the air raid sirens.

I Scream, You Scream
If there was ever a time for a sweet treat, it’s now. Pop on down to the store and make the most of your last moments on this mortal plane with a delectable ice cream sandwich or a slice of Devil’s food cake. And due to the fact that the rule of law no longer applies, you can loot and grab however many you like! Side note, you should eat it quickly because it’s going to melt fast.

Talk it Out
Remember that podcast you’ve always wanted to start and never got around to doing? Well, there’s no time like the present, and never mind the fact you have nothing interesting to say. If you survive the initial blast, you won’t want to spend the rest of your days trudging through the wasteland wishing you shared your opinions on pop culture. You could probably score a sponsorship from Mint Mobile too, bombs be damned.

To Whom It May Concern
You will undoubtedly have a lot of negative thoughts as you stare down oblivion. Take some time to release those emotions by journaling, which will not only help you release your stress but educate the bands of raiders about a pivotal moment in human history as they pick through the remains of your home. Will you condemn the warmongering, narcissistic leaders of the warring nations over their nuclear duck measuring contest, or reflect upon your dog’s birthday, which happens to be code for your ammo-filled lockbox?

Cum Armageddon
If all else fails, jerk off. Perhaps a bit of post-nut clarity will help you realize our mutual self-destruction was inevitable. Plus, it’ll be a hilarious way to die. Ever see that fossilized masturbating guy from Pompeii? What a fucking legend. You’ll give the future master race of mutant-human hybrids something to laugh about when you find yourself fossilized, hand in crotch. And if anyone needs a moment of catharsis, it’ll be them.