Band Not Cool Being Associated With Genre They Sound Exactly Like

Posted on by Mark Shady

COOS BAY, Ore. — Members of Shivtank made it perfectly clear that they were absolutely not cool being associated with the nu metal genre despite sounding exactly like it, confirmed sources.

“I think it’s easy to hear our down-tuned Ibanez guitars, our MC’s lyrics, and the fact that half of our band consists of former members of Coal Chamber, and pigeonhole us into quote, unquote, ‘nu metal,’” began bassist Mo Jacobsen. “But you have to remember, a lot of what our rhyming vocalist does is called ‘scatting,’ which is strongly influenced by and finds its roots in jazz. You can hear many examples of this in our new one, ‘Blood Blister,’ which we’re gonna play tonight to all seven people that are here.”

Music blogger and lifelong listener Blake Soderstrom expressed his concern that his past judgements about the band were misconstrued.

“When I wrote that Shiv sounded like a perfect mesh of Korn, meets Papa Roach, meets early Linkin Park, meets SA Martinez if he were a crying baby, meets a 13-year-old boy going through puberty, to me that means an entirely new kind of metal. A new metal, if you will,” stressed Soderstrom. “It doesn’t necessarily mean nu metal, but yeah, they’re nu metal. I even catch them wearing JNCOs and chain wallets from time to time. Let’s be real, no one is mistaking you for being in an indie folk band with that kind of fashion.”

Music historian Art Kimmel noted how surprisingly common this phenomenon was.

“It’s easy to look at these guys in full Adidas track suits, while their drummer sports a Chewbacca mask onstage and label them as ‘delusional,’” stated Kimmel. “But the truth is, this happens all the time. The worst case I’ve seen of Genre Derangement Syndrome, or GDS, was an emo band named The American Anthemists. Their lead singer hit higher notes than Brendon Urie and their monster popular hit was titled, ‘I’m Actually Glad You Pissed The Carny Off And We’re Stuck on This Perpetual Ferris Wheel Because I’ve Never Seen Your Hair Blow From This Height.’ And these guys were convinced they weren’t emo. We finally talked them down but it took a whole lot of depression meds and letting them write an entire album about the experience.”

At press time, the band tried to prove one last time that they weren’t nu metal by releasing a heavier cover version of George Michael’s “Faith.”

Israeli Settlers Wondering if America Could Send Some of Those Smallpox Blankets They Used When Stealing Land From Native Americans

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NABLUS, Palestine — Israeli settlers who are illegally stealing land from Palestinians in the occupied West Bank are urging U.S. lawmakers to ship any smallpox-infected blankets they have in storage to them immediately, sources confirmed.

“You can learn a lot about how to dehumanize and exterminate people by looking at the recent history of the United States. They did an excellent job at eliminating entire populations, and then corralling anyone left into undesirable land with no natural resources,” said Israeli settler Lavi Edri. “We don’t even need a lot of the smallpox blankets. We just need a few boxes. The people here have no immune defense against the virus, so it should tear right through them. Then my family and I can move right into their house. It’s so simple. We will just have to burn some of their belongings in the street out front, but that’s easy.”

Palestinians fighting against Israeli occupation worry that the requests of the settlers might be met.

“Governments around the world are sitting on their hands doing nothing as Israel starves an entire nation in front of their eyes, so why wouldn’t they offer a cheap and effective way to kill us? I know biological warfare is against the Geneva Convention, but they have no problem violating those terms,” said Mohmmaed Al Najjar. “Maybe we will get lucky, maybe those blankets aren’t as effective 250 years later. But they would probably spray them with some new super strain of the virus anyway. Shit.”

Benjamin Netanyahu encouraged President Trump to send the blankets with the next delivery of artillery.

“As much as we love American bombs killing Palestinians, we also love American diseases killing them. Please President Trump, use your giant brain and send us all the smallpox you can. Spray it on American flags and we will distribute them to all Palestinians living on occupied land so they can know how dominant America is,” said the Prime Minister. “We cannot wait to have our own Trail of Tears which we will call the Trail of Triumph for all the people of Israel. Our brave settlers will be able to watch people march to their own death and it will be a great honor to have America leading the way.”

At press time, RFK Jr. was seen personally ingesting the last few smallpox cultures being stored at the CDC.

“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction

Posted on by Rachel Hein

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where the betrothed puts their romantic tales into a narrative format, left some scratching their heads and others hungry for more, confirmed sources.

“I remember it all a bit differently,” maid-of-honor Beth Boswell recalled upon reading her best friend Emma Stonewell’s “Our Story” page. “Right there in the beginning, the passage reads, ‘It began on a spring day on the lawn at Vanderbilt. The harsh bitterness of winter was thawing by the second, and with it also thawed Emma’s precarious heart as she watched Mitchell dive to catch a frisbee across the lawn.’ Yeah, this did not happen. I’m telling you. Emma was actually obsessed with this hockey guy at the time, Rick. He was 26, but still a Junior. She was getting railed by Rick every night, definitely not watching Mitchell’s ultimate games. This belongs in Simon and Schuster’s catalog, not this website.”

Stonewell’s sorority sister, Isabelle Grey, confirmed her infatuation with another suitor at the time.

“Her prose is beautiful, ‘Lifting his body off the warm earth, he used his bicep to wipe the sweat from his forehead, revealing a grass-stained elbow. She felt her cheeks flush red like cherries, and lowered her gaze, watching him. She knew in the moment. Reader, this was her husband,’” Grey dictated. “If only it were true. No shade to Mitchell. He had a delicate way about him when he played frisbee, like a ballerina. But Rick was shoving guys up against the glass in an arena every night, and that just really got Emma going. But I should say, I was left wanting more. Let’s hope Beth gets divorced and remarried, so she can put out more fiction work. She’s a natural.”

Janet Reilly, historical romance enthusiast and lover of TheKnot.com, noted that history can only truly be understood when completely fabricated, highly conventional stories or characters are placed within it.

“The way she wrote about how their love was forbidden by their families but ‘home’ for her now only existed in his arms, wow. It just dazzled me,” Reilly remarked with delight. “I always say, what better way to learn about the Titanic than through Rose and Jack? Who would care about that stupid ship if not for them? It doesn’t matter if it really happened. Nonetheless, it’s a good thing these two died before they had a chance to get engaged and write an ‘Our Story.’”

At press time, groom Mitchell Sawyer Brooks III confirmed he didn’t really have anything to do with the website, but would “def have to check it out sometime.”

Reverse T-Rex? My Boss Can Only See Employees When They’re Not Doing Anything

Posted on by Mark Shady

We learned everything we needed to know about dinosaurs from “Jurassic Park.” We learned that velociraptors are clever girls, that Wayne Knight could scream, “We’ve got Dodgson here!” and no one would care, and most importantly, that a T-Rex had vision based on movement only. But did you know there is an even more terrifying predator with the exact opposite impairment?

My boss will not acknowledge you in any way unless she sees that you are not working. At first I thought she was just a huge jerk, but it’s been so consistent I’ve begun to realize it’s an actual physiological condition. The woman literally cannot see you unless you are not actively working, and if you’re staying busy, you’re not in her field of vision. Just like a T-Rex, but in reverse. And it’s as stressful as it sounds.

What’s more, nobody on the staff told me when I first got hired. I’m sorry, that’s not something you just casually forget to mention! But I get it, HR probably knows if they warn people about something like that in the interview, it’s over.

After I had spent my first day training with the internet sales manager, Terry, I had a few moments where I was just sitting at my desk, absorbing everything I had learned, kind of just staring off into space, when she finally noticed me and introduced herself as the CEO. After, as she was walking away, she turned around and said, “You can tell Terry you’re here and start your training.” It was a little confusing.

It’s hard to believe that nature would produce such a strange adaptation. It doesn’t seem like only seeing people not moving is an evolutionary advantage. It’s certainly not an effective management strategy. Life finds a way, I guess.

The break room is where she seems to have most of her conversations, or want to talk about your work performance. Everyone understands her condition, but it makes it extra difficult to get a moment’s peace. And it’s a little passive-aggressive when she says the only time she sees you is in the break room doing nothing, when that’s literally the only time she can see you.

Apparently, the only employee she never sees is the janitor. I can’t tell you how many times she’s asked around to upper management, or even random employees, if we even have one.

There are, of course, ways to stay off her radar. A lot of employees have started putting plastic cups of water on their desks and then looking for that familiar “shimmer” in the liquid as her footsteps get closer. One staff member went a step further and put a rear-view mirror backwards on their desk to see her as she approached. If you see her in time, you just open a spreadsheet, and she’ll walk right by you.

Everyone’s just getting desperate now, so the gloves are off. Because after a year of her only seeing employees when they’re not working, she’s getting more relentless. It was rumored she’d had enough one day and just fired the accounting manager for taking a shit. Her reasoning was “All the guy does is shit!”

The staff has collectively come to the conclusion the only way to get her off our scent is to actually be productive. But we were so preoccupied with whether or not we could, we didn’t stop to think if we should.

Oh, she also has giant arms that come out of her back.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Announce They’re Expecting Baby Private Jet

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — International pop star Taylor Swift and her fresh football fiancée Travis Kelce publicly announced that they are expecting the arrival of a baby private jet into their family this coming spring, confirmed sources.

“It’s just one major life update after another lately!” Swift offered while showing blueprints of the jet to be. “But it’s true, Travis and I are expecting. We’re so excited to welcome our little bundle of aeronautical joy into our lives and couldn’t be more excited for what lies in store for all three of us. He’s gonna have to get used to a lot of travel! And we’re going to have to get used to spoon-feeding him jet fuel and changing his dirty oil several times a day. But I’d say at this point in my life, I finally feel ready for it. We’re already picking out baby jet names too. Travis wants to go with PJ.”

Kelce appeared ecstatic despite feeling anxious about becoming a jet parent.

“The two of us really couldn’t be happier. I can’t wait to toss around the football with him,” said Kelce. “But we’re also preparing for the challenges that come with a new baby jet. There will be sleepless nights, constant maintenance, and we’re going to have to make changes to our lifestyle in order to adjust. It’s a responsibility that neither of us take lightly. Now, I did want to make another announcement. We recently went to our provider and found out that the jet is a Gulfstream G650.”

Swift and Kelce’s parents reacted extremely positively to the news.

“We just can’t believe it’s finally happening,” said mother Andrea Swift. “We never thought we’d see the day. We know she made the right choice with Travis, even though I’m more of a Cowboys fan. But this is going to put the two of them to the real test. If they can do it together and persevere, then they can do anything. I just hope Taylor is prepared for the postpartum depression that occurs after any 20,000-pound plane is welcomed into your life. Maybe she should read some self-help books about becoming first-time jet parents.”

At press time, Swift and Kelce were seen headed to the hangar near the closest airfield for the delivery of the jet.

“Could a Dead Man Do THIS?!” Asks Trump Before Lying Down in Coffin Forever

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — President Trump showed off his physical prowess today in an attempt to dispel rumors about his failing health by climbing inside a coffin, where, “through sheer force of will,” he will remain for all eternity, sources confirmed.

“This is going to be the most alive you’ve ever seen a person, folks, that I can assure you. People are going to come up to my coffin, crying their eyes out and say ‘Wow, President Trump, you are so alive and it makes me want to have big beautiful babies and name them Donald.’ Can you believe that? Lots of people are saying Donald is the best baby name for boys and girls,” boasted Trump to reporters in a pre-recorded video played on a television next to the coffin before hoisting himself into the casket, where he will remain for all of time. “As I am about to demonstrate, I am not only alive, I am physically strong enough to keep my body perfectly still in this coffin from now until the end of creation. I won’t need to breathe or eat because of how perfectly still I will be being. I can’t wait to see how CNN spins this one!”

Press secretary Karoline Leavitt fielded all follow-up questions, meeting the understandably confused reporters’ inquiries with defensive hostility and caginess.

“I don’t know how many different ways I can say this to you people. As you can see, right in front of you, the President is lying in his eternal leadership place, healthy, happy, and protecting the rest of us from Nuremberg tribunals,” said Leavitt. “If he weren’t alive, how could he even make the decision to lie perfectly still in the coffin to begin with?! Not one of you has asked ‘Isn’t ICE doing a fantastic job out there?’ and you should be ashamed of yourselves. Donald Trump is alive, his uncle taught the Unabomber, and tariffs make us strong — get over it.”

Political analysts are torn by Trump’s move, with some praising it as a genius master stroke showcasing American Fortitude and others claiming it’s pretty clear he’s just dead.

“It’s pretty fucking clear he’s fucking dead.” said Fred Talbot, a professor of Political Science at Stanford. “What we’re seeing now from his inner circle is some bizarre, panic induced shared delusion. It’s obvious that the cult of Trump dies with Trump, and now this circus of uncharismatic yes men are shouldered with the blame for his many many crimes against the constitution. Even if just limited to the ones we know about these people are fucked, and you know there’s a shit-ton we don’t even know about yet so yeah, they’ve gone fucking insane.”

When reached for comment, a sullen JD Vance replied that he’s “not supposed to talk about that,” before ranting about how none of the other cabinet members are invited to his birthday anymore.

Promising Medical AI Technology Detects Disease With Unaffordable Treatment Much Sooner

Posted on by Joe Matheson

SEATTLE — Researchers at the University of Washington announced breakthroughs in medical AI technology capable of detecting diseases with unaffordable treatments much earlier than comparable evaluations, confirmed sources.

“The technology has shown promising results in identifying multiple types of cancers, autoimmune diseases, and futures full of unpayable medical debt,” explained Garrett Wong, the principal researcher on the project. “We have been piloting the technology in lower-income areas across the US with rousing success, both in early detection and the patients’ prevalent inability to afford care. We are excited to introduce this technology nationwide in the coming months, where care is going to become even more unaffordable in the near term. We expect this AI tech will detect an average of 2.5 more years of medical payments. A huge win for insurance companies for once.”

While critics cite the added debt being a detriment to patients, subjects involved in the trials have expressed gratitude that they finally have clarity about their financial future.

“We are so thankful that this AI technology was able to detect Timmy’s leukemia as early as we did. The technology also recommended a few banks for loans to pay for it,” said Bellevue resident Norman Fulton. “Now we can use the money that we set aside for his college education to pay for the treatment. He may be destined for a life full of minimum-wage jobs, poor living situations, and an interest in ska, but thankfully he will be alive to experience it. What a miracle!”

While the technology is still pending FDA approval, government officials are confident that the procedure will be available as another popular option to diagnose diseases and financially screw over patients.

“We are encouraged that this AI tech can catch many types of cancer in their early treatable stages,” said FDA Director Martin Makary. “We’re talking revolutionary capabilities previously unheard of by the best oncologists. Kidney, breast, skin, societal, all brands, you name it. Detected so early that treatments will be quick and painless. But only if you can fork over the hundreds of thousands of dollars that it would take. And let’s be honest, most Americans can’t even afford to pay for a $500 emergency, so they’re definitely shit out of luck.”

Researchers are confident that the next generation of this AI will be able to detect if a potential GoFundMe fundraiser will be remotely successful in raising the necessary funds for the life-saving treatments.

Sapiosexual? This Man Is Only Attracted to Girls Still in School

Posted on by Laura Lewis

Sapiosexual is one of those words that has lost all meaning due to overuse. I think that’s because the concept of being sexually attracted to high intelligence is so easy to make fun of. I mean, who’s really like that? Well, I may have just found the only truly sapiosexual man on the planet. And, believe it or not, I found him right here in my backyard, which also happens to be a Southern California community college campus.

Just watch as he goes through his daily routine. He starts with a refined breakfast of croissants and iced coffee from the campus Starbucks, where he lingers to talk to the barista but never tips. This show of European gourmand and good economic sense is followed by a trip to the library. (The library is accessible through the Starbucks, which is good, because he doesn’t have a student ID.)

Then, he takes his seat in a study pod (which he didn’t reserve ahead of time because, again, he isn’t a student) cleverly situated between the charging stations and the women’s restroom. This location is actually a great example of his intellect at work. If it were me, I’d go straight to the archives floor to find fellow misunderstood geniuses. But he knows to lurk in places all women have to go to, and is just so intuitive that he can tell which ones are smart.

Lately, I’ve noticed he’s been moving from one study pod to the next in the row each day. I think he’s sidling up to the corner study room where the mathletes meet. I hear them sometimes, too, but I could never approach them myself. I’d be too intimidated by their intellect. Plus, it just weirds me out that they’re an all-female team of previously homeschooled 17-year-olds.

Our guy would never let those things stand in his way, though. Cool and confident, he’s just too sure-sighted to abandon his pursuit of the only women in the area for whom the Pythagorean theorem is still fresh knowledge.

Watch how he scrolls Tinder while he waits, swiping left on any woman over the age of 23. A true sapiosexual, he just can’t find a lasting intellectual bond with someone who isn’t still in school. He disregards women with advanced degrees, too — those women are obviously too indoctrinated. He’s looking for that perfect balance of smart and open-minded to “everything I say is correct.”

Oh, look! He’s gathered up the library book on quantum physics along with his own book titled “The Official Rick and Morty Guide to Quantum Physics.” He’s approaching the mathletes.
Let’s hope these girls are on his intellectual level, and not savages who will mace him like those brutes from the all-girl chess club did last week!

Metalhead Wishes Suburban Moms Would Be As Afraid of Him As They Are of Black Family Enjoying a Picnic

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

KENILWORTH, Ill. — Local metalhead Travis Garnette was dejected after failing to scare unsuspecting suburbanites while wandering around Lovelace Park earlier this week, unshaken witnesses state.

“Back in the day, a guy like me would walk into a 7-Eleven with just an Iron Maiden shirt and families would clutch their children,” said Garnette, tugging at his spiked choker collar. “Now I’m out here wearing corpse paint, a leather trench coat with a pentagram spraypainted on it, and loudly playing Hellripper from my phone. Then this Costco mom asks me to watch her kids while she runs to the bathroom. It’s like Satanism doesn’t even register anymore. Meanwhile, this black family opens a picnic basket and everyone starts calling the cops. They are so lucky!”

Observers say park security was flooded with calls after an African-American family sat on a picnic blanket sharing a charcuterie.

“Wait, which black guy? The kid dressed in black or the, um… Oh, the long hair kid? So adorable. He reminds me of this guy I dated in high school who was way into Ouija boards,” said Lisa Brentwood, 44, while clutching a tote bag that said “Grace, Faith, & Coffee!” “But that family over there? I don’t know… they’ve been here a while. I just… have a feeling. As a mom, you have to trust your gut. If they didn’t do anything wrong then they shouldn’t be upset about the police questioning them.”

Experts agree that there has been a shift in American culture as to what white suburban residents deem dangerous.

“Weirdly, with the rise of Christian Nationalism, Satanic Panic isn’t really seen as scary anymore, while the threat of white genocide very much is. White fear has evolved,” said Dr. Naomi Stevens, a sociologist at DePaul University. “The same people who once panicked over Ozzy Osbourne biting the head off a bat are terrified of a black kid eating a sandwich too confidently. It’s not about real threats, it’s about comfort zones. And Travis isn’t the threat anymore, people of color prospering and enjoying life terrifies the majority of America.”

At press time, Garnette purchased a goat head from a butcher and lit it on fire while screaming “Sol Vive Satana!” as police responded immediately and detained the African-American family.

Amazon Announces Mandatory 22 Hour Warehouse Shifts to Commemorate Labor Day

Posted on by Ben Friedman

SEATTLE — Amazon surprised its warehouse staff throughout the country today with the announcement of a mandatory 22-hour warehouse shift to commemorate Labor Day, exhausted employees have confirmed.

“Labor Day honors the sacrifices made by workers for better pay, safety, and quality of life, and since our dedicated warehouse staff loves to bring that crap up constantly, we thought there’d be no better way to commemorate the day than forcing them all to work a 22-hour shift. Think of it as a team-building experience but with minimal breaks,” said warehouse manager Kelly Stanton. “They’ll get a few extra bucks in their paychecks, plus they’ll already be in the building for when their next shift starts. I mean it’s called Labor Day, why not get a little extra labor out of everyone so I can get a nice fat bonus come Q4?”

Warehouse staff were slow to embrace their employer’s interpretation of the holiday.

“We all just got a text from our boss to pop in for a Labor Day celebration, and the next thing we knew security was locking the doors from the outside and said we couldn’t leave until the holiday was over. You gotta help me, they confiscated our phones and I haven’t eaten in 15 hours,” said order picker Sheldon Wallace through six rows of barbed wire. “They even took our piss jugs away to ensure we’re ‘commemorating the holiday in the spirit of Amazon’s values’. Is this all because we asked for a dollar-an-hour raise? God, I’m beginning to forget what the sun looks like.”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos ruminated on the true meaning of Labor Day.

“Hmph. Another holiday for the peasants, how quaint. If they want a day off to feel good about celebrating the working class building this country then they can work somewhere which doesn’t share our ambition for controlling the world,” said Bezos. “They should feel lucky to work almost an entire day without stopping, as a testament to how much of their blood, sweat, and many tears drive shareholder value. They can have the day off to grill when I replace them all with robots, once the damned things stop self-terminating mid-shift.”

Amazon announced the Labor Day celebrations would continue with an involuntary 72 hour marathon viewing of anti-union training videos.