BAKERSFIELD, Calif. – Local crisis actor Alex Perkins expressed his desire to burst out from his creative cocoon and start directing false flag conspiracies, confirmed…
PENSACOLA, Fla. – Local dentist Noah Dunaway expressed utter disgust recently after examining what long-time punk patient Skyler Thompson kept referring to as his “good”…
They say you get what you pay for. That’s why I was expecting a top-notch legal defense after hiring my lawyer who came highly recommended…
There’s nothing like getting up early on a Saturday and heading over to this Farmer’s Market that I’ve always supported. But if these vendors expect…
All I’ve heard my entire life is that alcohol is bad for my body, it’s destroying my insides, it’s gonna send me to an early…
TOLEDO, Ohio. – Local goth office worker Todd Schmidt admitted privately that he is secretly craving a slice of the delicious Funfetti birthday cake that’s…
Man, I wish these students knew how cool I used to be! It’s no secret that they don’t give two shits about me or this…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local punk Johnny ‘Blades’ McPhee expressed dread this week after being forced to choose between which one of his beloved shoulder rats…
TORONTO — Concert goers were left baffled last night when drummer Gareth McGibbons of mathcore band Hyde Index burst into flames during the band’s second…
At ease, soldier! Just kidding, I know you’re not in the military. Don’t tell anyone but neither am I. But it’s authentic-sounding phrases like that,…