DALLAS – Local man Shane Whitlock recently blew the two-drink minimum at a small, laid-back music venue clear out of the fucking water, according to secondhand-embarrassed witnesses.
“I should be hailed as a hero, not a villain,” shouted a shit-faced Whitlock while fleeing the scene. “I’m a huge supporter of local music so I know how venues like The Hideaway Lounge rely on customers purchasing alcohol in order to pay for all their business shit. But instead of thanking me, they 86’d my ass just because I had a few extra drinks, got belligerent, attacked the bassist, lit a few fires in the bathroom, and blah blah blah. If they don’t want courteous clients like me helping them reach their financial goals, maybe they shouldn’t have a policy which is clearly daring me to drink like someone’s got a gun to my fucking head.”
Whitlock’s last remaining friend, Corbin Bush, explained how his pal has a history of getting hammered at establishments with a drink minimum.
“Don’t listen to a word he says,” stated an exasperated Bush who was attempting to locate his plastered friend. “He likes to pretend that he’s guzzling beer and doing tequila shots to help them keep the lights on, but I can confirm he only does it to show off his drinking prowess like it’s some kind of twisted badge of honor. Nobody else will hang out with him anymore because of shit like this, and now you can add me to that list. I still don’t know why he thought urinating behind the bar was a good idea. It was not.”
Renowned hospitality expert Vanessa Burns described how “drink minimum” policies are necessary, but can attract the wrong kind of clientele.
“The cost of owning and operating venues has been increasing for years,” described Burns. “So ensuring that each customer hits a minimum alcohol purchase is necessary to help pay staff, musicians, and other overhead expenses that owners incur. But that policy can also attract people who take it as a challenge to consume as much as they can for no other reason than their out of control egos and very serious substance abuse issues. If you’re drinking to the point of pissing yourself in public, then you’ve got big problems you need to address.”
At press time, Whitlock had stumbled into a buffet restaurant, whose all-you-can-eat policy he was also planning to exploit.