Dad Calls Penis Something Weird Again

Posted on by Peter Woods

LAFAYETTE, Ind. — Local dad Sean Nolan is once again using a weird, unexpected, and previously nonexistent slang term for his penis in casual conversation, confirmed unsettled sources.

“He does this all the time so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal,” said Zack Nolan, the eldest son. “He’s always talking about ‘draining the snake’ or ‘punching someone’s twig and berries’ or whatever. If he says something like ‘pecker’ I don’t even blink. But none of that prepared me to hear the words ‘skin pole’ leave his mouth. I can’t even figure out if he made that up or heard it from someone else. And I don’t actually know which would be worse.”

Following the incident, the father of three was quick to defend himself.

“There’s nothing wrong with calling your Johnson something else,” said the 62-year-old Car and Driver subscriber. “You just have to do it appropriately. Like, if I’m with the misses I’m calling it my ‘wild hog,’ but I would never do that with the boys. That’s when I’m talking about my hanger. The doctor hears about my ‘groin pointer,’ my priest listens to me discuss my ‘sin sliver’ during confession, and Target employees help me find clothes to cover my ‘adult outie.’ It’s just more civil that way.”

Experts warned that excessive penis slang use can be a sign of other issues.

“A mention of a pud here or a tallywacker there is nothing to worry about,” said cognitive psychologist Tegan Sparks. “But too much can be a sign of dementia. You want to look out for signs of older adults forgetting what to call their penis altogether. For instance, have you noticed your father or grandfather struggling to remember the word for ‘schlong’ and instead using the name of the city he grew up in or a childhood friend instead? If so, seek help immediately.”

As of press time, the Nolan father developed seven new terms for his penis following the initial incident, but still refuses to look his wife in the eyes when he needs to use the word “vagina.”

Here’s What Being a Dumbass Who Failed Upwards at His Father’s Company Taught Me About B2B Sales

Posted on by Ben Friedman

When you’re struggling to succeed in today’s fast-paced B2B sales landscape, it’s easy to second-guess whether you’re cut out for this line of work or not. But sometimes you need to look at lessons from your personal life to forge your own path to the top. I’ve been called a “dumbass” and a “screw up” on a few dozen occasions, but that never stopped me from achieving Senior VP status at my father’s company.

What is B2B? I’m 70% sure the “B” stands for “business”, and the number 2 in there is to make it look fun. It’s really fun to say in random conversations, like when I overheard two of my coworkers complaining about how I ruined a pitch to a potential client after remarking I finger banged his daughter at my old fraternity. If this has happened to you, just burst through the door, gripping your balls yelling “I’m the B2B king motherfuckers!” and then threaten to have them fired before lunch.

This mindset will work for most B2B products, because I’ve been promoted every six months despite having no idea what the hell we do here. I do know we send out a whole lot of marketing emails, though, at least that’s what I caught during orientation a few years back. I was still coming down from a weekend cocaine binge.

The key to growth is to have open and collaborative relationships with other entities, and the best way to do that is to max out your dad’s company credit card to take clients out to earn their trust. I’ve found getting blackout drunk at the country club and then hitting three consecutive strip clubs to be the most effective. And if the accounting department follows up, slap the receipts out of their hands and call them a nerd.

My econ professor once told me that I was “the poster child of willful ignorance and galling nepotism”, and due to my complete lack of understanding of how successful businesses operate, that I would easily bankrupt anything I touched. But last I checked, it was my dad’s name on the school gym, so I’ll probably be OK. I know from first-hand experience that it’s definitely not what you know, but who you know, if that person is immediate family, and if they pay you six figures a year to sit in an office and not talk to anyone or make any decisions.

Warmer Weather Briefly Turns Punk Into Sublime Guy

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Steve “Vomit” Parker reportedly began his annual metamorphosis into a Sublime guy after temperatures cracked the upper 50s this week, sources confirmed.

“I don’t practice Santeria, but I do have a crystal ball I bought at Spencer’s Gifts,” said Parker, rolling a joint with one hand and a half-finished Modelo at his feet. “It’s called Weather Underground, and the forecast says it’s gonna be 57 degrees today. Bup-bup! It’s boardshort time, baby! This winter’s been tough, brah. But there’s just something about this time of year where the sun starts setting later and ‘What I Got’ gets stuck in my head for an entire month straight. Plus, the weed just hits better with ’40oz. to Freedom’ cranking in May.”

Milo Martinez, Parker’s roommate, describes the impact of his yearly transformation on their friends in the punk community.

“Oh, we fucking hate it! I try to book out-of-town shows for my band around this time every year,” said Martinez. “It’s impossible to be around him when he’s like this. He completely changes! He grows this little soul patch, trades in his combat boots for those Reef flip flops with the bottle opener in the sole, rocks Oakley Topcoats, and wears nothing but Quiksilver for a month. And he won’t shut the fuck up. Dude, I don’t care who the Long Beach Dub Allstars are!”

Lisa Dempsey, host of the Sublime podcast Casting for Badfish, says she regularly receives emails from listeners asking for advice on how to deal with their Sublime guy.

“My subscribers listen to Sublime year-round, but there’s a unique type of seasonal fan who only comes out once a year. And, frankly, they’re a lot to deal with,” said Dempsey. “As spring rolls around, the emails start pouring in. The questions are usually things like, ‘How do I get my Sublime guy to put on a shirt?’ or ‘My daughter’s getting married in a week. How do I get my dumbass husband to take off his stupid fucking puka shell necklace?’ Her words, not mine. My advice is usually to ride it out until the fall when they become seasonal AFI fans.”

At press time, Parker was at Minneapolis Animal Care and Control asking if they had any Dalmatians for adoption.

Trump Debuts Previously Undiscovered Way to Pronounce “Cinco De Mayo”

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump debuted a completely new pronunciation of the holiday “Cinco De Mayo” while addressing local reporters at the White House today, confirmed several journalists struggling to spell it out phonetically for their news outlets.

“It started out like most other comments from the president, going over what internet celebrity he’s beefing with and expressing interest in hearing from people who died decades ago. And then it happened,” said reporter Noelle Dean. “Usually the room is buzzing with reporters shouting questions. But everything stopped. There was an uncharacteristic silence in the room. Not because we were shocked, we just weren’t sure what he was talking about. Also because he said it in a way that sounded like he was soft launching a new racial slur to his base.”

President Trump didn’t even seem to notice that he mispronounced the name of the annual celebration.

“You know, Mexicans, they’re great people. Well, some of them are not so great,” said President Trump. “That’s why the wall is so important. And China, they know about walls. Trust me, you do not want to be in China, people. They will lock you in a room for eating pizza, it’s true. Nasty place. Except that Wang Chung. Incredible singer, huge talent. But the food. That’s why I trust Taco Bell. You never go wrong with a Chalupa on May 5th, or as I like to call it, Shinko del Maiypo [sic].”

Marian Di Stefano, a linguistics expert specializing in presidential vernacular, offered her insights.

“This is a pretty typical Trumpism. Instinct would lead you to believe he would pronounce it as whitely as humanly possible, but people underestimate how much this man loves attempting to sound ethnic,” said Di Stefano. “Of course he gets it completely wrong and that is why we end up with such novel pronunciations. That’s how we got him saying Puerto Rico with like five h’s. It’s not that he can’t hear the way things come out, which is an issue for many people who mispronounce things. It’s more a complete lack of awareness of reality.”

At press time, there were whispers that President Trump will soon release a new pronunciation of Flag Day.

Masculinity Win! An Influencer Said I Wasn’t a Real Man, so I Started Doing Everything He Said

Posted on by Dan Rice

Throughout my life, I had always felt completely secure in my masculinity. Then, the unthinkable happened — an alpha male lifestyle influencer on TikTok challenged it by implying people like me weren’t man-ing hard enough. I was devastated.

A deeper dive into @ArtOfTheAlpha’s socials revealed further blows to my ego. I didn’t have any children at 30. I had a cortisol belly. I didn’t even smoke cigars, bro. It seemed the state of my man-card was in jeopardy. I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

A weaker man would have admitted defeat, but not me. I was going to prove this stranger on the internet wrong by doing everything he said to do for the rest of my life.

By making him my daddy and doing everything he tells me to do, I’ve beaten @ArtOfTheAlpha at his own game. Now I’m a man’s-man who changes his entire lifestyle the second an ill-informed gym rat gives him unsolicited advice on the internet instead of going to therapy. By following the code of someone I’ve never met who seems kind of buff and mean, I’ve become my own man:

ALL MEAT DIET: Fruits and vegetables are a slippery slope that lead to sissification and cuckholding. By the fourth week, I didn’t even miss shitting and the diverticulitis makes me feel like more of a man.

NEUTROPICS: It used to take me hours to finish the NYT crossword puzzle. Now, I don’t do the NYT crossword puzzle because I know it’s full of liberal Satanist propaganda.

PROCREATE: According to the Bible, it’s the only reason to have sex in the first place. Oh, the bible is super important by the way, but don’t read it, reading is feminine.

HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH WOMEN OUTSIDE OF PROCREATION: Are you a heterosexual man in a relationship with a woman who loves and supports you? Have fun with that BETA! Associating with women can infect a male with feminine energy. I only associate with other alphas now because iron sharpens iron. Cuddling, going on dates, and paying child support are all traps to turn you gay.

EMPATHY = DISEASE: Have you ever wronged someone and felt bad about it? Congratulations, you’re host to the woke mind virus! Every parent, teacher and mentor who ever told you to be a good person growing up was paid to do so by George Soros.

NEVER NUT: Semen retention is crucial. Semen is pure masculinity, it makes us strong. The least gay thing you can possibly do is worship semen.

My so-called friends have all begged me to abandon the way of the alpha. They tell me things like how I should be comfortable with who I am, that I shouldn’t feel insecure because of some right-wing influencer, that @ArtOfTheAlpha is either satire or an attempt at forming a cult and I am the dumbest person alive. In other words, they’re all a bunch of weak-ass beta CUCKS. How else do you explain why they all have extremely attractive wives while I remain so very, very alone despite maximizing my gains?

Guy Listens To Entire Genesis Catalog While Waiting for Opportunity to Back Out of Trader Joe’s Parking Spot

Posted on by Courtney Hill

SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. — Local man Travis Anders recently listened to all 15 Genesis albums while waiting for a chance to back out of his parking spot at Trader Joe’s, fellow shoppers reported.

“When I got to my car it was classic TJ’s parking lot gridlock so I put on the Genesis debut and went to work on a bag of strawberry popcorn,” Anders recounted with the corners of his mouth still caked in congealed pink flavor dust. “I never intended to go deep in the catalog but after the proto-prog triptych of ‘Trespass,’ ‘Nursery Cryme,’ and ‘Foxtrot’ I was still boxed in and figured I’d dig into some tuna-cheddar cashews and fire up ‘Selling England by the Pound.’ I finally had a window of escape but a Cybertruck hit a shopping cart and burst into flames so I settled in for the hyper-concept ‘Lamb Lies Down on Broadway’ through synth-rock smash ‘Invisible Touch.’ Once the store closed I ended up spinning the final two albums while some teenage employees partied on the hood of my car not realizing I was in it.”

Resident Trader Joe’s parking lot busker Rusty Fitzgerald listened along to the whole thing from a nearby mulch bed.

“Hearing the complete works really highlights how Genesis was a constantly evolving force of creativity and innovation, kind of like the Trader Joe’s snack lab,” Fitzgerald mused while dipping jalapeño banana chips in butterscotch ricotta. “Peter Gabriel and Steve Hackett’s departures were like Trader Joe’s pulling Chocolate Chip Sandwich Cookies from the shelves; it left a huge void in a classic lineup. Phil Collins taking the lead of the remaining trio felt like the music version of a wasabi pea covered in shredded coconut; nobody asked for it but there’s a subtle complexity. In the same way you’ll try a snack and say, ‘whoa- these are Trader Joe’s?!’ you’ll hear a song and say, ‘whoa- this is Genesis?!’”

Trader Joe’s manager Fran Dunbar pointed out that customers going through discographies in the parking lot is quite common.

“Many people are more comfortable sitting alone in a Trader Joe’s parking spot than they are being at home,” Dunbar explained while doctoring expiration dates. “Once a week I see someone with their seat all the way back and an icepack on their head listening to the full Rolling Stones or Bruce Springsteen or live Grateful Dead library. It’s one of the last places people can still go just to think. One guy hasn’t moved in months; he’s working through the Ty Segall collection but every time he finishes one album three more have come out.”

At press time, Anders was consulting with MIT professors to guide him out of a diagonal spot he’d foolishly backed into.

Kid Whose Dad Went Out For Cotton Candy Vape Juice Secretly Hoping He Never Comes Back

Posted on by Matt Husser

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local 13-year-old Elliot Johnson was reportedly crossing his fingers today hoping that his dad would never come back after heading out for cotton candy vape juice, confirmed sources.

“Every Saturday my old man makes a big deal about how he’s going out for cotton candy vape juice so loud the neighbors can hear, and I always pray this is the day he finally doesn’t embarrass me by coming home in a cloud of unicorn farts,” said Elliot, slamming his bedroom door. “All my friends’ dads went out for smokes and abandoned them, but my dad always comes back a few hours later smelling like a rainbow clown wig, saying some weird shit like ‘It’s me Darth Vaper, I am your Father’ before giving me a big hug and asking about my day.”

Father Jimmy Johnson revealed that the reason he leaves for so long is that it’s hard to find his favorite ‘Bussin Labs Cotton Candy Crave’ vape juice at the local stores.

“I know three hours roundtrip is a long time to sit on my ‘gyat’ in my ‘whip’ away from my ‘fam’ each week, but there’s only one shop in the county ‘bussin’ enough to carry my favorite vape juice and weekly supply of Feastables,” said the 55-year-old accountant, putting on his reading glasses to check the receipt. “Then it always takes me about 20 minutes to convince the liquor store guy that the Buzzballz and alcoholic Monster energy are for me, and not for the teenagers hanging outside. But it’s all worth it to see the ‘skibidi’ look on my kid’s face when I finally come back from the store.”

Mr. Johnson’s own estranged dad, Clyde Johnson, criticized his son’s juvenile commitment to his family.

“It’s high time that Jimmy stopped with this cotton candy nonsense, switched to some fuckin’ Marlboros, and abandoned his family like a real man,” said the 85-year-old, ashing his cigarette on an old family photo. “When I was his age I had already abandoned my second family and knocked up a stripper 20 years younger than me all on a plumber’s salary. How is Elliott ever gonna learn to be a man if his dad is always appearing out of a fruity pebble cloud like David Copperfield when he shows up to all of his music recitals and baseball games?”

At press time, Elliot Johnson was reportedly mortified after his dad had signed them up for Mr. Beast’s “The Sex Talk Puberty Elimination Challenge.”

Opinion: I Thought I Had the Perfect Name for Our Band, but Apparently Sanguisugabogg Is Already Taken

Posted on by Peter Woods

Is there a bigger time suck in this world than trying to come up with a new band name? Every time a new band starts, people spend hours and hours trying to come up with anything that works, but every single name anyone comes up with is either corny or used by someone else.

I figured, “Why not try something new for our band?” Since every band name we thought of so far has been taken, I decided to just make random mouth sounds until I came up with something that sounded cool. Spent three hours doing that, but then some sounds that make the perfect band name came out:

Sanguisugabogg.

I was so pumped to have found something so badass that perfectly encapsulated our sound, our vibe, hell our whole vision! Until I looked it up on discogs and immediately threw my computer into a trash can.

I had to go back to the drawing board, but I wanted to get some help. So I asked ChatGPT to make up a word that sounded cool and would work really well for our blackened tech death grind band. It spewed out ten options, nine of them sucked. But the last one it came up with was perfect.

The only problem was that it was Sanguisugabogg again.

I got so annoyed and depressed about this that I got completely hammered. And then when I was blacked out, I apparently recorded myself brainstorming band names. The problem is that I couldn’t make out a single word I was saying except for one pretty remarkable moment of inspiration.

Unfortunately, that name was also Sanguisugabogg.

So I guess we have to try something else. Maybe let’s just go with taking a cool word like metallic or something and add the letter A at the end to make it sound latin or something. I’ll look it up and get back to you.

Local Man Horrified and Disgusted to Learn All-Time Favorite Lead Vocalist Now Doing Open Mic Stand Up Comedy

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Local man Peter Spearman was shocked when he discovered the frontman of his all-time favorite band Chaos Dissidents was doing low level stand up comedy around the city, equally disgusted sources confirmed.

“Chaos Dissidents were these coke-fueled maniacs playing a mix between thrash and screamo that nobody else was doing back in 1999. I still have four copies of their split 7” with Low Voltage that I planned on being buried with,” said Spearman. “So I’m watching the Yankees game at the bar and out of nowhere an open mic starts. I’m already pissed they turned off the game, but then the host brought up the first performer who was none other than Chaos Dissidents frontman Chris Deehan. I realized that the person I once thought was the definition of cool is now doing terrible jokes about how hard it is to date in New York. I don’t know where I go from here, I feel sick, like my insides are rotting and my mouth has tasted like battery acid for days now.”

Deehan, the once popular musician, says stand up has been a creative outlet since his last band broke up in 2012.

“I love being a performer, but the problem with being in a band is that you have so many mouths to feed. With stand up it’s just me up there bearing my heart and soul,” said Deehan after a set where his closing joke was about how he thinks his scrotum is lopsided. “I’ve been doing this pretty frequently for 10 years now and I will meet fans of my music. They always ask me questions about stand up like ‘Why are you doing this?’ ‘Is the band getting back together so you can stop doing comedy?’ and ‘Do you need me to Venmo you some money?’ Which is nice, but the band isn’t getting together anytime soon. Our guitar player teaches clowning now, and he’s so busy with that we could never get him to tour.”

Scene historian Sami Houston says the pipeline of ex-band dudes to stand up comedy has slowed down in recent years.

“This was definitely more prevalent during the alternative comedy boom of the early aughts, but now we see a lot of band guys starting pointless podcasts. These people have transitioned from degrading their legacies in dimly lit bars to degrading their legacies on social media,” said Houston. “This is the new reality we live in. The flip side of the coin are the band guys who go into hiding because of disturbing accusations. But honestly, every outcome is terrible and it’s best not to engage.”

At press time, Deehan announced on the official Chaos Dissidents Instagram page that he needs 15 people to buy tickets to his next comedy show in order for him to be allowed to perform.

Photo by Brett McCabe.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While ‘Toxicity’ Was Temporarily Removed From Streaming

Posted on by Contributor

It’s been another long week filled with nauseating political developments and beloved albums being removed from streaming services for several panic-inducing hours. Our loss is your gain, however. Because we couldn’t find our CD Wallet from 2007, we were forced to seek out new songs. Here are six new tracks we listened to while wondering if our collective memory of the ‘Chop Suey!’ riff would forever fade into the abyss.

The Beths ‘Metal’

Indie-punk quartet The Beths are continuing down the elusive path toward becoming New Zealand’s version of the Cure. This is obviously a compliment. The intertwined guitars of their latest ‘Metal’ – filled with constantly evolving melodic riffs – are some of the dreamiest of the band’s entire discography. It gives less ‘Friday, I’m In Love’ and more ‘Monday, I’m In Bed,’ which, again, is clearly a compliment. Feel free to put this on when you need an escape from the drudgery of reality. It will work wonders until you start thinking about how much you’d rather live in New Zealand.

Turnstile ‘BIRDS’/‘SEEIN’ STARS’

Just when you finally stopped sobbing and throwing up in response to Turnstile’s last single ‘Never Enough,’ they’ve decided to pummel you in the chest with not one, but two new tracks. ‘Birds’ is a signature future hardcore anthem that could only be improved by the band going full ham and delivering on the cover of Bobby Brown’s ‘My Prerogative’ they are clearly teasing during the breakdown. ‘Seein’ Stars’ is a complete 180 from ‘Birds’ – leaning into a Police-esque dancehall vibe, cementing Turnstile’s secret mission to make hardcore kids learn dance moves other than punching and kicking.

Full of Hell ‘Knight’s Oath’

Imagine plugging a blender into a Boss Heavy Metal distortion pedal, running it into a Line 6 Spider II, then cranking it into a modified setting past ‘Insane’ called ‘Involuntarily Committed’ and you’ll get pretty close to Full of Hell’s ethos. Their latest single, ‘Knight’s Oath,’ is such a disconcerting display of grindcore horror that you’ll probably wake up in a cold sweat screaming the verses for countless nights to come. Probably still a step up from your normal recurring nightmares, so you’re welcome.

Propaghandi ‘No Longer Young’

Propaghandi – who just recently had to cancel their entire US tour due to… ya know, the horrors – have finally released their long awaited LP ‘At Peace.’ It’s their first new record in nearly a decade, and it was well worth the wait for those who have missed being lectured over loud guitars as much as we have. The latest single to be released pre-full album drop ‘No Longer Young’ is a bit misleading as these guys are shredding faster than you ever dreamed of in even the height of your youth.

Chris Farren ‘Cause of Death’

In what we’re assuming was a desperate plea for attention, Chris Farren celebrated his birthday with the surprise release of his excellent, albeit disturbing, new single ‘Cause of Death.’ As you would guess, the lyrics fixate on attempting to discover how certain people have died while being simultaneously depressed and horrified of meeting the same fate. If this piques your curiosity, we won’t judge, you weird fuck. Even if you’re not a death-obsessed freak, you’ll still probably have this one stuck in your head for a while after the first listen.

Now that you have a taste for music that wasn’t released over two decades ago, we assume you’ll want to hear more. That’s why we took the time to compile these songs in a disorienting playlist that also features every other song we’ve listened to this year. We didn’t hear a ‘thanks,’ but you are welcome regardless. Check it out below and enjoy feeling modern for a change.