Guy in Desperate Need of Cheap Boner Pills Mistakenly Orders 8 Boxes of Powerman 5000 CDs

Posted on by Chris Bowen

CORTLAND, N.Y. — Local man Thomas Harper mistakenly ordered a large number of CDs by nu-metal band Powerman 5000 in a frenzied attempt to purchase boner pills, confirmed sources who have made that exact error in judgement.

“Okay, listen. There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs a little, or maybe even a large, amount of help in the ‘manhood department,’” Harper explained. “So I hope getting hung up on that won’t take away from the fact that I’m still suffering, but now as the owner of 800 CDs of ‘Tonight the Stars Revolt!’ Not to mention, I still can’t even get it up. You know how embarrassing it is to have people think you’re bonerless AND have shit taste in music? I wouldn’t wish it even on my most erection-deficient enemies.”

Powerman 5000 frontman Michael David Cummings, known professionally as Spider One, says his excitement towards his band’s rise in popularity was short-lived.

“For the first time in my life, I thought I could prove to my brother Rob (Zombie) that I wasn’t just riding his scraggly, flea-infested coattails and that people were finally coming around to truly appreciate Powerman 5000, a band name that many have mistaken for a product sold at GNC,” Cummings said. “But nope. Someone was just trying to buy pills to treat their erectile dysfunction again, goddamnit. I should just give up on the space-themed nu-metal shtick, and go into selling Viagra knockoffs, I imagine I’d be much richer and fulfilled.”

Nu-metal expert Derek “Monkeybone” Turner claims these types of mix-ups are unfortunately all too common in the scene.

“Normies just don’t get it. They didn’t when I was walking around the mall in JNCOs at age 13, and they still don’t when I do it at 41,” Turner said. “They’re always getting their boring, conformist, mundane stink all over our culture. Some asshole nearly brought Wayne Static back to life recently with how many Static-X albums he bought looking for something to remove the static electricity from his monkey suit. Slipknot were right, people do equal shit.”

At press time, Powerman 5000 were hopeful that a recent nostalgia for late ‘90s console games could be just what they needed to jumpstart their career.

I’m the Nu-Metal Ice Cream Truck Driver From Coal Chamber’s Self-Titled Album Cover, and I’m Pleased To Announce My New Expanded Menu

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Nu-metal really was a fantastically underrated genre, and society has suffered from it not being in the mainstream for the past two decades. Luckily, thanks to Gen Z and Tik Tok, we’re now experiencing a revival of sorts, which certainly works out in my favor. You see, I’m the nu-metal ice cream truck driver from Coal Chamber’s self-titled album cover, and I’m pleased to announce my new expanded menu.

Back when I was at my peak level of popularity, my services were woefully limited. I was young and inexperienced, and my only offering was forcing a View-Master that showed footage of Coal Chamber playing music onto people’s eyes as shown in the “Loco” music video. Unfortunately, this wasn’t generating the revenue stream that I had hoped, and I went out of business shortly thereafter. I won’t go into detail about how I’ve been able to stay afloat financially for the last 20 years, but suffice it to say going back to my old job will certainly be welcomed. Now I’m able to see the error of my past ways, and have made the necessary alterations to ensure I can make a living in my favorite vocation.

But here I am, back in business and ready to peddle my wares to an entirely new generation of down-tuned guitar and choker necklace enthusiasts. I’ve learned my lesson this time, and am proud to now offer Blue Bunny Big Dipper Vanilla Cones and Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake bars in addition to my signature line of bizarre visual assaults. You’re going to love these delicious goodies intertwined with my predatory advances! A good businessman adapts his products to match his customers’ ever-changing demands, and with these new items, I’m really hoping to stand apart from your typical nu-metal ice cream man. But don’t just take my word for it. I can’t wait for you to see for yourself!

So, given that my health permit from the State of Florida is still pending and highly unlikely to be approved, come on out and cool off with one of my sweet new treats before I inevitably get shut down for endangering the well-being of neighborhood children. Just don’t tell your parents about it!

Taylor Swift Thrilled to Have an Evening Free to Reply to All 75 Million Unanswered Instagram DMs

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

LOS ANGELES — Taylor Swift, the popular recording artist with a key supporting role in “The Lorax” (2012), was reportedly “stoked beyond belief” to have an obligation-free night to respond to all of the approximately 75 million direct messages that had been accumulating in her Instagram inbox “over the last year, if not decade,” confirmed sources.

“I’ve been meaning to do this forever. But songwriting and world tours always got in the way,” Swift said. “I was gonna do it one night, but then I got a call from Mom reminding me about [brother] Austin’s 30th birthday. A year later, I tried again. But then, I was embarking on what would eventually become the highest-grossing concert tour of all time. The more my phone lit up, the more daunting it became. But the important thing is that I’m doing something about it, even if I only manage to make a dent for now.”

Swift’s publicist, Tree Paine, admitted to feeling trepidation about the multi-platinum artist and holder of 118 Guinness World Records taking it upon herself to answer anonymous messages from strangers on her public social media account.

“We spent so much time perfecting this image of her as being simultaneously everyone’s best friend while also being mysterious beyond description,” Paine said. “And that’s easily undone when she’s replying to DMs at random and beginning each with ‘My sincerest apologies for not attending to this message sooner.’ I at least tried to suggest she not reply to the pornbots, but she just kept saying she wouldn’t ‘take the easy way out.’”

Catherine Foley, a “Swiftie for life and beyond,” reported a wide array of feelings in the wake of receiving a years-late reply from her idol.

“To be honest, I forgot I had DM’d her when the ‘Cats’ movie was first announced and said she was gonna win an Oscar for singing ‘Memories,’” Foley said. “And she sent me this huge reply thanking and gently correcting me and saying how a director with ‘precise aesthetic control’ could’ve made a masterpiece. I was beside myself, and I could tell she put a lot of thought into it. I keep trying to unlock some hidden message but nothing. Oh well, I’ve sent her like 200 DMs, so I’m sure it’s coming eventually.”

At press time, Swift went to bed at 2:30 a.m., vowing to answer the remaining 75,585,942, “on the next rainy day.”

Poly Woman Struggles to Find Different Group Chat to Bitch About Each Partner

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Polyamorous woman Leanne Farina is experiencing the struggle of finding a different group chat in which to bitch about each of her romantic partners, local reports confirmed.

“People always think being poly must be so hard. It’s really not much different than managing emotions in a monogamous relationship, where jealousy, triggers, and whose turn it is to wash the dishes are also something you have to navigate,” said Farina while doomscrolling her contacts list on her phone. “What is a struggle is not annoying the shit out of my friends every time one of my partners does something asinine. That’s truly the hardest part about the whole deal. You can’t overload one group chat with too much relationship talk. You’ve got to spread it out to avoid friendship fatigue.”

Matthew Fleming, friend of a poly person, shared what it’s like being in a group chat that fields complaints about multiple partners.

“It’s a real issue in the ‘friend of poly person’ community,” said Fleming. “It does get annoying and overwhelming, but, at the same time, I try to be sympathetic. We all deserve to complain about our boyfriends. I mean, what are you supposed to do? Not text people when he says he’s never heard of Steve Urkel? With whom are you to discuss what he could possibly have been doing with every ‘Did I do that?’ reference he’s encountered? So, as an ally, sometimes I pick up extra shifts and I’ll field complaints about Chris even though I’m a designated Nathan venter.”

Sandra Woods, an expert on Poly Sociology, spoke about how this issue arose and its wider implications.

“The research in this field continues to show that a struggle exists because while human romantic relationships have continued to evolve, group chats have stayed largely the same,” said Woods. “There are only group chat advancements every five years or so. The last, of course, being the Horny Chain Texts that go out on holidays and other special occasions. In order for a text-based support system to fulfill a person’s needs, there needs to be an evolution in the way group chats either operate or form. As it stands, you would need to be on bitching terms with 10-20 people just to satisfy group chat etiquette for five partners.”

As this issue continues to develop, reports say there is opportunity opening up for side gigs fielding relationship complaints as a poly person’s friend.

Crazy! This Divorced Dad Says His 16-Year-Old Daughter Is Too Young To Date, but His 20-Year-Old Girlfriend Is Mature Beyond Her Years

Posted on by Tyler Roland

Meet 56-year-old Don Harlow of Milford, Connecticut. In the wake of his divorce, Harlow has found solace in dating 20-year-old Jenna Fairmont. As his marriage crumbled, Harlow met the then 19-year-old Fairmont in Last Resort, a local bar popular with low-lifes and underage drinkers. It only took one drunken night of flirtation for him to know that she was the one.

“I saw her and her hot friend in the bar downtown, kinda twisted the bartender’s arm to accept her fake [I.D.],” Harlow told us. “But I admire Jenna for her brains, not just her beauty. She knows who Bob Dylan is! She was all excited, telling me that Kylie Jenner was dating him.”

“She’s mature beyond her years,” Harlow tells us. “I see a bit of [ex-wife] Christie in her. Every time Jenna and I have a date night, it’s like I’m back to when we first met, around ‘86…she takes me there, baby!”

Fairmont, whose father is three years younger than Harlow, concurs that she’s something of an old soul herself.

“Oh, yeah. I’m one of those BookTok girlies, for sure. Like, I listen to audiobooks at 2x speed. Donny is a sweetie. He totally gets me.”

But get this: Harlow’s 16-year-old daughter, Claire, is too young to date! “She’s my princess. A vessel of purity,” Harlow remarked. “I don’t know if I can ever see her dating anyone,” he added. “She’ll never go to prom. All boys are off the table.”

Harlow is careful to monitor any suspected interest Claire may have in the opposite sex. “I was suspicious when I saw her using Hinge, this app full of older men, but she told me it’s just used to find local door installers.”

While Harlow refuses to let any man, young or anywhere close to his age, near Claire, he has no such reservations about his son, Sam. “Sam is 12, but he’s turning 13 in a month,” Harlow says, eager to tell us his plans for the soon-to-be teenager.

“I’m gonna have the ‘start hooking up with 16-year-olds’ talk with him on his birthday…right after I give him the premium Brazzers subscription.”

New Black Flag Members Mostly Just There to Help Greg Ginn Uninstall His Abundance of Browser Toolbars

Posted on by Noah Dominguez

AUSTIN, Texas — Aging Black Flag founder and lead guitarist Greg Ginn mainly hired a bunch of Zoomers to be his new bandmates so he’d have someone to help him get rid of the abundance of unnecessary browser toolbars he’s installed on his PC over the years, sources within SST Records confirmed.

“I’ll admit, I was a bit confused when my audition ended up being two minutes of singing followed by an hour of Greg grilling me about how good I am with computers,” new Black Flag vocalist Max Zanelly confessed. “It’s not a bad gig, though. I have to do the same thing for my grandpa all the time, so I figured I might as well get paid for it. Besides, purging Greg’s PC of malware definitely beats band practice. We usually only get a few songs in before he sits us all down in a circle and makes us listen to him play the theremin. He typically starts to nod off after that.”

Ginn himself explained that hiring bandmates who grew up in the internet age just made practical sense.

“Mike V used to handle all the AOL stuff when he wasn’t causing all that infernal racket with that skateboard of his, anyway. But he’s only 16 years younger than me, for goodness’ sake! These new kids really know a thing or two about browsing the information superhighway, let me tell you! I bet they can even help our next album go ‘viral’ on that ‘TikTok’ forum,” Ginn said as new drummer Bryce Weston and bassist David Rodriguez stared vacantly into the distance, seemingly already numb to this sort of thing. “That was my main reason for hiring them. The fact that they’re also musicians who can help me record the album was just a convenient bonus!”

Local music fan and social media manager Donny Gribbin says he can see how this problem arose, and where Ginn is coming from.

“Like many senior citizens, Greg tends to just click ‘yes’ on every prompt his computer gives him, then wonders why he suddenly has 37 toolbars and keeps getting redirected to scam sites that use comic sans,” Gribbin said. “Struggling with technology just kind of goes with the territory of getting older – and being a Ginn, for that matter. I mean, have you ever seen Raymond try to tweet? I can see why Greg would want some tech-savvy youths around. It certainly makes a lot more sense than him wanting every Black Flag show to look like he’s a high school janitor who got roped into filling in on guitar for the kid who got sick just before the battle of the bands.”

At press time, former Black Flag vocalist and “What The…” album cover artwork creator Ron Reyes was reportedly thinking about reaching out to Ginn’s new bandmates so they could teach him to be better at MS Paint.

Death Metal Guitarist Adds Beautifully Melodic, Neo-Classical Solo to Song About Necrophilia

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WATERVILLE, Maine — Lead guitarist Lloyd Weil of band Visceral Stench surprised his bandmates by adding an unbelievably intricate solo to their song “Molestation of Entrails,” sources report.

“I had written this solo a couple weeks ago, and this seems like the perfect song for it,” Weil mentioned. “I’m really influenced by guitarists like Andy LaRocque and Randy Rhoads, so I like to incorporate a lot of their style into my playing. I joined this band because I like to play metal, but I don’t pay much attention to what our songs are about. I leave things like lyrics and subject matter to the other guys, and will just idly noodle on my guitar while they’re writing them. I’m here to write sick riffs and solos, and let them handle the rest. Hopefully the song is about how love finds a way.”

Frontman and chief lyricist Calvin Hoffman reacted to Weil’s solo.

“I was really blown away, and befuddled, by Lloyd’s solo,” Hoffman admitted. “I knew he didn’t really care what our songs are about, but he definitely has to know how gruesome the lyrics are. I mean, he was in the room with me while I was writing lines about sneaking into a cemetery and digging up a corpse for, um, romantic purposes. We definitely appreciate how much thought he was putting into his solos, but man. It’s definitely not necessary. We’d be perfectly fine with just some short, whammy bar-heavy Kerry King solo, or even no solo at all. He’s doing a great job, but sooner or later he’s going to realize that he’s way out of our league and go audition for Megadeth or something.”

Heavy metal expert Rosalinda Cuevas provided her opinion on the matter.

“This genre of music has a myriad of examples of uncharacteristically beautiful passages incorporated into otherwise heavy songs or albums,” Cuevas offered. “Take the intro to ‘Into the Coven’ by Mercyful Fate or the acoustic interlude ‘Desolate Ways’ off Morbid Angel’s ‘Blessed Are the Sick’ album. It can be quite jarring for listeners to hear such disparate styles of music presented together, but metalheads can be much more eclectic than people expect them to be. With that being said, I’ve never heard a solo this majestic put to a song about having sex with a corpse, but I suppose there’s a first time for everything.”

At press time, Weil added a touching and thoughtful acoustic outro to a song about being disemboweled through the anus.

Opinion: We Need To End the Impossible Happiness Standards Perpetuated by People in Taco Bell Commercials

Posted on by Chris Bowen

How many times have you been watching TV when a Taco Bell commercial comes on showing hot, smiling twenty-somethings “chilling” and “laughing” and you think to yourself, “How are these people made so happy, with so many horrendous things going on around them, by a simple Nachos Bell Grande?” I like the Bell as much as anyone, but it sure as hell doesn’t make me want to constantly wear a smile on my creamy jalapeño sauce-covered face.

Sure, maybe good-looking young people occasionally make a border run here and there, but what about the large portion of Bell fans that go there because it’s just convenient? The partner who needs something decent to scarf down before going to their in-laws who are god-awful at cooking? Or the construction worker who needs a quick bite to eat that will also give them an excuse to sit on the toilet 80% of the day, leaving the job up to the rest of the crew? These people aren’t happy, they are desperate. Desperate like you and I.

Instead, I always see young people, full of life, without one single care in the world, lounging around and partying on beach chairs to fun ska music, eating perfectly designed 7-Layer Burritos without dropping so much as one piece of cheese on the ground (a piece of cheese that will undoubtedly never melt, even in 90 degree heat). Just once I’d like to see an ad showing someone running five minutes late to their doctor’s appointment, attempting to stuff their face while in traffic, struggling to fight back the rage of dumping nacho cheese sauce all over the interior of their car and themselves. You know, like every other person

These commercials are fanning the flames of bizarre, fast-food-related happiness standards that I believe need to be toned down a notch. They don’t necessarily have to show sad folks all the time, because Taco Bell can provide a small sense of joy in a world that oftentimes gives a person no reason to be happy. I just want to see the real folks who hoof down their cravings box with a furrowed brow, tears, or a look of pure rage in their eyes. Maybe chicken nuggets at Taco Bell are enough to make Gen Z forget about their big term paper due, or the inevitable nuclear apocalypse, but let’s not confuse that for the majority of us. Oh, and please no more “Nuggative Nelly” ads.

Heroic Millennial Goes to Show On a Monday Night Despite Being a Little Tired

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ASBURY PARK, N.J. — Local 41-year-old Teddy Moore is being hailed as a hero after multiple witnesses confirmed he attended a local punk show on a Monday night despite being a little tired.

“I don’t know what’s come over me, but I am absolutely crushing being out and awake on a Monday. I made a split-second decision to go out tonight, and I must be running on pure adrenaline because I’m three beers and eight songs into the main act and I haven’t even glanced at my watch once. I feel like I could stand on the outskirts of the pit all night,” said Moore. “Somebody has to stand up against their own aging bodies and pointless 8 a.m. Tuesday morning meetings, so why not me? I’m going to make it until the end of the show even if it means taking a nap in my car during lunch tomorrow. I have to prove to myself, and the scene, that I’m not boring and lame.”

Show attendees were astonished by Moore’s heroism.

“A few of us clocked that guy when he walked in and figured there was no way in hell he was making it past the first opener. When you see someone stretching before the show and joking that they’re ‘out on a school night,’ you’d assume they’re DOA. I wouldn’t believe it unless I saw it with my own eyes, but it’s 9:45 and he only yawned once. This dude might be the most locked in 40-something in history,” said Jeff Thompson. “The crowd is completely in awe of Ted right now. If he can power through the headliner’s set without nodding off or eyeing the exit, this place is going to go crazy.”

Local emergency services workers at the venue recalled similar acts of heroism at shows.

“Most millennials I’ve seen can’t make it halfway through all these 20th anniversary tours without leaving before the melatonin kicks in. But people can do amazing things when they’re in a ‘fight or flight’ situation,” said paramedic Chris Langley. “There’s something about seeing a mother of three crowdsurfing at a show on only 7 hours of sleep or a married couple slamming shots with only 45 minutes until their kid’s babysitter has to go home. It is inspiring.”

As of press time, it was announced that Moore has been awarded the key to the city after making it through two encore songs before calling his Uber.